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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To repay him the £2.80 in pennies (the tightfisted fucknugget)

154 replies

RedStripeLassie · 19/11/2016 11:58

I called to check he'd posted some of dds clothes I ebayd on the way to work yesterday, which he did and he texted 'the postage is £2.85'. I didn't reply but when he's left the post office recipt carefully placed on my bedside table before he went to work! Angry It's not as if I'm spending the sale on myself. It'll go on more clothes for dd.

Would I be unreasonable to find the grubby old tin full of pennies we take on holiday for the arcade games and leave £2.85 exactly in pennies on his bedside table? Grin

Yes petty and yes lighthearted but it's fucked me off!

OP posts:
Armadiloes · 20/11/2016 21:01

Pay it back then charge him for time and effort in reselling and purchasing new clothes for your daughter! After all your saving money and its you doing the effort. Its his daughter too £2.80 would be his contribution as you say your re-spending it on your daughter - he is being ridiculous!

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 20/11/2016 21:04

That sounds to me that he's let you know how much it cost and left it as proof of purchase. I wouldn't take that to mean he's asking for the money back Hmm

Unicorn1981 · 20/11/2016 21:11

I think he may have left you that for proof it was posted. My DP once sold some books on eBay. I posted them for him and the total was about £22! It was annoying but it's our money.

Offred · 20/11/2016 23:00

This has made me really quite upset. It is not funny at all. Sad

Offred · 20/11/2016 23:19

Honestly, as your threads have progressed I have found myself really hoping that someone reports your family to SS and that actually DD IS taken away from both of you.

It upsets me to feel that way, I have never ever felt that way about any story or situation I have read or seen IRL before and I am massively massively in favour of doing absolutely everything sensible to keep families together and not have kids go into the care system if at all possible...

It's just really that the more you post the more it becomes apparent that it isn't optimism it is part delusion and part desperation to cling onto your husband for your own self... that is so dangerous, and yes it takes time to leave an abusive man and yes it is difficult and scary but you taking DD to that party was nothing at all to do with staying with your DH or giving him a chance to change. It was purely and simply because you failed to safeguard her, either because you lack the understanding or because you lack the capacity...

And you are being 'lighthearted' about this...

It is completely disturbing.

Offred · 20/11/2016 23:21

And your fear shouldn't be of SS finding out your DD is living like this. Your fear should be of your DD living like this.

Lovingit81 · 20/11/2016 23:44

Sorry but that is WEIRD!!! Surely your money is his money?????

SittingAround1 · 21/11/2016 08:10

Offred I'm starting to agree with you. The party sounded totally inappropriate for a small child. If parents really want to go to a party where they know they'll be lots of drinking and drug taking they should have left DD at home with a babysitter.

If one of the neighbours had called the police on them eg. for noise, and they had turned up and smelt what was going on, searched the house and found weed + class As (from the uncle) and sleeping children the consequences would have been bad for the parents (not a simple warning don't it again type thing).

The secondary smoke breathing whilst the DD slept is a concern as well(as I can't imagine they were in a massive mansion with a separate sleeping wing.)

Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 08:48

offred I need to explain. When I wrote this, I was stuck at soft play, Saturday, the only mum there surrounded by Dads playing with their children and I was fuming that he'd actually left the recipt out and asked to be repaid. I thought it would cheer me up to imagine what sort of funny passive aggressive ways I could get back at him. It was not intended to be part of the bigger picture or reflect how seriously I'm taking all the stuff happening in my and dds life right now.

It upsets me in a way I can't put into words that you and other people think dd should be taken away from me.

Of course I'm afraid that dd isn't having the start in life is hoped for her but these realisations are still very early and real life isn't like mumsnet. Things don't just change and you get a happy ending because you've figured out there's a problem. I know what's needed to be done and the support I've received from yourself and others has given me strength to start doing things right for her. I'm talking more openly to so many more people at work, friends and family without glossing over stuff. That's progress.

OP posts:
Chairmanmeow1 · 21/11/2016 08:51

There is nothing funny or lighthearted about this thread. It's just sad

Offred · 21/11/2016 08:56

No, I know it takes time to come to the realisations and I understand and so do many people but the difficult truth is that the level of normalisation of drugs and drink in dd's life means that yes, until you DO realise she would be safer in foster care. It is upsetting to me to say and think that and I can't imagine how upsetting it must be to hear. It is an upsetting situation but DD HAS to be safe.

Offred · 21/11/2016 08:59

Thinking of lighthearted ways to deal with this stuff is just the same as thinking of excuses to stay. He is an awful appalling father and partner. You SHOULD be appalled and angry at his behaviour, you don't need to try and cope with it and TBH your DD needs you to stop doing that.

Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 09:06

Someone (on mn, not in RL) said the same to me last night and I couldn't leave her bedside, stroking her hair after that. Unsurprisingly she woke up and slept next to me the whole night. I could never lose her. If you knew me in RL you'd wouldn't want us apart. No ones ever said that to me till last night.

OP posts:
Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 09:07

Sorry that sounds really fluffy and rambly. I'm upset.

OP posts:
Ooogetyooo · 21/11/2016 09:11

If you are talking more openly about the situation with colleagues at work I imagine it's only a matter of time before someone reports you to SS .

Original poster
RedStripeLassie · 21/11/2016 09:22

But I've got to talk about it openly, otherwise it gets buried again and it's easier to ignore. No ones responded in disgust or shock. They are just worried about us and want to help.

OP posts:
TheFlounder · 21/11/2016 09:31

I think everyone's getting worried because the progress you're making seems so much slower than your daughter deserves. Your progress plan should be much more like, pack my bags today whilst DP is at work, take DD to DMs house to live, concentrate on her wellbeing.

Costacoffeeplease · 21/11/2016 09:32

If we all knew exactly what we know on here IRL, we possibly could think she was better off apart from you. Your perceptions are so screwed that you can post things on here, more than once, so pleased with some 'progress' and we all look on horrified

Offred · 21/11/2016 09:36

I think the minimum really, and it is achievable is to keep DD away from his family and their parties. To not allow H to come with you and DD to things if he is going to smoke and drink. Stop involving him in family life unless he is prepared not to smoke and drink.

We would all like you to pack up and go today, I recognise that might not be achievable but you can start limiting DD's exposure to this culture of substance abuse I think.

Offred · 21/11/2016 09:39

And I do really wish that you would reach out to SS for help yourself. I think you are not doing that because you are a bit scared of them and don't want them to make you leave him but in not doing it you are prioritising your relationship with him over DD really.

The difficulty is the longer this goes on the more likely someone else will report it and if that happens you will be seen to be prioritising your relationship and failing to protect DD.

Offred · 21/11/2016 09:43

I really really want you to be with DD btw, I have read on other threads how much you love her and as a person you seem lovely too and I am angry that this appalling man has created this situation for you both. It's just sometimes that isn't enough of a child is seriously at risk and the functioning parent isn't doing enough/seeing enough.

Offred · 21/11/2016 09:47

But I've got to talk about it openly, otherwise it gets buried again and it's easier to ignore.

And yes, you have been exceptionally brave over this and to still be reading and posting.

pregnantat50 · 21/11/2016 09:52

Or decduct £2.85 from his christmas present :)

tiredvommachine · 21/11/2016 09:57

Offred, your posts are spot on.

GrinchyMcGrincherson · 21/11/2016 09:58

The problem is there is a massive difference between abusive, drug addicted asshole and tight husband. One of them you can annoy with no consequences but the other annoying him may warn you a fist in the face.

The biggest annoyance to him will be you moving out and the end of him having someone to be his slave. Please take that option.