To take my phone back from DD?

[GrabtharsHammer]

She's had a mobile since last Christmas. A few months ago she smashed her handset and it was too expensive to fix so we didn't. I recently upgraded my iPhone so gave her my old handset. She's had it for a week now. She was without a phone for maybe three months.

My new phone has suddenly died a death and has been sent away to be fixed. I have taken my old handset back until it's sorted.

She is kicking off like a banshee. Saying that she NEEDS it. That she needs the alarm for the morning. I wake her up, and need the alarm myself. I genuinely need a phone as I am in constant contact with MH professionals, social services, young Carers, school and family.

She is absolutely raging at the injustice. Dh is now saying that if she carries on she won't be getting the handset back at all, and pointed out that she smashed her cheap phone and ended up with an iPhone, and that being without it for a few days is no hardship.

She says I'm horrible and selfish. Am I? I feel bloody awful right now.

YABU if you gave it to her then it is hers.

I would be annoyed as well.

Does she not need a phone when she is out and about without you?

I wouldn't have just randomly taken it off of her.

I got out of hospital yesterday and my phone died. I need a phone to keep in touch with all the relevant people looking afte r me. She has only had it for less than a week after being phone less for months.

But you have

Why not get yourself a cheap PAYG phone until yours is fixed, and then keep it for emergencies? I don't get why your phone dying means you get to take hers.

Dh is right, she needs to know that tantrumsc don't get her what she wants

A phone is a privilege in this house for 12 yo dd. She had a cheap handset for that reason and had to show she was capable of looking after it before I allowed anything fancy.

She was lucky enough to be given an iPhone by my ndn. If ndn broke her phone and wanted dds phone back dd would be very upset. If I broke my phone and wanted hers she would be very upset.

Your dd is nbu to be upset. She is bu for having a tantrum.

Yabu to not keep a spare phone for times like this and for giving it your dd when she didn't look after her original phone.

Could you buy a cheap handset for dd and tell her if she looks after it for a few months she can have your iPhone and keep the cheap handset as a spare in the future? I wouldn't reward a tantrum but I would also recognise that a nice phone is pretty important to your dd. And use it to my advantage and as a way to encourage better behaviour and more mature responses to disappointment.

I can't get out anywhere to get a cheap phone.

She had a phone. She smashed it because she didn't look after it. We weren't going to replace it. I then decided to be generous and let her have my iPhone instead of selling it.

I've now found myself in kind of an emergency situation and need to borrow it back for a bit. She is kicking off.

If it hadn't been your old handset would you have taken it off her because yours is broken? I mean, if it had never been yours?

It's a difficult one but here's the thing. Yes you gave it to her but she now needs to learn a lesson...that of helping others and working out that some things have priority.

Your work has priority over her social life...an adult would lend you the phone...she needs to be the bigger person.

Allows if she would not have taken a different handset away then the point is that the DD should offer it.

Big lesson but one which is important. If I broke my phone then DH would let me use his as mine is more important for work....family helps one another.

I wouldn't have taken it if it wasn't mine to start with, no.

Jeeze, I must be a hardass because I would be astonished if one of my kids kicked off like this. And I'd be having long think about giving it back at all - but you did just say you're only out of hospital and being highly monitored right? Do you think this could be her acting out some displaced stress dressed up as freaking out over the iPhone?

Dh has also pointed out that he only has a basic phone, as does ds1, and that she has leapfrogged the natural pecking order for an iPhone just because she broke her original phone.

I do think there's a bit of displaced stress going on, yes.

Who is she a carer for? Do you think she relies on her phone for any reasons related to her caring role? (i,e, just for some downtime, an escape of sorts)

Well then, I reckon you let her go for it and discuss it when she calms down. She's probably quite frightened right now and this has given her a great cover. It's a case of needs must and that's the long and the short of it, she'll recover! Hope you're feeling better OP!

Oh come on, she's 12 she doesn't even need a phone & should count herself bloody lucky that she had one-presumably bought & paid for by her parents.

Yeah, she's disappointed that she thought that she had Op's & now she doesn't afterall.

Shame she broke her original phone!

I think when you gave her the phone it became hers,if you needed to use her phone then it would have been nicer if you'd asked and she'd agreed to help you out.I wouldn't be impressed at the kicking off but I can understand it a bit. In your shoes I'd have picked up a brick phone for a tenner whilst your phone was mended to save on the dramas.

Her behaviour sounds pretty bad but I'm really surprised you took it back. I think unless you told her you'll be using it when needed, you shouldn't have taken hers just because it used to be yours. You could also use your dh and ds's, in theory?

That being said, the tantrums are definitely not on.

Would you have taken her original phone if you had been without a phone?

You say you can't get out to buy a cheap spare. Can your husband do that?

Did you ask her if you could have it, or did you just say you were taking it back?

I think, regardless of whether it was yours originally, once you gave it to her, it was hers. I'd be annoyed if someone gave me something then took it off me a week later through no fault of my own.

I can understand why your DD is upset, so no punishments, but that doesn't mean you have to give way either. Just don't react to the am-dram. Stay calm and firm. Repeat "You will get your iphone back as soon as mine is fixed" in a calm voice as many times as it takes. She will probably find that reassuring.

Good luck and I hope you recover quickly.

She's not actually a carer, but she gets lots of help and support from young Carers because of my illnesses.

I did ask! She was happy for me to have it this morning but she'd decided one day was long enough and she wanted it back when she got in from school.