AIBU to report my son for 'tuckshop selling'

[marl]

Have just found a huge stash of chocolate under DS's duvet. It transpires he is making a good £20 a week by selling this at school which is against the school rules. His argument is 'the school don't care...one boy was caught to his knowledge and he was just 'told off'...and he 'doesn't see the problem'. As part of a small catalogue of teenagerish behaviours that have been escalating in the last 2 weeks, IDP and I are now too tired to be clear-thinking.

I recognise this is not exactly class A drugs, and some people might praise entrepreneurship. But I feel uncomfortable about it : 1. if he gets caught the principle is that 'I knew' so by letting him carry on I am condoning it. 2. I wondered why he was suddenly being a flash harry with cash - he has that over-confident tendency to talk about things that I think of as luxuries as being 'cheap' which doesn't feel great. He lives another very affluent life every other weekend with ex-h. 3. He has a £30 a month allowance to include phone top up. I remove some of it occasionally as a punishment. Obv now this holds now sway at all. 4. I don't think it's a great idea to be feeding crap to your 'friends'

WWYD? Remove his allowance on that basis that he no longer needs it? Talk to the school and get them to catch him..with the risk that I continue to be the 'poor parent' in his eyes if he realises it's me? Leave him to get on with it? I didn't get very far in talking about it with him - he remains condescending and scornful which is the norm at the moment.

Though of course, the upside is, as things stand, I now have a cupboard very full of chocolate :-)

What a great kid !
He'll hopefully go far in life.
Don't take his allowance away.

Can you send him round to my office....?

Hassled I loved that film, but I was always Gregory's girl.

One of my problems (and many schools') with this is older kids profiteering. It's easy for a year 10 to make a lot of money out of year 7s........

Allthebestnamesareused - Is the school rule no selling or no sweets? My son was flush and it turned out he stood by the vending machine selling the same stuff but undercutting the vending machine to the queue of kids having bought it cheaper at the supermarket on the way to school.

That is pure genius! I doff my cap to your son there Allthebest

I think that was the schools concern with what my brother was doing, it was exploitative to the younger kids.

That and it was really scuppering the healthy eating programme the school had going on.

Entrepreneurial or not, I would not be encouraging my child to break school rules or be tolerant of them doing so.

Of course, if he sold it before school off school premises, that would surely not be breaking any rules.

I find this really interesting, as there are a lot of sides to it.

In supplying 'black market goods' he has become a spiv, in old-fashioned language. The biggest risk I see is that he takes on that 'outsider identity', as someone who's learnt from experience he can operate outside normal rules profitably - and that that leads to dodgier dealings in future, as the rules he's trangressing and consequences to him and others become more serious.

So it may be an act of entrepreneurship which inspires further entrepreneurial tendencies, great.

Or it may be part of the adoption of an identity, as a flash geezer, which leads away from honest entrepreneurship in future.

I see two things that could lead him in one direction or the other. One is understanding why rules are there and being able to take an ethical stance on their value, separately from assessing the risks and benefits of breaking them. The other is his peers. Does he hang around with good kids able to draw ethical lines and enforce these socially, or does he know and admire anyone who breaks rules amorally?

Taking away his allowance endorses his new income stream, so I wouldn't do that. I would talk to him about compound interest and encourage saving. I would continue to talk to him about ethics in everyday decision-making. I would stay aware of who he hangs around with and whether he starts to drift away from a good social group (on the grounds that that will be more visible than any dodgy associations he replaces them with).

In my day it was greasy sausage rolls from the corner shop, against the rule of no leaving school grounds during the school day. The prize for making a shop run was short-term kudos and an element of reciprocity. We all got over that phase by 16 (shortly before the discovery of BSE, bleurgh).

