To feel uncomfortable about finances?

[whyohwhydoibother]

Ok. Bit of a long one here ladies (and gentlemen), so I apologise. Also, any monetary figures are not intended as a stealth boast, but more as a perspective to our situation. We recognise that we are incredibly fortunate to be in the situation we are.

I am the breadwinner for our house. Our DC is under 1, and my partner stays home to take care of them. For background, we both have fairly demanding careers which can be affected by time off, however in my current job I earn 3 times as much as my partner.

We decided for economic and various other complicated reasons that I would go back to work after my paid maternity leave finished, and my partner would take the following 6-9 months unpaid leave. So far so good, I love my job, it's very rewarding, and I think is helping me to recover from post natal depression/anxiety.

My problem comes with our finances. Before my partner went on leave, we discussed our outgoings, and agreed a figure for all of his costs, plus 'buffer'. He also gets all of the agreed food budget. For reference, this is equivalent to £1500 a month (£1000 of 'his' money - mostly pre-relationship debts - and £500 a month for food).

For the last 3 months, an average of £1500 extra a month has been taken out of the savings account to pay his credit card. He says this is 'living expenses' which seems to include any coffees, house items or extras that he doesn't deem as being directly related to him. I feel very uncomfortable about this, as I thought our agreed budget covered these extras, as when I buy them, I take them out of 'my' money (budgeted at £1000 a month).

I am in the fortunate position of having none of my own debts to pay, so the budget was agreed to be strictly equitable, however I rarely spend it, and any leftovers are put into the joint savings account. In addition, I tend to arrange a pre-planned food delivery service for myself, which I pay for out of my own budget, not the family food money. He is usually only buying for himself and our baby.

When I try to discuss this matter, my partner gets very defensive, and we can end up arguing. I don't believe he's hiding or taking extra money, as I have access to all of his accounts, however it's the general attitude towards addressing my concerns I can't understand. We are trying to invest as much as we can, so we can ultimately have a choice about what jobs we take, but I end up feeling my partner is spending to 'compensate' for taking time off work.

So as not to drip feed, when we initially set up home together, I paid off roughly £30000 of his debt from my own savings, to allow us to get an investment mortgage, which he wants to decrease at £1000 per month he's not working, in addition to his other outgoings. I am also funding a nanny and the cost of various courses for him to be able to alter his career, and likely allow him to remain close to home once his parental leave ends (the alternative could be him working 1500 miles away), which will work out to around £10000.

Is this unreasonable? Am I being fair in expressing concern about the level of spending? Or do I have to accept that this is just the level of expense associated with supporting a family of two adults and one child?

Stop paying for him to laugh at you then go it alone with your baby as you won't see him for dust once his free money has stopped. Sorry.

I'd stop his access to the savings, put my wages in my own account and only put money for food and other house expenses he pays, plus his spends of £1000 (I think you said) into the hose account for him to use.
If he can't buy enough for him and the baby on that he's either got a gambling habit or drugs, or something else that he isn't sharing info on.
Then wait for him to leave to go on his course (two or three months?) once the nanny is in place, change the locks and kick his ass to the curb.
You are his meal ticket and he knows it. He's not a great father if he puts the mother of his child in such a mess over blowing all the savings.

You need to have a sensible budget for spending that is agreed. HE is spending hundreds of pounds a week and not looking for work. Morals aside it's not sensible or sustainable.

Do you carry guilt about having a lot of money ?

You seem to be bizarrely reluctant to do normal levels of budgeting. I suspect you feel guilty that you are well off. You need to deal with thst guilt because it's worse to be wasteful !

This seems to be a total double standard. The world according to Mumsnet...If a woman wants to stay at home and look after her child, this is great. She shouldn't be expected to do the chores because her job is looking after the child, and she can get a nanny if she wants to have a break because looking after a child is much more tiring than working. She of course has access to all the family money and can spend what she likes, and she's entitled to be maintained if the couple split up, because she has been so selfless and sacrificed her career to support her man.

If a man gives up work to look after the child, he's a lazy cocklodger who's taking the piss.

