To be really upset by DD's comments this morning?

[MrsStinkey]

DD1 is 5 and I love her to bits. She's, like most children, very honest and has a bit of a habit for saying things she thinks which would possibly hurt someone else's feelings. I've had chats with her about different things she's said and explain why that might not be a nice thing to say to someone or a nice question to ask them. Anyway. This morning she asked me "Mummy when are you going to get fit?" I asked her what she meant by that and she answered "When are you going to be like a fit girl with a fit girl tummy and that?" I asked her then if she didn't think I was fit already to which she replied "No because of your big wobbly tummy and that. Fit girls don't have wobbly tummies." Now I'm petite at 5ft2" but I'm only a size 8 and I do 4 spin classes a week, at least 1 weight session for an hour a week and a 4 mile buggy walk at least every other week with a local mum group. I do have a wobbly tummy. I have loose skin from carrying 2, for me, decent sized babies and a c-section that kept DD1 alive! I have explained bits to DD1 before about my tummy but she brings it up now and then anyway. Thing is it's a huge thing to me and I've been trying my hardest for 5 years to come to terms with that's how it'll always look and I can't change things now. I've suffered various forms of disordered eating my whole life and was borderline anorexic for a long time after DD1 was born because of my tummy. I've done a good job of sorting it all in my head the past few years and I really feel like today has taken me back to square 1 with it all. I absolutely hate myself. Children don't lie. It's not something she'd ever hear me talk about either as I swore my girls would never suffer with their bodies the way I have most of my life. We have a very healthy attitude towards weight and eating in my house and it's something that never gets mentioned. So it's all off her own back. I spoke to DH who made it sound like I was being silly and shouldn't listen to her, she's only 5 after all, and was making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Sorry for the long post just don't want to drip feed and not include important facts.

I'm sure you know this but your DH was right.

My dd told me the other day she didn't like my moles on my face. She also doesn't like my smell in the mornings or after I've had tea or coffee. She has told me that I have a big bottom (size 8 but it looks big to her I suppose ).

I shrug these things off but every now and then they do hurt. I don't react to DD but do remind her and DS that commenting on people's appearances can hurt their feelings

As an aside I'd love to get rid of my flabby stomach. It's loose from pregnancy but drives me nuts (I run and do kettlebell exercises).

The only thing the OP needs to change is her mindset. She needs to stop thinking about weight and stomachs and stop judging everyone by their weight/size. I also cringed at the description of her dd as 'slim and petite' - that is the kind of language you apply to an adult woman (slim = thin but in a good way, ditto petite = small but in a good way). It seems weird to be judging kids' weight/size at all, as good or anything. they're also both quite feminised adjectives - you'd never refer to a boy like this, and almost seems to be putting the dd in a category of 'attractive female' which is a bit weird for a 5-year-old . I've never heard kids of that age called anything other than neutral adjectives eg 'short', 'little', 'thin' or maybe 'skinny' if they're very thin, which could all be applied to boys as well. How can a 5-year-old be 'petite', anyway? They're little because they're 5!

I do hope you get some support, OP. There's nothing wrong with your fitness or appearance at all, but your confidence needs help. It's not necessary to worry about what other people think of your appearance all the time. Just enjoy being in your own skin.

Thought blu's post above was spot on.

I feel very uncomfortable by the OP tbh. When did 5 year olds start thinking about being fit or being wobbly? What sort of World are our children being brought up in? Let's let children be children eh? No 5 year old should think of a "perfect" body image. That's completely out of my comprehension!

I've not read the whole thread, but two things occur to me.

First, the phrase " fit girl " doesn't sound like it comes from a five year old, maybe it's how kids at school have been talking? And therefore less about you than is just in her consciousness.

And second ( I'm sure you've done this) talking to her about personal remarks. I told my ( very forward) daughter that is Just not OK to say things about how people look. We talked about complements, and how if you love someone dress it's ok to say so, but bodies, and their variations, and specifically your opinions about it are totally off limits, at all times.
Sorry u feel bad about yourself, none of the external shit matters, it's all just a marketng tool, and keeps women ( in particular) from never getting to grips with life , as we c are all so busy thinking we are not good enough.
You are good enough. You love your kids, you sound like you think and feel deeply about things. You are good enough.

advise Thank you! Couldn't have said it better myself. I honestly can't believe you've never heard of a child described as slim or petite before though, it really isn't that rare where I'm from! The term "skinny" to me would be worse as i think it makes you sound like you're overly thin. I don't know. Different people/places different sayings I suppose. It wouldn't have any sort of grown up connotations at all to me. We'd describe a toddler as petite. Like a lot of people said about my DD1 when she was a toddler "she's petite like you" meaning she had a small build like me. I would also never judge a child by their appearance or weight or anyone else.
Ohyes this has definitely came from either school or random cartoons that she watches. She also regularly uses the phrase "cool girl". Thank you for your kind words though.
Fluffy all this talk started when she started school, she's p2 now, it's terrifying the rate they pick this stuff up and it's encouraged in part by the school banging on about nutrition in a very outdated way.
I love the website that's been recommended as well. Had a quick look earlier but will have a better scan tomorrow and will keep it saved for when I feel a bit rubbish!

