I think IABU but so fed up

[DragonNoodleCake]

DD 17 had baby 2 weeks ago. (Found out at 32 weeks). Being as supportive as can. DH working overseas. I am working FT in a tough job, have 5yr old DD and trying to keep house ok and myself sane. Overweight and so tired keep making shitty choices and not time to do exercise (excuse I know).
Yesterday WFH and DD1 sat on couch with baby all day. Spoke to her about helping out etc.
I'm behind at work for all the emergency time I had off recently. So stayed back an hour.
Got home from work to find dirty nappies on kitchen bench, because no bag in bin (I emptied on way out this morning) they are in plain sight under sink. DD2 not fed (even though she offered to do pick up) place a tip, clean baby grows on couch same as yesterday. Litter tray minging and her cat not fed.
My DM who is super house proud visited today from 2 hours away - and she never said a word about this behaviour.
I lost it shouted at her, at DH on phone and then DM on phone.
I am on my own through n through as all DH wanted to go on about (again) is how I shouldn't have shouted etc. Etc and now threatening to quit job and trying to make me feel worse!!! Aaaaah - oh now I just got the - we need to sell house and move to smaller one if DD1 and DGS moving out because she told him she so fed up with my shouting - text
I know I wrong for losing it but really would you not lose it too?

I can understand why you're stressed, but don't you remember what it's like having a two week old?

I think you need to set up ground rules now. Yes she has just had a baby two weeks ago but that doesn't mean she can let things slip. Things need to be put/thrown away straight away, stuff needs to go in her room (or whichever designated area), you need to rehome the cat if it is 'hers' and she cannot handle the responsibility.

She has to be a grown up now whether she likes it or not. She chose to have sex; this is a consequence of that. You need to not rely on her for anything for yourself for now (like pick up) while she is still getting used to things but I wouldn't let the other things slip. If she keeps leaving things around put them in a box in your room, tell her you threw them out because they were left around (my parents used to do this with me, sounds harsh but it works). Once she is learning to put things away you can return the stuff.

Baby is 2 weeks old. I suspect what she needs is some leeway from you about the small stuff. You sound really stressed but it's not the answer to put pressure on a new mum.

Good luck.

She had a baby 2 weeks ago, I think you should cut her some slack. I think she did well to pick your other daughter up and look after her to be honest, I wouldn't have been up for that so soon after having a baby.

I agree the nappies are not ideal (but honestly I would have expected the person who took the liner out to put a new one in really) but the rest sounds totally normal for a new mum.

Thanks, I've apologised for shouting/reacting by text as she's ran away to room.
This is just fuelling the 'I will move out then' attitude. She genuinely could not manage, has no income, no bf.

she cannot see that just cleaning up after her/baby/cat is all I want.
I'm just a horrible mum to her, she's still got teenager attitude.
I'm knackered, fed up and lonely. Shouldn't lose it though.
DH is a good bloke but he just isn't getting it.

Of course you would like her to clean up after herself, but do you not remember how it was to be a new mum? She must be exhausted and she really is still very young

Do you really think that she can't put things in a bin, move things etc. 2 weeks after baby? I was back to running house within 3 days after DD2 . Also DM was here to help get DD2.
Maybe I am being unreasonable but she's only had a baby - not had major surgery. She has been going out shopping/meeting friends from a few days after.

For bin, put several bags on top of each other so when you take bag out there is another underneath.
She needs support OP not shouting at.
Perhaps look into getting well organised at the week end. Ready made meals, online shopping, baskets/tub trugs to put things away quickly, etc...

I think being a 17 year old new mum is probably overwhelming for your DD. And I think being a new mum is a different experience for everyone. She needs your support.

I understand you're stressed, but I have to feel for your DD here - she's had less than 2 months to come to terms with the idea of being a mum, then less than 2 weeks with a newborn. And she's only 17!

I barely knew which way was up 2 weeks after giving birth. DH was at home with me for 2 weeks and even after he went back to work he brought me tea and toast in bed every morning, made sure the cat was fed and generally did everything Round the house after he got back from work. And it was still hard!

