To hate comments like this

[RaggyDoll1]

Am I being unreasonable

I hate it when people say its ok for you because

DH has a good job (he worked bloody hard for it, son of a postie and worked up to where he is now).

Your kids are so well behaved (erm.. they weren't born like that, its due to good old fashioned discipline, and believe me they are not always well behaved.

You are a SAHM (the grass is always greener on the other side, being at home all day with 3 under 4 plus 2 teenagers is not easy. I would much rather work and can't wait for the younger 3 to start school!

You have no money troubles ( its because Im a saver, it has been drummed into me and my dh by our working class parents. Asda clothes, hardly go to restaurants. Treats for the kids but we have 5 kids so its often something like movie night etc

I feel its really unfair when people just assume its ok for me and don't acknowledge how hard dh and i are working.

Does anyone else feel like this?

You, like everyone else, played the hand they were dealt. That meant making decisions, weighing up situations, anticipating outcomes, and a large dose of hoping for the best.

You are lucky that that worked out for you.

If you discovered tomorrow that your husband had a second family, or a had had a string of affairs, or had made a bad investment that cost you everything, or just one of those decisions you made hadn't worked out as you'd anticipated/predicted/hoped... it could all have gone/still go the other way. So yes, you made 'sensible' decisions, but you were also lucky that they worked out the way that they did for you.

Very few people don't give a shit about themselves or their lives or rely on other people to sort things out for them. Most people do exactly as you have done, it's just that sometimes things don't always work out the way you intended.

I think the OP is possibly making a wider point that there is a fair amount of resentment around, and that the prevailing attitude is that personal circumstances are due to luck rather than something that can be achieved through other means.

That's how I understood it anyway

You are lucky. Your dh earns well, facilitating you to be a SAHM to the six kids you chose to have, with no money worries. You benefit enormously from being married to him.
Yes, you're very lucky to be in the privileged position you are.

(I thought she had 5 kids) ? [pointless remark, haven't I got something better to do?? ]

WeAreUglyButWeHaveTheMusic - good post. It can all change in the blink of an eye

It only annoys me when people trot out 'you are lucky' to convince themselves it's why they aren't. For the most part it's true that someone is lucky or privileged.

For example, my friend considers me lucky to have passed uni. I agree in one respect, I left with loads of debt and worked hard but I was lucky to get in and have the chance. However it annoys me when she goes on about it because she had the same luck of getting in but chose not to bother to work or put effort it and so failed.

In her eyes I was just lucky to pass but actually we both had the same opportunities (with her having no debt since mum and dad paid!) But she screwed around and had fun while I worked both at uni and to pay.

YABU. There are plenty of people who work hard but don't have a well-paid job. Or try very hard with their children but for various reasons beyind their control don't achieve great behaviour. Like you, I have a pretty good life and well-behaved children. But I know that part of the reason why is luck. Luck in where, when and in what kind of family I was born, luck that I was academically able, luck in avoiding major disease or disability, luck in who I met and married etc etc.

Thanks for all the replies.

Obv I am being unreasonable. I'm going to be more grateful for everything. Sorry if I caused offence to anyone.

Luck in where, when and in what kind of family I was born, luck that I was academically able, luck in avoiding major disease or disability, luck in who I met and married etc etc.

Exactly.

I hate the assumption that only people with good jobs/incomes work hard. Plenty of low earning, struggling families work hard. This isn't a direct moan at you OP, just reading the thread reminded me of this.

You are wishing your little children grow up quickly so you can get back out to work??

Agree you have to take a look at yourself. I think your friends might be suggesting you are a bit smug. A lot of what you describe is good luck, and good luck can change in a heartbeat.

People living in debt, in horrible housing, on benefits, with "difficult" children, working 3 jobs aren't generally in that position because they haven't worked hard enough. They might have worked twice as hard as your DH, but in a sector that declined. They might have been victim of a disease which meant they couldn't work and had to go on to benefits once they had exhausted their savings. Maybe they chose to follow a vocation that was not well paid because they genuinely want to make a difference to wider society. Perhaps they have had caring responsibilities which meant following a career was not for them.

Appreciate your good luck while you have it.

Obv I am being unreasonable. I'm going to be more grateful for everything. Sorry if I caused offence to anyone.

Fair enough, OP. I think the point is not to dismiss your efforts and hard work (or mine!). It's just important to recognise that luck also plays a part as well, because many people will be working just as hard as you are, with much less favourable outcomes.

*Thanks for all the replies.

Obv I am being unreasonable. I'm going to be more grateful for everything. Sorry if I caused offence to anyone.*

Cross posted! Kudos for coming back and saying that.

I don't think you're unreasonable OP, I feel the same.

People say the same to me, but I've done without and scrimped and saved while they have spent every penny they've had and built up huge debt on clothes and alcohol.

