I think IABU but so fed up

[DragonNoodleCake]

DD 17 had baby 2 weeks ago. (Found out at 32 weeks). Being as supportive as can. DH working overseas. I am working FT in a tough job, have 5yr old DD and trying to keep house ok and myself sane. Overweight and so tired keep making shitty choices and not time to do exercise (excuse I know).
Yesterday WFH and DD1 sat on couch with baby all day. Spoke to her about helping out etc.
I'm behind at work for all the emergency time I had off recently. So stayed back an hour.
Got home from work to find dirty nappies on kitchen bench, because no bag in bin (I emptied on way out this morning) they are in plain sight under sink. DD2 not fed (even though she offered to do pick up) place a tip, clean baby grows on couch same as yesterday. Litter tray minging and her cat not fed.
My DM who is super house proud visited today from 2 hours away - and she never said a word about this behaviour.
I lost it shouted at her, at DH on phone and then DM on phone.
I am on my own through n through as all DH wanted to go on about (again) is how I shouldn't have shouted etc. Etc and now threatening to quit job and trying to make me feel worse!!! Aaaaah - oh now I just got the - we need to sell house and move to smaller one if DD1 and DGS moving out because she told him she so fed up with my shouting - text
I know I wrong for losing it but really would you not lose it too?

And she doesn't want to discuss the dad thing - I've tried a few times.

I think there's a balance to be struck she is young and after 2 weeks she hasn't got into a routine yet so some understanding is definitely needed!! However leaving dirty nappies on the side instead of putting a bin bag in is not ok! IMO doing things that are part of taking care of her baby are important and she needs to start taking responsibility for! Helping out in general no! I don't think you can expect that! If she hadn't picked your DD up what was the plan?? Being tired and on your own with this must be hard but as I think you know and have acknowledged shouting won't help. I agree with pp clear defined expectations re what she needs to do and why!! As for the rest can you speak to your DM about helping you without blaming dd1!

I'm totally stealing the bin bag idea!!

Well that's terrible. The father of the baby should be responsible for child support. Perhaps there is more to the conception than just teenage carelessness. I hope it was not a result of sexual assault. I would try to be supportive about that and hope she shares in time but at the same time be very strict about how her attitude around the house MUST change. She has chosen to take responsibility for a baby and she must do the best Hy the baby and herself. It is also wrong for your DH to distance himself from this whole situation and leave you to it, but that's a DH problem and nothing to do with your daughter. Unless she perhaps realises that her dad cuts her no quarter and that she is able to take advantage of you while you have no other support.

I'd have just left work earlier to pick up DD2. Only because they picked her up I sneaked in an extra hour.
She's in room still, don't think she's eaten or taken her medication.
Just sent DH a massive long message. Hopefully he understands.

Teenage carelessness - ended after 6 weeks as he cheated. He sounds Iike a childish dick tbh

DH is her best friend, cuts her a lot of slack. Often says I am too harsh etc.

Maybe take her some food as a peace offering then when your both feeling better a calm discussion about what she needs to do!

Well dragonnoodlecake, just so your daughter doesn't and shouldn't have the excuse of being "just" a teenager, so shouldn't he. He should be made to pay for the upkeep of his child if nothing else. Perhaps right now he has no means to pay. But hopefully your DD sees some sense in years to come and applies for child maintainence for the benefit of your DGS who deserves whatever financial support he can get from his father even if your family are willing and able to provide for them.

If anyone should be bringing a peace offering it should be your DD, but maybe we are expecting too much.

17 is so young - I was still a hormonal wreck at that age, and I didn't have a baby. It's also very hard for you because you are effectively a single parent yourself while DH is working away.

You have apologised to DD, which I think was right. Moving forward, focus on one thing at a time - starting with nappies need to be put in the bin even if that means having to put in a new bin liner. Housework and prompt tidying can be dealt with in a few weeks time. Can your DM help out by (for example) keeping DD company an hour or so each day? DD probably feels very isolated because her friends are now leading such different lives to hers.

Don't push her about the dad just yet - she probably feels that she and her baby have been totally rejected and doesn't want to deal with the pain of that. Open heart, closed mouth is the best way to help her in the short term, just like any other breakup.

Yanbu op. At all. She made her bed she needs to sort herself out. I had ds at 18, severe pnd for a while, escalated badly at 4months post birth, I still didn't disrespect my mums home or help and was in my own home when ds was 3weeks old. I would never have been such slob especially if she's out and about when it suits her. Congrats on your new grandchild.

