To be really upset by DD's comments this morning?

[MrsStinkey]

DD1 is 5 and I love her to bits. She's, like most children, very honest and has a bit of a habit for saying things she thinks which would possibly hurt someone else's feelings. I've had chats with her about different things she's said and explain why that might not be a nice thing to say to someone or a nice question to ask them. Anyway. This morning she asked me "Mummy when are you going to get fit?" I asked her what she meant by that and she answered "When are you going to be like a fit girl with a fit girl tummy and that?" I asked her then if she didn't think I was fit already to which she replied "No because of your big wobbly tummy and that. Fit girls don't have wobbly tummies." Now I'm petite at 5ft2" but I'm only a size 8 and I do 4 spin classes a week, at least 1 weight session for an hour a week and a 4 mile buggy walk at least every other week with a local mum group. I do have a wobbly tummy. I have loose skin from carrying 2, for me, decent sized babies and a c-section that kept DD1 alive! I have explained bits to DD1 before about my tummy but she brings it up now and then anyway. Thing is it's a huge thing to me and I've been trying my hardest for 5 years to come to terms with that's how it'll always look and I can't change things now. I've suffered various forms of disordered eating my whole life and was borderline anorexic for a long time after DD1 was born because of my tummy. I've done a good job of sorting it all in my head the past few years and I really feel like today has taken me back to square 1 with it all. I absolutely hate myself. Children don't lie. It's not something she'd ever hear me talk about either as I swore my girls would never suffer with their bodies the way I have most of my life. We have a very healthy attitude towards weight and eating in my house and it's something that never gets mentioned. So it's all off her own back. I spoke to DH who made it sound like I was being silly and shouldn't listen to her, she's only 5 after all, and was making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Sorry for the long post just don't want to drip feed and not include important facts.

I'm the same height and a size 6/8 and but still have a wobbly belly from having 2 c-sections. My DCs often tell me I have a big tummy and we sometimes have competitions to see who can make the their tummy the biggest or suck it in the most. It's all a bit of fun and I don't take it seriously and neither do they. I have told them that my tummy is like that after having babies (although I did have a bit of a belly even before that!). They don't mean it maliciously.

I am definitely angry as previous posters have said. This all started when she went to primary school last year. They absolutely ram into their heads what's "healthy" and "unhealthy" including fats in food. If DD1 asks me one more time "is there fat in this?" I'm going to scream. Have had to explain to her so many times that all fats not bad, sugar free isn't always best etc. It's so sad that even though we're trying to educate her and allow her to grow up with a healthy body image and attitude to food there's so much out there to warp their minds. On the fitness aspect I could run rings round her as well! She's the laziest little girl I've ever came across 😂. She is, of course, super slim and petite and can eat whatever she likes. It just really got to me today and I think DH kind of disregarding it as me being silly didn't help. I've never had any help for my disordered eating although it's under control now. Have been to gps numerous times begging for a referral to a surgeon for a tummy tuck but was basically laughed out the door and went i found another more understanding GP that did refer me the surgeons refused to see me. Fair enough, I'm sure there's a lot more important surgeries do be done. Don't think anybody understands how mentally cruel it can be though. Working your backside off to be the best you can be fitness wise and looking like you've never bothered because you have to tuck your tummy into your trousers. I'm going to start having little chats with DD about fitness and appearance and, even though I have and do each time she says something, I'll need to go back over thinking through the things we're going to say and asking ourselves if it'll hurt anyone's feelings. The joys.

My DDs class (nearly 5) just have a visit from an Olympian. He took them through some circuit training. She came home from school and informed me it was about time I got fit and active so I would be all nice and straight (?). I am a size 8 and work out 5 days a week!

Don't let this feed your insecurities. A small child is not a good judge of size or fitness level!

. She is, of course, super slim and petite and can eat whatever she likes>On the fitness aspect I could run rings round her as well! She's the laziest little girl I've ever came across

She has inadvertently touched on a sensitive issue for you, but she doesn't mean it. She has just equated fit = washboard stomach and so anyone (99% of the population) who doesn't have one isn't "fit".