I'd have a chat with DD, maybe at bath time? Point out that being fit and healthy doesn't mean being a skinny Minnie. I'd also chat to her about your wonderful tummy and how it had her and her sister inside as babies and how amazing your body is!

And, do you know the best thing about a lovely tummy....? Blowing raspberries on them! Should be a nice lighthearted way to finish.

I can remember DS coming home from school with the "has this got fat in" chant. I don't miss it!

Sorry you're struggling with these feelings. It must be hard if you're particularly doing your best to be fit and have struggled with eating and body issues in the past. But your head knows that the view that having a bit of loose skin on your tummy after childbirth is unattractive is misogynistic and completely wrong. As other people have said, this obsession with body image in very young children is very unhealthy, and we need to combat it for our daughters' sake by being good role model as who show them that we are confident in our own skin just the way we are and that they don't have to live up to media ideals. Please remind yourself how amazing and strong your body is, having created and given birth To children and still going strong. Don't take your daughters comments personally, but talkie that there an reflection of an unhealthy attitude to women's bodies that she encounters in the media and perhaps from other children at school.

I know how hard this can be as I have previously had an eating disorder, but after a while I understood that my feelings about my body were all rooted in other mental issues and insecurities, and that trying to control my eating and body was just the outlet for my need for control in some chaotic situations and a response to me not feeling good enough generally. Paradoxically, putting on weight during pregnancy and keeping a lot of it on after really helped me, as I now see
My body as strong and capable and worry
Only if it's healthy, not if its thin or 'beautiful' according to twisted standards. I am sure you are a gorgeous woman, try to remind yourself that and focus on giving your daughter a healthy relationship to her body.

Also, once you've had an eating disorder you'll always in some way have this issue. It's like a one time alcoholic always has to be careful around alcohol. In the kindest possible way, really don't want to offend or hurt you, but to me it sounds like you're still struggling with body issues and that dealing with them, however you find that is best done (therapy, thinking about it on your own, even cutting down your exercise regime, asking yourself what areas of your life makes you feel stressed and working on them rather Than your body) may help you. Please realise that how you feel about your body is all in your head, not much to do with how your body looks in actual fact. The most important thing is being happy.

My middle child has always referred to my 'squashy arms' as he feels that they are soft and cuddly.

I wish I was doing as much exercise as you! You're doing amazingly. Keep it up and feel good about yourself!!
My nieces ask me why my hair is grey at the roots, why I have a spot on my face and what are those creases around my eyes... meh, kids honesty is brutal at times but do try to laugh it off. Keep up the great exercise regime!

Before criticising me, have you even tried? A solid hard core 12 months? Have you honestly?

Well lets see, after my 2nd c-section I had a 5 inch gap in my abdominal muscles. So I did specifically designed core routines to close it, plus cardio and general weight lifting as long as it didn't affect the muscles. an hour a day, 5 days a week. I've been doing them for about 2 years now, and I've gone from a 5 inch gap to about 1 inch. That seems to be where it wants to stop. I still have the overhang. I have a strong core, but you can't exercise away loose skin. Don't be ridiculous.

I think it is sad that one remark from a 5 year old child can cause so much in depth analysis.
Kids say stuff like this all the time without people getting so wound up.

Try working in a nursery! You get 30 little feckers coming up to you and pointing out your flaws

My favourites were 'miss why do you have loads of spots?' And wow you have a big nose. Crushes your bloody spirit

Maui "Having a child doesn't mean you have to put up with a different body." I totally agree with you on this. I think you are trying to be helpful here, obviously you know a lot about fitness, it's just that some people with body issues aren't in a place where they can take advice, even it it's true/factually correct/useful. That's no reflection on them (or you, for trying to be helpful).

I struggled a lot with weight issues after the birth of my children. I did get my body back, as it were, but there was a time when it seemed widely accepted that my trim days were over and it was all downhill from thereon. I felt written off, body-wise, to myself and others. My MIL (sorry not trying to MIL bash) said things to me like "oh look at X over there, that dress fits her like a glove, we can but dream eh, Jenny?" and "It's all smocks for us from now on, isn't it" when talking about nice clothes. She might have been trying to be jokey but in my head I was a fat frump and would be forever more.

I eventually lost all the weight and went back to being as slim as I was before. I would never have thought it possible but it is possible, even after children and C-sections. Just in case anyone is reading who also feels like they could never be their pre-preg size ever again... you can, if you want.