To ask DH to give up football season ticket?

[BasinHaircut]

DH is a football fan and goes to all home games and likes to attend some away games for his team. I've never minded him going in the sense that we don't have to spend all of our free time together and I like to do things independently too.

However, now we have a 3 yo DS. I've accommodated him keeping up his football interests since DS's birth, and in theory it's only every other weekend for half a day (sometimes longer if he goes for a drink or whatever). I could in theory have the same amount of time to myself. BUT because I don't have a regular interest quite like this, AND obviously we tend to arrange things for us as a family to do in the time that DH isn't at football, in practice that doesn't work out.

It's starting to piss me off that every time I get invited somewhere or want to arrange something, I have to work my life around the football calendar. Whilst me and DH operate a 'first come first serve' on booking time when we need to make sure the other is around for DS, it seems really unfair that effectively half of my weekends for the year are already dictated by this.

AIBU to say to DH that him keeping this up isn't working for me and ask him to give it up?

zad716 hits the nail on the head It's much more than just a match, as he's probably meeting up with other people to enjoy it. My brother has a season ticket, as does my dad, so they get to spend time together every other week, along with my nephew, with the minimal amount of planning and effort and greatly enhances their relationship, sharing something they both love (shame about the team's performance half the time!). I love joining them whenever I'm home. My SIL works on some Saturdays, so my mum steps in to do the childcare for my 8yo niece, so as a consequence they get more time together. And they do miss matches for important events. There's not a home match on Boxing Day this year, so that makes a Boxing Day for the whole extended family at home together that much more special and the obvious thing to plan.

OP, you have to ask yourself why you want him to give up the season ticket, and what you would do with the time instead. Things will not always be equal during parenthood. It's a long ride and compromises always need to be made on all sides.

However, if you're finding it a struggle to cope on your own and are not managing to do things that need to be done or be places you need to be, then you'll need to call him in. But I get the feeling this isn't really the case.

Not sure where I stand on this but reading everyone's opinions is an eye opener.
DH has a season ticket for his club and we are expecting our first baby in the Spring. I have always just assumed DH would keep his ticket and it wouldn't bother me.

miss I never expected it to bother me if I'm honest! It's only recently that it has started to. Maybe it's just a stage/phase and as people are saying it will be better when DS can start going along too and I won't feel like I am continuously accommodating DH's interests all the time.

I do realise that if/when DS starts playing football that is going to eat up more time and I won't resent that. Unless of course it all falls to me because DH is at football himself. But I don't think that would happen as I'm sure DH would want to take and support him.

I won't actually ask him to give up his ticket, I just get annoyed occasionally when I go to sort something out and find that it doesn't work because of the fixtures.

Then address this, OP - we have similar issues in our household, that DH will assume that he can do X, Y and Z (often including sporting fixtures) but without checking whether I also have plans at that time. We try to sit down regularly to go through the next few weeks and work out if there are any obvious clashes and agree how we are going to resolve them. It annoys me that I have to instigate these discussions, but at least it means that we usually know about problems in advance, not the night before

I think as others have said, maybe just ask him to cut back on games. Our weekends are dictated by football, our son plays Saturdays and our daughter plays Sundays! However it's something we all enjoy. We'd love to be able to afford season tickets to the team we support however as they are a top Premier League team there's not a chance. It would cost us nearly £200 to go to a league match so we have only ever been when they do special offers for a cup game! I'm sure your son would enjoy going with him sometimes to give you some time, and as he gets older he'll probable want his own season ticket!

Oh I'd hate this. My DH plays football, rather than watches.
Before we had kids it was pretty much every saturday from 11-6pm (taking into consideration travelling, warm up, post match drink/snack etc).

He knocked it on the head not long after DS was born. We both work, weekends are our family time so its too much of a commitment for us to lose him every Saturday for most of the kids waking hours, especially now we have 2 kids. That's not the family life I signed up for, being on my own every saturday with the children.

He plays the odd sunday match and one night in the week now instead.

I don't think you're BU but my DH plays every weekend without fail so I am also jealous that you get some weekends together at least!

I've given up trying tbh . He has his time, I have my time. We have less family time as a result but we teach so we do have regular time together during school holidays.

Does he have any mates who support the same team who he can share the season ticket with? That's what my dh does, they have a rota! It means he still gets to go to lots of games but it's not EVERY week, and if there's a match which clashes with something he tries to swap.

I just get annoyed occasionally when I go to sort something out and find that it doesn't work because of the fixtures.

How often do clashes come up? We have a similar situation (DS is 18mo so way too young to go along just yet) and DH's team is 1-2hrs drive away, so that really is the whole day and evening gone, but every potential clash is assessed on merit. I do try to avoid planning stuff to clash with a match if I really want DH to attend, but equally if there's no alternative, he will just miss the match, without much complaint. This rarely actually needs to happen, and when it does, it's for a 'big' reason (e.g. my dad's 75th birthday party at the other end of the country) so I don't think there's any resentment and it's never caused an argument.