I would be tempted to leave him to it, at that age it's good it's not drugs. My husband used to sell mini bottles of European low alcohol lager in school and used to make loads of money. His mum was unwell so he used it to buy essentials for school and clothes
It's made him into the entrepreneurial man he is today. As well as working full time in architecture. We also run our own limited company from home x

I'm pretty appalled by the whole 'It doesn't matter if he breaks the rules as long as he accepts the punishment if he gets caught' attitudes. Good luck when they leave school and decide that the 'fine to do the crime, but be willing to do the time' thing applies to the actual law as well. It's no wonder so many kids in school behave like arrogant, entitled, irresponsible louts if their parents are colluding in their behaviour and encouraging them to ignore the rules.

I think there is a pragmatic line whereby you explain why you don't approve, talking through consequences they might not have thought of, and ask a teen to desist, while recognising that you might not easily be able to stop them and that the risk to your relationship of trying is greater than the harm of the behaviour.

Yes, that is an argument for applying pragmatism and personal morality to all sorts of rules but, in reality that is what most people do all the time. I'd argue that lacking the critical thinking ability to do this is more dangerous than the consequences of breaking some rules.

Eolian - my son is the most rule obeying young man you could imagine - at 20 doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, and has never stolen etc.

My attitude has always been - school enforce school rules. I enforce moral codes, and make sure my children know about the laws of the land.

I can understand where you are coming from regarding upholding rules etc, but honestly? I am seriously impressed and would be if it were my child. That is a brain on his shoulders!! I would after explaining about rule breaking etc, explain why I was turning a blind eye (some rules are there because? While others are important because.....) and leave him to it.

I'd also be delighted and turn a blind eye.

Is this a stealth boast?

To me it's not about what he's doing but the impression you give. Surely by condoning it you are basically saying "obey the rules unless you think they are stupid and then don't bother." That's a dangerous thing to say imo.

Yes I agree with this. Bit surprised by all the admiration on this thread. Sure it's enterprising but there will be a reason the school have this rule, it's rare a school makes a rule for no reason.

Having said that OP I don't think you have condoned it, you've reminded him it's against school rules, you don't approve and will be supporting the school if he gets caught. You can't actually stop him can you so realistically this is the best you can do.

I'd also be worried about this it may be part of the adoption of an identity, as a flash geezer given the other things you've said about his attitude.

I think I'd be reminding him that while £80 a month may seem great and rolling in it now, it's damn all in the real world and in the meantime he's risking pissing off his school - which could matter a lot more in the long term than £80 a month.

There are rules in schools about this for reasons,
Protecting younger pupils from exploitation
Healthy eating
Fairness to children from poorer back grounds who wont be able to afford the "black market"
Children with allergies not knowing what exactly is in the product
The list goes on...

All those saying well he has a clever head on his shoulders, I'd pat him on the back etc. Do you feel the same about tax evasion? Breaking the rules to make a profit essentially.

Yes encourage your son to be an entrepreneur but don't make out like he is a hero for doing so.

I used to do this - bar and a can for £1 - used make a fortune!

Oh the drama hairspray.

I have to admit a sneaky admirations for him He is using his initiative and making his own money. Its probably not got anything to do with 'image' or being a 'flash geezer' (seriously?) All entrepaneurs start somewhere..

This has been going on in school forever, its really not doing anyone any harm. In high school any kids with alergies will know what they can and cannot have same with diabetic kids.

As for the 'poor' kids there is a lot that I would liked to have afforded when I was at school but I couldnt its just life, its not like all the school are buying sweets from him except the '2 poor kids' who are being deliberately excluded. He isnt responsible for how much money other kids have to spend.

I would be pretty pleased if my teen thought of anything other than bloody computer games! Its bad enough getting him to do chores for pocket money. £80 a month is a huge amount for a teen to earn off his own innitiative.

Some rules are 'just because' some are important, I really dont think this is one of the 'important' ones. But he knows the rule is there and will have to take any consequences. Its not going to scar him for life.

My DS used to do this.

Kids are selling and undercutting the school. This isn't about health if the school sell the same. It isn't about ripping off younger kids if they are cheaper than at school.

seems the school just don't want the competition...

I would let him get on with it, it's only chocolate.

I would be so proud!

Jesus, hairspray, it's chocolate - chocolate that the school already sells. Are you this mind-numbingly earnest in real life?

But why should anybody profit from breaking the rules?