I feel very sorry for you OP.
I was a very immature 18yo when I got pregnant and I didn't have a clue. I was still at school and certainly didn't know about routine or how to run a home. I can only imagine how tough it was for my parents too. That first baby is always a shock as your whole life changes, especially when you're still a teenager.
I expect your DD really needs your help in sorting out her new life. I know you are exhausted and stressed but so is she and she is still your daughter. Please show her how things are done and tell her exactly what you want her to do.
Congratulations on your first Grandchild. Things will get better

Yanbu at all, I had ds at 16 by c section, I lived 200 miles away from any of my family, on my own with my dick head ex who was only 17 himself i had no one to pick up after me, never did I leave dirty nappies lying around, in fact I remember hating any sort of mess when he was born.
I have had 2 more dc and 2 more c sections, by far was the recovery time, energy levels etc so much easier at 16 then of 21 and 28.

There is no excuse for not putting a nappy in the bin, the hv would not be overly impressed with that either.

Yanbu your daughter sounds irresponsible and can't even look after a cat. I would say it may be time to rehome it as its not being fed or cleaned up after not to mention there are two young children To think of here. She's 17. Your husband is trying to be her friend and is coming out just as immature... What did they think having a newborn would be like? Tell her she is free to move out if she feels it will help her relationship with you... I can guarantee when she realises the costs even when on benefits she will refuse to leave. And what does your husband expect will happen when he leaves? Do they really expect threatening you and emotionally blackmailing you with things will really put them in a good position?

Putting the gripes about dirty nappies and cat litter trays aside for a moment...how is she doing with the important matter of looking after the baby?

Is she managing to BF, or if FF is she coping with making up bottles correctly, cleaning and sterilising?

Is she managing the night feeds?

Is she keeping the baby clean, changing nappies regularly?

Does she know how to soothe him when he cries?

When she goes out is she managing to prepare everything she needs for the trip (enough nappies, wipes, bottles, change of clothes etc?).

If she's got all that sorted then she's doing pretty well. If she hasn't I'd focus your attention on that as priority number one rather than managing other household chores.

Obviously you know better than the any of us can how well she's coping generally and the extent to which she's not doing household basics is down to not completely coping yet vs being lazy or assuming you'll deal with it. We're all projecting based on our own experiences - I had a baby who was never happy to be put down and it took me a while to manage basic tasks one-handed without being terrified of dropping him. I often found it easier being out of the house, when moving round soothed him and I could go to a cafe and be waited on whilst I fed him (although getting showered and dressed to get out of the house was an almighty challenge!) So for me, I relate to your DD's position. But if she's able to put the baby down and is just focusing on applying make up for a trip into town rather than not leaving stinky nappies on the worktop then that's a different story.

Is the HV seeing her regularly? I'd let your DD know that it's ok to tell HV if she is struggling, that she won't look down on her or take the baby away. HV is there for support and can make her a GP appointment if needed.

But mainly, YANBU. She can easily put in a bin bag. It's just laziness and general lack of respect to leave dirty nappies lying about and it takes two minutes to clean the cats litter tray.

A chat about expectations both short and long term would benefit you both. That way this should avoid another row kicking off.

If you are doing most of the household stuff and you have a cleaner then the basic requirement of expecting DD to pick up her dirty things, put things away is not a huge ask.

I know she's only 17 but how long would you be expected to run around after her while she sits doing nothing except look after the baby or goes out with friends? It's a huge shock to the system when you have your first, we all get that, but we all have to just crack on and cope. I'd suggest a long term plan of what you expect, discuss it with her and make sure you both agree on what is reasonable in terms of your expectations.

I'd have thought by six months she could be helping to prepare dinner for the family or at least cooking for her baby. She cannot expect long term to be waited on hand and foot.

Agree with nceccoli that she could have put the baby up for adoption but chose to keep it. Thus she is an adult and needs to be treated as one.

OP: if you take all the parental responsibility from her, expect baby no 2 in quick succession. She is getting all of the positives of a child (cuteness, attention) with none of the negatives (responsibility, care). She will definitely not see the big deal in adding a younger sibling for her child.

There is nothing to be proud of in a 17 year old getting pregnant. Nothing to be ashamed of but nothing to be proud of either. There is some pride in actually RAISING the child. If you raise your grandkids, you are stopping her from growing up and learning important life lessons.

