I think IABU but so fed up

[DragonNoodleCake]

DD 17 had baby 2 weeks ago. (Found out at 32 weeks). Being as supportive as can. DH working overseas. I am working FT in a tough job, have 5yr old DD and trying to keep house ok and myself sane. Overweight and so tired keep making shitty choices and not time to do exercise (excuse I know).
Yesterday WFH and DD1 sat on couch with baby all day. Spoke to her about helping out etc.
I'm behind at work for all the emergency time I had off recently. So stayed back an hour.
Got home from work to find dirty nappies on kitchen bench, because no bag in bin (I emptied on way out this morning) they are in plain sight under sink. DD2 not fed (even though she offered to do pick up) place a tip, clean baby grows on couch same as yesterday. Litter tray minging and her cat not fed.
My DM who is super house proud visited today from 2 hours away - and she never said a word about this behaviour.
I lost it shouted at her, at DH on phone and then DM on phone.
I am on my own through n through as all DH wanted to go on about (again) is how I shouldn't have shouted etc. Etc and now threatening to quit job and trying to make me feel worse!!! Aaaaah - oh now I just got the - we need to sell house and move to smaller one if DD1 and DGS moving out because she told him she so fed up with my shouting - text
I know I wrong for losing it but really would you not lose it too?

It's sounds like at the heart of it this isn't about the baby but more long-standing 'teenage' behaviour and that you're disappointed that having a baby hasn't been an immediate epiphany that's launched her into adulthood.

I'd say overall YANBU to expect this from her, but YABU to expect a change right now, and frustrating as it is, having a go at her right now is going to be counterproductive in the long-term. I think it's about finding a balance between not letting things slide but not nagging or arguing about it to the extent that undermines your relation.

As for people suggesting DD had a binary choice between having the baby adopted and morphing from teenage into a fully responsible adult parent overnight - a bit of empathy and understanding wouldn't go amiss.

Well...got home to a 'tidied round' ground floor and dinner in the oven. Closet I'll get to an apology from DD but maybe it's a sign she kinda gets it.

Things sound really tough, I'm not surprised you lost it but I think you need to aknowledge that with a new baby in the house, a teenager who whom this must have come as an awful shock, and a 5 yr old, you need to relax standards for a while. Your dd will need a lot of support and whilst it's not unreasonable to expect her to help with the household stuff she may just feel overwhelmed with everything at the moment. As a temporary measure until things settle down could you cut your hours down or perhaps have a cleaner come once a week to help out. For the sake of a few quid a week that is something I would consider although of course I don't know your financial situation. I hope things improve for you all soon, make sure you have some time for yourself too as it sounds like you are the centrepin of the household .

Progress! Onwards and upwards for all of you :)

This actually proves you shouldn't cut your hours or lower your standards. You lost your temper and she responded to it.

Your daughter is a mother now. She needs to understand that YOU are an person as well and your welfare and well being matter too. Trying to be perfect is pointless. She's not 5, she's old enough to understand that you love her and can also be angry about the mess.

People keep trying to infantilize her but being loving but firm is the best thing (and as you've proven, gets the best results).

Your DH is the most annoying one in this scenario. It's easy to be sanctimonious about not shouting from a long way away, it's different when you're on the spot and overworked yourself. I imagine you and your DD are both tired and shell-shocked which won't help either of you. And couldn't your mum who was visiting for the day have helped out on the tidying up, knowing you were working? Ask a bit more of everyone around you, not just your DD who is being a bit careless but does have the most on her plate of all of them.

I dont think leaving a soiled nappy in the kitchen is ok and I think I would have reacted the same way.
It looks like she has pulled her socks up...dont let her backslide

Some of the attitudes on here and shocking. The girl had a child and that isn't a crime and she certainly wasn't unreasonable to have her baby and the op would have been cruel if she hadn't supported her do as that is what loving parents do. Yes she needs to get a better routine but she is only 2 weeks into motherhood and should be given some understanding not the level of resentment and shouting at her she is getting now, though I understand the op is stressed out. I can also understand the op feeling like she would like some thanks, but shouting won't make the DD feel as thankful as gentle support and pointers would.

For bin, put several bags on top of each other so when you take bag out there is another underneath.

Why, why, WHY have I never thought of this?! Changing bags is one of my least favorite chores. You may have just made my life better!

