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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my phone back from DD?

124 replies

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 20:45

She's had a mobile since last Christmas. A few months ago she smashed her handset and it was too expensive to fix so we didn't. I recently upgraded my iPhone so gave her my old handset. She's had it for a week now. She was without a phone for maybe three months.

My new phone has suddenly died a death and has been sent away to be fixed. I have taken my old handset back until it's sorted.

She is kicking off like a banshee. Saying that she NEEDS it. That she needs the alarm for the morning. I wake her up, and need the alarm myself. I genuinely need a phone as I am in constant contact with MH professionals, social services, young Carers, school and family.

She is absolutely raging at the injustice. Dh is now saying that if she carries on she won't be getting the handset back at all, and pointed out that she smashed her cheap phone and ended up with an iPhone, and that being without it for a few days is no hardship.

She says I'm horrible and selfish. Am I? I feel bloody awful right now.

OP posts:
diddl · 17/11/2016 22:01

"It's a massive ask to take someone's phone off them."

Hahahahahahaha!

OMG!

She's 12, probably just titting about on social media, chatting with friends.

Op actually needs the phone to be able to contact people.

diddl · 17/11/2016 22:02

"She says I'm horrible and selfish."

For that alone I'd not be getting her anything in the interim & would be making her wait.

IAmNotACat · 17/11/2016 22:02

Yabu. You gave it to her. That means you don't get to take it back.

YAB especially U if you don't give it back to her when you get a phone for yourself sorted.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/11/2016 22:03

Judging by some of the responses on here it's no wonder we've got some selfish, spoilt, bad mannered, entitled kids!

That's not fair at all. She is twelve years old and is dealing with her mum having been hospitalised, and she is a young carer (enough that the charity think she is, at least, even if OP doesn't think she does much caring). Her support network is probably in that phone - the people who are not her immediate family, as they already have a lot on.

It's not sharing to have something that was given to you taken away again. Temporarily, for today, so that mum wasn't without a phone - she had no problem with that. But nobody else in the family did anything today to fix the problem of mum not having a phone. Only DD had to make a sacrifice, as people have phrased it, to give her phone up.

The phone wasn't OPs to take back.

usual · 17/11/2016 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SalemSaberhagen · 17/11/2016 22:06

Perfectly put anchor.

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 22:07

She does have an iPad for Facebook etc.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 17/11/2016 22:12

I think your language in the orginal post about 'taking it back' is not great.

So you did ask her but she wasn't happy when she realised it was for more than a day - did you try and compromise? Perhaps new case for the phone when yours comes back.

Just because she's a child, her feelings arnt any less valid and she pretty powerless in this situation.

MyWineTime · 17/11/2016 22:26

I agree with Starlight and Anchor
This is about more than just a phone, and this girl needs a little bit of understanding. She's 12 and coping with a lot.

Peanutandphoenix · 17/11/2016 22:33

OP yanbu your need is greater than hers right now and it's more important that you have a phone than her she has been without one for months not having one for 10 days is not going to harm her she needs to stop throwing a tantrum about it. This could also be all her worry and stress coming out because you've been in hospital.

MarciaBlaine · 17/11/2016 22:34

I have a 12 yo. Taking her phone away would be equivalent to some mediaeval method of torture. They all get one when they start secondary school. I would use our spare NOKIA and give her my phone I think in this event til the phone was sorted as I could not bear if ;-). You gave her the phone. What did you Expect?

Patriciathestripper1 · 17/11/2016 22:42

Yabu you don't give things and take them back again.
You probably shouldn't have given it to her in the first place.

seventhgonickname · 17/11/2016 23:01

I showed my 13yr old this as she has my old phone and she couldn't get why it would be a problem if I needed her phone for a week or so.She would miss it but has a laptop and asked could she borrow my tablet.She also doesn't get why some people here do not seem to care that the mum is poorly and that her dd having a phone is more important.A few more days without the phone and dd and her mum might start talking to each other and hug which is what I think is needed here.Wishing you and your family well OP.

MommaGee · 18/11/2016 00:05

You've just come out of hospital and can't get pit an about but need to be reachable. Absolutely should she be handing over a phone to you. She's 12 and is old enough to understand need. You need a phone. She wants a phone. Need trumps want.

