To be really upset by DD's comments this morning?

[MrsStinkey]

DD1 is 5 and I love her to bits. She's, like most children, very honest and has a bit of a habit for saying things she thinks which would possibly hurt someone else's feelings. I've had chats with her about different things she's said and explain why that might not be a nice thing to say to someone or a nice question to ask them. Anyway. This morning she asked me "Mummy when are you going to get fit?" I asked her what she meant by that and she answered "When are you going to be like a fit girl with a fit girl tummy and that?" I asked her then if she didn't think I was fit already to which she replied "No because of your big wobbly tummy and that. Fit girls don't have wobbly tummies." Now I'm petite at 5ft2" but I'm only a size 8 and I do 4 spin classes a week, at least 1 weight session for an hour a week and a 4 mile buggy walk at least every other week with a local mum group. I do have a wobbly tummy. I have loose skin from carrying 2, for me, decent sized babies and a c-section that kept DD1 alive! I have explained bits to DD1 before about my tummy but she brings it up now and then anyway. Thing is it's a huge thing to me and I've been trying my hardest for 5 years to come to terms with that's how it'll always look and I can't change things now. I've suffered various forms of disordered eating my whole life and was borderline anorexic for a long time after DD1 was born because of my tummy. I've done a good job of sorting it all in my head the past few years and I really feel like today has taken me back to square 1 with it all. I absolutely hate myself. Children don't lie. It's not something she'd ever hear me talk about either as I swore my girls would never suffer with their bodies the way I have most of my life. We have a very healthy attitude towards weight and eating in my house and it's something that never gets mentioned. So it's all off her own back. I spoke to DH who made it sound like I was being silly and shouldn't listen to her, she's only 5 after all, and was making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Sorry for the long post just don't want to drip feed and not include important facts.

True, not exercise alone. Exercise AND diet will. Proven so many times, without even plastic surgery. Hard work however.

Oh please! Do prove it to me many times!

MauiWest you are not being helpful towards the OP at all. She has mentioned mental health issues which she has struggled with and it seems to me your posts are intended to make her feel bad about herself, which she doesn't deserve. If you don't have anything positive to say, say nothing. The OP clearly exercises enough as it is, why make her feel as if she isn't making enough of an effort. It is not helpful at all. Glad you are feeling better after reading the majority of the replies OP. It is hard being a mother to a girl after having suffered body dismorphia and other mental health issue

It sounds like your dd's comments really hit a raw nerve, and I sympathise with that. You're right that children don't lie, so remember that next time she tells you that you're beautiful or the best mum in the world!

I would like to gently say that, from the information given in your posts, your family don't seem to have a very balanced approach to exercise. You clearly are super fit and work hard to stay that way, while you say that you pick your dd up by car from school. How much exercise does she get? Why does she think that you should get fit and not her?

I don't think that people saying that you're 'deluded' is helpful - it's just making you defensive, but I do wonder how honest you are able to be with yourself about your ED being over? Those anorexic thought processes are pernicious, hard to get rid of and hard to keep separate from every aspect of your life. Your close shave with anorexia was only a few years ago from what you've said, during a period in your life when you're had children rather than yourself to focus on.

All the best OP.

MauiWest - stop already with blaming the OP for the fact her stomach is not 100S% flat or coming out with comments about needing a totally flat stomach to wear a bikini!

Anyone can wear a bikini, whatever their stomach looks like. Have you never been to the beach? If anyone doesn't like how a woman's stomach/thighs/bum etc look like in a bikini, they can look away!

The OP is clearly very, very fit. But equally obviously still very lacking in confidence about her size and shape. There is no need whatsoever for her to lose any weight, shift weight around or anything else. For any reason, including wearing a bikini.

OP, you just need to explain to your dd that a 'fit' stomach is not at all the same as a 'flat' stomach, and maybe ask her where she got that idea from. Point out that most women who have had babies no longer have flat stomachs, and that's entirely natural, but many of them are super-fit (like you). Show her how strong you are and how cool that is - can you hold with one arm/twirl her round etc?

It's not necessary to tell her off because she didn't mean to be rude. It is necessary to disentangle in her mind fitness and fatness, because if she thinks that having any lumps and bumps means you're automatically not fit (and did she mean fit as in healthy or fit as in attractive? - even worse) then she's likely to end up with an eating disorder herself.

I have photos in front of me of women who transformed themselves with exercise. I wish I could put them here, but it would be a total invasion of their privacy, and I know that they have not had any surgery done. That would take time to heal. Don't get me wrong, it's not a quick process, but give yourself 12 months, and you'll see the difference with the right exercise.

