To feel uncomfortable about finances?

[whyohwhydoibother]

Ok. Bit of a long one here ladies (and gentlemen), so I apologise. Also, any monetary figures are not intended as a stealth boast, but more as a perspective to our situation. We recognise that we are incredibly fortunate to be in the situation we are.

I am the breadwinner for our house. Our DC is under 1, and my partner stays home to take care of them. For background, we both have fairly demanding careers which can be affected by time off, however in my current job I earn 3 times as much as my partner.

We decided for economic and various other complicated reasons that I would go back to work after my paid maternity leave finished, and my partner would take the following 6-9 months unpaid leave. So far so good, I love my job, it's very rewarding, and I think is helping me to recover from post natal depression/anxiety.

My problem comes with our finances. Before my partner went on leave, we discussed our outgoings, and agreed a figure for all of his costs, plus 'buffer'. He also gets all of the agreed food budget. For reference, this is equivalent to £1500 a month (£1000 of 'his' money - mostly pre-relationship debts - and £500 a month for food).

For the last 3 months, an average of £1500 extra a month has been taken out of the savings account to pay his credit card. He says this is 'living expenses' which seems to include any coffees, house items or extras that he doesn't deem as being directly related to him. I feel very uncomfortable about this, as I thought our agreed budget covered these extras, as when I buy them, I take them out of 'my' money (budgeted at £1000 a month).

I am in the fortunate position of having none of my own debts to pay, so the budget was agreed to be strictly equitable, however I rarely spend it, and any leftovers are put into the joint savings account. In addition, I tend to arrange a pre-planned food delivery service for myself, which I pay for out of my own budget, not the family food money. He is usually only buying for himself and our baby.

When I try to discuss this matter, my partner gets very defensive, and we can end up arguing. I don't believe he's hiding or taking extra money, as I have access to all of his accounts, however it's the general attitude towards addressing my concerns I can't understand. We are trying to invest as much as we can, so we can ultimately have a choice about what jobs we take, but I end up feeling my partner is spending to 'compensate' for taking time off work.

So as not to drip feed, when we initially set up home together, I paid off roughly £30000 of his debt from my own savings, to allow us to get an investment mortgage, which he wants to decrease at £1000 per month he's not working, in addition to his other outgoings. I am also funding a nanny and the cost of various courses for him to be able to alter his career, and likely allow him to remain close to home once his parental leave ends (the alternative could be him working 1500 miles away), which will work out to around £10000.

Is this unreasonable? Am I being fair in expressing concern about the level of spending? Or do I have to accept that this is just the level of expense associated with supporting a family of two adults and one child?

Is he stashing money away?!

I'm a sahm and I have full access to all the money and I can buy what I like but I would never dream of spending £3000 a month on myself!!
I may have access to the money but it's also my duty to look after the family finances and not spend all the money. Just because it's there doesn't mean it has to be spent.

Dh doesn't care what I spend or buy and never questions it because he doesn't have to, believe me he'd be asking questions if I spent that amount. And if I aren't the money and he was spending that amount I'd ask the same questions.

How much was the debt?? You paid 30k off it and he's been paying 1k per month for years.. and it's still not paid back, it's a debt the size of a mortgage.

You don't have to pay him for having a baby. And he has to realise that while he does need to be supported while he's taking care of baby he can't take the piss. Don't allow him to take the piss.

Does he gamble? I'm struggling to see how someone can burn through that much money and be in that much debt. You're not financially compatible. Personally I wouldn't be with someone with such a careless attitude to money. I work too hard for it to just be wasted like that.

I don't think you're being unreasonable or overly anxious. It's totally normal for partners to agree a personal spending budget regardless of who is working, who's at home, how much debt etc.
If he's not aware how much he's spending why don't you agree a new figure, out of context of his previous spending and therefore without blame, and either set a limit on the cc or assess it after a month when the statement comes in.
You don't need to completely open up your finances if you don't want to.
If he won't discuss finances then you have a problem and need to decide whether to take matters into your own hands.
I agree you should be setting aside personal savings to protect yourself and your child.

I'm wondering why you do all your spending on credit cards? It's so hard to budget that way.
We have a credit card for the first time this year, which is credited with money strictly for supermarket food and petrol each month, then we treat it like a joint account depending on who gets the shopping. We do this for the supermarket points and keep track on line, so never end up owing anything.

We have a reasonable income and it is very easy for the spending too run away. For a long time we withdrew our money as cash and kept it as ' pots' for different things, until we got an idea of where it was going.

Not OP but in my household we do all spending on a single credit card. Partly because we get rewards and partly so all spending is in one place and easier to track.

I do a sort of virtual version of envelopes of cash with a budgeting app. So I have a set "pot" for different things but all the actual spending goes on the credit card.

I've just checked and I've earned £55 in rewards in the last three months - so feels quite worth it to me.

Also do most spending on credit cards - it makes the 'different pots' very easy to track and then you pick cards that come with rewards such as cashback or Avios points and have a direct debit to fully clear them each month. The rewards stack up without you actually doing anything than shopping normally as long as you remember to use the right card for the right thing.

I love tracking rewards (need a better hobby clearly!). I get 3% on direct debits for household bills and 1% on all supermarkets and any contactless payments. It really adds up. Then there are promotions like 10% back on certain restaurants and things.

It sounds like a really complicated set up to me op. I'd be tempted to go back to the beginning and reset the compass tbh.

I'm the main 'breadwinner' (though currently on maternity leave which I saved for). We each have a current account, I pay proportionately more for mortgage and bills. We each have the same personal allowance per month over and above our regular outgoings for things like clothes and we also take a weekly allowance each which we "pool" for weekend meals out/ days out or whatever. Our 'savings' are for joint household expenditure/ car maintenance, holidays etc. The only debts we have are a car lease agreement and a caravan loan (both small and manageable).

