Screaming at kid

[Henrysmycat]

More of a WWYD than AIBY.... But I'm desperate. Very long post.
Here after another sleepless night with my mind in turmoil again.
I think I'm a fairly good mother, DD who's 8, seems like a happy child; always singing, talking, at the near top of her class, healthy with all the material trappings of well off kid. while she has pretty much a lot she's no spoilt. She's loved and cherished by all of us.
Trouble is me. Evenings is when my tiredness hits me after 10 hours at a very stressful job dealing with chauvinistic, sexist Americans with hardly any sleep so everything sets me off. I end up screaming at her. It's usually, coming in from afterschool club and instead of doing homework, she sits on the telly. After the 5th time to switch it off, I end up screaming at her, grabbing the remote and give her an angry look that makes her cry. Homework is fraught and after the 3rd trip to go sharpen her pencil, I loose it again. Dinner is tough because all foods except pasta and pizza are no good. Cue screaming after a hour at the table to eat 1 flaming broccoli floret. By then is 7.30-8 and the bedtime takes for ever. After 4th time to tell her to brush her teeth but get ignored, I end up screaming again and end up slapping her bum. On top of everything we have additional stuff like for example yesterday: She has cat onesie with a massive stuffer hoodie to look like a cat head. It's uncomfortable to sleep with but she was stubborn to do so. I try to take it off her and we ended up arguing, screaming and me ending up extremely wounded up.
My husband helps and we share everything but every time I do her care, I can't do it right. She has told me point blank that she's a daddy's girl so I'm wondering if it's my behaviour, tiredness or general MH that fucks it up. I'm an anxious person and from what I can see with a short fuse too.
As a side story, I have an housebound mother, in a neighbouring country so while I visit every two months for weekends and some holidays she expects me to call her every day and spend an hour on the phone on average. I feel sorry for her as she's quite lonely. So while I cook after work while homework is being done, we talk with my mum. I also have the financial responsibility of my parents and helping a sibling come out of a financial ruining divorce.
I fall in bed at 10.30 sleep for an couple of hours if lucky and then spend the rest of the night contemplating all my failures at work, home life etc.
To the outsider, I'm an extremely well educated, highly paid individual with the perfect family and blah blah. Inside me, it's a struggle.
So you understand, all these make a bad mix. I don't know what to do to stop my screaming. It's affecting my child and I don't want to be a failure of a mother.
Any ideas?

It's not a bad thing neon. It's just not helpful here either

Sounds like you are both very tired after a long day. She has been in school all day plus an after school club, could you grant her half an hour of tv time when she gets home? She needs some downtime when she gets home as do you! You could use this time to relax, have a cup of tea next to her on the sofa or have a shower. Then tackle homework. Can you arrange to do something nice together on a weekend? Just the two of you?

You expect her to do homework after an after school club with no down time and then you force her to eat broccoli and wear pyjamas of your choice as well as screaming and hitting her ? Let her watch as much tele as she wants , pizza/pasta every evening , and wear a hooded onesie to bed . Minimal effort on homework and more time spent enjoying each other's company.

DH & I both work full time. we have a nanny 3 afternoons a week and it's made a world of difference. She picks up the dc, helps with homework, makes dinner and cleans up. On her days dh & I come home to a clean house, dinner in the oven and happy, relaxed children. I don't have to do anything when I get in except have a chat with them, read them stories and get them into bed. If this is an option for you, I'd highly recommend it.

I opened this thread wondering if you were my neighbour talking about me. You are not alone.

I feel your stress. I fly solo most of the time and by a thursday my evening stress levels are through the roof (very shouty and no tolerance)

Iv sat kids down and we have a nightime planner. We get in they have option of a drink then straight into homework - I keep a homework set of pencils, rubbers ect so it's all there ready no excuse. With my 8 yr old I can pretty much leave them to it while working with 5 yr old.