Nsmum14
I am not trying to make anyone feel bad, I am hoping (naively ) that the OP will recognise that she obviously still has a problem, and worst: will create one for her daughters! Telling lies is not helpful. She clearly does not exercise enough, or the right way if she can't get rid of her tummy. Telling women that a brisk walk or cleaning a house is enough exercise is not helping anyone, it simply is not true! It's patronizing and unhelpful. Research the fitness regime of an athlete, such as Jessica Ennis for example. You might choose not to exercise at the very least an hour a day, but it's a choice. Pretending that you get the same results by strolling to school is wrong. You demoralise women who believe they are doing the right thing.

• I am not BLAMING anyone about flat (or non flat) stomach, I don't care. I do care however for women who are feeling terrible and made to believe that feeling flabby is a curse and normal after having children. It's not true, you don't have to accept it, you don't have to feel bad. If you don't give a monkey, even better, but in so many cases, women care and they suffer. That bothers me. Having a child doesn't mean you have to put up with a different body.

I think you are being a bit U although maybe not surprising given your body dysmorphia. When DD was about 3 (2nd child, both c sections) I was getting out the bath and she said (or rather sang) "big fat belly, wee tiny boobs" whilst poking them simultaneously. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

your stomach will look wobbly to a child. Any adults, even supermodels, would compared to a childs and they dont understand why that is.
I remember looking at my mums stomach once when i was in a changing room with her (i mustve been very young) and asking her why there was so much skin.
Now im older i would kill to look like my mother at her age! Shes beautiful and has always been a size 6/8. I just didnt understand what all that skin was when i was a child because i didnt understand how womens bodies change and grow. Now ive had a baby myself i can see how amazing my mums body actually was. It looked far better than mine does now!

mauiwest I'm not sure who's body dysmorphia is worse? You or the Op's...oh except it's you for talking rubbish about how an hour of exercise a day will get rid of a c-section overhang. 🙄

Ah, she found a good way to get a reaction, eh. This is about her learning though, you sound steady enough not to let it set you back. A good chance to tell her that grown up women come in different shapes and sizes but do generally have tummies and hips and thighs - and look like the people around her, like you, her teachers etc, and not like the people on instagram.

Why the hell do you think I have body dysmorphia? Did I make any comment about my own body (who had more than one c-section I might add). Did I tell you how many hours a day I exercise?

One hour of specific exercises a day, 7 days a week for 12 months will make a huge difference, it's better than nothing with the right diet.
Walking doesn't count, doing sit ups on your bed doesn't count. It doesn't mean you can't also cycle, swim, run, dance.

Before criticising me, have you even tried? A solid hard core 12 months? Have you honestly?

Worra she is active just by nature she's not one to seek out extra activity IYSWIM. She walks to school most mornings as they have a walking scheme here where all the kids walk together it's fab, does a daily mile most days at school, advance club one day a week after school, plus swimming lessons once a week. So she does get plenty of exercise and is fine with it as long as it's on her terms. I pick her up in the car mainly because I also have a 1 year old DD2 who naps till 2:45 most days and so it's so we're at school for the 3 o'clock pickup. If the weathers really nice and DD2 gets up early enough we will walk but it's usually tantrums all round!
Oh Super I'd love a tummy tuck but just can't afford at the moment. The hope is that we will be able to someday. I was recently given some money from a relative that would've covered it but we really needed other stuff in the house so I couldn't justify it.

Aww, you poor thing. I very much doubt you need a tummy tuck!

Echoing most others that I'm sure she didn't mean to be nasty, or upset you. YANBU for being upset - that's valid.

My best friend talks often about my 'squishy' stomach (not in front of other people!) and hugs me, because she knows I know it's a compliment - her mother is a big lady, and hugs with squishy stomachs make her feel warm and loved. I take it as a compliment, as intended, though for most of my life ANY comment about my weight cut me to the bone. I hope one day you can feel comfortable in your skin too. It really has made life much better!

"Research the fitness regime of an athlete, such as Jessica Ennis for example."

You think the OP should follow the example of a world class professional athlete? That's not very realistic. Not many of us have 5+ hours a day to train, as well as our own coach, physio and nutritionist. I've exercised my whole adult life and I still don't have visible abs (not that I care): for some women it just isn't achievable without getting down to under 20% body fat. I have a strong core, I work on it most days, and I can feel all my abs under my skin but I can't see them! True fitness is about what you can do not what you look like.