(Sorry to hijack, but this is brilliant.)

i agree if she's old enough to be shagging then she can learn to pick up after herself. i would be very firm with her.

I know exactly where you're coming from because the same happened to us this time last year. My dh had a breakdown but I've had to be strong for everyone. It is a very difficult situation. Wish there was some help for parents in this position xx

I think your dd1 needs some help. I think to say she has chosen to have sex and has to get on with it is not a good response in this situation. Where is the father that chose to have sex? I had a baby at 17 & while it was the happiest I'd been for many years, I had been groomed & sexually abused by an older boy/man since I was 14 & actually before that by another boy since I was 12. I don't think I actually wanted to have sex until I was in my 20s, I wanted to not be dumped and not be called names and most of all not left and many other things. I also faced a lot of disapproval and punishment during maternity care and out shopping ...I thought I was fine and happy for months, but succumbed to terrible PND when my baby was 10 months, which I hid & which it took years to recover from. I think (& I appreciate I don't know the back story) you really need to forget about the house for a while, get a cleaner & take a step back & check whether your DD is OK. She is still a child in your care & I think you & your DH therefore have some responsibility for the pregnancy & this baby.

My house was a shit tip two weeks after having a baby and I'm 37.

Just looking after baby - feed, change, feed,change round the clock was full on. I did get out and about but at home it all went to pot.

Nothing ever prepares you for the responsibility of having a baby but If I were in your situation OP I would feel exactly as you do. My view is that there has to be give and take on both sides.

When I had my first baby the Health Visitor gave me one tip that I took on board even though when she mentioned it I thought she had lost the plot. She suggested that I should lay the table for tea at the first opportunity and tidy as I went along and then even if I didn't do anything else all day my partner wouldn't think I had done nothing. In your case you are your daughters partner and she needs to understand that she is able to stay with you because you earn the money, that you do a stressful job and that when you come home you are tired both because of work and the disturbed nights and that it is not fair that you have to come home and tidy her mess before you can get on with preparing tea etc

It may of course be that she has never had to do anything in the house before so not only will the care a baby needs be a huge shock, the fact that she has to tidy up after herself will be another. You are not being unreasonable to expect her to do this - 2 weeks post baby or not. She is able to find the time to socialise ( and I don't begrudge her that at all) so surely she could manage to put a bag in the bin and dispose of the nappies more hygenically. I don't think it would be unreasonable either to ask her to peel a potato or whatever in preparation tea - this is what those who stay at home to look after a baby do and she is no different 17 or not.

As to what you need to give in return ( and you are giving a lot already ) - lots of love and a bit less shouting. In time your daughter will realise that she is lucky to have you

I don't think you're unreasonable to expect dirty nappies to be put in the bin - or in the outside bin, litter tray cleaned and laundry put upstairs. You're not asking her to clean the house. Just set some basic expectations or do it together. I would definitely do this because of the hygiene aspects. If she were living by herself she would have to do so much more so it's in her best interests too!

DH is being an asshole! Next time he threatens to quit his job ask him how is going to contribute the £x that you need to keep the house and family

When he is back home, you need a few days away for yourself!

She's 2 weeks pp! Just because you were running around after a few days doesn't mean she should be.

How many posts on here have new mums getting their own mums to come and stay once their husband has returned to work, and posts about batch cooking before hand etc to make sure you're eating.

She's 17, has a tiny newborn baby she only knew existed a few weeks ago, no husband/partner support and you shouting at her for not putting babygros away. Her whole world has been turned upside down.

How often is she up in the night feeding? At that stage my babies were feeding relentlessly day and night and yes I got out of the house as much as I could, if she's meeting friends then she's getting support from them, even if it's just maintaining a link to normal life.

I think it might be better for her to be on her own. You are unhappy and your unhappiness is making you difficult to live with, from what you've said. For a vulnerable new mum, that's a source of stress she doesn't need, especially as the baby grows into a boisterous toddler and you will still be blowing up erratically.

I find it ironic that you talk about your DH 'throwing his toys in the air' when he is facing coming home to keep his DD in the supportive atmosphere she needs because you can't keep you temper.

That said I completely understand your frustration and agree that basic cleanliness is not too much to ask at all. But there's a difference between basic cleanliness and what you seem to expect -- Thursday pick up, dinner in the oven - in your own words, you expect 'a lot'.