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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you don't RSVP you're not coming?

45 replies

MerryMarigold · 17/11/2016 09:10

Ds1 has a party on Sunday. He's been trying to make friends in his (relatively) new school for over a year now and seems to have made a bit of progress so we decided to do a football party in a Sports' Centre so he could invite a decent amount of people. We invited about 10 from school (plus a few outside-school friends) a couple of weeks ago, but I have had only one RSVP which is someone who can't make it. I have asked ds and he said some people are coming, but I haven't heard anything from the parents. I don't really know the parents (have only 1 mobile number) as a lot of them don't do the drop off and now kids are Y6 they often come by themselves.

I am not sure what to do about ordering a little gift to take home afterwards (instead of a party bag) as there could be 6 there or there could be 16! Not to mention I think it is quite rude not to respond. My heart is quietly breaking for ds1 who has been so excited about his new 'friends' coming Sad.

So this is partly to vent and also to get some practical advice. I have 2 more pick ups and one more drop off to sort this out. WWYD.

OP posts:
ViewBasket · 17/11/2016 09:25

That's difficult and frustrating for you! Could you send out a friendly reminder note with your phone number on, and get your DS to ask his friends to pass it on to their parents so they can reply for numbers?

Sometimes invitations can get lost so it may not necessarily be the parents being rude in all cases, they might not realise.

Sunnysky2016 · 17/11/2016 09:27

I can imagine how bad you both feel about this. May I ask how you asked for replies?
I always add my mobile, email and landline and ask that parents contact me via one of these to accept or decline along with their contact details.
As you have one day left, send in reminders tomorrow, asking that you are needing numbers to confirm and hopefully they will all contact you tomorrow evening.

Sunnysky2016 · 17/11/2016 09:27

Cross post

PenguinsandPebbles · 17/11/2016 09:31

I can't believe how common it is to be so bloody rude when it comes to party RSVPs. Everybody makes mistakes at times and things get lost but when only one person replies out of 20 I think it is safe to assume that the vast majority of the 19 are just rude.

But people will come on soon enough to defend these actions, one last week said she refused to respond as why would she want another parent to know her mobile number - bloody crazy! IMO

I think the chasing for confirmation, with all the above plus carrier pigeon or smoke signal might get some extra replies but really feel for you and your son.

GladAllOver · 17/11/2016 09:39

"RSVP. I we don't hear from you we won't save a place. "

Done.

Ginslinger · 17/11/2016 09:45

oh god that's awful -I think as you don't have contact details you need to send a note out saying that you need to know or you will assume they're not coming. People are so rude

FeralBeryl · 17/11/2016 09:45

There is another thread running about this atm, it's so rude!
If you read through though, you'll see some people genuinely don't think they need to reply for many different reasons Confused
I always err on the side of they WILL all turn up, as although I fucking hate it, and would love the balls to refuse entry. I'd hate a child to be missed out because their parents are idiots.

Ohyesiam · 17/11/2016 10:11

Only buy stuff for those you know will turn up.

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 17/11/2016 10:13

Thanks. That is a brilliant idea to send out a little note today. I will get to school early and give them to ds to give to the kids at least if the parents are not around. I will check out the other thread too.

Thanks all! Just so grateful we have a few friends from outside who are coming.

It's doubly hard for ds1 because ds2 and dd just had birthdays in Oct and all but one RSVPd and they both had very decent numbers from school attending - they are younger and the friendships closer/ I know the parents better because they tend to do school run etc. But ds1 will notice the difference, that's him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MerryMarigold · 17/11/2016 10:19

GladAllOver, Dh told ds to tell the kids that if their parents don't respond then they can't come! I said it was a bit heavyhanded when he is desperately trying to make friends and that it wasn't a great idea...

I will do a reminder to 'please let me know' with my number on it. Obviously invitation had my number on but could have been lost. Ds did give out a second one to one child who had lost it. We have had replies from the outside-school kids (6) who are all coming, but they are more established friends and I know the parents very well.

At least he is leaving at the end of the school year. To be honest, I think we are both very much looking forward to Secondary for this reason, so maybe it is a good thing in the long run.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 17/11/2016 10:33

There was a story in the paper about a woman whose child was left on his own on his birthday because she invited the whole class and no-one turned up. But no-one had RSVP'd! You can't let your DS down by going ahead with a party when you have no guests. You have to contact the parents somehow and say the party will, sadly, be cancelled unless they confirm. Then do something lovely with your son.

MrsGwyn · 17/11/2016 10:48

Right - IME it does usually mean they won't come - though not always I have had none replies turned up with siblings expecting to stay though that was at younger ages.

The child insisting they are coming - well my eldest was y6 new school last year summer birthday asked them to text my mobile got no replies - DD adamant all these people were coming - in end one turned up.

It was lucky we'd held it at home - though perhaps that why people felt it was okay not to turn up and it was summer were turn out is less good.

She luckily still enjoyed herself and it was the start of her getting closer to this other girl - she just started secondary and I think next year we'll aim for a show and evening out with family - though they are going shopping by themselves to celebrate another girls birthday soon.

A reminder note is a good idea - DS seems to forget letters and stuff and they end up in his bag for ages.

GladAllOver · 17/11/2016 16:43

The other alternative only works if you are having the party away from home.

On the invitation you say "RSVP and we'll let you know the venue."

Original poster
MerryMarigold · 17/11/2016 17:25

Reminders given out. No texts as yet. We have 6 friends from outside coming. Can't cancel as paid for it, up to 16 children, but can accommodate more at extra cost. Oh fudge.

OP posts:
golfbuggy · 17/11/2016 17:27

I'd ask DS to ask his friends. He should be saying "My mum is assuming you're not coming unless she hears from your parent"

ruthsmumkath · 17/11/2016 17:54

I occasionally (genuinely) forget to RSVP but always remember if we are able to go.

ViewBasket · 17/11/2016 17:58

Fingers crossed you get some texts in the next 24 hours Marigold. You've done what you can.

QuintessentialShadow · 17/11/2016 18:05

Can you text/email the parents individually and ask outright?

During Y5 and 6 in my ds school, paper invites were not handed out, parents were emailing eachother.

RebootYourEngine · 17/11/2016 18:23

Quin did you not read the OP. How can you text or email someone you dont have contact details for?

Merry it is so rude not to reply. I hope your ds has a great time at his party.

Grumpybeforemytime · 17/11/2016 18:31

Really sorry to hear this, it's incredibly rude and frustrating for you. At least 6 are coming so I wouldn't cancel. Really hope you get responses soon x

SantinoRice · 17/11/2016 18:32

I know you only have 1 mobile number for the other parents, but can you text that number & ask for other parents numbers? I've done this in the past for this exact reason.

ViewBasket · 17/11/2016 18:46

Good idea Santino Smile

Wizzysmum1 · 17/11/2016 18:46

I had this with my ds 10th birthday recently! I was so upset at the thought of having to cancel as we had so few replays. Then the week before we got quite a few saying sorry forgot etc but can x still come.
Bloody rude in my opinion and would not do it myself

ViewBasket · 17/11/2016 19:13

Unfortunately I think there are some who don't reply until the last minute in case they get a "better offer" or end up deciding to do something else that day Angry Really rude, when someone has taken the trouble to set up a party and invite you.

Flowers
QuintessentialShadow · 17/11/2016 19:29

Reeboot, I assumed she could get the other numbers seeing as she has ONE number, surely that is not too hard to do? Call the other parent she knows the number of and talk about the situation and maybe rope that other parent in?

Out of curiosity, did your ds invite ALL the boys in the class, or leave some out?