And they have DCs while I'm infertile.

So yes, I totally understand what you're saying OP. People should think before they judge.

I think perhaps they mean 'fortunate'. So not luck in the sense of the blind luck of winning the lottery where you end up with a huge reward for little effort through sheer chance. I suspect they mean fortunate in more of a 'that's a desirable state of affairs' without necessarily making any judgement about how 'deserving' or otherwise you are.

Yeh but Badknee, those of us who haven't got a DH on loads, enabling us to be a SAHM to 5 perfectly well behaved kids, have been lazy feckers and haven't worked as hard as her and her DH!

I quite like to be called lucky (if I ever am) or to think of myself as lucky.

Thinking of yourself as unlucky is very depressing.

it's good to remember you are lucky if you have had no real tragedy in your life and your circumstances are OK.

You have worked hard and made good decisions. You are ALSO lucky.

I understand the lure of believing that a good life is down to one's own hard work. It makes you (general you) feel protected from bad things happening. I succumb to it on occasion myself. We're comfortable - not wealthy but have all we need and more. We have healthy children largely doing well at school, and in the case of the one who has learning issues we are onto it and advocating for him. We absolutely have worked hard and made sacrifices and are financially reasonably cautious and debt-averse. BUT we are also lucky in that we haven't (yet - touch wood) had health-related curve balls, we were born into families that supported our education, and we are good at our jobs (this is partly hard work but partly unearned talent in both our cases), meaning we have been able to advance and been offered most jobs we have interviewed for. I know other people try harder than I do and have less to show for it. And I also know life and security are fragile.

Of course you're lucky
At the same time some people are childish or jealous or don't have as much control of their life as you have managed to maintain. And they might make stupid comments. It happens, humans aren't perfect I don't understand this wide eyed confusion or anger on MN when a human being says something less than perfect to them.

Although I should say it's extremely common in my generation to have a good, professional high earning job having come from a family of traditional/ Manual working class jobs. That's what labour did, sent everyone to university and created a different kind of job market. So your H really hasn't done anything unusual or hard working there

Nobody has ever said this to me. Probably because they know the response they'd get if they did. I don't consider myself luckier than others, but I do know that I'm very resilient so when something bad happens - such as redundancy - I don't dwell on it and lick my wounds but see it as an opportunity instead and a sign that it's probably time to move on to better things.

However I also genuinely believe that some people are dealt a particularly shitty hand in life. I am lucky that I and my family all have their health, for example. The Stand up to Cancer campaign really brought that home to me. I am also aware that while my parents were never wealthy, they were encouraging, supportive and engaged and therefore in this respect I had a good start in life. But it was down to me to find money for university, for example.

I had a boss once who insisted there was no such thing as 'luck' - you make your own. I don't think I agree with that, but I do agree that luck only gives you or takes away so much in life. The rest is down to you.

OP, I sympathise. I have a similar internal reaction when people say: "Your kids are so talented". We have 3 kids who all play their instruments very well. Are they particularly talented? No. Well, maybe one of them is quite talented. They have worked hard, and I have worked hard to give them a musical education and to keep music fun and interesting for them (this actually only worked with 2 out of 3 kids- the third one got fed up and quit).

It takes a tremendous amount of consistent effort to play an instrument well, and our family has put in that effort. I am annoyed when people assume that they play well because they are "talented".

I also get annoyed when people say I am lucky that my kids eat whole grains and vegetables. This is not luck; it is because I always fed them whole grains and vegetables. Kids eat what they get at home. If they have never seen a chicken nugget, they can't only eat chicken nuggets.

I would never ever mention these things to anyone in real life, because then that person would thing I was smug. I am not smug. I have plenty of problems and my kids have plenty of problems.

I am annoyed when people assume that they play well because they are "talented".

Surely people are just trying to be polite when they say stuff like this?

Clara I think you're being really harsh there. Surely it's a complement to say your children are talented? How would you feel if they said "oh Clara, I love hearing your children play. I mean they're so average but they really work hard!"

And te stuff about whole grains and veg is bullshit. It's not about nuggets, there are a whole heap of parents in the middle who don't feed their kids shit but also can't get them to eat veg and whole grains and it's nothing to do with you always feeding them that. And even if it is, your circumstances have allowed you to do that. Those of us who use childcare can't dictate what their children eat all day.

YABU and unattractively complaisant. If you have healthy children and a good household income you are damn lucky. And you could lose is all tomorrow and no hard work in the world could save you - what if a child or your DH was ill or died? That does happen to people, we don't all suffer and struggle because we haven't worked hard enough FFS.

I have a comfy life now and I consider myself very lucky and privileged. Perhaps because I know what real suffering looks like and you are lucky if you have managed to avoid that in life. Seriously, you have no idea.