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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take my phone back from DD?

124 replies

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 20:45

She's had a mobile since last Christmas. A few months ago she smashed her handset and it was too expensive to fix so we didn't. I recently upgraded my iPhone so gave her my old handset. She's had it for a week now. She was without a phone for maybe three months.

My new phone has suddenly died a death and has been sent away to be fixed. I have taken my old handset back until it's sorted.

She is kicking off like a banshee. Saying that she NEEDS it. That she needs the alarm for the morning. I wake her up, and need the alarm myself. I genuinely need a phone as I am in constant contact with MH professionals, social services, young Carers, school and family.

She is absolutely raging at the injustice. Dh is now saying that if she carries on she won't be getting the handset back at all, and pointed out that she smashed her cheap phone and ended up with an iPhone, and that being without it for a few days is no hardship.

She says I'm horrible and selfish. Am I? I feel bloody awful right now.

OP posts:

cheekyfunkymonkey · 18/11/2016 08:00

Is she worried about what you will find on it? Seems a bit of a strong reaction.

Ledkr · 18/11/2016 08:07

My dd is a lovely reasonable and sevsibke child. She is hardworking and very talented.
People love her and I get complimented on her manners etc.
HOWEVER. She can become a raging banshee if it's suggested she might not have a phone.
The other day she demanded my charger and when I said no she went mad!
I think it's like an addiction.
I use an app to block it at bedtime for that reason.

Boysnme · 18/11/2016 08:11

If you just changed your mind about wanting it back I'd say you were BU but under the circumstances family should help each other out and she should have willingly given it back. If she isn't willing to lend it then don't take it but she should still be punished for the tantrum as that behaviour is ridiculous over loosing a phone for a few days.

MissVictoria · 18/11/2016 08:13

I genuinely cannot believe ANYONE is saying you were unreasonable.
You're an adult, you pay for her top ups/contract, and you paid for the initial phone, just because you let her use it, doesn't mean its "hers."

A 12 year old having an iphone is quite honestly ridiculous.
I don't think you should have ever given it to her in the first place. If your husband and her older brother both have cheap phones, they should have gotten first refusal of the iphone. It's not fair if her brother, who has presumably taken care of his phone, is stuck with a cheap basic phone but his little sister who didn't take care of hers gets an iphone because she broke her cheap one! That's rewarding her for bad behaviour and punishing him for taking care of his possessions.

It honestly doesn't matter how you worded it when you let her use it, whether it was yours still but she could use it, or outright giving it to her, you're the parent, you have a genuine need for it, and you pay for it, so you have every right to take it back.

When you get your repaired new phone back, I'd honestly give the iphone to her older brother and let her have his old phone. She doesn't deserve the iphone the way she's behaved, either by not taking care of hr original phone, or the way she's treating you for taking it back temporarily because you needed it.

Scooby20 · 18/11/2016 08:24

At 12 you will be paying the bill for dd phone therefore it's yours but you lend it to her to use.

I don't agree with this. That would mean anything a patent bought for a child was never theirs. Not something I would like. My kids certainly aren't spoilt and don't tantrum. But I don't consider their Christmas presents/clothes/bed etc as mine.

I can't believe people are calling her a brat.

She doesn't deserve the iphone the way she's behaved, either by not taking care of hr original phone, or the way she's treating you for taking it back temporarily because you needed it.

Why does she need to be on punished again for breaking her phone? Sounds like you are looking for excuses for the op to punish her.

And let's be honest, most of us over reacted at something when we were kids. Taking the phone away completely (which was given to her and now has been told be teturned) is such an over reaction.

The family is under a lot of stress. I don't think the OP is unreasonable to want to use the phone. But I also think know the dd isn't the devil's spawn for having a bad reaction given the while situation.

ChipmunkSundays · 18/11/2016 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RhiWrites · 18/11/2016 09:05

It's not ridiculous for a 12 year old to have an iPhone. The first gen iPhone came out nearly a decade ago. A lot of people have traded on iPhones since then. I gave my old one to a nephew rather than sell it on.

I think the problem in this situation isn't that the girl is a "spoilt brat" - she's upset and confused by the continual goalpost changing.

Was the phone a gift or a lend? As someone said above it sounded like a gift because why lend a phone when you have a new one.

Did mum take her phone or borrow her phone? OP says take and then borrow but it seems just like taking to me.

How long was she to be without her phone? She was fine to lend it for a day but OP admitted it might be 10 days because OP was too lazy to go to a phone shop. So the teen has to be without a phone because her mum can't be bothered to sort her own out.

Is the phone hers? OP says if it hadn't been OP's originally OP wouldn't have taken it. But the girl thought it belonged to her now.

It's all just so murky and confusing. Especially to a teen who's trying to figure out when to assert herself and when to do as she's told, what belongs to her and what doesn't. It's arbitrary and weird to just take people's things even if they're a child.

diddl · 18/11/2016 09:31

"She doesn't deserve the iphone the way she's behaved, either by not taking care of hr original phone, or the way she's treating you for taking it back temporarily because you needed it."

I agree with that.

It's one thing to get upset & fly off the handle.

What she doesn't appear to have done is calmed down & seen Op's POV in this at all.

