To hate comments like this

[RaggyDoll1]

Am I being unreasonable

I hate it when people say its ok for you because

DH has a good job (he worked bloody hard for it, son of a postie and worked up to where he is now).

Your kids are so well behaved (erm.. they weren't born like that, its due to good old fashioned discipline, and believe me they are not always well behaved.

You are a SAHM (the grass is always greener on the other side, being at home all day with 3 under 4 plus 2 teenagers is not easy. I would much rather work and can't wait for the younger 3 to start school!

You have no money troubles ( its because Im a saver, it has been drummed into me and my dh by our working class parents. Asda clothes, hardly go to restaurants. Treats for the kids but we have 5 kids so its often something like movie night etc

I feel its really unfair when people just assume its ok for me and don't acknowledge how hard dh and i are working.

Does anyone else feel like this?

"Your kids are so talented"

I am genuinely gobsmacked that anyone would be annoyed at hearing this about their children. It really does take all sorts.

You are lucky op.

I was in a good financial position at one point, my husband was abusive and we had to leave everything. Now I'm trying to start my business back up but can't really go online with it, working constantly, studying from home and trying desperately to make a better life for myself and my kids. Sometimes life gets in the way of the best laid plans. You're lucky that hasn't happened to you.

When people tell me I have a bright/ talented/ well mannered child I simply respond "thank you. Yes, we're very proud of him", whilst taking a small internal bow that we are at least partially responsible for it. We were however blessed with a naturally easy baby who slept, ate and developed well so we already had a good starting point. And we always acknowledge that a fabulous 6yo has the ability to morph into a troublesome teenager so we won't congratulate him or ourselves too much just yet!

Brokenbiscuit got it in one. There is a perception that people's misfortunes are due to not working hard enough, not making the right choices. That's massively untrue. Your DH having a good job depends on many hundreds of thousands of people having shitty jobs where they work their fingers to the bone but can still not afford even the basics. Wealth is distributed unequally- that is how the rich can afford to get rich. Not saying you're rich of course. But if you think about a supermarket. The managers are very comfortably off, but this depends on a huge number of people below them having to work incredibly hard for very low remuneration, including the fruit and veg pickers who sometimes live in conditions of near slavery. It's way too simplistic to blame them all for not working hard enough. You and your DH have worked hard, but some of it is luck and having access to opportunities that others simply don't have.

Yes and in fact, some people are gratuitously overpaid, earning ££££s for nothing good, useful or deserving.
Aren't those people lucky?

Wow. You earn enough to have & fully support 5 children? You must be loaded. I assume your husband is such a high earner that you don't claim child benefit or rely on the state education system?

Clara you are either being nieve or deliberate lynne obtuse- my kids only had breast milk, avacado, homemade humous and nothing but wholefoods until 2+, they now eat very little healthy foods - this because they have asd/spd and can't cope with the sensory imput of most healthy foods. I wanted to wean from bf and they still barely ate more than a spoonful of anything offered until I tried chips and white bread and sausage rolls and precut applet slices of all identical shapeople and size. First rule of thumb is kid should be fed.

Life is a lot to do with luck. But also I do see where you are coming from. People don't always see what you have to do to appear like you've been lucky!

I was often told how lucky I was to be able to work round my children. And yes I felt lucky to have that job. However, it also meant that I missed out on sleep, as I worked nights and couldn't get childcare for disabled child. Nobody really noticed that!

Yep, you are lucky, sorry. If you really want you can tell people "the harder I work, the luckier I get", but to think that what you have is only down to your graft and effort... it isn't. You've definitely benefited from some luck in there too.

Here's the rub: you could have done exactly the same, made exactly the same choices, put in exactly the same effort and yet suffered something genuinely UNlucky, and not be anywhere near as "okay" as you are right now. So the fact that nothing bad has come along and scuppered all your hard work and effort - because yes, that DOES happen, it's called life - THAT is lucky.

Life and everything in it, it can all be taken away in an instant. Be grateful. You are very lucky. But also give yourself a pat on the back and feel good about yourself - you DO deserve to - because even the luckiest among us can fail to put to convert that into success. You've taken your opportunities and made them into a life you're proud of - good on you!

