To hate comments like this

[RaggyDoll1]

Am I being unreasonable

I hate it when people say its ok for you because

DH has a good job (he worked bloody hard for it, son of a postie and worked up to where he is now).

Your kids are so well behaved (erm.. they weren't born like that, its due to good old fashioned discipline, and believe me they are not always well behaved.

You are a SAHM (the grass is always greener on the other side, being at home all day with 3 under 4 plus 2 teenagers is not easy. I would much rather work and can't wait for the younger 3 to start school!

You have no money troubles ( its because Im a saver, it has been drummed into me and my dh by our working class parents. Asda clothes, hardly go to restaurants. Treats for the kids but we have 5 kids so its often something like movie night etc

I feel its really unfair when people just assume its ok for me and don't acknowledge how hard dh and i are working.

Does anyone else feel like this?

OP- you are tempting fate!!

But your life is ok? Would you prefer if people pitied you and said how crap your life must be because your husband works hard (like most people in society) and you have to stay at home to look after your children?

I totaly empathise and agree with every word !

If you're a SAHM to five children, then you are in an extraordinarily high-risk position so I'd stop being so smug.

I can't believe this hasn't occurred to you.

I get quite a lot of sideways comments from people at our local church about sending my kids to private school when our church is in desperate need of money.

The school fees are paid by the grandparents (who live hundreds of miles away so don't attend our church, DP and I could not afford even a fraction of the fees. We give to our local church, but at a level according to our own means.

I think that it is the interaction of three factors that influence our lives, and our values tie into the relative importance we place on the interaction.
Luck
Hard Work
Your Choices

I think of this as a triangle, in which any one point can skew the others and your life. Inside the triangle has to be the external economic context - whether we live in an area with good schools, whether there are jobs around, opportunities for social mobility and so on.

It is a little naive to think your choices have no impact on your life - that its just hard work (or luck) why one is in a "better" or "worse" place. Whether one realises we had a choice at the time is tricky as self-awareness is difficult and it is extremely difficult to imagine what might have happened if you did something else 10 or 20 years ago. But I understand the frustration of the OP who gets frustrated that her choices are perhaps being minimised by others or her friends can't find themselves accountable for their own choices. But as has been said, luck works both ways and everyone starts from a unique starting point, so how can we really compare?

If you take away the opportunities in the external situation, no amount of hard work may change your lot (there are various historic situations in which this has been very true as well as today).

How you view the interaction affects your values and political beliefs - from extremes like everyone can be successful if they work hard and make good choices (the american dream if you like) to the victorian poor were lazy and their lives worthless.

If they say "you're lucky" then I don't think it's a problem but if it's said judgey then it's annoying as hell.

My DH doesn't work (he's taken on full time higher studies at university) and I work in a good job that I've worked bloody hard for. Some people make comments like "must be nice not having to do anything all day" and it drives me mad. He does most of the tidying, makes sure tea is on the table when I get in and studies all day so he can get a better job.

My mother had also made comments about why we can't afford to do weekends away with her and makes silly comments about "well really he should just get any job". She's always complaining about having no money but eats out a lot, does weekends away, shopping etc.
Bottom line is we have a nice house in an affordable area and live comfortably but not extravagantly. People have different priorities.

I think "oh your lucky" is just one of the stupid things people say without thinking.

I had a long term friend who I worked with say I was lucky as I received a pension...mmmm yes but my DH had to die first

Well you are lucky compared to a huge percentage of the world's population. And you do sound a teeny bit smug... particularly as your financial situation isn't down to you, it's down to your choice of husband.

But yes those sort of comments piss me off too. I used to have a friend who married a boring twat man she didn't even like very much apart from the size of his bank balance. We would be talking about our husbands sometimes and she would say to me 'You're sooooo lucky that you and your H get on so well' - because yes of course it's all down to luck . Actually I did eventually call her up on it. We're not friends anymore.

My sister always tells me how lucky I am to have a great marriage. I am lucky I met him, It isn't all luck, we have been through a lot, death, awful illness, family problem, blended family etc which could have broken us and it took work to protect our marriage. I am not offended when she says I am lucky. She is single and would love a lovely relationship, so I understand what she means. I feel lucky to have him myself.