It sounds to me like you need to sit down with your dh and discuss/ agree which of your expenditure falls into which categories - personal or household - after apportioning outgoings.

Fwiw I would be very wary of the level of debt you've already paid off for him and he does sound like he's massively overspending/ taking the piss. We are currently a family of three and spend £220 on food per month.

Haven't read all of the thread but it's crystal clear that he's using you to clear his debt before he goes elsewhere with a clean slate.

He'd be a better - more engaged with his child, more supportive of you, more protective of family money - father were he planning to stay.

Call his bluff and kick him out the day the nanny starts. You deserve better.

Spending 3k a month??! I struggle to spend that on x5 of us and that includes a fair amount of luxuries, lots of holidays, plenty of coffees, nice lunches and top tier gym memberships etc etc. He's taking the piss!! Don't feel guilty that DC wasn't 'planned' as you are both equally responsible for having unprotected sex and creating a baby. He chose to stay, you don't need to pay him for it!

My view FWIW;

I know this is not a popular view on MN although considering how many relationships break up I don't really know why.

Keep all your money separate - you might need it.
Protect the house if you own it and you are paying mortgage.

Put money into joint account for bills, food - including your food, childcare, household expenses.

Agree to give him some money for himself while he is a SAHP - but ideally he has to work.

I have never got the "all money is family money" idea.

If it were all to go wrong a few years down the line and you lost half the house, half the savings -(if married), and found your best working years behind you you might be bitter about having cleared all his debts.

You sound kind and thoughtful and fair OP.

And I would advise against getting married if you are not already.

Is this man really worth the cost to you? Sexist or not, I would not be able to respect a man who let (indeed expected) me to pay for everything. As a very temporary measure or due to illness maybe but a drawn out, malingering period of time would see me seething with resentment.

In some ways it's not even the money, it is the putting all the financial burden on you. You won't stay well off and fortunate for very long with his spending habits!

OP, why did you pay off his debts?

£37k so far.

Why was he not there for the first five months of your child's life?

How is he malingering? He's looking after their baby!

can anyone tell me what the debts were built up on?

I find it mind-boggling how much money your DP is burning through. I'd be very careful if I were you, and re-evaluate your plans and finances.

I'm a SAHM and realise I'm fortunate to have this luxury, but am eager to get back into work once DC3 is old enough to go to school, and already do as much part time evening work as our family schedule allows. £1500 is more disposable income than we have for our family of 5. In fact £1500 pays all our household bills, insurance food, petrol, clothes, kids pocket money, extra curricular activities such as music lessons, karate, swimming for the children, days out, miscellaneous spending (such as coffees, the odd lunch out etc), holiday once or twice a year and about £125 into a separate account for unforeseen expenses. And it's not a struggle to manage on that. I'm sorry, but you are definitely being taken for a ride. You're so worried about not offending your partner and alleviating your misplaced guilt over the timing of the conception of your DC that you are being very naive about your finances. I'm afraid I wouldn't be at all surprised if he leaves once you say the gravy train has to end and he needs to get a job pronto.

Apologies malingering was the wrong word. Delaying I meant as the op has herself said.

splendide The nanny is watching the baby He's supposed to be doing some further training for a few months.

Love to know what he's spending €1500 a month on extras???

Part of the issue here is that with a credit card he doesn't need to keep track. I'd bin it and then he has the money he has and that's it.

OP here - Think I mentioned earlier, but his debts were largely due to him taking the brunt of finances in a relationship that ended (in fact it seems he took them on in order to be able to end the relationship, otherwise he'd still be chasing her for money). The other monthly repayments are for a couple of boy's toys, student loan and a financial advisory service he's been a member of for a while, but which is now used for family investments, so needs to be transferred into the 'joint bills' pile, but his reluctance to talk about it has meant I haven't been able to find out the amounts!

I've seen the credit card bills, and there's honestly nothing 'untoward' in his spending, it's just a combination of daily luxuries (coffees, snacks) and items for the home/baby. I think it's more that I find it difficult to keep a 'tally' on what that figure is because I'm not the one handing over the card, so it can come as a surprise. Yes the total amount is excessive for any normal family, but I think we've got used to having our luxuries, so cutting them out may come as a shock (although a good one)

I'll admit that it's been difficult to hand over the role of 'head purchaser' - I rarely go food shopping, or have to arrange anything for the house, he does that; and being a type A control freak that adjustment has been a perspective change.. it's really refreshing in a way, but also scary.

We're trying to get to the bottom of our issues surrounding this - I seem to get more anxious about money the more we have, and he can't adjust to his 'dependent' role, and thinks that if he just goes back to work and earns his own money again, all of our problems will go away.. the reality is that if he does this before retraining, his only option is living away from the family, which I don't think is worth it either emotionally or financially. If he retrains in conjunction with work, we'd probably be looking at a year of him being away, whereas if he stays off, and we get the nanny to let him do it fulltime it could be done in another 3 months, but possibly 5.

Thanks for all of your opinions - I've taken them all on board, and it's given me some interesting perspectives.. when I write it all down (from my viewpoint) it obviously comes across as me looking like a gulliable idiot, but I'm sure if he did his own AIBU it would look very different and you'd all be telling him I was a crazy woman!

You don't look like a gullible idiot - you're just questioning what's happening. It's good to get an outside opinion and that's what AIBU is really helpful for

he's 'adjusting' fine to his 'dependent' role....that's why he keeps extending his 'back to work' start date and blowing through hundreds of pounds on fripperies

Quite telling that whilst he makes all the right noises about being independent - the whole time you're funding him his money in his account is not up for discussion