Yabu. Learn some humility and wake up.

I'd have given anything to be a SAHM when my teens were little, anything. But DH was on a very very poor wage, working bloody hard, I'll tell you, and his wage paid exactly the mortgage (on the cheapest house in the cheapest area locally). I had no choice but to work; it was pre working tax credits etc.

By the time the DCs were school age we were thousands in debt on credit cards because no matter how much I scrimped -went without just about everything - there just wasn't enough to feed us and pay the bills and get us to the end of the month.

We are straight now after all these years and for the first time ever we have some savings. The other day I found DH's payslips and our bills whilst I was tidying and I thought "how the hell did we not just starve?"

There are people out there in real poverty who are also working bloody hard. And it's not because they are not "savers" that they have no money worries.

I am very lucky with my teens - they've sailed through with no real worries. Sometimes I think what a good job I've done. Then I bring myself up short and sharp because I know people who've done an equally good job, with "good old fashioned discipline" and lots of love - and their kids are totally off the rails.

I have a friend who had way more than me whilst the DCs were small, stayed at home, lovely house, no money worries. A couple of years ago her DH had an affair, the house was sold, she had to go back to full time work, lost all the nice lifestyle, the lot. That could be any of us. You never know what the future holds. So don't be too smug and be grateful every day for what you have.

people really don't give a fuck and are only making conversation, just care about whats going on in your own life and not how others perceive you and you will be much happier.

I think you are lucky and people see that.

Many people are trapped in poorly paid jobs despite having good qualifications. Have been left by less responsible partners despite being decent women. Have children with disabilities despite doing all the 'right' things. Have dealt with serious illness despite a healthy lifestyle.

You've worked hard to reach where you are and will probably go on to enjoy a job once the younger children are in school, but many people work just as hard but are dealt bad luck and their lives are a struggle.

Instead of resenting other's comments you should acknowledge how lucky you are with grace.

Surely everyone understands that it's a mix of both? I'm lucky my disabled children now have a great school, but we got there because myself & oh worked very hard to learn the system, advocate for them, pay for private tutors and confidence boosting therapeutic activities whilst home schooled, equally we were lucky enough that we were able to do so, although our debt because of this tells a different story and we will now no longer be lucky enough to have our longed for big family because of this.

Op, it sounds like someone has said this to you in a way that's uspet you. You are allowed to find your life frus trading and moan to friends and wish your kids were in school so you can work (in wish mine did more than their few hours so I could work more than a token amount). You have a right to feel listened to and supported by friends/family in that way, but that doesn't make it ok to suggest/imply that others have a worse life because they don't work as hard or that you have it so good because of hard work only. It is great you taught your kids manners, but it is fortunate they were born able to learn them.

This is an issue I am really struggling with today! I work very hard for low pay and my partner hasn't worked for years and squirrels all his money away into his own property investments. Sometimes I have to ask him for money which is cringeworthy. I do the majority of the domestic stuff and always cook dinner for him and all 5 kids in the evening. Usually I am very positive in my outlook and thank my lucky stars that I am healthy and can feed my kids lovely, nutritious home-cooked meals as I no longer have to commute into town, but many of my friends with kids of similar ages are SAHM's who go out to lunch together and have fabulous holidays and loads of time to spend organising their social life. Some even have cleaners and send out the ironing. I get bitter from time to time and see that they do have it a bit easier, but everyone has shitty times, and it could all change overnight

OK I agree with the people like Stoic who criticised me for my post. I am lucky that I could feed my kids what I wanted when they were little, and that I had time to cook and time to help them learn to play instruments. I know that we are very very lucky. Lucky to live in such a wonderful country, lucky to be healthy, lucky to have enough money, and have each other. I never said we aren't lucky.

About the "talented" comment, of course I am happy and say thanks if people compliment my kids, and yes I am aware that no one cares and that people are just being polite and making conversation.

I guess my point is that when I compliment other people's kids, I would say "Wow your DS sounds amazing- he played beautifully" or "I loved your DDs painting- I thought it was really beautiful". I do this because I think people are usually good at difficult things because a lot of effort has gone into creating them.

