Friend's husband acting like a knob

[Narnia72]

Quick backstory - posted this on chat a couple of days ago, but it's escalated.

OH and I were due at friend's house for dinner a couple of weeks ago. OH was 45 minutes late (I'd gone up earlier). We thought it was a relaxed supper, they'd planned something more formal. OH apologised for being late on arrival. Had a lovely evening, no idea friend's OH was upset. He had a hissy fit after we left about OH being rude and disrespectful to her for being late. Has stropped to her about it for nearly 2 weeks. They were due to come for dinner this Sat but he is refusing to come because of this.

Bumped into them this morning at an event. She was lovely, as always. He blanked us and left. She has texted to apologise, but really? WTF? I originally thought we should apologise more formally with a card and flowers, but Mnetters thought that was too much. I now just think he's an utter knob.

Anyway, friend wants to talk. I don't know what to say to her. I actually feel like saying he's not welcome in our house until he apologises for being rude. OH was unintentionally rude but he is being deliberately rude. (BTW the reason for being late - he was at a football game and the friend's OH had thought he'd been to the pub when he hadn't. It always takes him an inexplicably long time to get home though. Friend's OH supports a rival team. Don't know whether that has anything to do with it).

We are good friends and have kids who are friends so have done a lot together as families in the past, including going on holiday together. This really upsets the status quo. OTOH I don't want to be in the company of someone who can do this.

So what do I say to my friend? Diplomacy (I do like her and value her friendship) or the way I really feel? I'm so taken aback at the vehemence of his reaction today that I wonder if he's having a crisis of some sort? It's so beyond normal.

Was it the Spurs v Arsenal match?
Yes I think he's being a knob. What else is there left to say? Hear her out, try not to say too much?

Having read all your posts it doesn't sound to me as though dh was 'late' in the technical sense of the word - there wasn't a fixed time for him to turn up. So i can't see that he did anything wrong!
I'm interested though that it was arranged without dh being consulted - have to admit i would always expect dh to consult me before agreeing 'an evening engagement' - but that is a side issue on this thread!
Anyway, line of least resistance, you say it could make things awkward in the wider group of friends - so i would just get through next saturday (or is friend oh refusing to come now?) as best you can, and then maybe minimise the engagements involving your dh and oh together?

Did you know about this football game before you arranged the meal?

It all sounds to me like a mistake, and not even a big one, and if your friend's husband was any kind of a friend to either one of you he'd have gotten over it by now.

Let them sort it out, if they want to. If they don't then pretend they don't exist when it comes to meeting up with your friend. Go out for meals together instead, otherwise there will be conversations about the missing partner between three of you which isn't right.

I think, as a general rule, the more you apologise, the more angry the other person gets, because clearly, you must have done something very bad, if so many apologies are given. Not logical I know, but I've been on both sides of it and I think it holds true. Don't say sorry any more, it's probably fuelling him more in his righteous indignation.

I think her husband knows something about yours. She won't tell you. He's cross.

Are you sure he was st football ?

BountyBars nails it: lots of people on this thread saying your OH sounds like an isiot too for being late... nah. Sounds like he's done what he could to get away from the football on time (esp if it was Spurs V Arsenal: transport Armageddon).

You can't let this damage your relationship with your friend. But you have to - gently - say to her that you note his behaviour, you don't understand what's driving it and that you thought his blowhard Brexit ranting he seemed a bit overly upset before and is everything ok?

Obviously listen to her response but don't be afraid to say that you are finishing his behaviour a wee bit OTT and that as it's your bday dinner coming up you'd like to ensure you have a good time....?

So he'll either turn up having been warned by his DW to shut it or you can tell him to "chill out" when the rants start.

I ejected someone just like this from my home once and I wasn't sorry. The only reason we don't speak now is the couple was friends with XH.

Know what? This is men being passive aggressive because it's the women who have made the arrangements. They're not keen on each other but I don't think either man is making an effort because it's the oh of their wife's friend.

I'd bet they wouldn't behave like this if it was their friend.

My dad was always like this. Mum's friends never came for dinner cos dad never liked any of the husbands. Mum just had separate female friendships. Mum on the other hand always socialised with dad's friends, even if she didn't click with the wife.

It's just male bullshit, though I'm willing to admit as a divorced woman I have low tolerance for this nowadays.