Dinner gets put on the table and they have 30 mins to eat it after that it's cleared away. If they havnt eaten it tough. At least two nights it's something they love ie spag bol (with loads hidden veg) and pitta pizza which they help make.

If refuse to go and brush then it's early bedtime next night or less gadget time.

I count A LOT. They have until count of 5 to do what iv asked then there's a consequence - saved so much nagging and shouting

Oh and iv stopped cooking 2 nights as they have school dinners. So they can have sandwhich or chesse and crackers with yohurt and fruit. Saves me time

I always try to read to them or play quiet game before bed to try and reconnect or I'd just be horrible shouty mummy

Tbh, treat a child as you would an adult you like and respect. Would you expect to tell them what to eat? To wear? To respond well to being shouted at and slapped? Probably not.

She's not a grown up in waiting, she is a person NOW and deserves to receive that respect. She has a looong day for her age, let her chill and watch TV for a bit. Then eat (agree about not calling mum every day, sounds like she gets more attention than your child) and let her choose what to eat. If she won't eat what is given, fruit and yogurt instead is nutritious. Or I quite often give mine a little platter with some ham, cheese, tomatoes/cucumber/carrot, a boiled egg maybe, some nuts and fruit instead. Very easy but all good stuff. Then after dinner sit with her and chat, cuddle, do homework. Let her choose what to wear for bed.

You are trying to be everything to everyone and failing, this isn't fair on anyone especially you. Be a bit lazier, focus on your relationship and closeness with her being a priority for a while.

I also second seeing a GP as well.

I'm amazed by how many people seem to think it is reasonable to expect an 8 year old who has already had a long day at school/afterschool club to come in and do homework. Does it not occur to people that children need to relax for a couple of hours at the end of the day? What is the harm in watching television when they come in from school/after school club if that is what they want to do? If they never get a chance to relax and do what they want to do they probably won't do so well at school anyway so it is counterproductive to keep making them work.

Peaceful parenting is a good book, as is hoe to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk.

marynary I agree . This thread has really shocked me - can't believe anyone thinks an 8 year old should knuckle down and study when they get home. I'm a teacher, my dh and I have 6 degrees between us and I value education. I have three kids and my school age dds are happy, healthy & Clever. That's on minimal homework ( until high school age) and eat what you like within reason. Tele, play and laze around after school to recharge . Has done my kids no harm .

Absolutely Marynary.

As an aside - homework is normal in some schools. DD finishes school at 3.45 and then has 2 or 3 subjects a night which is between 60-90 mins. She is 9

I think the word 'abuse ' is too freely bandied around. Clearly she is not abusing her child, so get a grip

The op describes a typical evening as her screaming at her dc FOUR separate times in an evening, culminating in slapping her bum.

I'm no saint. I've shouted, far to loudly, at the dc a couple of times, and felt awful for it. Sometimes i'm grumpy and sometimes I snap (as in, my tone of voice is snappy).

Screaming at them multiple times every night? That's constant and that's abusive.

There seem to be a couple of things here, firstly looking after yourself so you can look after your daughter.
Then the relationship with your daughter, it sounds strained at the moment, I found "love bombing" terrible name great idea, worked very well when my daughter and I needed to connect after looking after another child caused her to feel left out.
The day to day parenting could be made easier by using a tutor to help with homework. I hate homework and my kids love their tutor, win win.
If you are a reader you may find doing an Amazon search for calmer parenting produces a range of books to read and pick up ideas.
I am sure things can get better.

Giddyuncle - some people say scream when they mean shout. It doesn't sound like abuse, it sounds like a knackered woman at the end of her tether, trapped in a shitty cycle of exhaustion and a fraught relationship with her daughter who says she's a "daddy's girl" - so you have a child who's learned "the game" where mum says to do something and the child says no. It's a destructive cycle and needs to be broken.

OP there's been a lot of advice so far, some more helpful/understanding than others! I would say to disengage. Give your daughter responsibility to do her own homework. Remind her that it needs to be done by x but that it's up to her when she does it. If she leaves it til Sunday, or doesn't do it at all then aged 8 is a good age to learn the lesson. Better to get that nailed now than at 14/15!

