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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend's husband acting like a knob

78 replies

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 20:55

Quick backstory - posted this on chat a couple of days ago, but it's escalated.

OH and I were due at friend's house for dinner a couple of weeks ago. OH was 45 minutes late (I'd gone up earlier). We thought it was a relaxed supper, they'd planned something more formal. OH apologised for being late on arrival. Had a lovely evening, no idea friend's OH was upset. He had a hissy fit after we left about OH being rude and disrespectful to her for being late. Has stropped to her about it for nearly 2 weeks. They were due to come for dinner this Sat but he is refusing to come because of this.

Bumped into them this morning at an event. She was lovely, as always. He blanked us and left. She has texted to apologise, but really? WTF? I originally thought we should apologise more formally with a card and flowers, but Mnetters thought that was too much. I now just think he's an utter knob.

Anyway, friend wants to talk. I don't know what to say to her. I actually feel like saying he's not welcome in our house until he apologises for being rude. OH was unintentionally rude but he is being deliberately rude. (BTW the reason for being late - he was at a football game and the friend's OH had thought he'd been to the pub when he hadn't. It always takes him an inexplicably long time to get home though. Friend's OH supports a rival team. Don't know whether that has anything to do with it).

We are good friends and have kids who are friends so have done a lot together as families in the past, including going on holiday together. This really upsets the status quo. OTOH I don't want to be in the company of someone who can do this.

So what do I say to my friend? Diplomacy (I do like her and value her friendship) or the way I really feel? I'm so taken aback at the vehemence of his reaction today that I wonder if he's having a crisis of some sort? It's so beyond normal.

OP posts:

Bountybarsyuk · 13/11/2016 22:45

Perhaps we are odd, but one of a couple turning up 45 min late wouldn't bother us at all. If no-one came, fair enough, but we tend to be very informal, people come when they can/when babysitter arrives/when ready and no-one would flap over this, especially if they were elsewhere. This may be because my husband comes from a country, though, where everyone is about 2 hours late as a matter of course, and most people we know don't do formal dinners cooked for a set time, but have longer more relaxed evenings, and people come when they can.

This sounds like a more formal dinner, actually it sounds awful, they sound awful (who wants to be friends with a Brexit ranter), will you really miss the couple friendship at all? I'd stay friends with the wife and body-swerve the formal dinners that have to begin on time and where if you aren't there on the dot, the guy sulks for weeks. Ugh, so not fun!

DrunkenMissOrderly · 13/11/2016 22:46

He probably doesn't like either him or you both anyway. If he liked you he'd have got over it.
It doesn't sound like you like him either though so...

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 22:47

DH is obsessive about his football. It's a big bone of contention between us. Friend and friend's OH know how obsessive he is. DH was cross when I'd organised a dinner on a night that he was at football. He didn't deliberately dawdle, but he wouldn't change his routine for plans I'd made on his behalf. I know this is shit. It's the main thing we argue about.

They knew he was coming from the game. There wasn't a fixed time for dinner as such, as I'd been invited up earlier with the kids, who were sleeping over. He arrived just after all the kids had been put to bed. We had all had a few drinks and chatting whilst the kids watched a film. It wasn't like we were sitting round waiting for him to arrive. He texted when he was on the train and when he was walking up. We knew his eta a while in advance. The 45 minutes late thing comes from how long the friend's DH decided it would take him to get back versus the actual time he arrived. He arrived at 8.15. The kids had just been put to bed and were still awake, so we couldn't have eaten much earlier.

OP posts:

Cucumber5 · 13/11/2016 22:47

Your Dh should have left promptly OR prewarned the couple that he was due to be late by 45 mins.

However he did apologise and the couple should have accepted. The male friend is behaving ridiculously.

blowmybarnacles · 13/11/2016 22:48

I would just stick to seeing your friend on your own, her OH brings nothing to the party except grief.

Lucy7400 · 13/11/2016 22:50

I think I would let the friendship go. You cant really be friends with such an unhinged loon. Its a shame but there you go.

PickAChew · 13/11/2016 22:51

Why was the meal planned for a certain time when you knew he'd take so long to get away from the mstch?

Cucumber5 · 13/11/2016 22:51

Maybe your DH should have text you all when leaving the stadium to keep everyone up to date?

Bountybarsyuk · 13/11/2016 22:51

Who on earth would give a monkey's if someone came at 8.15 on a Sat night? Why would 7.30 have been so much better? That's such an uptight type of arrangement, especially as you were there chilling with the children and he was coming straight from the match.

I'm not getting this at all.

I think the guy is, as you state in your title, a big knob and even his own wife thinks so. I wouldn't be going for relaxing dinners with them again, as they are not relaxing.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/11/2016 22:52

Sounds as if your friend's husband was just dying to have something to hold against you. And your husband just handed it to him on a plate.

