To be really upset by DD's comments this morning?

[MrsStinkey]

DD1 is 5 and I love her to bits. She's, like most children, very honest and has a bit of a habit for saying things she thinks which would possibly hurt someone else's feelings. I've had chats with her about different things she's said and explain why that might not be a nice thing to say to someone or a nice question to ask them. Anyway. This morning she asked me "Mummy when are you going to get fit?" I asked her what she meant by that and she answered "When are you going to be like a fit girl with a fit girl tummy and that?" I asked her then if she didn't think I was fit already to which she replied "No because of your big wobbly tummy and that. Fit girls don't have wobbly tummies." Now I'm petite at 5ft2" but I'm only a size 8 and I do 4 spin classes a week, at least 1 weight session for an hour a week and a 4 mile buggy walk at least every other week with a local mum group. I do have a wobbly tummy. I have loose skin from carrying 2, for me, decent sized babies and a c-section that kept DD1 alive! I have explained bits to DD1 before about my tummy but she brings it up now and then anyway. Thing is it's a huge thing to me and I've been trying my hardest for 5 years to come to terms with that's how it'll always look and I can't change things now. I've suffered various forms of disordered eating my whole life and was borderline anorexic for a long time after DD1 was born because of my tummy. I've done a good job of sorting it all in my head the past few years and I really feel like today has taken me back to square 1 with it all. I absolutely hate myself. Children don't lie. It's not something she'd ever hear me talk about either as I swore my girls would never suffer with their bodies the way I have most of my life. We have a very healthy attitude towards weight and eating in my house and it's something that never gets mentioned. So it's all off her own back. I spoke to DH who made it sound like I was being silly and shouldn't listen to her, she's only 5 after all, and was making a big deal out of nothing. Am I? Sorry for the long post just don't want to drip feed and not include important facts.

I would maybe laugh and say "Oh gee thanks!".

Maybe that's not the right response, but that is what I would do.

Every body is beautiful, and it's not ok to body shame. She's only 5, so she doesn't know that it's not nice to comment on other people's bodies, but you can teach her. :)

I'd be more upset that she thinks that way, tbh, but I see that you already are.
Sounds like the school is putting some less-than-healthy ideations into her head :(

As for you being back to square 1 - well I can see how it would feel like that, but you know, you're really not. This was just a blip on your personal radar, you can just ignore it and go back to the place you were before, knowing that you have a handle on it all.

DS1 asked me today if I was pregnant. I'm not at all, but I'm wearing my baggy clothes because I'm still recovering from an emergency appendicectomy a few weeks ago, and can't wear a remotely tight waistband because it rubs against my bellybutton scar. I'm also not even attempting to use my stomach muscles just now, so fair play, I DO look about 5m pregnant. But I'm not. It is a wee bit hurtful that they notice that you're maybe not as slim as you'd like to be, but they don't MEAN to be hurtful. They're just observing literally what they see.

I've suffered various forms of disordered eating my whole life and was borderline anorexic for a long time after DD1 was born because of my tummy.

This is the root of it, not your daughter. I would gently suggest that you invest in some kind of psychotherapy for your ED.

Don't think anybody understands how mentally cruel it can be though. Working your backside off to be the best you can be fitness wise and looking like you've never bothered because you have to tuck your tummy into your trousers.

Again, I think this is a body dysmorphia thing due to your ED. The fact you're a size 8 but obsess over this specific feature, the way you described your DD as "lazy", I think your ED voice is spilling over and taking over your life in a way.

I have also had huge body image and eating issues throughout my life.

I have just, only just, started to accept my body. I am a size 12, with a fair few wobbly bit and cellulite on my legs and bum. However, I am very fit, I've just finished my first half marathon, I run 3 times a week as well as extra fun stuff. I have just about accepted that my body won't ever look like a typical 'runner'.

I think this is a really valuable lesson for my dd, she sees me, she knows exactly what I look like and she sees me work hard at running and achieving. She's only 4 so doesn't really comment except to ask about my running.

I think this could be a perfect opportunity to address this with your dd. Say 'yes I am fit, mummy does xy and z and that makes me very fit and healthy, you don't have to have a flat tummy to be fit and healthy. Plus this tummy is like this because it carried you and your brother for so long which is another amazing thing my body did'.