Maui because i really don't think you've read my OP and it's really irritating me I'll outline what I've said and then go into detail about my exercising for you.
I've said I do 4 spin classes a week plus at least 1 day of weight training and I usually do a 4 mile buggy walk another day. That's 6 days of exercise of some sort!
I do 4 rpm (not just spinning) classes if you know what they are? I also do a bodypump class which is my weight training. I then do Callanetics core exercises on top of that every other day. Just side stretches and some 'sit ups', pelvic waves etc. I also eat relatively clean. All our meals are home made from scratch no rubbish. I did eat completely clean for almost a year but it's just too hard to sustain with the two DD's and my hubby's long hours. Hopefully that'll put you more in the picture. Not everyone that has a c-section has loose skin on their tummy but some do, not everyone that has a natural Birth will escape without loose skin either. I've had 1 c-sec which caused me to have loose skin and the classic "overhang" that women can get. I've also had a VBAC and my second pregnancy resulted in split muscles which I've repaired myself. You cannot fix loose skin with exercise. It has lost its elasticity there's nothing you can do! Hopefully now you'll understand and stop telling me I need to exercise more!

I am not saying you need to exercise more, I am saying you obviously need to exercise differently if you don't get the right results.
Spinning is great, but will not give you a flat stomach, you are not exercising the right muscles. Weight training is more than recommended for women, but again, I don't know what muscles you are training there! You can get a fantastic butt and not exercise your belly enough, if that is your goal.
Core exercise are great, but how long for? I am not behind you, but clearly you don't do enough of what you need.

That is exactly my point: if you do not exercise specifically for what you are aiming for, then it's disheartening if you don't get the results. Of course you need an all round exercise, to tone everything, but if your issue is your belly, then you need to insist more. Yes you can have looser skin, but the overhang is not a curse. Yes you can fix it with exercise (and diet).

At the end of the day, it's up to you. Believe your belly is gone forever, or accept that the right exercises can help you and find a personal trainer (or a class or whatever) that can put you in the right track.

I have seen all the excuses: no time, no energy, woman who exercise neglect their kids, not enough money, no one exercise one hour a day. It's entirely up to you. I am not against plastic surgery, but I prefer the natural way. It takes longer, but the results are long lasting and safer.

Back to your original post, it's worrying that you make comparison with a 5 year old.

My son told me I had a 'baggy bum' when he was about 7, he didn't mean any harm

I am fit and I have a wobbly belly aswell, that's because I have had 4 large (8-9lb) babies, that's just what mums look like isn't it?

there's a picture of a woman on Facebook, one stood up with super flat tummy and one sat down with a bit of a pouch.

Can I remind those saying tell her this tell her that, that this is a five year old, she will have placed little importance on the conversation, and if it ever comes up again, yes the op should gently and simply explain fit and flat are two different things and people come in all shapes and sizes and we are all beautiful.

As for calling a five year old slim and petite, it's not something I've ever heard in relation to a child this age. Small for her age, tall for her age, that sort of thing yes, but slim and petite is not how I have ever heard a five year old described before. Shrugs.

Really Bluntness? Hear it where I am all the time. She's neither small or tall for her age but is slim and petite build hence why I'd say she's slim and petite. I'm not bringing it up with her but we'll have a chat if she says anything again. I'm not angry at her, never was, but I am angry she's beginning to think like this!

There's a great site - must find the link. Woman post their post baby body pics. We have completely unrealistic expectations as a society if what a post baby body looks like.

Be proud if your tummy. You have had beautiful children.

Didn't rttf but my first thought is that she can probably feel it's a big thing for you hence her comment. Kids will feel those things very acutely. She doesn't mean any harm of course, just expressing what she is 'getting' from you in effect. Even if (and actually even more if) it isn't actually discussed or expressed in words. Maybe worth thinking of ways to deal with the issue for yourself: you think it's a problem, it's affecting your life, have you considered some form of counselling to help you?

Allthewaves the site is called Shape of a Mother. It's beautiful. I haven't visited in years but I was there every day as I adjusted to my post pregnancy body changes.

www.theshapeofamother.com

OK, if she says this sort of thing again, I would scoop her into the air and say' I am STRONG mummy', and do a little dance and say 'I am non-stop dancing mummy' and 'Mummies come in all shapes and sizes, just like everyone else. What do you want to watch, Peppa Pig or Paw Patrol?'

MauiWest - I don't usually say this to other posters, but please do eff off!

I can't believe you're making comments like "She clearly does not exercise enough, or the right way if she can't get rid of her tummy." to someone with a history of eating disorders!!

And why on earth should she want to get rid of her tummy??! It's entirely natural and entirely healthy and I'm sure she looks fab. Speaking as someone who - opposite to the OP - lost loads of weight without trying after having dcs (don't know why - maybe breastfeeding, maybe undiagnosed thyroid problem??) I absolutely hated being skinny and scrawny. I looked ill and felt very unfeminine and hated it. I'm much happier now I've put some weight back on and got some curves back these days - I can actually fit into adult sized clothes for a start.

Being thin is really over-rated. I'm sure the OP looks great just as she is. She doesn't need to change A THING about how she looks.