He's a knob. Your husband is only marginally better. It would be far nicer for you and your friend never to involve your husbands again.

willconcern · 13/11/2016 22:53

Actually I don't think your DH was that rude. You say he texted when leaving, when on train etc. and they knew he was at the match.

On the other hand, your friend's DH sounds like an arse.

blowmybarnacles · 13/11/2016 22:53

We thought it was a relaxed supper, they'd planned something more formal

If it was something more formal then they should have given a time, surely? but then how can a dinner with kids sleeping over be formal? I'm intrigued.

BlackNo1 · 13/11/2016 22:56

There is a limit on apologies. You've apologised enough. See and speak to your friend while her OH gets over it. I wouldn't fall out over someone else being a stroppy baby.

It was rude to be late but that's not your AIBU. And often lateness can't be helped even with the best intentions. I probably wouldn't have gone to the match but that's me (and again this is not the question you're asking here).
Yes I think your friend's OH is being a knob. I would feel sorry for her having to live with him. It can't be easy if she's moving on from it while he is harbouring resentment.
Something else could be underlying this. Does your friend have any clues?

Original poster

Narnia72 · 13/11/2016 22:59

There are more people coming for dinner than just this couple, so I can't cancel it (and it's my birthday anyway so I'm not!) Friend and I will continue to be friends, I hope, but I think it's pretty clear her DH doesn't like my DH. She's always said he's really fond of me, I guess the silent implication is that he isn't fond of DH.

DH is very laid back and doesn't really mind either way. He has just shrugged it off now and feels he's apologised enough. He's not that bothered about the friendship with the DH, but he does like my friend and she's happy to talk to him, so that's where I guess we'll leave it.

Thanks for all your different perspectives. I think I'll just say (yet again) we are sorry for upsetting them, but was a bit taken aback to have the reaction today. It's then up to her to explain further or leave it.

Drunken - I did like him up until now. I've seen him be similarly stubborn to other people though, and felt uncomfortable, now it's aimed at us I really think it's excessive behaviour. DH was late, he didn't get pissed and grope friend, or insult his children or anything. Fine to be pissed off in private, not fine to be still making a scene 2 weeks on after copious apologies. The ranting we've always just laughed off as "just x" but it can be quite obnoxious and unsavoury.

Bounty - me neither. We don't tend to have formal things (and was surprised this was formal), we do an invitation for any time from 8pm and are fairly relaxed about when people turn up. We have some friends who are notorious for being late, but it doesn't bother us. Certainly wouldn't be blanking them!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 13/11/2016 23:07

but I think it's pretty clear her DH doesn't like my DH. She's always said he's really fond of me, I guess the silent implication is that he isn't fond of DH

I think it's time for the foursome to become a twosome. You and friend maintain your friendship, but I think it's time to phase the husbands out of it.

ElspethFlashman · 13/11/2016 23:15

I think I'll just say (yet again) we are sorry for upsetting them, but was a bit taken aback to have the reaction today.

Don't apologise again. You've apologised 4 times between you.

Just say that it's a real shame your apologies apparently haven't been accepted.

DirtyDancing · 13/11/2016 23:20

Why are you falling out with your friend? This is your husbands issue! Apologies to your friend and let the men- who are both in the wrong here- sort it out. Basically your husband needs to apologies to both of them sincerely

timeisnotaline · 13/11/2016 23:23

Given the amount you/ your oh has apologised , this guy is totally nuts and don't pander to his unreasonableness! (Separately, I might have words to your dh about when football will be a priority. But when we got together my dh thought we couldn't do a weekend away for most of the year because watching the football game was more important so I'm biased. Funnily enough when I decided to go away anyway he was miffed and torn )

chinam · 13/11/2016 23:29

Why are you apologising for your DH and your friend apologising for her DH? They are not children. Let the two of them sort out their issues themselves.

ManaFleet · 13/11/2016 23:29

ChuckGravestones - yes exactly! Has gone on plenty long enough. If you can forgive idiotic Brexit ranting, they can forgive this. The end.

Rubies12345 · 13/11/2016 23:40

Why can't you be friends with this woman without husbands being involved? It's obvious they clash so no more couples events.

P.S I suspect the root of the animosity is the brexit argument not the being late thing

ThisIsReallyNotMyName · 13/11/2016 23:48

Could the OH be upset with your OH about something you're not privy to?

elodie2000 · 14/11/2016 06:35

Just read all of your posts again on this thread OP. Your DH isn't bothered about maintaining a friendship with this man and he, friend's DP, sounds a bit of a knob.
Change the way you meet up with your friend. Forget all the 'couple' stuff. It doesn't work.

OzzieFem · 14/11/2016 06:42

Both your partners sound like arses! I see no reason why you and your girlfriend cannot continue to meet for dinner elsewhere, on your own. Leave the two dickheads at home to mind the kids and go out and have a great time.

Namechanger2015 · 14/11/2016 06:45

Your friend could probably do with your ongoing support if she is married to a sulky twat. Don't let him get in the way of your friendship.

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