I would explain that fitness is not measured by having a tummy that looks fit. It's about your insides, your heart and lungs and things that you can't see. You can look fit on the outside without being fit on the inside, etc.

I would also gently say that it can be rude to comment on people's appearance directly. So if she said "If you don't have a fit tummy, does that mean you are not fit?" that would be fine as she has talked about the issue but not made it personal to anyone. (A hard lesson to take in at 5 but it's an example for her to think about, sooner or later she will need to frame her comments).

Don't take it to heart though x

It's normal to feel hurt my DS 8 said I had a horrible body but a lovely face and thought it was a compliment I've only had a baby 7 months and a size 12 at present. I explained you don't judge people like and the reason why my body is the way it is, is because it played host to three babies

I was singing 'summer time' at my daughters' request at bedtime last week. When it got to the bit about 'your daddy's rich, and your mama's good looking' my 5yr old asked what 'good looking' ment, and burst out laughing with the absurdity of such a suggestion. The worst thing was, she's actually the more thoughtful of my two. Her 8yr old sister (who often has the tact of a brick through the window) kindly proclaimed me to be 'the most beautiful mummy in the world'. I laughed it off, and told her that I was happy with how I look (which is mostly true) but I can't say it didn't smart a tiny bit. She had no issue with the daddy's rich bit despite the fact that he is only just back in work after being made redundant 2 years ago

I agree with Jassy's approach. Stress that a healthy body does not have to be flawless, and our squashy stomachs and baggy boobs are due to our bodies going through the amazing process that made them. Its so important to get our girls to see health in the function rather than the form if you know what I mean. My tiny older daughter came back from school talking about having fat legs in year one (certainly something she has never heard at home as my husband and I are built like spiders), thankfully she got over it. We also did some looking (and laughing) at before and after photoshopped pictures after she mentioned a model in a makeup advert looked like a 'weird alien'.

Painful, but try and see it as a teaching moment.

Yes. Thing is, she doesn't know you have an eating disorder that you have under control. It's like my Ds telling me why is my nose all wonky. He doesn't know I hate my nose, he is pointing it out because that's how he sees it. Now your tummy will never ever be like it was pre children, nobody is exactly the same as before. Really, no one. So YOU MUST accept yourself like everyone else has. Nobody except you gives a shit about your tummy, or your nose, or whether you cleaned your windows recently, or what you had for breakfast. We forget this because we are always with ourselves! But it is so so liberating to realise everyone is wrapped up in their own little grievances in their head and really these things are just NOTHING!!! Don't let this comment play on your mind. Think what a good job you have done that he can comment on this and not know anything about your body struggles. That's fantastic!!

I would be upset, for different reasons. A five year old shouldn't have a concept of 'fitness' being about washboard abs. She should be thinking of fitness as health, wellbeing, power and happiness. I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of where she got that idea from, and trying to correct it with images of very differently shaped fit women from Paula Radcliffe to some of those incredibly strong female shotputters like Astrid Kumbermuss. Clearly some negative messaging has started to creep in - unsurprisingly as it's all around us all the time - but important to head off the cycle now by teaching her that power can look like many different things!

I feel bad for you as well OP. It's hard having had eating problems, and i know that it's all too easy to be very sensitive to any trigger. You sound like you're potentially quite vulnerable still - maybe it's worth having some counselling just to shore up your recovery?

Also we're pretty crunchy, and cook everything from scratch, but I refuse to talk about 'healthy food' at home. We refer to it as 'good food' and to junk food as 'occasional food'. The whole virtue labeling of healthy food (and bad food as 'treats') can be rather counterproductive I think.

Bluntness meant in a jokey way. As I've stressed before we always make sure that the emphasis in our house is on anything other than looks, weight or appearance. DD1 is slim and petite and she is lazy, can hardly walk the length of herself! She's always been that way.
There will be conversations had after school. I didn't comment on what she'd said this morning as I was too upset, I would usually, but we'll talk this afternoon. Thanks everyone. Just hit a nerve today.

Please try to remember she's only five, don't make this a big thing, most five year olds are slim and petite. Well because they are five. She isn't lazy she's just small, the nerve is yours, please don't make it hers. Not at five.

Please try to pull back from where you're going with this, especially since you're going there with a very small child.