She's going through a huge life upheaval, she needs support not to be shouted at. Sorry, YABU. But because it does sound tough for you too.

I think you're being unreasonable. She's only 2 weeks post baby, going through labour is pretty exhausting. She may well feel trapped by her situation, in which case positive support and encouragement will get her moving more than criticism.

Do you think she might have pnd? An inability to do little household things is a warning sign. Can you agree to cut her some slack in the short term in return for agreeing what are the things she needs to do (not leave dirty nappies lying around, etc). How old is dd2, can she fix dinner occasionally?

I absolutely get why you're frazzled and ratty and short-tempered. You have a hell of a lot on your plate. But she's only 17 - she's had this life-changing experience very recently, her hormones are all over the place, she's probably in a degree of shock if she only found out at 32 weeks. You have to cut her some slack, you really do. And in fairness you must be in shock too.

So what practical things can be done to make your life easier? Can you afford a cleaner? Can your DH come home for a week or so? Can your mum move in to help for a couple of weeks?

I was 20 years older than her when I had my first baby, and at 2 weeks post partum DH was still in paternity leave. All I managed was to feed baby, change her sometimes, shower myself and occasionally eat if someone made it for me. We had firm plans for when he went back to work for my DM to come to stay, then DMIL so that I wasn't on my own with the baby for ages.

I was 37 and had been in a responsible job, and I still needed that much support. She is 17 and didn't get round to putting clean babygros away! Cut her some slack...

I think the thing is that you're looking at it from a different perspective - I was dealing with young children within 24 hours of giving birth, looking after the house stuff when DH out etc BUT I wasn't 17 and I had had more than 8 weeks to get my head around things.

I can completely see why you are exhausted, feel broken and just want the world to disappear. But I suspect your DD feels exactly the same.

I can see why you're stressed it must a very hard Rolex but as pp have said, 2 weeks is very new. Not only that but she's only 17. She hasn't run her own house before so she isn't used to what it takes to do that, let alone do that as well as learn to be a mum and keep a tiny human alive. It took me months to be able to manage to keep the house in order after mine when I was 29! even now hubby still has to clear the debris some days when it goes to pot. Maybe start by asking her to do one thing each day, maybe feed andclean up free the cat. Then once that's a habit start a new thing like emptying the bin etc.
Anything else to woo be more organised like having a changing station set up in certain rooms so you don't have to keep going back and forth with nappies wipes and clothes etc can be useful in the first few months too. Good luck, congratulations. And remember this is temporary. In a few months the baby will be more independent and df will be more settled. X

Wow. Typos. Sorry!

Ground rules and routine OP. Write them down and stick them on the fridge. Basically she can do as she pleases during the day, but by the time you get home from work you want X, Y and Z done. Nappies in bin, kitchen tidy and living space clear to sit and relax.

It's not too much to ask.

Tbh I think I would thank you if you gave me set, simple, achievable and timely tasks like that then I was floundering with a PFB!

Your being very very unfair. Yes she left a mess the nappies are particularly grim. But she sounds like she needs support not shouting and another child to pick up and looked after.

2 weeks after giving birth is such early days. For now arrange other child care for your youngest and see if your mum could help your oldest.

However, It sounds like your totally understand overburdened, 10 weeks is no time for you to get your head around a new baby either. It's not just your responsibility to take on the extra work and care needed for support your dd and grandchild.

Could she have pnd?

I guess it's different for everyone but at two weeks post partum I was still henoraging blood, dripping milk everywhere, feeding 24/7, still had spd, still dangerously anemic, & didn't do anything but cry or nurse a crying baby. And I was 30. The idea of going through that at 17 is scary so maybe she just needs time and support to come to terms with it all.

If she's old enough to have sex and want to keep her child, she's old enough to look after it. I would set very firm ground rules if she and her offspring want to live at your house. That would include picking up after herself and any mess created as a result of her baby. Any attitude, storming off to her room in a strop will not be tolerated. If she doesn't like it she is free to leave and present herself at the local authourity and be housed in an emergency lodging. Chances are that would be some grotty B n B for troubled mums.
I would not allow her shenanigans to cause any upheaval in your younger Dd 's life any further.

