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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's husband acting like a knob

78 replies

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 20:55

Quick backstory - posted this on chat a couple of days ago, but it's escalated.

OH and I were due at friend's house for dinner a couple of weeks ago. OH was 45 minutes late (I'd gone up earlier). We thought it was a relaxed supper, they'd planned something more formal. OH apologised for being late on arrival. Had a lovely evening, no idea friend's OH was upset. He had a hissy fit after we left about OH being rude and disrespectful to her for being late. Has stropped to her about it for nearly 2 weeks. They were due to come for dinner this Sat but he is refusing to come because of this.

Bumped into them this morning at an event. She was lovely, as always. He blanked us and left. She has texted to apologise, but really? WTF? I originally thought we should apologise more formally with a card and flowers, but Mnetters thought that was too much. I now just think he's an utter knob.

Anyway, friend wants to talk. I don't know what to say to her. I actually feel like saying he's not welcome in our house until he apologises for being rude. OH was unintentionally rude but he is being deliberately rude. (BTW the reason for being late - he was at a football game and the friend's OH had thought he'd been to the pub when he hadn't. It always takes him an inexplicably long time to get home though. Friend's OH supports a rival team. Don't know whether that has anything to do with it).

We are good friends and have kids who are friends so have done a lot together as families in the past, including going on holiday together. This really upsets the status quo. OTOH I don't want to be in the company of someone who can do this.

So what do I say to my friend? Diplomacy (I do like her and value her friendship) or the way I really feel? I'm so taken aback at the vehemence of his reaction today that I wonder if he's having a crisis of some sort? It's so beyond normal.

OP posts:

ThomasRichard · 13/11/2016 20:59

Is it part of a pattern of lateness on your side?

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 21:00

No. We're normally early if anything!

OP posts:

Rainydayspending · 13/11/2016 21:00

Meet with her (alone) see what she has to say. Tell her (however it goes really) that you've got a lot to consider and need to think over the whole situation. She may however just want to apologise for the ott.
IF you say he's not welcome then it's just tit for tat deliberately reacting etc.
Don't demand an apology but play it cool, make it clear you're surprised you don't rate one.
Being late is very rude, if it happens frequently then perhsps that is why.

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 21:06

We're not normally late! From what she's already said her OH worked out the amount of time HE thought it should take OH to get to them and assumed the reason it took longer was because he went to the pub. In reality he's a sad git who stays to clap the players off and then waits for the stadium to empty so he doesn't have to fight the crowds. The station is always packed and sometimes he can't get on the first or second trains. The only way he could have avoided this is if he'd left before the final whistle and run up to the station before the crowds, but he hates doing this.

OP posts:

7SunshineSeven7 · 13/11/2016 21:21

I understand him being upset on the night but bloody hell its been over two weeks!

Next time he ignores you do what I've learnt to do, just ask ''I'm sorry do you have a problem with me?''

Either he'll admit it and you can sort it or he'll sulk and say no and you can just keep asking ''Oh, its just you seem like you have a problem with me, that's all, glad you don't though so shall we have dinner on X date.''

notagiraffe · 13/11/2016 21:34

Whatever you do, don't give her a hard time on his behalf. No one should have to negotiate on behalf of a grumpy partner.

TrickyD · 13/11/2016 21:38

Even if it was expected to be a relaxed supper, I think it was rude of your OH to stay to clap the players and wait around for the stadium to clear. Even if he does this usually, he should have been more thoughtful on this occasion even if it meant missing the last few minutes of the game.

However I think your friend's OH is behaving very oddly and I think you should be frank with your friend about how you feel. It may turn out that there is something else about your OH that is buggng him and this lateness took him over the top. Clearing the air is the way to go.

Bluntness100 · 13/11/2016 21:40

I would speak to her, I suspect there is something else going on here. Your husband got there, he could explain at the time why he was late and apologise, so something else is causing the fall out.

Speak to her, she may tell you what it is.

elodie2000 · 13/11/2016 21:42

Just see your friend without the DHs until he gets over it!
(Your DH should have left the game early for once to make it on time though. It wouldn't have killed him.)

NoFucksImAQueen · 13/11/2016 21:58

His reaction is extreme but 45 minutes late because he doesn't like to leave at the final whistle. It's rude to be that late no matter how casual you think the dinner is

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2016 22:05

Your oh was rude. Very.

However your friends other half is being a complete and utter weirdo. Talk about blowing things out of proportion.

