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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To take my phone back from DD?

124 replies

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 20:45

She's had a mobile since last Christmas. A few months ago she smashed her handset and it was too expensive to fix so we didn't. I recently upgraded my iPhone so gave her my old handset. She's had it for a week now. She was without a phone for maybe three months.

My new phone has suddenly died a death and has been sent away to be fixed. I have taken my old handset back until it's sorted.

She is kicking off like a banshee. Saying that she NEEDS it. That she needs the alarm for the morning. I wake her up, and need the alarm myself. I genuinely need a phone as I am in constant contact with MH professionals, social services, young Carers, school and family.

She is absolutely raging at the injustice. Dh is now saying that if she carries on she won't be getting the handset back at all, and pointed out that she smashed her cheap phone and ended up with an iPhone, and that being without it for a few days is no hardship.

She says I'm horrible and selfish. Am I? I feel bloody awful right now.

OP posts:

Heidibb · 17/11/2016 21:34

the point is that the DD should offer it.

Why? I would never offer someone my phone if theirs wasn't working and k would never take a phone off someone else if mine broke. What a ridiculous statement. What makes me more deserving of a phone that whoever is expected to offer me their phone?

YABU, whist it's frustrating that you wouldn't have a phone you can't just demand your DDs. You gave it to her, therefore it's now hers.

Also a new iphone costs upwards of £200, the cost to replace a smashed screen if £50 max and maybe add on an extra couple of quid for a glass screen protector to prevent needing to replace again. Why can't you just repair her old phone?

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 21:35

Also, my sim will only fit in an iPhone, so borrowing DH's or ds1s isn't an option. Not is getting a cheap handset actually, as I'd have to order a new sim and that could take days anyway.

OP posts:

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 21:36

Her old phone cost nothing, just £7 a month, and they wanted £80 to fix it. We would have eventually bought her a new cheap handset but we've had a lot going on.

OP posts:

HPandBaconSandwiches · 17/11/2016 21:38

You gave it to her. If you'd given the phone to an adult friend and then yours broke a week later, you wouldn't ask for the phone back would you?

Just because she's a child doesn't mean her rights to a gift are in some way lesser.

If there was any chance you'd take it back you should have made it very clear at the time.

Yes, her behaviour is not good. Tantrumming is not acceptable, but I can see how powerless she must feel about something she considers to be unfair and unjust. And fwiw I agree.

Sorry OP but YABU and should have got a cheap PAYG.

SpaceToad · 17/11/2016 21:38

YANBU. A family should work as a team. You need the phone to co-ordinate your care. A 12 year old doesn't need a phone. She is being unreasonable not to see the overall need and for throwing a tantrum at 12.

peri89 · 17/11/2016 21:38

I think it's a shame you've taken it back, because you gave it to her. And in her 12 year old eyes she's excited and thrilled to have a new cool phone and is gutted to have had it taken away. Her resulting behaviour isn't good and in no way am I suggesting she get away either. But I do understand why she feels hard done by.

honeyroar · 17/11/2016 21:38

I don't think that anyone would actually say "you can use my old phone", they'd either say you can have it or borrow it until you get another one, surely? So I think she believes it was her phone and is upset (with reason) because of that.

However, her reaction is OTT. You and DH need to sit her down and explain that you're recovering and need her to understand that you need the phone more and that you all have to pull together as a family. Tell her that you understand why she's upset, but she's going too far. Tell her that if it continues she won't be getting the iPhone back at all, she'll only get a cheap phone, whereas if she can act more maturely she can have it back next week.

Lasagna · 17/11/2016 21:38

You can literally walk into any phone shop and ask for those plastic things that make your smaller sims fit into phones that take a bigger sim. They are free aswell.

Seems just like excuses and laziness.

I wouldn't even dream of taking someone else phone because mine was broken, even if I had owned it first.

QueenOfTheNaps · 17/11/2016 21:39

I'm quite shocked at the amount of adults here that would pander to a child having this sort of tantrum. As OP explained to DD she needed the phone for various, important reasons. DD is 12, 12 year olds shouldn't get to dictate who gets what. And it was originally OP's phone anyway!
Tantrums shouldn't get rewarded and if I was OP, the phone would go to DD12's older brother and DD12 can get older brothers old phone (if that makes sense). Brings balance to the pecking order as it were and hopefully teaches DD12 that tantrums to a poorly mum are not the way forward!
to you, OP. I hope you are better soon

dybil · 17/11/2016 21:40

Also, my sim will only fit in an iPhone, so borrowing DH's or ds1s isn't an option. Not is getting a cheap handset actually, as I'd have to order a new sim and that could take days anyway.
Most phone stores carry little plastic adaptors that allow you to put smaller SIM cards in larger phones. I would expect them to be more than a few £s.

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 21:41

Excuses and laziness

I won't be walking into any phone shops any time soon. Dh is at work. We didn't have many options.

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 17/11/2016 21:43

I'm more shocked at the fact that some adults think it's okay to take back gifts when it suits them.

Lasagna · 17/11/2016 21:44

And it was originally OP's phone anyway! And the MacBook I gave DN a few days ago was originally mine too (he thinks he paid for it but I transferred the money back to him as I didn't want it), does that give me the right to just say mine is broken so I'm taking it, deal with it and don't even dream of being upset?