Actually on reading this thread carefully I wouldn't be surprised if the bloke in question actually was my XH, bloody hell

Your friends husband sounds like a dick. Your DH had already arranged to go to the football when you arranged the dinner, why should he leave early; he wasn't rude at all.
And no way was it a formal dinner; was there a paper invitation? it was arranged as a relaxed evening with friends. Very odd; I would worry that he is trying to isolate your friend from her friends in some way.

I can't believe your friend's husband is being like this. Presumably he doesn't know much about football and actually going to games because if he did he'd know that getting out of a game can take forever.

The fact your husband wasn't actually late, he was just later than the time the husband had allocated him in his own head then invented reasons for it makes it even worse.

Meet your friend, if she brings it up tell her her H is being a knob and needs to give his head a wobble and let her deal with it. This is their problem, not yours.

In fact, after this birthday dinner is over, you and your chum go and do something awesome and leave the kids at home with your OHs.

Christmas is coming so plenty mulled wine and larking about potential.

Having read your updates, I think a PP is right about the male bullshit tbh. Your OH was annoyed you'd infringed on his football so made no effort to leave the match early. Your friend's OH doesn't like your OH so is taking the opportunity to pressure your friend into agreeing with his appraisal of your OH.
Your friend's OH might also be making such a big deal because he does like you and thinks your OH treated you poorly.
But let the men posture and argue amongst themselves.
The only conversation I'd have with your friend would be 'if your oh is still upset with my oh then I understand if he doesn't want to come to my birthday meal. I'd hate there to be an atmosphere'

I always think that if someone's late, whatever they were doing before is more important than seeing you, so I'm always aware when I'm late that someone might be a bit pissed off because it's clear I'd rather do something else.

A place on the couch. The OP's OH had already planned to go to the football match; how is it passive aggressive of him to still go? Maybe the OP should have asked him before making the arrangement? He got to the dinner party at 8.15 or something, that's a totally normal time to arrive at someone's house for dinner. Friend's DH is being a prick.

Your friend may bf having problems with her db she wants to talk with you about, this could just be another thing in a long line of upsets. If it is still rehashing this old thing then I'd go with what APlaceOnTheCouch says about her oh not coming.

With her dh even

Football fans don't leave matches early, unless their team are being gubbed. Even them most won't leave early. Expecting anyone to leave a football match early is not on.

The oh is evidently a prick. 45 mins late is rude but apologies were made at the time.

charley I didn't say it was passive aggressive. I said it was rude to stay in the stadium till everyone else had left when he had agreed to go for dinner. He could have told the hosts he'd be late when he was first invited. He could have left in time since the dinner was important to OP and she feels he prioritises football too much.
I don't subscribe to the view that football comes above and before everything else.

Op's dh had planned to attend the match for months. I know so, because the tickets would have been sold out ages ago. Dh got his months ago. No one leaves a London Derby game, before the very very end. Plus it was a very good game. Dh said so, and we watched it live on tv!! T'was very exciting.

Who would want to leave that, to have dinner with Mr Prick?

Disagree with Couch. Dh loves football and I like it too. And this game was "MAHOOSIVE". One of the biggest games of the season. I was truly excited when Dh told me that he had got a ticket.
Why are you not allowed to prioritise something?

Her dh doesn't like OP's dh because one is an Arsenal fan. And one is a Spurs fan. There is history
I'm surprised they even agree to have dinner with eachother AT ALL!!

Stop apologising. Let the men sort their own ridiculous arguments out - or not. If anyone sulks at the next dinner, ignore them. Enjoy your own friendship with the woman.

If it was the other way round your husbands would be spending literally zero time thinking about this.

It's quite incredible - do people actually live like this? I invite friends for dinner and ask them to come at 8, they may be late they may be early. Who gives a flying fuck? Open the door and welcome them into your home.

This poor beleaguered OH wasn't even late, because no required arrival time was given. Your mistake was apologising and feeding the flame of her self-righteous, smug mince-puppet of a husband. What a dick.

If shed invited us for dinner, I would have said : "really sorry, cant come that week, Dh is off to see Spurs Arsenal. Another time"?

her dh is probably just Dead jealous!! [jealous]

Plus he generally doesn't like other team. I know few football fans that are best friends with their rivals : man city and man u, spurs and arsenal. Yes a few men can rise above this silliness, but I find they are few and far between.