RentANDBills · 18/11/2016 09:48

People are making out that the OP just snatched her phone from her daughter and claimed it was hers now.
The OP has said that they had a sit down conversation where it was explained to her and that it would be temporary.

Throwing a hissy fit is unacceptable behaviour, I can't believe anyone thinks that it is reasonable to act like this. Being frustrated about temporarily not having a phone is understandable but it wasn't just taken from her.

Clutterbugsmum · 18/11/2016 11:07

YANBU.

At the end of the day it is more important for the OP who has come out of hospital to be able to contact or be contacted by the people she needs to, At this time then a stroppy 12 yr old whose phone will be switched off/silent in her school bag, just in case someone may need her.

IAmNotACat · 18/11/2016 15:14

So she "leapfrogged" him in the pecking order for the new iPhone because she broke hers and he didn´t

Why would there be a 'pecking order' between two kids?

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 18/11/2016 15:39

Because he's the eldest. They both got phones at the same time so that was already a bonus for her and by rights he should have had the first time hand me down iPhone.

OP posts:

AChristmasCactus · 18/11/2016 16:03

It's the inconsistency that's caused the problems.

She had her first phone, it smashed (it happens, adults break theirs all the time). She didn't get one back.

She got yours. Now, abruptly, after she's had a week to get used to it you've taken it back. She was phoneless for three months, got this iphone and now it's gone again.

It sounds like her homelife is erratic anyway and this is just another way to undermine stability.

ClarissaDarling · 18/11/2016 16:15

It's all a bit messy and I feel for everyone. You say your DD should have empathy for you because you so ill and have 'constant contact with MH professionals, social services, young Carers, school and family' but don't seem to see there can be any impact on her... Young carers isn't just for people undertaking practical tasks which am sure you know. You say DS would of course give you his phone but sim won't fit, how then can your daughters sim fit your phone AND his? (Is there a touch of golden child/black sheep?)

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 18/11/2016 16:19

Of course I recognise there's an impact on her! That's why she has counselling and goes to young Carers groups and is generally very well supported. I just meant up thread that she doesn't do any physical caring, she doesn't have to take on any chores or look after younger siblings or anything like that, it's more the emotional side of things.

She has her SIM card from her old phone in her brothers phone. Id ordered her an iPhone sim on the same contract before giving her my old phone to use.

OP posts:

Floofborksnootandboop · 18/11/2016 17:00

She has her SIM card from her old phone in her brothers phone. Id ordered her an iPhone sim on the same contract before giving her my old phone to use.

By that do you mean she git a new sim on the same contact or she got a brand new contract the same as before?

It's it's the last one then apologises. If it's the first then her old sim wouldn't work as that one gets blocked when you got the new sim...

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 18/11/2016 17:02

Oh really? She's still charging it so hadn't tried it yet. That's a bugger if so. It's the same contract.

OP posts:

neonrainbow · 18/11/2016 18:50

Job done then. Dd keeps the cheap phone seeing as she's happy with it for now, and because your ds is obviously the more sensible, empathetic, better behaved child, he gets the iPhone when it's repaired. Might make the 12yo think about her behaviour in future.

AndNowItsSeven · 18/11/2016 19:03

If she receives support from young carers then she is a cater. I think you are not fully understanding what being a career to a parent with mental health issues actually means.
It was unfair to take back the phone, your dh, ds or dd could have picked up a £10 phone for you at the supermarket.

FeelingSmurfy · 18/11/2016 23:40

Just another thought, is it a comfort knowing that she can contact you or you can contact her? I'm sure she will be worried with you only just out of hospital

pringlecat · 19/11/2016 11:44

How did you take the phone back? Did you say "my phone is broken, so I'm taking this one back" or did you explain why you needed to borrow a phone for quite serious reasons and ask her to help out by lending you her phone? If you'd phrased it in a way that made clear you were asking for her support and you wanted to borrow her phone on a temporary basis, the tantrum would have been unreasonable.

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 19/11/2016 11:54

Yeah, the latter. We ha a conversation the night before and then I asked her for it in the morning.

OP posts:

pringlecat · 19/11/2016 16:07

GrabtharsHammer In which case, it's a shame she's reacted in the way that she did, I can see why you would have hoped for a bit more understanding.

I don't think you're being horrible and selfish at all, but at her age, everything is a big deal and there's a lot going out with you that possibly is making her act out in a way that she wouldn't normally. I was an absolute shit to my mum at her age and would scream like a banshee myself, but if it helps reassure you any, I have always adored my mum. She's the only person I could have shouted at in that way who would have still loved me afterwards. In a weird way, being a shit towards her was proof of how much I loved her.

You're going through a hard time and she's probably a little scared, even if she hasn't expressed that.

Explain to her again why you need to borrow the phone (with emphasis on the borrow), say you're disappointed in her shouting at you, but thank her for allowing you to use the phone when you really need it. And give her a big hug.

You're both stressed out. And neither of you are monsters.

Trifleorbust · 19/11/2016 17:43

Kids react like this because to them, not having a phone when they had one before is one of the worst things they can think of And they're hormonal. And some of them are spoiled.

She reacted badly but your action was reasonable. Leave it at that.

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