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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have turned the car around and come home?

115 replies

Peachypeaches · 13/11/2016 10:19

My DS(14) and I have been planning on going shopping today to our nearest big city (hours drive) to get him a new hoodie, trainers and football boots, have lunch at his favourite restaurant and do a tiny bit of Christmas shopping. We've both been looking forward to it.

We'd been driving for about 15 minutes when a song came on the radio that was playing when I had a really nasty car crash a few years ago. I said what the song was, and he laughed and turned the radio up so loud on purpose that he blew the speakers. It's quite an old car and he knows not to play music too loud as I was already worried about the speakers.

AIBU to have turned the car around and come home? I haven't shouted or anything, just told him that I was disappointed. He's upset and I'm upset and I couldn't imagine taking him into town for a treat day after he's done that. He's normally completely lovely, no teenage issues. I feel awful though, have I overreacted?

OP posts:
Isitjustmeorisiteveryoneelse · 13/11/2016 14:01

He did a silly unthinking thing, YANBU to go back home, but WOW what a way for him to have apologised and made up with you. He sounds like a lovely boy, and you sound a like a brilliant parent. Hope you both enjoy your reboot shopping trip!

Niggit · 13/11/2016 14:07

YANBU. And I completely agree with what NeepNeepNeep said.

He sounds lovely, BTW.

Damselindestress · 13/11/2016 14:15

I don't think you overreacted by taking him home. What he did was insensitive and he's realised that and apologised. It's a learning experience that wouldn't have happened if you'd ignored the incident. That said now he's apologised I'd carry on with the day out but I would accept his offer to contribute towards the speakers. He was old enough to understand about not turning them up too loud so this will show him that even though he has apologised there are still natural consequences of his actions like new speakers needing to be bought.

EnoughAlready43 · 13/11/2016 14:34

I wouldn't take him anywhere today.
There has to be consequences for his actions.
You are rewarding him and that to me is wrong.

PterodactylToenails · 13/11/2016 14:41

I think it was OTT sorry. I would have had a little moan but then carried on with our day. Teenagers do silly things.

Waxlyrically · 13/11/2016 14:44

Sounds like teenage humour going wrong - my son would do this sort of thing to lighten the mood. He sounds like a really nice and genuine lad and I hope you enjoy your day together. I would ask him to contribute towards the speakers, but not pay for them all, as for me that's reflective of real life. Even if you do do something by accident or misjudge things there is usually a consequence of sorts.

RitchyBestingFace · 13/11/2016 14:47

I think you did the right thing. I think he learned from it and did the right thing. You both seem thoughtful, emotionally intelligent and loving.

you weirdos Grin

DeleteOrDecay · 13/11/2016 14:47

YANBU op. Sounds like he'd made a massive error in judgement and that needed to be addressed.

But as he's apologised and seemed genuinely upset I would try and carry on with the day as planned. Which is what it seems like you've done anyway. Hope you both have a nice time.

Justaboy · 13/11/2016 14:54

The car radio blew a fuse you blew a fuse, fusees can be repaired:)

What was the tune if you want to say!?

Saracen · 13/11/2016 14:56

"I wouldn't take him anywhere today.
There has to be consequences for his actions.
You are rewarding him and that to me is wrong."

That's how to train a dog, not a rational person.

There was a consequence for his actions. The consequence was that he hurt his mum and felt awful about it. You underestimate him if you think that wasn't worse than missing a day out. If his mum routinely treated him in a petty way then he wouldn't feel so bad about hurting her, and maybe she WOULD have to resort to tit-for-tat punishments like cancelling a day out.

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 13/11/2016 14:58

Hope it all goes well op. Teen's empathy button can sometimes malfunction and what is meant as daft humour can backfire and be hurtful. So ywnu to turn around because sometimes it's quite good to remind them that we're human and have feelings too. After anything like this it'll be the steps that happen after the event that matter most. Your DS's apology suggest the pause for a bit of reflection did no harm and hopefully you'll both go on to have a lovely time when you resume.

EnoughAlready43 · 13/11/2016 14:58

No - its not how you train a dog. That's just daft.