I really don't understand these views.

Ultimately, you either have to insist you have a say in where the money he's spending from savings goes, or you don't, and accept he'll spend on what he wants. There's no middle ground with this guy. He's shown that he won't save you having to make this decision by spending within his agreed budget.

I don't think trying to gently sit down and discuss it is the way to go because he knows you'll stop pushing it if he gets angry. Maybe start by firmly saying that the system you agreed is not working for you and you want to come up with another one. And in this case I think you do need to look at one of the statements as an example.

You probably don't understand because you fail to realise MN isn't a hive mind harshbuttrue. A basic point, but one that a surprising number of people have trouble with.

Meanwhile, can you show us all the threads where female SAHPs are spending £1500 a month on personal costs, while the household still has debt high enough to warrant paying off at 1k a month and will soon need to fund one parent retraining, where nobody has suggested the spending might be problematic?

If a woman posted "I'm a SAHM and I have a monthly spending budget because my husband and I are trying to save and invest as much as we can, but I'm bored not working and spending £1500 over budget on a designer handbag every month. I say I can because it's family money. AIBU?" you wouldn't get a unanimous response that she should spend at will.

I'd suggest that the two of you sit down together and look at what the extra £1500 p/m consists of, and agree whether it's reasonable or what needs to change if not. It sounds very, very high to me - enough that I'd be worried he had a gambling/drug/other issue.

It's hard to know whether he's playing you for a fool or not, from the info you've given, but at the very least there's a very clear mismatch here in your attitudes to money.

FWIW I know a couple similar to this - she is a very senior medical type on £25k+ a month, he used to be an accountant but since they've been together he has variously been a filmmaker, web designer, spinning instructor and student, all of which has come to nought. They have a live-in nanny so he can "work", with her funding his expensive vanity projects. It looks massively lopsided from the outside, but if they're happy, and DC are happy, that's all that matters.

Wait for the credit card details
Go through them
Ask him what he's doing to improve his chances of work and what courses he's planned.

Meanwhile make sure your salary is going in to a separate account and that you are paying the mortgage from it.

Keep all bills. Take advice from a solicitor - could if push come to shove, he take DC from you? Could he take half your house?
He may be a fine man and father but you coming home to find him on the internet? is DC asleep and food waiting for you on occasion?
Wouldn't expect a SAHM to do everything with a 9 month old but would expect a bit of an effort, especially with £500 pcm for food when you've already paid for previous Ocado. So the same for a SAHD.

I think it would be absolutely reasonable to go through the credit card statement together. In our household we have quite a high amount of disposable income, but anything over about £200 we discuss before spending as it's considered 'capital expenditure'. All our money goes into a joint pot and joint savings, but we have been married for 30 years, so there's a great deal of trust.

Millie: Obviously the SAHP should do more in the house, but what is wrong with being on the internet? Why should the baby be asleep and there be food on the table? This is sounding a bit like a 1950's parody.

I wouldn't do what you are doing.

Worst case scenario, what happens if you split up? What if you suffer ill health? What if you are made redundant?

Will you regret paying off his debts then? Will you have enough to survive on your own or as a single parent?

No one likes to consider the worst possible eventualities but I divorced and was made redundant in the same year then the court ordered I had to sell the family home and exh doesn't work (similar mindset to your p) and I get £6 pw from his benefits in child maintenance.

He became a SAHP also as he was supposed to be studying. he isn't.
Op is paying for a Nanny on top. he still isn't studying.
She has avoided saying where these debts came from. so the mind goes riot. if it's gambling, he hasn't stopped IMHO.
Going through credit cards will not tell you what cash back he is filtering off.
He may be just a bumbling cocklodger. but the title here is "feeling uncomfortable about finances".
OP your spidey senses are tingling.

