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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to have turned the car around and come home?

115 replies

Peachypeaches · 13/11/2016 10:19

My DS(14) and I have been planning on going shopping today to our nearest big city (hours drive) to get him a new hoodie, trainers and football boots, have lunch at his favourite restaurant and do a tiny bit of Christmas shopping. We've both been looking forward to it.

We'd been driving for about 15 minutes when a song came on the radio that was playing when I had a really nasty car crash a few years ago. I said what the song was, and he laughed and turned the radio up so loud on purpose that he blew the speakers. It's quite an old car and he knows not to play music too loud as I was already worried about the speakers.

AIBU to have turned the car around and come home? I haven't shouted or anything, just told him that I was disappointed. He's upset and I'm upset and I couldn't imagine taking him into town for a treat day after he's done that. He's normally completely lovely, no teenage issues. I feel awful though, have I overreacted?

OP posts:

DianaMitford · 13/11/2016 10:50

He does sound a lovely boy! Give him his treat day :)

Topseyt · 13/11/2016 10:52

Oh, and I would say a nice lunch and a chat would be very healing.

He pays half towards new speakers.

Grilledaubergines · 13/11/2016 10:54

Start the day again, including the lunch. Shit happens, he knows it was a thoughtless thing to do.

LaurieMarlow · 13/11/2016 11:06

Definitely start again. Bless him, he sounds very sorry.

stonecircle · 13/11/2016 11:06

You weren't at all wrong to start the day again. Perhaps in the circumstances I may have just pulled over and said I felt so upset I wouldn't be able to drive for a bit and waited to see if he understood what he'd done to me. But I'm not renowned for my moderate reactions with my teenagers!

But he sounds lovely, is clearly upset to have upset you. I would absolutely start the day again and I would absolutely have a lovely lunch as it will be a good opportunity to chat about things and nurture the strong bond you clearly have.

Catsize · 13/11/2016 11:08

Start again. He sounds very nice. An ill-judged thing to do but he is a teenager. Still go for lunch. Ask him to buy pudding if he has that sort of money and call it quits.

PurpleMinionMummy · 13/11/2016 11:10

That was quite a mean thing to do. However if it's out of character and he's apologised and genuinely upset I'd go and have your day as planned. We all put our foot in it sometimes in life and its obviously out of character.

EmmaMacGill · 13/11/2016 11:15

I'm glad you've made up and hope you have a good day together today.
FWIW I would probably have done the same thing
He will get over it and learn an important lesson too.

Mrstumbletap · 13/11/2016 11:16

Awwww OP you have raised the boy that I want my son to turn into! He did a silly thing yes, (we all do we aren't perfect) but he didn't then go into a massive sulk/grump about not getting his things bought for him. He went to his room, cried, thought about it, made you a tea, apologised and offered to pay for the speakers! That's a win in my eyes!

Out of interest and not to copy your parenting style at all what did you say/do after the speakers blew? Did you shout? Cry? Go silent? What did you say to him on the 15 minute drive home?

DoItTooJulia · 13/11/2016 11:22

Have you seen the TED talk about teenagers? There's an experiment where you have to move things in a grid from another persons perspective. Teenagers just can't do it-they struggle with the whole someone else's perspective part of the test.

I think that's what happened in the car. At least he realised afterwards.

Who'd be a teenager again, eh? Have a lovely day together.

Saracen · 13/11/2016 11:23

It sounds like you've both handled it really well.

I also have very lovely kids who would hardly ever do such a thing, and would be sorry immediately once they realised how out of line they had been. I don't think a calculated automatic "You've been bad so I am cancelling our outing" is appropriate for such kids. Once they've grasped what they've done, their conscience will punish them enough.

But I have a bit of a temper and I have sulked and "punished" my children in just the way you describe. I always regret it. Now I try to buy myself some time before doing anything rash.