I absolutely understand how you feel, I think I'd feel very similar to you but can you try and fake it till you make it body positive thing? That's kind of what I did and now I mostly feel that way

AChristmasCactus I don't have an ED my relationship with food is absolutely fine now. I am body dysmorphic and it probably makes how I feel about my tummy worse but Ive worked for years now finding things to help deal with it and do it well most of the time. I don't think therapy would do much for me. Just having it pointed out makes it a bit harder. She does mention it quite a bit, even though she has absolutely never heard me speak of it! DD1 doesn't know it upset me and I'm not in any way angry at her. I am angry that she has these ideas though.
The "lazy" comment I wouldn't read much into. It was meant as a bit of funny irony really as she talks about me getting fit but would absolutely burst into tears if I walked to school (10 minute walk) to get her rather than collecting her by car! She has always been that way from a baby and we actually had a fight to take her buggy away 😂.

I think it's sad that such a young child even knows what being fit, in her mind, is.

If you meant how it reads in your OP that your DD says things she knows will hurt then maybe have a chat about thinking before she speaks and would she like if someone said X to her.

Mrs, I would respectfully disagree that your ED is in the past, as you made this post on MN with a long list of exercise you do, essentially needing reassurance that you're fit because a 5-year-old remarked on your stomach. You have also tried to get funding on the NHS for a tummy tuck against medical recommendation (which shows clear evidence of body dysmorphia) and have described the presence of your excess skin as "mentally cruel".

People are often deep in denial about their ED or think their attitude is normal. You also say that you don't discuss eating or things around it at home and are angry it's mentioned at school, showing it's a nerve for you.

The post about your DD being lazy/skinny makes you sound like you're very competitive with your daughter and this will get worse as she gets older.

I would respectfully disagree that therapy will do nothing for you. In fact I think it would improve your quality of life and ensure that your daughter doesn't grow up to experience an ED also.

I used to tell my mum she looked like a witch. What I really meant was she looked tall and thin with a thin aristocratic type nose, like the witch in my story book.
She sees photos of young celebrities with flat tummies, and will hear boys describe them as fit looking. So she thinks that is how women should look. You sound a healthy weight and very fit with all the exercise you do. But no you won't look like a celebrity photograph. But with all the retouching that goes on, even the celebrities don't look like celebrity photographs.

On the fitness aspect I could run rings round her as well! She's the laziest little girl I've ever came across 😂. She is, of course, super slim and petite and can eat whatever she likes

That is one of the most appalling comment I've read on here. You can't excuse this by saying it was made in a jokey way, comparing yourself with a 5 year old like that is pathetic. You have to get help now, get counselling or something, or you will give that poor girl terrible body issues. It's worrying that a 5 year old comment on you being lazy or fat. You must feel her head with unhealthy things. Honestly, get help, it's not fair on her at all.

On a side note, you can get a body pretty much the way it was before you had kids with the right exercises. One hour of buggy walk doesn't count I am afraid. Even diastasis recti can be worked around. Unless you have a very heavy disability, there is absolutely no reason why you can't go back into a bikini, c-section or not. It takes time and a LOT of effort, but it's worth it. In your case, I would address my mental issues first.

I'm so sorry but I would have to agree, I don't think your mental health issues with your body and food is resolved. Your comments about uour daughter weren't funny at all, she is five years old.

Before you talk to her I would think this through very carefully, you clearly love her and want her to grow up strong and healthy and uour comments on here show that uou personally are not there in terms of your own views on yourself, as such any conversation is likely to damage her.

She is only five, she is not being malicious, the fact you have had such a strong reaction to this is about uou, not her. I'm fairly sure that with all your exercise and the fact you're only a size eight, she will have picked something up from uou even if uou didn't think she could hear and all she is doing is relaying that back, five year olds shouldn't know about flat tummies and fitness, it shouldn't even be in their vocabularies.

mauiwest I don't think you read my post. That's not all I do! You're also talking rubbish and obviously know nothing about loose skin. I have extensive knowledge in nutrition and fitness so know what I'm doing and talking about. DD1 won't have issues as I'm not at all competitive with her (she's a child!?!) and personal body/eating issues are never discussed in the house in front of our girls. As for the comment you're referring to you obviously don't get irony. And my DD1 is slim, why can't I say that? Your comment isn't helpful or really on topic. You clearly haven't read my original post properly.