I'm sat reading this with my jaw on the floor! I'm very much of the 'family money' mindset, me and DH have always had joint current and savings accounts. There's been times I've earned much more than him and vice versa. However if when I met him he paid of £30k of my debt, then I overspent by £1500 a month on top of the £1500 I already had to spend, oh and then just 'helped myself' to £7k to pay off my car loan, I would seriously be taking the piss!!! I would at least discuss it first. It sounds like he knows he's onto a good thing and is just fleecing you!
The trouble is when you know someone has a lot more money than you, a lot of people have the 'well they're not skint, they don't need all that' mindset. A friend is a very wealthy pro footballer and the amount of 'friends' and family that he's leant substantial amounts of money to and they've never repaid a penny (because he doesn't need it) is astonishing. I think this is why your partner thinks.
I would get a nanny, let him return to work and just have 1 separate joint account you both pay into for house hold expenses.

You gave 40k to someone you've known for two years?!

Let me introduce you to my friend, he's a Prince in Nigeria...

I'd be very suprised if anyone can find one sahm on mn who's been bailed out of pre-relationship debts of 40k because she likes nice things.

Trifle - I'm the SAHP in our marriage. DH doesn't know how to cook, beyond heating soup, making cheese on toast, or throwing a pizza or ready meal in the microwave. It's not role model behaviour, though the norm in my experience, but it's the small price I pay for the huge freedom of not working. I'm not supplied with a generous full time income in exchange for my domestic duties like the OP's husband, so yes, I do believe he should be ordering the ingredients and cooking her evening meals during the working week, ideally to be eaten as a family meal. Same if the genders were reversed.

Embletoni: That just made me feel a little bit sad.

harshbuttrue you are an individual yes?

As is everyone who posted on MN. There is no one "MN view".

Why do people who suggest that seem to exclude themselves from "The MN view" as if they're special

OP your partner is taking the piss.

Initially the plan was to have him ready to change jobs by 5 months into his leave, but now (even with full time nanny and residential study courses) he's estimating another 5 months!

Why would he be in any rush to go back to work when he can live the life of riley at your expense? In fact, you paying him his previous wage isn't enough - he spends even more.
If he was serious about having his own 'independence' and didn't like spending your money then he would have spoken up when you paid all his debts off...funnily he didn't feel emasculated or demeaned by that!

He's doing a number on you - he knows you're loaded, knows your fears and so he knows how to play you.

He doesn't want to stick to a budget...with his debts paid off for him what is he spending the £1500 a month on?

He's not serious about going back to work or he wouldn't be delaying it.

What happens if you split? Do you get back any of the money you've spent on his debts and training?
Has he been paying 50% into the savings or do you pay a larger % based on your higher salary?

You're putting all you eggs in one basket just because you've had a baby with him.
You're spending all your money on him AND he's spending more from savings than he's contributed.
What happens if you lose your job tomooorw, have an accident etc and you no longer have any/the same earning capacity?

What security have you got guaranteed for you and you dc in terms of finances should the worst happen?

I think you're choosing to ignore some red flags because you want your dc to have the perfect/ideal childhood and are afraid of doing it all on your own.

I think it's more a case of more people having experienced the negative side side of the situation the OP is describing.
We're not automatons that reply with standard phrases.

This is a classic case of the resentment that happens when a saver and a spender get together.

Why cant he work and clear his debt?

You are paying him to be a Dad because you feel guilty the child was unplanned...and he is taking you for a ride. This won't end well.

I sympathise...I was fool enough to pay off my ex husbands debts as I didn't want him paying all that interest...when it was time to buy a family home as a single parent and I had to compromise on what I could afford, because he refused to pay back the money he had "borrowed" from me, I regretted it.

If you weren't paying him generously to be a SAHP, how good a Dad would he be then?

YANBU.

You have been too kind. A baby is not a paycheck and doesn't warrant the kind of money he has been spending. Ask yourself if you would be happy to do the same to him.

I think you should be very careful. He is spending a lot more than you or anyone would consider reasonable from your 'family money' but won't say what on, it's not just coffees and stuff for the house is it? You've paid off a lot of debt for him, yet he dodges your questions about his spending? The debt and avoidance tactics are big red flags.
Please don't feel guilty about your dc being an 'accident', nor about the fact that you earn more and have savings so you can help your dp out. The debts were/are his problem. Just because you can pay them or give him cash doesn't mean you should.