To be clear, DM was here and they phoned me and OFFERED to pick up DD2 as they were going out shopping. I do not expect her to take care of DD2.

Of the 16 days since DGS arrived she had been out shopping/seeing friends/church etc for at least 10 days. So not couch bound when it suits.

I've not asked her to clean - we have a cleaner. The cleaner can not do her job with everything left around the house. I only would like her to move her lunch dishes/move baby stuff and dirty nappies etc and clean out the litter tray/feed cat.

I'm fed up because instead of offering practical help DH lectures me about shouting or throws toys in air and threatens to quit job to come home because we obviously can't get on without him here. I earn a damn good wage but probably not enough to keep house, is all and DD1 and DGS, so his 'solution' just stresses me out more.

You are all right though. I expect a lot. I'm still a bit peeved with her (no, sorry for situation, thanks for taking care of us) and I think it's spilling over into everyday stresses.

I have apologised for my bad behaviour. I think I'm not wrong for the reasons I lost it, but I am wrong for losing it.

I posted (ranted) on here as a calm down mechanism - think it's worked.

Rota for basics on fridge
10 deep breaths for me

OP, yanbu. Sounds like you're having a bloody hard time of it. Poor you

Being brutally honest, she's chosen to have sex, and to keep a baby despite still living at home and having no money or means of her own. So she should appreciate she's got to live in your house and with your rules.

I don't buy all this 'its only 2 weeks after the baby' ffs how do you think single mums manage? With DS1, admittedly I was 26 not 17, but I had no partner or family, and therefore had to get on and do stuff because no one was going to do it for me. That's how life is.

And it's not like the OP has asked her to cook a meal or clean the house, or do a weekly shop. She's been asked to empty a litter tray and put a bag in the bin, and chuck away some rubbish. It's 5 mins work, 10 tops. And as OP says, her mum, DGM, was there - I'm sure she could have occupied baby for a few mins whilst those tasks were accomplished. There's no excuse other than laziness/ oh well, mum will do it.

Make it clear she has certain jobs to do, they are non negotiable. That isn't being U in the slightest. I am sure once she sees it's either do that or move out and live independently, she will suddenly find the time and ability to pick up after herself.

Hugs. It sounds like she's gone through a lot lately. And she's the focus of all the tlc from relatives even though you're doing all the work.
But - all the people saying "she had sex, she can suck it up". You should watch that programme about the evil nuns punishing young girls in the 50s and 60s cos that's what you sound like.
She's 2 weeks in - at 36 and an experienced professional my whole world went to pot. As an inexperienced 17 year old i'd have been overwhelmed.
Are you set up yet for this baby being a permanent fixture? For me, baby gros can just be carried upstairs and chucked in DDs room. BuT only when DD is asleep. They go on the stairs til then. So they're not left in kitchen or lounge. And they're not in the cupboard BUT they are en route. It's more in the style of Fly lady but it works for me.
I think your DH is unhelpful. I think you need a hug. I think you need to tell him you need support. It's like there's so much anger and disappointment with DD that's coming out in unhelpful ways.
Can you take any time off. Can you get to GP and get yourself signed off. Can you stand and breathe. You have a healthy DGC - that's amazing and wonderful. Have you had any time to celebrate it yet?
Make sure you plan an easy xmas. Not too much slaving in the kitchen and lots of revelling in your DD and GGC. Have you told her you love her and you're proud of her every day? I'm now 43 and still crushed every time MIL shows she thinks i'm a rubbish mum!

Justhappy3, expecting her to take care of her own child which she chose to keep (since pregnancy discovered too late for an abortion, adoption is still an option) is hardly "punishing" her. In fact, her irresponsible behaviour (and yes getting pregnant at 17 with no means of independent financial support is irresponsible no matter how you cut it) is being rewarded by free lodging and board and occasional free childcare. Ffs, she doesn't even have to do any cleaning, just pick up after herself. If she is that depressed (doesn't sound like it from her very active post partum social life) she needs to seek medical help and maybe she shouldn't be in charge of a little newborn. Best she learns right now that life is never going to be easy for her again until her daughter leaves home.