WouldHave · 17/11/2016 21:46

Perhaps your DD or DS could go to the phone shop for you?

Elizawh · 17/11/2016 21:47

I won't be walking into any phone shops any time soon
Then you deal with not having a phone until yours is repaired.

I'm more shocked at the fact that some adults think it's okay to take back gifts when it suits them.
This ^ if you give someone something, unless stated you will take it back if and when it's needed, then it's no longer yours to take I'm afraid. No matter what their relationship with you is or their age.

Original poster

GrabtharsHammer · 17/11/2016 21:47

Dh can go at the weekend. I'll keep her phone until then.

OP posts:

diddl · 17/11/2016 21:47

"I'm quite shocked at the amount of adults here that would pander to a child having this sort of tantrum. "

I know!

She'll gat it back again when Op gets hers back.

And if she hadn't broken her own in the first place...

StarryIllusion · 17/11/2016 21:49

Heidi you wouldn't offer to lend your phone to your mother if she was in the middle of a health scare and housebound and hers was broken? Jesus. I wouldn't think twice.

OP I think she is not BU to be upset but she is old enough to understand that the phone is on loan until you can afford to get her a new one or until she buys herself a new one and that you need to borrow it back temporarily. She is being VU to chuck a tantrum like a 5 year old but she is probably struggling to cope with the stress of the situation and I think I would cut her some slack. Have a calm conversation with her about her reaction and make it clear that although you understand and no, it isn't fair, she is old enough to be able to get a point across without kicking off. If she kicks off again then she better hope for good birthday/Christmas money because she wouldn't be getting it back.

QueenOfTheNaps · 17/11/2016 21:49

And the MacBook I gave DN a few days ago was originally mine too (he thinks he paid for it....

DD doesn't think she paid for it though..
OP took her phone back 'until it gets sorted' not forever. At 12 years old you would hope/expect her to understand the reasoning why and if she does then the tantrum is unacceptable

goddessofsmallthings · 17/11/2016 21:50

Do you really need a mobile 24/7 to talk to these various people? Can you not reach a compromise whereby you use it during the day on weekdays while she's at school and she can use it in the evening and weekends, or buy a cheap PAYG for her to use until yours is sorted?

Saying that she 'smashed' her previous phone implies that she deliberately broke it, but you say that it became 'smashed' because she didn't look after it. Did she accidentally drop it or knock it off a table/shelf, or did she break it in a fit of temper?

If you attempted to negotiate the use of what is now her phone and she kicked off bigtime you ANBU, but if you highhandedly announced that you were taking it back until yours was mended you are ABU and I'm not surprised she's kicked off.

That said, tantrums should never be rewarded but on this occasion I don't see that she should be punished for being pissed off that your need for a phone has caused you to reclaim the gift you freely gave to her.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/11/2016 21:50

*She had a phone. She smashed it because she didn't look after it. We weren't going to replace it. I then decided to be generous and let her have my iPhone instead of selling it.

I've now found myself in kind of an emergency situation and need to borrow it back for a bit. She is kicking off.*

That is unreasonable. She broke her phone - fair enough, presumably that was dealt with separately. She was without a phone for three months, anyway. You gave her your phone, so that was hers. Now you've taken it off her.

However you told her that you needed it back, it was hers. Asking to borrow it for the day would have been reasonable - and it sounds like she'd have easily allowed that? - but then your DH/DS needed to go and sort your phone out for you today. If it's not possible for you to be without a phone, they needed to fix that for you.

I'd speak to her and ask if you can borrow it until tomorrow evening. Then make sure that DH/DS know that this is a priority, and they need to get you either a SIM adaptor and lend you one of their phones, or a cheap phone. Or just fixing yours. It sucks that yours broke but you don't have a spare anymore, you gave it to DD.

It's a massive ask to take someone's phone off them. If she was 12 and hadn't had a phone, it wouldn't be so bad, but she is used to having one and she's just gone three months without one. Giving it and taking it away again is mean.

Like I said, I appreciate people need to contact you and borrowing it until someone else could get you a new one is reasonable, but for an extended period it's not.

Starlight2345 · 17/11/2016 21:54

I think this is probably more than just about a phone..

You have been in hospital, your illness means she has a different things to cope with.

She goes to school with an i phone feels great and normal and that is snatched from her.

I can get how she has reached this point.

I imagine you are all having a difficult time. She isn't going to react like a rational adult because she isn't one.

amicissimma · 17/11/2016 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontMindMe1 · 17/11/2016 21:57

I've now found myself in kind of an emergency situation and need to borrow it back for a bit. She is kicking off

Judging by some of the responses on here it's no wonder we've got some selfish, spoilt, bad mannered, entitled kids!

Whatever happened to the concept of sharing? Or helping a loved one out if you are able? Or showing some appreciation for the privileges you enjoy?
This is her mum - not some random friend or acquaintance! She needs it in order to co-ordinate care for her dd among other adult things

i'm sure dd has access to a computer somewhere to check up on facebook etc? As for the endless selfies everyone seems to be crazy about - she can wait.

Your dh is spot on...and don't try and excuse the tantrum with 'displaced stress'

HermioneJeanGranger · 17/11/2016 21:58

Having your stuff taken off you so someone else can use it isn't sharing!

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