I prefer to plan stuff for myself well in advance, for example a lunch with friends in December which clashes with a match, but I discussed this with DH when we were choosing a date for the lunch back in September (people had to make travel plans and book the restaurant) and he said he'd just have to manage - turns out this particular match is on tv too so he can at least have it on whilst looking after DS, but the point was that it's give and take and although, or possibly because I choose to factor matches into any plans, it doesn't restrict us enough to cause resentment on either side.

TBH if DH has a season ticket and first dibs on social arrangements for 19 weekends of the year I wouldn't be thrilled at him travelling for away matches as well

*big cup/Derby games excepted. Not League Cup mind.

Try a cricket league side that takes itself seriously and does social games. April-September that's Wednesday evenings, Saturday afternoons 2-7ish and occasional Sundays. And days off for county/national cricket. But they're finding it harder to fill sides as mothers (and some fathers) stamp their feet.

Your issue is you need to adjust the operating model you have had where what's booked first comes first: my DH loves his footie but is happy to miss a match if we have something we would rather do as a family. You can often sell your seat too so you don't lose any money.

I insisted DH gave up his season ticket when we had DDs. It was partly a time thing and partly financial. I regret it now. Football was one of his few hobbies and he lost touch with it and friends he had at the stadium and never got back into it. He might have lost interest anyway, but I'll never know that for sure. The only times he attends now are if local mates aren't using their tickets and offer the seat to him.

I think if your DH is prepared to miss the odd game for special family outings or events and doing so is affordable for you then it would be nice for him to keep the ticket. We all need interests outside the home and family.

We have the same system as you and it wears me down too. People are saying it's only four hours a few Saturdays but add in some pre-season friendlies, away and cup games and it just grows. It becomes a mindset that football takes precedence. Boxing Day football, New Years Day football, Easter weekend can't go away football. On the upside now DS is older although he goes to many matches if something better is on offer then he will choose that and DH feels abandoned so what goes around.... (grin)

Where this is unfair is that obviously as soon as the fixture list comes out, he gets first dibs on every other weekend basically - for the next 9 months!! So in terms of making plans I'm at a permanent disadvantage

Thanks for the clarification. That alone means YANBU, especially as it's actually more than every other weekend if he's going to away games too. As others said, it's not so much the hours as the immovability. It might only be four hours on 60% of weekends or whatever, but the reality is that it has an impact on you disproportionate to the number of hours. It would be quite different if eg he just needed to fit in four hours of running each weekend.

I don't know that I'd ask him to stop the season ticket, but the away matches are taking the piss. Also I'd want to do something about there being a rebuttable presumption that his matches take priority in the event of a clash. But it's possible to come up with a solution that still marries this with him going regularly, I know people that have.

Massive YABU.
The season runs 7 months of the year. Depending on your league there are 19 - 23 home games a season. Which means there are 31 - 29 weeks when he does not have a game.
He's allowed some time away from you to do things he loves.

If you are invited to something which clashes, can't you just say, well, I want to go to this event, you will have to miss a game? In theory it would be fair if you did that 50% of the time. Though I am sure youwouldn't.

It's not the number of games in itself that's the problem, it's this:
I have to work my life around the football calendar.
And if it's a premier league team, I bet the games get moved about all the time too for tv coverage?
Like I've said, I'm a big football fan. It's not on when you have a small child.

Yanbu, I'm getting a bit fed up with the amount of time my husband spends at the football. Didn't bother so much before but we have a baby now. I'm practically having to beg him to miss a game to attend our nephews birthday party that we're hosting at our house!

And if it's a premier league team, I bet the games get moved about all the time too for tv coverage?

Oh god yes that is mega annoying!

Basin I feel your pain. It drives me up the wall

My cousin used to share a season ticket and go to every other home game, this way it was cheaper and roughly worked out at one home match per month. Would this be a compromise he would consider?

That's what I used to do and it worked pretty well (or so I like to think - maybe I should ask my husband!). However some season tickets now come with a photo so it may not be as easy to do.

I would also add OP, get yourself a hobby outside the home for 4-6 hours per weekend

YABU. DP and I are moving near to his team and I fully expect him to get a season ticket (we're mainly moving to be near his mum, as my folks live in another country: it's not all about the football!) I will not begrudge him having the time off. He works really hard and is a great father and partner. Of course, I would expect him to miss a game if something important came up and also expect him to give me time off when I want to do stuff.

I think women often have a bit of a martyr complex. I include myself in that! We feel guilty asking for time off for ourselves but it's important that we do, otherwise it's easy to feel unappreciated and bitter.