So while I am thankful that anyone compliments my kids, I also am a bit annoyed that people have no idea how much hard work went into creating what they do. In my opinion, that is one reason why the arts don't get much support, and a lot of art forms are pretty dumbed down.

meh...

i think op has a point. we too are very fortunate in the way our life has panned out so far, dh has made good money, i'm a sahm etc but when people say 'its alright for you...' it makes you feel... belittled maybe, not sure that's the right word, like the hard times you have had (at one point i was pregnant and dh was made redundant, we risked everything on him starting a business of his own, he worked 18hour days 6 days a week, sometimes 7, for 3 years, and we had very limited money to show for it) seem irrelevant because it all worked out in the end, and that it almost hard nothing to do with the hard work and effort and sacrifice
you made, that it was ultimately just lucky. of course it's partly luck, but not all.
i don't like it when people say it to me, despite knowing i'm incredibly fortunate, probably cos it's usually followed by some remark about how i know nothing of how hard their life is is, when equally they know very little of our struggles either, they just assume we don't have any because money is no longer our main worry.

YANBU OP - can't believe the amount of people who think you are!

'Well, it's okay for you ....' is my brothers favourite thing to say!
Example - he often says to my mum 'Well, it's okay for you because you own your own home and I have to pay for rent ...' .... I think that's insulting. He knows full well that my mum raised us both by herself with no help from our extremely violent father then bought the house whilst working 60hrs a week for years on minimum wage jobs like cleaning, chambermaid work etc It's implying that she has had it easy or handed to her on a plate, she hasn't, she worked damn fucking hard. He, on the other hand, works 40hrs a week, blows his money on going out every weekend (a luxury my mum could ill-afford whilst paying a mortgage on her own), then takes his washing to my mums, goes to my mums for food for at least 2weeks out of 4 because he's wasted it on alcohol ... urgh, I could go on.

I think I used to feel like you OP, but thing change.

I had the well paid job that I'd worked damned hard for. I didn't have money worries as I could save for things I wanted. I wasn't "lucky" and everything was down to my hard work and effort.

Then I had a kid with autism.
Then I lost my job as the stress of working alongside the stress of caring for a child with SN made me ill all the time.
Then we were left living on DH's wage, where despite him working 40 hours a week saw us living on the breadline.

Then I realised that I used to be lucky.

You're lucky OP, you really are. Take it as a compliment and get on with enjoying your lucky life.

Pffft. Yabu. You are lucky. You can work hard and earn practically nothing, so it is also down to luck.

I get the oppposite 'oh, poor you'. I'm single (bad man choices), work two jobs (one NMW, other from home) and earn peanuts, my kids are grown up and have left home and one is emigrating.

But I'm perfectly content. I don't feel like a 'poor me', but I don't mind it when people say it, because it means they appreciate that my life can be tough (no heating in the house, no meals out, no travel) and they can't imagine living like this. So maybe 'you're lucky' is just from people who don't actually mean you are 'lucky' to be where you are, they are just showing that they have noticed you seem to have your life together?

I hear this from friends sometimes. I am a SAHM to 2 primary aged children. They both do well in school and are lovely, well behaved kids.

People assume that because I don't work we must have loads of money or that it was a choice. What they don't realise (or seem to have forgotten in some cases) is that we are in our forties and unlike our friends don't own our home or are likely to in the next 10 years.

What they forget is that I left my job because I had severe HG which led to anti-natal depression and a long cycle of post-natal depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.

When they say I'm lucky to have had girls and that's why they are so well behaved and that boys are some much harder work they never consider that I might like to have had a son but the HG and depression made having more than 2 children unthinkable.

Also, some people seem to have forgotten that my oldest child has health problems and sensory issues and suffers from anxiety. Her toddler and early school years were harder than any job I'd ever had.

Sorry for the self-pitying essay but my point is that people look, and comment on, what they see on the surface. These people are friends but on a superficial level or acquaintances. They don't know or even want to know the intimate details of your life.

So when someone like that says I am a lucky I agree that I am. We have come through some difficult times but we are a close and loving family. We have a home and enough to eat and occasional treats. I'd call that lucky.

In the words of Baz Lurrhman:

"Don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself. Your choices are half chance. So are everyone else's. "