Thanks to all PP that have offered advice and sympathised. I think I just needed a wee hand hold today and I feel sommuch better now. Thank you

i was a horrid child - I made fun of my mum's thighs (just normal thighs really!) in public all the way through my childhood - called them fat when on beaches in swimming costumes etc!

My mum is tall - 5 ft 6 and has always been a size 10, has footballer's knees though.

I'd just laugh it off.

having said that if you really did think you needed a tummy tuck to remove the flabby skin then if it would really increase your confidence and you have the money I'd have it done!

I have read your posts, and you are deluded. Clearly she has heard you talking about body issues for a start. Where do you think she gets the "fit tummy" comments from? Peppa Pig? Your comments are not ironic, they are sad. You might think you are being funny, but you are revealing more than you expected.

Having a slim 5 year old is completely normal, but SHE shouldn't be aware of that fact!

Your child will get prettier and prettier, you will not. The state of mind you have now is worrying, how will you react when she is 15. You have a lot of work to do on yourself to get over that before you spoil your child. I do know about loose skin, I do know about fitness, and I maintain what I am saying. You can go back in a bikini with the right amount of work. At the very very worst, you will still see some stretch marks. Exercise works.

I'd be upset that my DD associates fit with a flat tummy. And I would explain to her that people can be fit in all shapes and sizes. Like you I suffer with body image issues and it's hard to turn off that switch.

Actually I recently bought kettle bells and do a workout at home now. My DS and DD sit and watch and "exercise" too (usually rolling around on the floor or trying to imitate me holding tennis balls) it's great fun and they know what "fit" really means. Now they ask DH why he isn't strong like mummy.

I'd just tell her off. You said she brings this up often so she knows it isn't something nice to say and that it's not acceptable to pass comment on people's appearance. I'd stop discussing it with her. She's 5.

You can go back in a bikini with the right amount of work. At the very very worst, you will still see some stretch marks. Exercise works.

No. exercise will not get rid of a c-section overhang. And it may not even close diastasis recti. I'm back in a bikini again but I choose one that covers my overhang and I've learned to accept my slight baby bump. Exercise is wonderful but it won't fix everything.

Children say what they think it's just the way they are, I would have laughed and I have laughed when my kids have pointed out my wobbly bits. Don't take it to heart, she's 5!

when i was a kid i was always on at my mum about her 'jelly belly'. My poor mum !
Now i have a 2 year old and a jelly belly of my own , my mum is really much slimmer than me ! ha that's poetic justice

Don't take it to heart

What really concerns me, is your apparent lack of concern at how little exercise your DD takes, OP.

You're coming across as though you find it funny that she's lazy and would 'absolutely burst into tears if you didn't pick her up from school in the car'.

Why would you drive to pick her up when it's only a 10 minute walk? Doesn't that feed her laziness and lack of fitness?

Just because she's petite, doesn't mean she should be encouraged to be lazy, especially at 5 years old.

No. exercise will not get rid of a c-section overhang

True, not exercise alone. Exercise AND diet will. Proven so many times, without even plastic surgery. Hard work however.

I lift heavy weights 5-6 times per week and cycle everywhere, but I will always have a tummy and my kids (girls of 6 and 9) do comment on it. I know they don't mean it unkindly though - they love my squishy belly. They also tell me how strong I am, which I love!

I think at 5 your daughter is probably being exposed to all sorts of nonsense already at school (our daughters call each other 'fat bum' as an insult, for eg, and that definitely hasn't come from her parents; also my 9 year old already worries about her thighs, for god's sake). I think the advice not to take it seriously is good even if you do secretly find it hurtful. She's only little, she's just saying whatever comes into her head.

Body dysmorphia must be such a struggle - I watched a great documentary the other day partly about a girl who has it (it's on BBC iplayer). It sounds like the disorder really takes on a life of its own and twists everything to suit itself.

At that age they just say it how it is. Mine has said allsorts to me!