Does you're mil favour your SIL DC over yours?

[Underthemoonlight]

This has an issue I've noticed after SIL had her DD. I had DS 6 months prior. Mil makes minimal effort in regards to DS, a little more effort with DD and minimal effort with DS1 from a previous relationship but is constantly with SIL and DGD apparently I've got my own DM and it's different with you're DDs child, Aibu to be annoyed? I have two DS2 and one DD and I just couldn't imagine not making the same effort with all my GC regardless if it's my DS child or DD child

My MIL is fab and loves them all the same but I expect her to help her two daughters more than me. I've my own mum who mucks in when I need help so I tend to lay off asking my MIL because she does so much for everyone I don't want to add to her workload with us all just for the sake if making it fair. But she clearly loves our kids as much as any of them.

Is the pope catholic? Do bears shit in the woods? Etc etc

Makes me and dh very sad.

I think it's very natural mums are closer to their daughters children, you see lots of posts on here re MILs being excluded by their DIL or seen as a nuisance.

It's a shame she doesn't make more effort but you choose to become a parent, they don't have a say in becoming grandparents.

I don't think she should be obliged to buy you and your own child the same as her son and grandchild, you both have your own family.

Sheldon I'm not so bothered about me but DH has been in DS1 life from the age of 2 she makes zero effort and gets a token gift, yes it is uncomfortable to watch his siblings get considerably more than him. I was raised where by we all get the same which I X the expect but she could make it less obvious to him.

So because we choose to be parents first my DC should be treated less because her DD had a baby? That makes no zero they are all children and should be part of the family and included in my eyes.

My point is she makes no effort to see them or have them. Yet she can find the time to see SILs baby. Surely she could make the effort to see her sons GC.

sheldon we are also married so technically I am part of the family although your attitude towards step child is some what appaulling

Biology plays a part in this too I think. Some researchers (can't recall which Uni now) found that statistically, grandmothers reported feeling closer to their daughters children rather than their sons children.

They put this down to the fact that a grandchild born to your daughter comes from an egg that was once in your body, that you actually made yourself, as a baby girl is born with all the eggs she will ever have.

My PIL treat my children more favourably than SIL. It's embarrassing and makes me feel uncomfortable. 😕

My ex mil favours her step grandchildren over her two biological grandchildren even down to asking what sort of toy ds wanted for Christmas she was told he liked fifi so she bought her stepsons child fifi and ds got clothing makes it worse because they live in another country but not to worry her other stepson had a child and he still lives in the UK so they go on holiday to visit him my ex lives with them and they won't even stay in the same house as them they go out its surprising how fast the kids get used to coming last and regularly use expression when nanny brags about her other grandsons

My MIL has actually said to us that our nephew - her dd's ds - is her favourite grandchild! But tbh it balances out because I'm pretty sure FIL (they're long divorced) and his wife prefer our kids to SIL's

God yes. MIL 'insists' she doesn't have favourites but I beg to differ.

My MIL was the same.
We had our two children and she never really bothered,no gifts when they were born and money in envelopes for birthday and Xmas.

SIL got pregnant and MIL started shopping
After the baby was born and we visited MIL she would show us what she had bought for the baby and what else she was planning on getting etc.

After a couple of years as my two were getting older they stared to notice. My OH wasn't comfortable with saying anything to his mother so I just stopped going round there.

She never asked why and when my OH visited on his own she didn't even ask after our kids.
I just thought it was all unnecessary and what a shame to not know your grandchildren for the sake of playing favourites.

I just took a step back and let her get on with it.

My (ex) mil definitely treats my dc differently to her dds dc. Ds1 asked me when he was about 6 why Gran loves his cousins more than him :(

My own mum says (and I believe her) that she loves all her dgc equally. But she admits that "it's different" with my children over my brothers as I'm her daughter. She can't explain it but said I'll understand if I ever have my own dd and dgc.

Jesus I didn't realise how common this was. We see PIL less than my SIL does, but they absolutely don't favour any of the GC. They adore them all equally. This thread makes me feel sad

My MIL favours her neice's children over her grandchildren. Only one specific niece mind, she doesn't like the other niece's children as they are half Chinese. Such a charming woman 😈

My SIL has an excellent relationship with my mum. My mum treats all her DG as individuals and doesn't favour any one over the others. My DC1 is the oldest grandchild, and there are responsibilities that go with that. She is treated differently to my brother's youngest as she's 8 years old and my dc1 is 19 years old. The effort you put into your relationship with your MIL will rub off onto your DC.