Dinner - put it on the table, eat it or don't eat it, but no alternatives. If she's wants to go to bed hungry that's up to her.

Let her get herself ready for bed. If she wants to wear ridiculous clothes that's her lookout; if she wakes with a sore neck, that's her lookout!

Essentially I'm saying give her the space to be a bit more grown up.

My SDs have both been babied in the extreme. Their mum is South American - I'm not sure if that's a cultural thing - but when you have a 10 year old who can't look after her own hair, needs reminding to brush teeth etc I think that's not ideal.

OP you're doing your best, but take the time to recalibrate. Less is more xx

Sorry if this has already been mentioned but there's a brilliant book called Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting and I've found it's really helped my DC and me with communication. Maybe give it a try alongside some of the other suggestions

Really sorry to hear this.

You really, really need a firm routine & pocket money contingent upon adherence. Don't worry about what she wears to bed. Either she comes home and watches TV for a half hour or does homework, which you choose hardly matters but you must decide and stick to it at all costs.

While I am (too) generous with the screens, I don't allow TV on normal school nights until homework is done - but they have dinner straight away and then a shower, so they feel relaxed and happy when they start.

If you're feeling charitable, you might try to get her involved in grocery shopping or cooking on the weekends so she could expand her horizons, otherwise I agree you offer her dinner and if she doesn't like it, give her a healthy but not terribly appetising plan B. When I was growing up, if we didn't like the supper on offer we could have cereal, which is what i now offer my kids.

Screaming at them multiple times every night? That's constant and that's abusive.

I yell all the time. Some people are very zen and good on them, I wish I were, but I don't know a lot of them.

YouSpinmeRound Is that at a private school? I think I would change schools if my children got that amount at that age because it's so unnecessary and probably counterproductive. I think DD, aged 13 only gets about 60 to 90 minutes a night and she's at a very competitive grammar school.

I feel you. Don't argue over food. Just make food ( you can always include a small portion of something healthyish she will eat) let her eat or leave what she likes. If you stick to your guns and don't allow any snacks later, it will help over time.

I was like this up until a few months ago snappy and had a really short fuse with my DD age 3 and I felt like a shit mum I had a million things on and wasn't sleeping. In the end the Gp put me on a small dose of AD and it's turned everything around for me. I'm calmer I sleep better and I'm so much more patient now and I feel like a better mum than ever. Hope you get some help u sound like your trying your absolute hardest but everyone needs a helping hand some times 💐

There's a massive difference between a shout and a scream...but even a shout, as in shouting at the dc, multiple times every evening I would class as bordering on emotionally abusive. It wears you down, it affects your mood. I would be bloody depressed and miserable to be shouted at several times in a night after work.

Despite that, the op has described her 'loosing it' - which sounds far more than your standard raised voice IMO.

Like I posted previously - i'm not a saint or a perfect parent by any means. I'm not trying to make the op feel guilty or worse...but I find all the 'aw don't worry op, i'm sure you're trying your best' type posts concerning.

I'm sure the op IS trying her best but to me it sounds like she has serious anger management issues that she needs to address with a professional, not be told it's normal and carry on trying.

In the end the Gp put me on a small dose of AD and it's turned everything around for me

OP do try the Vitamin B route, it is a healthier option with the same results.

I've got to agree with mybloodyuncle. There's a power differential between parent & child & while the OP wants to be a good mum, she does have an anger issue & control issues. I don't think it's helpful to normalize it either.

Rhodiola makes me chill, that & B might help, but imo mindfulness would help here too.

You are expecting your child to be able to manage her behaviour better than you are managing your own.

Your expectations are completely unreasonable.

I don't think putting in place a few simple strategies is really going to help that much, I think you have some serious problems that need addressing.
I would look to see if you can do a parenting course, maybe something on anger management. Your school may have a counsellor who might have some avenues of support.