LagunaBubbles · 13/11/2016 22:11

I agree with Alisvolatpropiis, both sound as bad as each other and it has been blown out of proportion. Your OH should have left in plenty time to get to friends house in time for dinner.

Wriggler79 · 13/11/2016 22:12

Is there any chance his behaviour is directed at his OH and not at yours at all?

MaudlinNamechange · 13/11/2016 22:16

I think this might be one of those things where some people think "football trumps all" and other people think "football is just a game that you weren't even playing, just watching. Grow up and be where you said you would be, on time"

kissmethere · 13/11/2016 22:17

Sorry your OH should have on this occasion not stayed on as usuuat the match. Ok you didn't realise it was more formal this time but he knows it takes long to get away.
I think you'll find there's more to this than just the lateness issue.

Waltermittythesequel · 13/11/2016 22:19

Your oh was really rude and neither of you seem to give a shit.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it but I would be pissed off!

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2016 22:23

Why do you feel you have to say something to your friend? Your OH was rude. He should have left before the final whistle if that's what he had to do. He should have apologised.
If your friend's DH has complained to her then that's unfair as she can't control you or your DH.
It might be best to meet with your friend without your OHs from now on. assuming you can get over being defensive about your OH's rudeness

Arkhamasylumbertowardsthegrave · 13/11/2016 22:25

Why is he blanking you? You weren't late. Why is he harping on to your friend? It wasn't her fault. If he had a problem with your OH, he should have brought it up with him, instead of going for the extended tantrum.

Neither you nor your friend should get involved, if you can help it. If he doesn't want to come to your house, let him stay at home.

baconandeggies · 13/11/2016 22:25

Your OH was rude and you're friend's partner still has a bee in his bonnet about it. Has your DP apologised to him?

baconandeggies · 13/11/2016 22:27

sorry - re-read OP... Was his apology a jokey one or was it sincere? It sounds from your OP as if you don't really think your DP was much in the wrong?

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 22:34

OH was rude. We've had a lot of discussion about it. We have both apologised to friends. I apologised at the time when it was clear he was late, he apologised when he arrived, friend told me how upset her DH was and I apologised again, then my DH saw friend and apologised for upsetting her. We're not disputing he was rude at all. There is a limit to how many times we can both apologise though!

If this had happened to me, I'd either have said something on the night, or got over it in private. I wouldn't be stewing 2 weeks on and blanking the other couple.

This is undoubtedly a drip feed, apologies, but friend's OH is quite vehement in his political views (totally opposed to mine and OH's), and spoilt OH's birthday dinner by ranting about Brexit (in favour of). To the point that people were moving to get away from him and one couple left early. I was really hacked off that he'd chosen this event to mount his political soapbox, and he was really quite obnoxious, but because I really like my friend, when she apologised on his behalf the next day (needless to say he didn't), I said it was fine, and we put it behind us. DH and I ranted to each other about it after the party, but then got over it.

I think he/they should be acting in a similar fashion. We all get it a bit wrong sometimes, and part of friendships is accepting each others' limitations and inadequacies and liking them regardless. I don't think that's what is happening here.

OP posts:

ChuckGravestones · 13/11/2016 22:37

Id meet wth her and just say 'yes he was late. First time for everything. Now, some cake' and never talk about it again. It is giving it far more headspace than it ever needed to have.

Lollollollol · 13/11/2016 22:38

Did your DH text or call when he was running late?

Your friends DH is being an idiot and dealing with it childishly. Has he behaved like this before?

monkeywithacowface · 13/11/2016 22:38

Your DH sounds quite self centred TBH. If I knew I had plans to go somewhere for dinner I would make an effort to get their on Time not piss around clapping players off the field. I wouldn't hold a grudge for accidental lateness but knowing your dh hung around not fussed about being late would piss me off. That said it's between your dh and the other guy no reason for you and the wife to sort it out for them.

Ditsy4 · 13/11/2016 22:42

Cancel the dinner on Saturday and find a day to take her out for lunch as an apology. Try and agree not to have any meals together until after Christmas and hopefully the two DHs will have calmed down. During the lunch I would let her know that DH hadn't been to the pub but say he should have left before the end. Why on earth did they state a time if they knew he would be at a match. Football matches are notoriously difficult to gauge leaving times and traffic hold ups. Why not just invite an hour later or did they expect you DH not to attend?

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