Screaming at kid

[Henrysmycat]

More of a WWYD than AIBY.... But I'm desperate. Very long post.
Here after another sleepless night with my mind in turmoil again.
I think I'm a fairly good mother, DD who's 8, seems like a happy child; always singing, talking, at the near top of her class, healthy with all the material trappings of well off kid. while she has pretty much a lot she's no spoilt. She's loved and cherished by all of us.
Trouble is me. Evenings is when my tiredness hits me after 10 hours at a very stressful job dealing with chauvinistic, sexist Americans with hardly any sleep so everything sets me off. I end up screaming at her. It's usually, coming in from afterschool club and instead of doing homework, she sits on the telly. After the 5th time to switch it off, I end up screaming at her, grabbing the remote and give her an angry look that makes her cry. Homework is fraught and after the 3rd trip to go sharpen her pencil, I loose it again. Dinner is tough because all foods except pasta and pizza are no good. Cue screaming after a hour at the table to eat 1 flaming broccoli floret. By then is 7.30-8 and the bedtime takes for ever. After 4th time to tell her to brush her teeth but get ignored, I end up screaming again and end up slapping her bum. On top of everything we have additional stuff like for example yesterday: She has cat onesie with a massive stuffer hoodie to look like a cat head. It's uncomfortable to sleep with but she was stubborn to do so. I try to take it off her and we ended up arguing, screaming and me ending up extremely wounded up.
My husband helps and we share everything but every time I do her care, I can't do it right. She has told me point blank that she's a daddy's girl so I'm wondering if it's my behaviour, tiredness or general MH that fucks it up. I'm an anxious person and from what I can see with a short fuse too.
As a side story, I have an housebound mother, in a neighbouring country so while I visit every two months for weekends and some holidays she expects me to call her every day and spend an hour on the phone on average. I feel sorry for her as she's quite lonely. So while I cook after work while homework is being done, we talk with my mum. I also have the financial responsibility of my parents and helping a sibling come out of a financial ruining divorce.
I fall in bed at 10.30 sleep for an couple of hours if lucky and then spend the rest of the night contemplating all my failures at work, home life etc.
To the outsider, I'm an extremely well educated, highly paid individual with the perfect family and blah blah. Inside me, it's a struggle.
So you understand, all these make a bad mix. I don't know what to do to stop my screaming. It's affecting my child and I don't want to be a failure of a mother.
Any ideas?

It's a tough one OP. I think the problem is 2 folds and you need to:

1. get profesional help for your anxiety, starting with GP, hopefully when that is under control you can sleep more,

2. relinquish control over your daughter and let her bear the consequences of her choices (except for the teethbrushing, but perhaps she can do it with you? She is still young to be doing it alone).

Don't ring your mum at the same time as you're trying to supervise homework and cook dinner. That's a disaster. Give your dd your attention.

You need to sort your sleeping too. I can see you have a lot going on and you're stressed, but don't take it out on your dd.

Can she do homework at after school club?

Get her involved with making tea. But don't make it into a battle. How about some picky teas - lay out a picnic selection of food and let her help herself. I agree with NotKidding about a timetable for after school: you're in charge.

Don't get drawn into arguments about the remote; just switch off the TV.
Don't argue; walk away.

There are plenty of parenting books out there. I recommend www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00APJOY3A/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 and www.amazon.co.uk/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/149262988X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1478851610&sr=8-1&keywords=123+magic

It sounds like a very long day for your daughter. I can understand why she wants to wind down after school and not do homework. I hate the idea of homework for kids this age.
Understand what you mean about work etc causing your short fuse - I have a stressful job in the criminal justice system. Just want to relax at home and not have more battles.

Stop slapping her. This is completely unacceptable.

How about some picky teas - lay out a picnic selection of food and let her help herself

The answer to picky eaters isn't to do them a buffet every night, is it?

I was having a very similar problem to you. After a string of very stressful events in my life over the last few years I found I was becoming extremely irritable with my partner and children. I could hear myself giving out and I knew I sounded so horrible but couldn't seem to control myself. So I went to the GP last week as I recognised the way I was behaving wasn't normal or good. I got a prescription for an anxiety medication. The GP said in wouldn't see the benefit for 2 or 3 weeks but I found almost immediately I was much much less irritable. The things which had been making me feel angry before don't get to me as much now. I don't get the overwhelming physical feeling of being stressed. I still get annoyed when my children are fighting but I can respond more calmly. I feel less worried about things I'd been dwelling on. Also, I realise now that I had not been able to enjoy the happy things in life - now I actually look forward to doing things whereas before everything seemed a bit pointless and boring

Your work related stress and tiredness combined with family stress can make the best of us verbally lash out. Sounds like your job is the cause of most of your stress. Something needs to change to reduce your burden.

Trifle we were advised to give our very picky eater some control back over her meals, so rather than serving a huge portion of something she didn't really like and then getting into a power struggle (as is happening here), we moved to serving food in dishes, with everyone helping themselves. The alternative meal was bread, cheese and tomato, and she could have that without comment.