If I had been in your situation then I'd like to think I would have pulled the car over, told my kid how upset I was, and said that I wasn't feeling like taking him into town at this moment but I needed some time to calm down. Maybe go for a walk or go home for a while but leave the possibility open that I might take him out later after all. I know I can make bad decisions in the heat of the moment and if I can put those decisions off then it is better for everybody.

Sometimes I make mistakes and overreact and if I later feel that I've done that then I say so, and they understand.

FireSquirrel · 13/11/2016 11:24

Maybe he didn't know how to handle the emotion of the moment and tried to alleviate it by doing something "humorous"? Obviously with hindsight this was a bad choice but teenagers' brains aren't mature yet and he possibly panicked.

This. Sounds like he was trying to deflect an awkward situation with humour, it's actually quite common for people to laugh at inappropriate times. Ill judged perhaps but not deliberate and certainly not malicious. I think some of the responses are a bit harsh, he doesn't sound mean or nasty at all.

Cguk81 · 13/11/2016 11:27

Oh my goodness your son sounds really lovely! When I think what I was like at 14 it was hundred times worse. Even if I was the one in the wrong I would go in the huff for days and be an utterly nightmare. Please still give him a lovely day out!!

SatsukiKusakabe · 13/11/2016 11:28

He sounds lovely - please forgive him and take him out to lunch!

We all do stupid random things when we are teenagers that at the time seem funny or ok. It's how we deal with them that counts and it sounds like he understands.

I think it might have been the excitement of the day - kids often sabotage themselves in this way just out of not quite knowing how to deal with their feelings properly. I think you did the right thing, but have a good day now and put it behind you. I think having the worst happen (ie he spoiled the day, but was able to resolve it) may be the lesson he needed.

Fairenuff · 13/11/2016 11:29

Golden opportunity for you OP. Forgive him, forget about it, have a lovely day together. But make sure you tell him that when you fuck up you would appreciate the same forgiveness from him.

(Maybe just don't say fuck)

SapphireStrange · 13/11/2016 11:31

I can see why you were upset, but he's obviously thought about it and done his best to make up. He sounds like a lovely, well-brought-up kid. I'd say go for the day out, including lunch.

EweAreHere · 13/11/2016 11:33

I would have done the same. YWNBU.

It's given him the time he needed to think and realize that actions have consequences. He's sorry, he's apologized, and he's offered to make it right to the best of his ability.

Now you move on.

MrsMcMoo · 13/11/2016 11:34

Have a nice lunch together, you'll both feel better for it.

horizontilting · 13/11/2016 11:35

This. exactly what PCDC and FireSquirrel said. He maybe couldn't cope with the sudden reminder of what had happened to you and tried to flee from the feeling, doing something impulsive. It wouldn't have been a deliberate intention to scare you at all . Especially as he can't even explain himself what he was thinking. Just like it must have been very hard for you to get a sudden reminder of your trauma. It sounds like you are raising a lovely boy though, from how he's reacting now. Just the sort the world is going to need in the next generation.

mundoespanol · 13/11/2016 11:39

Glad its all worked out, I just wonder if it brought back bad memories for him- was he born when you had the accident? Perhaps he reacted like that as he didnt know how else to react?!

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 13/11/2016 11:42

He's still a kid, they come out with daft stuff sometimes, but he was out of order, you did the right thing. 💐

Magpie18 · 13/11/2016 11:44

He was being daft & you didn't overreact - but he sounds lovely (and I'll take him to lunch if you won't). Make the most of your time with your beautiful boy

NeepNeepNeep · 13/11/2016 11:48

He felt ashamed. He sincerely made amends. Wipe the slate clean and have a nice lunch. You'll be remembered as a forgiving, understanding mum and one day when he needs to admit to a bigger mistake he will be able to come to you.

VladimirsPooTin · 13/11/2016 11:50

You've taught him a valuable lesson here and YANBU.

Rachel0Greep · 13/11/2016 11:58

Do start over and have the day as planned.
Hope you are okay, an association with something horrible that comes at you unexpectedly, such as the song did, can be very upsetting. He probably didn't think, in the moment, how much it would upset you.

The day will do you both good.

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