How will he learn if there isn't consequences? No-one wants to raise that kid who grows into that "full on guy" who takes everything too far.

SapphireStrange · 13/11/2016 15:00

Enough, he seems remorseful and to understand why the OP was upset. He's apologised. That's adequate, isn't it?

WLF46 · 13/11/2016 15:03

A better reaction would have been to pull the car over and explain there and then how hurt you were. This would have put him in a situation of having to immediately apologise, in which case your day could continue, or refuse to apologise, in which case you would be justified in taking him straight home and punishing him.

People make stupid mistakes, especially children.

You should also seek some kind of therapy to help your anxiety about that particular song. You reacted in a certain way today, but you may react less safely in future.

stonecircle · 13/11/2016 15:20

How will he learn if there isn't consequences?

Enough - he's learnt because he upset his mum which in turn upset him. What more is needed?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 13/11/2016 15:27

cd you sound delightful. I'm presuming nothing traumatic has ever happened to you and I hope for your sake it stays like that.

There's a particular song I can't listen to as we had it at my Dad's funeral. Maybe that makes me ridiculous to you.

OP, I think you did the right thing. Your son sounds lovely - he knows how upset you were and has genuinely apologised. I hope you've had a lovely day in spite of everything.

Katy07 · 13/11/2016 15:54

He actually sounds like a sweet lad who did something a bit twattish (and it was unfortunate but presumably not deliberate that he buggered the speakers). Just start the day again & still include everything originally planned because he was obviously upset and full of remorse.
He's 14 - his behaviour since getting home sounds as perfect as you'd ever get. Feel free to tell him that he's done the right thing!

Katy07 · 13/11/2016 15:55

And EnoughAlready - that's how to get a surly teenager that turns into someone that avoids you. Hmm

stonecircle · 13/11/2016 15:58

Pink sparkly - I can't bear to listen to any of the music played at my mum or dad's funerals. I also break out in a cold sweat every time traffic stops moving on a motorway as a friend of mine had to do that and someone (on his mobile) went into the back of her car and killed her. But maybe we both need to get a grip ...

CustardShoes · 13/11/2016 16:38

He sounds like a sweet boy underneath normal teenage impulsiveness. Hope you have a nice afternoon.

giraffesCantReachTheirToes · 13/11/2016 16:48

Well done op

Raised a child who has made a mistake. Able to see that and to apologise.

Hope rest of day went well x

Topseyt · 13/11/2016 17:24

Enough, he saw how much he upset his mum and was remorseful. So he has already seen the consequences of his actions and was trying to atone for them.

Where is the need for further punishment? We are talking about a genuinely sorry teenage boy who understood where he had gone wrong, not a selfish and tantrum-prone toddler.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 13/11/2016 17:34

Aw it sounds like the day was salvaged.

FWIW I think you dealt with it well, you and your son obviously have a great relationship, can talk and express feelings and he feels happy being able to speak to you.

corythatwas · 13/11/2016 17:39

I think you both got through this well: he did something unkind because he couldn't handle his emotions at seeing his mum vulnerable, you showed that you were hurt, he apologised and tried to make it up to you

all sounds good to me

Enough, you are assuming that he will learn more through mechanical tick-box punishments than from actually having to put himself in his mum's shoes and understanding how she feels. I'd say that is how to raise a guy who is full on and without empathy for the feelings of others. The OP otoh has raised a boy who will gradually be learning to behave because he understands the impact of his behaviour on others.

Hulababy · 14/11/2016 18:33

YANBU

He acted in an uncaring and insensitive manner.
You did not over react. You responded to the upset.
Had you gone straight into town and continued he would have not had chance to think about the consequences of his actions and no lesson would have been learned. And you would have still felt upset and unsettled by his actions/ It would ave overshadowed the day and it would not have been fun or rewarding for either of you.
However, by going home (you were still fairly close by after all) you've both had time out. And with a little time to think it over, he has apologised and most likely learned a lesson, a valuable one.
Your lovely day out can start again without being overshadowed by what happened earlier. Have fun, go for lunch, chat and enjoy each other's company.

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