You have five children and can be a SAHM, that is lucky. Your husband works hard to allow you to do that. You are lucky that you are in the position not to have to work and have your husband provide for you but it takes one illness, death, him to leave you for your life to change completely. Life is all about luck, chances and choices.

Anyway, you admitted you are being unreasonable. Take it as a compliment.

My child has autism so I think people who have children that respond well to normal parenting strategies are so lucky and their lives must be so much easier than mine in that respect.

AIBU to resent that people call me lucky instead of just acknowledging I'm better than them?

Er, yes. Yabu.

I am glad you came back and took these comments on board, OP.

If I could scratch one phrase from the English language it would be "I work bloody hard!" - with all its unpleasant undertones of deserving and undeserving. The world is rammed with people who work bloody hard just to scrape by and stay alive. So much of material success is down to a complex interplay of circumstances of which effort is just one small part, and even then, just being ABLE to "work hard" is also a result of chance: having good physical and mental health, access to education, a personality and upbringing that enable you to see clearly what to do and how to do it.

I work for minimum wage and come home physically exhausted and mentally drained. I'm well-educated and very intelligent, but I have ASD, and despite a lifetime of trying to understand the world and fit in, everyday living is still just so hard, confusing and frightening for me. I've had to come to an accommodation with myself and accept that I will never earn much money. Living for me is like trying to operate a complicated machine whose manual is in Portuguese.

And yet I, too, am lucky. I'm lucky to even have the job I do, when I thought I couldn't get any job. I'm lucky that my children are sweet and clever and kind and don't seem to struggle in the ways I do. I'm lucky that I can find joy in books and films and good food, which I'm lucky to have access to! I'm lucky even on a very superficial level that I am slim and attractive, which opened a few doors for me that my awkward personality could not. I'm lucky that my mother is alive and supportive and would catch me if the shit ever really hit the fan.

End of ramble

I do think you do sound quite fortunate to have a DH that can comfortably support you and 5 children im about to have my first baby and ive just had a quote for a nursery place for when I return to work and have also just looked into how much breakfast and after school clubs cost if we say have 2 children. Nearly my entire part time salary will be going on childcare to enable me to work and not lose the profession I trained so hard for. Id love to be a Sahm and have 5 kids but realistically we'll be able to afford 2 and I'll have to work practically for free until they are old enough to get a school bus to and from school.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. She's not saying that people with less money etc. haven't worked hard or had crappy luck, she's just saying that she doesn't like people saying that she's lucky when actually she's got what she's got because of the effort she's put in. Calling it luck devalues her efforts.
If two people have the same amount of 'luck' in life but one saves their money and can afford to buy a house while the other goes out partying and drinking every night and can't afford the rent would you say the first was 'lucky'? No, because they'd taken what life gave them and done the best they could. Of course, if both people saved their money the same & then the second one lost it all having to pay for expensive medical treatment for their loved ones then you could say they were unlucky. But the first ones would still have earned their 'success' (as would the second), albeit compared to the second they'd then be 'luckier' with the way things had turned out.

Oh dear, people are so mean and jealous. They don't tell you that you are lucky, but "It's ok for you", which sounds like your life is easy and everything is handed to you on a plate. I hate that too. You have made so choices, and people only see the results. Yes, it's ok for you to be healthy, that is pure luck. Everything else is hard work.

I heard that from people commenting on families taking several holidays a year. Boo to them. Some go on holiday, some prefer to have sky/ expensive mobile phone package/ take aways/ drinks/ expensive clothes/ 2 cars/ hair dresser appointment and the list goes on. Why should a family be made ashamed of working bloody hard? 12 hours a day, 6 or 7 days a week. You might be a SAHM, but your house might have been bought thanks to the 2 salaries you had before having children. When you see the cost of childcare and transports, not everyone can afford to go back to work that easily anyway. Some women are lucky they can afford to go to work and don't have to stay home.

People are not saying you are lucky (which you are if your whole family is healthy) they are saying they are jealous and envious.

You sound really smug.
Well done! Yes you are great!

