I think IABU but so fed up

[DragonNoodleCake]

DD 17 had baby 2 weeks ago. (Found out at 32 weeks). Being as supportive as can. DH working overseas. I am working FT in a tough job, have 5yr old DD and trying to keep house ok and myself sane. Overweight and so tired keep making shitty choices and not time to do exercise (excuse I know).
Yesterday WFH and DD1 sat on couch with baby all day. Spoke to her about helping out etc.
I'm behind at work for all the emergency time I had off recently. So stayed back an hour.
Got home from work to find dirty nappies on kitchen bench, because no bag in bin (I emptied on way out this morning) they are in plain sight under sink. DD2 not fed (even though she offered to do pick up) place a tip, clean baby grows on couch same as yesterday. Litter tray minging and her cat not fed.
My DM who is super house proud visited today from 2 hours away - and she never said a word about this behaviour.
I lost it shouted at her, at DH on phone and then DM on phone.
I am on my own through n through as all DH wanted to go on about (again) is how I shouldn't have shouted etc. Etc and now threatening to quit job and trying to make me feel worse!!! Aaaaah - oh now I just got the - we need to sell house and move to smaller one if DD1 and DGS moving out because she told him she so fed up with my shouting - text
I know I wrong for losing it but really would you not lose it too?

I wish people wouldn't keep going on about how she 'chose to keep it' as if there are only two choices: abort your baby or be a perfect parent from day 1

Is it because she is so young? Yes, this makes things difficult for her and yes, it has placed a lot of responsibility on her mum's shoulders, but I doubt anyone is seriously suggesting she should have had an abortion because that is none of their bloody business.

And as for OP telling her she loves her and is proud of her! Love is evident by the fact that OP allows her to live at home after her disgrace and is supporting her. As for being proud of her, no one should be proud of their teenage daughter deliberately choosing to stack her life with such odds before her life has even really begun.

Nceccoli: I hope you have never made a mistake and never had to rely on anyone for help, I really do. What a nasty post.

'her disgrace'

Have I been transported to the 1940s?

Of course I have made mistakes. And of course I have had to rely on others for help, especially my parents. But the difference being I realised that the were not obliged to help me and we're doing it out of kindness and love and I humbled myself accordingly. I try not to add to the stress of those taking on extra burdens by helping me. And if they raised issues with me, even if I felt they were having a go, I certainly did not retaliate and throw a strop and feel hard done by.

Were doing it

Well aren't you saintly. Get over yourself. She's 17. I don't think this should be a permanent situation and she will definitely have to pull her socks up, but she gave birth 2 weeks ago - give her a break.

Well this needs to be nipped in the bud. Two weeks will turn into four and into eight and the next thing you know, it will be Oh well mum's got this sorted so I'm off to enjoy my life and perhaps that may lead to another pregnancy.

Dirty nappies left lying around is a health hazard. If the health visitor or other professional visited an unhygienic home they would be obliged to raise this. The fact she is 17 is by the by, she is a parent and needs to parent her child.

Neccoli - you should NEVER have had to humble yourself for having a baby (if that's what you mean). If you did then that's so awful for you.
Yes her parents should be proud. There are drawbacks but also positives - not to celebrate a new life would be so very negative. At 2 weeks in my mum was dping all my washing and turning up to make me lunch. And i was 36! But admittedly she didn't have a full time job.
Do not shame this girl. Do not expect her to slave away in some kind of penance. That's utterly horrible.

What I don't get is suggestion to treat her like an adult and expect her to step up are met with cries of but she's just 17, just a child herself! So then she needs to be treated as a child with firm limits boundaries and clear unpleasant consequences should those lists be broken. So is she an adult with adult responsibilities or a child to be treated strictly so they learn ?

I don't think you are bu at all personally. If she can go shopping with friends she can do 10 minutes of clearing up a day. If she was in such dire straights that she couldn't leave the house I'd be more understanding about the trash. But she's leaving it for you to go have fun.

I really feel for you op. That all so overwhelming and others are right, she can manage to put a bin bag in and do the pots after 2 weeks. I was on my own with my first at 19 and did all that and on my own with the third plus a three year old but that's another story yes she's young but she's not disabled . She needs telling that you all pull together but that means her too. Newborns usually sleep a lot so she will have time to rest and pitch in .

Slaving away!! Emptying a litter tray and disposing of her own child's nappies hygienically and putting away her child's laundry is Slaving away???!!
No I have never had to humble myself to my parents or anyone else for having a child at 17 becuase I just knew not to do so. Would my parents have supported me? Yes of course without a doubt. Would they love my child, Yes. Would it have broken their hearts? Yes, yes and yes. And so I made very sure it would not happen and if it did, the last thing I would do is add to their stress.