All of the teen mothers I knew who ended up excelling and going on to really good things (which was a TON despite what the daily mail likes to say) did it because their parents forced them to take responsibility for their child. People who stepped in to raise their grandkids and basically allowed their kids to be weekend/disney moms ended up with a lot more grandkids and their children never growing up.

Stand your ground!

Thanks

She is BF and that's going fantastically well. She is doing 99.9% of his care. I've changed the odd nappy etc. In terms of his care I have no issues / she is doing great (and have told her).
DH and I said from outset - we will babysit for a special pre-planned occasion only. For example her works Christmas meal out.

She is a trainee nursery nurse (planning to go back in summer) so she has basics of taking care of baby down. She paid £100 a month board from her wages and still given same out of her stat mat pay.

As I say we have a cleaner who does a full 4 hours once a fortnight and I maintain in between so I don't want cleaning done.

I want basic pick up after yourself and thoughts about other people.

Calmer today - she still not spoke to me.

I have arranged additional childcare for DD2 tomorrow (DD1 has always done a Thursday pick up) and Friday (DH - always does Fridays but he not home this weekend)

So she has - zero expectations from me

I said she 'could' choose adoption and left it to her, but I am glad she didn't choose that, he is my DGS after all.

I'm definitely picking up on a tone here. Is there any chance you are angry with her for having a baby so young? Sorry, I don't mean to be presumptuous. This just seems to go deeper than her leaving some clean baby clothes lying around.

I was 17 when my eldest was born. I had no family support and my partner (now ex) was a druggy. I found it a real struggle to be an adult when I still felt like a kid. I wish that I had had a supportive parent around to help. Someone to hold the baby so I could go cry alone for a while.
I think your daughter will still need a huge amount of mothering. She may well want a hug and to know that while things are tough now it will all get better. That kind of treatment would have made all the difference to me when my son was little.
I do think your daughter should tidy up after herself and her child. It's not a punishment but it's a good thing to learn for when she moves out. She will need to be able to cook and clean for herself and her child. When my boy was born I couldn't do either of those things which just made me feel more useless. I ended up with terrible Pnd. It was a very tough time but we got through it.
I hope you can find a way to get a break for yourself and find a way to talk to your daughter.

Oh this just gets better and better! A trainee nursery nurse you say? She better learn real quick that no nursery is going to tolerate her leaving dirty nappies around at work. And if she can do it at work she can do it at home for her OWN child.
I too sense some dissaapointment in your posts OP. For her to do this at 17 without real academic prospects or in a highly skilled vocation, her future does seem really bleak and dead end.

I don't see why its so terrible for the OP to feel disappointed - if her daughter had done anything else so irresponsible it would have been fine to be disappointed but because its a baby then she can't feel that way?

The fact is the OPs daughter had a baby and chose to keep it when she wasn't old enough to handle the responsibility or in the right position (especially financially). OP its fine to feel upset and disappointed by what has happened. Be supportive but not enabling is my advice. I agree with Interesting.

Not angry or disappointed for having the baby - but disappointed with the 'meh' attitude. Iyswim.
Disappointed with the - 'it's ok I can carry on with my shitty teenage attitude towards my parents' attitude
I guess I hoped this would make her pull up her socks a bit. I'm disappointed that there is no change.

I posted last night in a bad mood. In hindsight she isn't all bad. I'm just fed up and feeling alone. It's making me react badly (yes, I did I accept that).
Maybe I'm expecting a teenager to stop being a teenager overnight, which is unreasonable.
Not heard from her today.

I'm happy she has an apprenticeship- she really didn't like school and she went out and arranged this herself before she left school. She's working towards a vocation she genuinely loves.

She is doing well - and KNOWS about hygiene. Was doing well at work. Yesterday I think it was literally her just being damned lazy.

It's these little lazy things that make me feel like she is taking the piss - therefore get me wound up. She knows it too. I think at times she feeds on pissing me off, because if I lose it, I'm the one in wrong not her.
I've sat down and calmed talked this through many times and she agrees...then does it again.

It's always the little things that wind people up as it indicates that the other person just doesn't care. It maybe understandable if she doesn't feel up to undertaking full on housecleaning and perhaps you may feel a bit more understanding and patient about that. But when it's something so minor and trivial, there's really no excuse not to do it other than laziness, complacency and entitlement. Still if she is doing well most of the time, perhaps it may just be easier to let a few things slide as you seem to come off the worse for it.