She's upset you've bee. I'll, finally got a phone back, got a cook one, agreed to let you borrow it them changed her mind so is acting out. Understandable but of she's being rude and horrible I wouldn't rush to give it back to her. At 12 her sense of self entitlement should not extend to a phone that she messages the mates she saw an hour ago on. I'd also be wary of her having an iPhone unless you've activated all the parental settings.

Given she broke hers, I'd let her have the iPhone back when yours comes back but tell her she's getting a new one for Christmas and she'd be back to a basic one

DeusExDomina · 18/11/2016 02:12

Her reaction seems out of proportion, could be the general stress or something about you having her phone and the possibility of finding something. Maybe it's nothing but have a word with her.

Scooby20 · 18/11/2016 06:16

So many issues here.

Tbh the fact that she broke her last ohone is neither here nor there. That's been dealt with and a separate issue.

I don't pander to tantrums. However I would totally understand someone, especially a child, getting upset over having something that is their taken off and being told 'I might have given you it, but actually I need it so taking it back. It's not actually yours'

I can especially understand it when the child has gone through quite a lot of stress at home. There is lots going on for this child and I surprised so many parents have so little sympathy for a child who is dealing with a situation badly and calling anyone who does have sympathy 'the reason kids are so spoilt these days'. It's bizarre.

It doesn't matter if someone else child would do this without a problem. That child isn't this child or in this position.

ChipmunkSundays · 18/11/2016 07:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stormwhale · 18/11/2016 07:28

I get that there is a lot going on, but I would hope that my dd would have some compassion if I was in the ops situation. She is acting very selfishly, especially as she has an ipad to use anyway. I would be wondering who she needs to call and text that badly that she couldn't message on fb.

DragonitesRule · 18/11/2016 07:39

I can fully understand your DD kicking off, yes not ideal but she is 12, and must have been so chuffed with her new phone.

As an aside, if you are housebound, why do you need a mobile phone-can't you use the house phone?

RebelRogue · 18/11/2016 07:43

So much pandering to spoilt,selfish kids. Dd lived fine for 3 months without a phone,she got another,and a pretty good one at that,through the generosity of her mother. Her mother who now is very ill and vulnerable and needs said phone for a week! She can damn well survive without it again!

KoalaDownUnder · 18/11/2016 07:55

Judging by some of the responses on here it's no wonder we've got some selfish, spoilt, bad mannered, entitled kids!

Whatever happened to the concept of sharing? Or helping a loved one out if you are able? Or showing some appreciation for the privileges you enjoy?

This is her mum - not some random friend or acquaintance! She needs it in order to co-ordinate care for her dd among other adult things.

I absolutely agree!

I'm shocked by the majority on this thread. Shock

Original poster
GrabtharsHammer · 18/11/2016 07:56

Most of the people I need to stay in touch with use my mobile not the house phone.

I suppose that, perhaps wrongly, I was expecting more empathy from her.

She was fine this morning, went off to school happily. Ds1 has offered her his phone as he can do without it so the problem is solved for now, she can use his which is the same as her original phone, and then have an iPhone again when mine is fixed.

OP posts:
Katy07 · 18/11/2016 07:57

Did the OP say when she asked to borrow / took back the phone how long she wanted it for? Because it sounds like the girl was fine to start with but kicked off when she found out she wasn't getting it back after a day. And how much choice did she have - both at the start and when it became obvious OP needed it longer? There's a big difference between her being able to choose to do the right thing and having no choice - that would be the big thing for me because I need to be in control of my life (Asperger's) and maybe it's the same for a NT 12 y.o.? I agree that a 12 y.o. having a tantrum is unacceptable (and I fail to see why they need mobiles at that age but that's a whole other issue) but given that she'll have been worrying about you being in hospital she's probably bottling a lot of stress up. Why not just calmly explain to her exactly why you need it (rather than just 'I need it') and apologise for not being clear at the start (assuming you weren't) - show her that you see her point of view (but equally making it clear that tantrums are ok) & give her the opportunity to offer you the phone?

mrsmorningstar · 18/11/2016 07:58

YNBU!!!

At 12 you will be paying the bill for dd phone therefore it's yours but you lend it to her to use.

When she is old enough to pay for her own phone then she gets to choose who uses it.

At least in my house that's how it works

pudcat · 18/11/2016 07:59

Good gracious. I am totally shocked by some of the replies on here. Aren't families supposed to help each other out. Your daughter sounds a very selfish entitled brat.

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