Have you forgotten what it's like with a baby? Tidying the house is a bloody nightmare. It's easier to keep moving, get out and tidy up in one go when baby asleep. So yes, i go out with breakfast things on the side - shoot me!

When she has her own house she can leave it in as much of a mess as she likes. Ffs, she couldn't even make sure her little sister was fed!

Aside from the fact that she's just had a baby, all dd has responsibility for is looking after herself, baby and cat.

She has no additional responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, managing her finances, juggling other kids, worrying about keeping the roof over her head etc like most new parents.

YANBU to DEMAND that she makes an effort. If she is up to going out to meet friends etc then she can put a nappy in a bin (and replace the binbag, it's not as if she's in unfamiliar surroundings and can't find the roll of fresh bags), move her (presumably washed by you) laundry or open a tin of cat food.

I had crippling pnd that prevented me from getting dressed and showered for days at a time but this is absolutely basic stuff that shouldn't require a second thought.

Good luck to her if she thinks she can manage if she moves out on her own!!

You're all going through a huge change to your family dynamic, but she is a mother now herself and needs to take on some responsibility!

Dragon could I ask, did DD only find out she was pg at 32 weeks or had she known longer and it was just you who found out that late?

It sounds like a tough situation all round, but... she's a 17 year old who had her first baby 2 weeks ago. She is probably feeling totally overwhelmed. I doubt whether emptying bins is remotely within her consciousness at the moment.

Not too overwhelmed to socialise

Fucking hell, nceccoli. Her disgrace? You knew better than to have a child at 17?

I'd take your views back to the 1940s, where thankfully nobody had the internet to judge other people on.

OP I think you're done the right thing.

For bin, put several bags on top of each other so when you take bag out there is another underneath.

Gymnopedies you utter genius! Why doesn't everyone know this trick?

Let's change the relationship....

My partner had baby 2 weeks ago. (Found out at 32 weeks). Being as supportive as can. I am working FT in a tough job, have 5yr old DD and trying to keep house ok and myself sane. Overweight and so tired keep making shitty choices and not time to do exercise (excuse I know).
Yesterday WFH and my partner sat on couch with baby all day. Spoke to her about helping out etc.
I'm behind at work for all the emergency time I had off recently. So stayed back an hour.
Got home from work to find dirty nappies on kitchen bench, because no bag in bin (I emptied on way out this morning) they are in plain sight under sink. DD not fed (even though she offered to do pick up) place a tip, clean baby grows on couch same as yesterday. Litter tray minging and her cat not fed.
My DM who is super house proud visited today from 2 hours away - and she never said a word about this behaviour.
I lost it shouted at her, at a friend on phone and then DM on phone.
I am on my own through n through as all my friend wanted to go on about (again) is how I shouldn't have shouted etc. Etc and now threatening to quit job and trying to make me feel worse!!! Aaaaah - oh now I just got the - we need to sell house and move to smaller one if my partner and son moving out because she told him she so fed up with my shouting - text
I know I wrong for losing it but really would you not lose it too?

Does that sound okay to you? You can't treat her as any less of a human just because you gave birth to her.

OP I don't think your expecting too much from DD1, even if she's not used to running a house. You are asking only the minimum and she needs to realise she is actually having an easy ride.
Ask the H/V if she can talk to DD about her responsibities towards the baby and recommend some mother and baby groups she can join. Help her get into a routine -- sit down together as equal adults to work out what needs doing before she leaves the house and before you get home and before she goes to bed. Have some age appropriate ready meals in the freezer so she can easily feed your DD2 when necessary .
Ask your mum to remind DD and to tell her she's lucky to have such an accommodating mum.
Good luck

DD found out at 32 weeks. I swear no bump!!

It's been a hard 2 years with her attitude but she's not a really bad teen.
There are worse things than a baby

I love her and DGS, of course DH and I are supporting her because we love them.

She must be struggling as the dad wants nothing to do with her or DGS

I just don't want to feel like everything is on me. I melted down.
I just wish I could be on the ball, but feel like I'm chasing my tail all the time
I took next Monday as a holiday to take some time out.

As I said DH works overseas. Came home last weekend and promptly went out to a friends to watch football Friday night. I drove him each way. I know he needs time off too. So that's ok. I'm arranging a couple nights out for his next times home.
Thanks all