You are fortunate that you have been able to make the most of the opportunities that have come your way and the cards that you have been dealt. Yes that takes effort.

Other people put in the same or even more effort but have not had the same opportunities as you or have been dealt cards that make their lives so much more challenging than you.

We were riding high for several years with everything going in our direction, then disability took over our lives and has changed everything for us. You do need to be grateful for what you have.

When people tell you that you are lucky, you can acknowledge that they are correct without taking anything away from the effort that you have put in to what you have.

Stealth boast.

A lot of people work hard, but don't get the break, and I'm going to say this. Who are you to lecture anyone about having worked hard for what you've got. When you don't work yourself. You're no different than a single mum who doesn't work or are your set of rules better because you're married to a successful man.
Oh and I'm glad your kids are Saints, but. It's not always about good old fashioned discepline. What about children with medical conditions such as ADHD.

Awwlookatmybabyspider

perfect example of a bitter person. You can be more valuable as a SAHM than you would be by working a few hours for minimum wage. Your salary paid for half the house you are living in. You take care of everything and free your husband from boring chores so he can concentrate on work and enjoy his (rare) weekends off without having to deal with rubbish. Oh, and you raise your own children instead of paying for a child minder/ nursery. You also save money by not employing a cleaner, living off ready meals.

I have absolutely nothing about working mums (as I have a job, that would be hard) but I can't stand the smug ones trying to put a SAHM down. They chose to be there for their kids, how dare you lecturing them.

I'm not lecturing anyone. I'm making a point. I've not put sahms down.

I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. She's not saying that people with less money etc. haven't worked hard or had crappy luck, she's just saying that she doesn't like people saying that she's lucky when actually she's got what she's got because of the effort she's put in. Calling it luck devalues her efforts.

OP is in a very precarious position. It's pretty silly to start a thread about how sensible you are when you have five children and no job. How many MN threads have you read about women who write the exact same story, past tense, who are now using food banks?

Actually, I think making this all about lucky/not lucky and choices & chances etc. is not really what I thought the OP was about. She didn't really say I hate it when people say I'm lucky, she said she hates it when people say 'it's OK for you because'...any one of the reasons she mentioned.

Making it about luck is missing the point. The OP seems to have accepted that she is lucky, as are a lot of us, but 'it's OK for you because' is actually different. It's saying 'I have x problem, you don't have that particular problem, and because you don't, I'm going to ignore the fact that you might have other worries and concerns that I know nothing about, because I don't care about you or your problems'. To me it displays a kind of self-centredness, a narrow-mindedness, an unwillingness or inability to appreciate that we all carry burdens of different types, and even those who appear to have charmed lives, still experience things that are unpleasant.

I often read here sentiments along the lines of 'don't judge anybody based on what you see in a snapshot, you don't know what else is going on in that person's life' etc. and 'it's OK for you because' is doing exactly that, it's saying 'this is my problem, you don't have it, so therefore your life must be infinitely better/easier than mine', without knowing any of the other facts.

YANBU OP, 'it's OK for you because' is not a nice thing to say and is usually a demonstration of that person's high level of self-orientation.

I think when people say "it's ok for you" to me it's normally right before they go into a woe is me.

Me and my dh both work and have been made redundant 6 times between us in 9 years.

We're fortunate to have a teeny mortgage and the ability to manage our house hold bills on one wage so we've always weathered issues but it's not fun.

Our dd was an easy baby and slept through from early on and as luck would have it a dream to wean and is developing well.

My mummy friends are the worst for comparing our lives with an it's ok for you straight after they've asked for advice.

When I say comparing our lives the conversations normally go:

Friend: ds isn't sleeping well what do you do?

Me: we've got a strict bed time routine so dinner bath milky drink story bed - we've found that dd is normally sleeping for 7

Friend: is that 7 every night? Even with work and eating and stuff?

Me: yes, I have to make sure we're organised with dinner etc so we get her settled or she's becomes over tired and is a nightmare

Friend: it's ok for you I can't get everything prepared so it's 9pm by the time ds is in his pjs as I work until 5 and then he screams and throws his food until as he's so tired

Me: I work intil 5 too and have to prepare slow cooker food or prep what I can the night before