I think a lot of it is about fear of stepping on the toes of the DIL. It might not be favoritism per se, rather feeling more comfortable with your DD's children (as she is more likely to tell you when she isn't happy than the DIL who is more likely to post in AIBU)

As an IL you can't win though. If you take a step back and wait until you are offered you don't care about the dgd, if you are enthusiastic and proactive you are trying to undermine your DIL's parenting and steel the magic out of events.

In my own family the first DGC was idolized. He was an only dgc until the age of 6. Despite both of my DP's working full time he stayed over most weekends and visited mid week too. By the time I had my dc they were older and mine never slept over as I felt it was too much for them. My youngest sibling just had dgc #10 and I actually have to remind my DP's to be actively interested in him. They are retired, so in theory have time, but do not have the energy and I suppose the novelty has somewhat worn off! They spend equally on them all though.

I think you're right about the stepping on toes franincisco

My mum did try and explain it. She said it's because as a woman who has given birth I now can genuinely appreciate what she did for me. My brother won't have that same thing. And his wife does but with her mum. Also when I'm struggling/ill/don't know what to do I naturally call my mum for advice. Likewise my sil calls her mum.

But my mum doesn't favour my children over my brothers and all her grandchildren are very very close to her.

MIL sees SIL's DC more as they live closer to each other (1 hr vs 1hr 45mins). Also, because SIL is better at keeping in touch with them than DH. When we do visit them (and it's usually us that visit them) she spends more time making comparisons and talking to me about SIL's DC than getting to know mine. This fucks me off no end and now I can hardly be arsed to visit. It's a viscous cycle.

No, my MIL doesn't favour one set over the other. She does live nearer to my SIL but it means she stays the day/afternoon whereas we see her for long weekends and take her on holiday. DCs cousins are jealous that our DCs get more time with MIL but I think it is quite even. DCs also get to take it in turns to visit over the holidays by themselves with a cousin so they have granny time and cousin time.
My DBro has now had his first DC and lives a distance away. DM can't pop over for a few hours and has to go for a couple of days. So there's no obvious treating them differently there either (so far) just circumstances make it different.

and we were told she wouldn't really have time for our children now as she had 'a real' grandchild now

Did she really say that? Really?

I think this is the real crux.

I think it's more common for a mother to be closer to her dds children than her son's children. Not on mn but in RL

This

My children are the only gc of pil and we live close by so it's a great relationship.

My own parents on the other hand have lots of daughters and lots of grandchildren, but as far as they are concerned only one sister and her children (and now their children) have ever been worth bothering with.

The rest of us don't get a look in! Their loss though. Mum is disabled and spends most of her life alone despite having 3 daughters, 5 grown up grandchildren, and 6 great grandchildren living within a mile or two from her home. very sad for all really.

yes very much so :( mine barely get acknowledged but mil gave up work to look after sil baby (we all live in the same town). They rarely look after my kids at all and despite sil not working atm still have our niece a couple of times a week. I try not to take it to heart but its hard, esp as my own mum isn't here any more.

My MIL loves all all her GC equally, I do know that. But she doesn't treat them equally in RE to sleepovers and quality time together. Her first born GC is the favorite and gets more toys/attention/sleepovers etc. it annoys me.. I'm hoping DS doesn't notice.

100% Yes, sadly. Despite years of us going to the effort to maintain/build a relationship between my MIL and our DC we've wound it right down now as it became pretty obvious she wasn't bothered (other than greetings she'd barely say another word to our DC on visits). SIL was always MILs favourite child, so I'm not surprised that SILs DC in turn are the favourite DGC. Yet despite this I've noticed SILs DC aren't even bothered to have my MIL around, talk to her with no respect (swearing at her because she did something they disagreed with was the worst one I heard) and basically treat her like part of the furniture. So it's not like it's even been worth it to favour them in my eyes.

An example of how obvious it became to our DC was despite DH and I referring to MIL as "Nana [insert DH surname]" they called her "[insert names of their cousins] Nana". Eg instead of calling her 'Nana Jones' our DC would call her 'Bob and Bill's Nana'. We've drummed the Nana surname into them but they do occasionally slip up

I'm sad for my DC but I'm also sad for my DH. His whole life spent being second best, compared to his sister and basically ignored, then for the same cycle to happen again to his own DC.

My advice? You can spend your whole life comparing how things are compared to other people's lives, it doesn't change a thing. Just love your DC and know you are there 100% for them. They'll know where their bread is buttered.