YABU. It's a sensitive issue for YOU. She's 5.

She doesn't yet have the immense baggage so many women seem to have about their bodies. Please don't transfer it to her.

I have a tummy (5ft 1, size 10). I always have, nd obv it's worse since having 3 dc. My stick-thin dses have occasionally made similar comments. So what? I'm so much more than my tummy.

You may think this is easily said but I too have been borderline anorexic. I now have a healthy relationship with food and my size. It is possible.

I think YABU to blame your daughter's comment for how you feel.
At 5 she is commenting on what she sees and using what knowledge she has picked up about what she sees.
You can explain to her that sometimes a person can feel hurt by a personal comment and why.
I feel for you regarding the issues you have described but you are talking about your little girl as if she is deliberately being horrible to you. She is sharing what she has learned about healthy eating and you are arguing?
Seek help for your own issues 're feeling bad about your tummy.
I have a horribly loose and baggy tummy myself and have had to learn to accept it. I hate it but there is more to me than my tummy.

Have to agree with a couple of the above posts, for me the issue is not at all what she said to you, it's about her clearly warped perceptions of body image at 5 years old. She sounds v confused, as if she thinks fitness means how you look. Wondering whether she has heard the term 'fit' used to mean attractive as well as sporty fit and has got confused?

I'm sorry the conversation was so triggering for you, but I think it is very important to seperate your own thoughts about your body with what is going on here, if possible.

My 7 year old DS said to me the other day; 'Have you ever eaten crocodile mummy?'I replied and said yes indeed I had eaten crocodile. He then asked; 'Is that why your tummy is so big?'

I plan to get over it in about a year.

Seriously though I had a chat with him about body shapes and about everyone is different. His dad is long and lean. I hope he takes after that, and not me, but even if he does, well that's okay.

Oh, and I'm horrified to hear how much food anxiety she's picked up from school! I co-run a Rainbow unit and it genuinely breaks my heart when I hear 5 year olds say 'I can't eat cheese it's fattening.'

I haven't read all sorry so someone may have said it but maybe some of your insecurity has come across to her somehow?

Growing up I dstinctly remember thinking my mum was fat because she used to say things to imply she was. Now looking at her and at photos then I know she definitely wasn't, she just thought she was.

Oh... and I have a real hatred of having my photo taken. I have had bulimia most of my life and am currently a size 18, my heaviest yet.

DS (the same crocodile-commenting DS) took my photo the other day and when I protested said; 'But mummy, you are beautiful. I want a photo of you'.

The hangups are ours, really.

I honestly wouldn't discuss this with her any more.

I'd be upset that she said those things, but only because she noticed, not because they were unkind comments. At five, any such comments should be one line throwaway ones, not the subject of an entire conversation - it's not a healthy topic for girls of her age. It's great that you inadvertently didn't even acknowledge what she said or let on that you were upset; well done!

if you know that objectively you aren't big/fat then you need to take this as something kids say and have a conversation about not being rude to your DD. At 5 she's old enough to be told that kindness in what you say and do is important and that grown ups can be upset by them too.

I'd leave the marxist feminist analysis until at least age 7... :D

yetanother I totally agree. I would be more worried about your dd's perception of body image tbh.

I think you might want to think about your response more than her comments. If you have mentioned before that having babies made your tummy wobble, that might have been where she got it from. Id be tempted to say that you are fit and healthy and you love your tummy just the way it is. Promote a positive selfesteem by helping your dd to realise that you are awesome just the way you are. Im almost 31 weeks pregnant and my dd kept telling my my tummy was getting fat. I told her that my tummy growing means the baby is growing well and instead of saying im getting fat she should tell me how well the baby is growing. Now she rubs my tummy and says 'the baby is growing beautifully mummy' and we share a cuddle. Its normal for our tummies to come in different shapes and sizes. Teach your dd that - challenge her perception of what a 'fit' person looks like. It isnt easy - I am a recovered bulimic. I love my body warts and all - I am a size 10 on the top, 12 on the bottom with a size 8 waist normally. Totally out of proportion but I look great in a corset or fit and flare dress. Focus on the bits of you that you like and celebrate yourself and your daughters will do the same.