My picky eater now eats what we are eating, served by me. Sometimes you have to go back before you go forward.

OP- you seem locked in a giant power struggle every night over really trivial and basic things. Only you can really change that. You do need to get on top of your anxiety/depression/stress yourself, as this is dominating your parenting. It can be fixed though and you can lower yor emotional tone, I've done it.

Then you can start working on parenting strategies in which you don't engage in the struggle- I'd say calmly 'ok, you haven't cleaned your teeth, what a shame you won't be able to have any sweets/puddings until you clean your teeth twice a day. Let me know when you have done it' and walk away. This is a natural consequence, and most 8 year olds understand if you don't brush your teeth, then sweets will rot them! You are getting caught up in the fight of 'being right' and losing your temper time and time again over things that are not that important (I don't mean give in and just let her do nothing, but let the natural consequences unfold). Just walk away and practice being calm, you may have to fake this to begin with but you will get there.

At the moment you are not a good mother, you are a violent and aggressive parent. You and your H need to work out why that is at stop the behaviour. You have a long, tiring and stressful day, DD also has a long and tiring day. Work out what can change and then make those changes. Homework done at after school club, tv will be going off at time, then calmly turn the tv off, pasta and pizza for dinner won't hurt her for a while but de-escalates broccoli wars. As for the hour long telephone calls you simply don't have the time to indulge your mother, be firm and tell her you will ring at the weekend for a long chat and once midweek for a quick chat and stick to that schedule. Don't like your job? Well look for another position but in the mean time removing the stress in your life may help. Go and see your GP and talk about the not sleeping and your behaviour, they may be able to help. Whatever you do stop slapping your child because you are stressed.

It sounds tough. I think that you need to "lower" your expectations really and pick your battles. Try not to get so worked up about whether she does or doesn't eat her food. I don't really blame her for wanting to watch television when she gets in from after school club. She must be really tired so what is the problem with her watching television until tea. She is only 8 so surely doesn't get that much homework? Can't it just be done at the weekend? That is what we used to when my children when that age. I never expected more than a bit of reading before bedtime after they have been at school and afterschool club.

I found that the evenings were much less stressful when I stopped sending the kids to after school club. Instead I got someone to pick them up from school each day. She brought them home, gave them a snack, let them watch tv, and set a time for them to do some homework.

The difference was amazing. When I got home the kids were happy and relaxed, they had time to chill after school and do a little homework, and most of the time they were fed. They could even have friends over to play. I found it was actually cheaper than after school club too. I started just doing it two days a week and it worked so well I did it every day.

Also if she is in primary school homework is not really that important, our primary school stopped setting homework at the parents request. Make her and your well being and relationship more important than homework.

A few small changes may make all the difference.

Thank you for your comments. Some good idea I need to digest and apply. Thank you for your kindness for some commenters.
And to the person that called me a violent mother, that was uncalled for. It's extremely nasty to say this to someone who's asking for advice while she's down and that you don't even know. I hope you are perfect and never need to be in my position either personal, emotional or financial, little Miss Perfect you.

Bounty: Serving the dinner in separate bowls (like, chilli, cheese, sour cream and tortilla chips) and letting the picky eater make up their own portion is very sensible. Serving a buffet ('picnic selection') surely isn't.

BlueBlueSky. Thank you. After reading here, I realised that might be a better idea as her day is long from sometimes 7.30am to 6pm. No homework in the afterschool club but they do play a lot so she has her downtime but it's not like when you are at home. Thank you, I'll look into that.

OP, although the comment calling you violent wasn't very sensitive, you are hitting your child, regularly, with minimal provocation. I don't think you can expect people to ignore that. Obviously you sound very stressed but that part of this has to stop. Your child may not be seriously harmed physically by being 'slapped' but emotionally she is likely to be very confused and scared by it.

You need to stop taking it out on her, I don't mean to be blunt but my mum suffered from depression throughout my childhood and would go off at us on the slightest thing (if a teaspoon hadn't been washed etc). She destroyed my confidence and now as a 30 year old it still effects me. It sounds like the stress of your job and looking after your mum are the main issue, would it be possible to look for a less stressful role? And is there anyone else who can help with your mum, or could she move closer? You do need to work out some form of stress management because you are going to keep pushing your daughter away and she will continue to act up to get your attention.

And I agree about the slapping, you need her to feel like her home is a safe place.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and clearly you need more support and to reduce some of your burdens. Engage your DP and family in figuring that out. For instance, my DP's mum is in a similar position to yours and they speak for about 10 minutes every day. It doesn't have to be an hour.

In the meantime, please stop screaming at your child. I grew up with a dad who took all his work stress out on us and I'm not exaggerating when I say it damaged us for life. Please stop.

She sounds like a normal child comparing her to mine.... I have a "no treats unless you've attempted to eat a reasonable amount of dinner" rule, and use the automatic pencils for homework so there is no sharpening 100 times...plus no tv or iPad until homework is done, which I break up into 20-30 minute slots as my ds has a tiny attention span. Pocket money is based on doing homework when I ask, and tidying up when I ask.
I also mentally channel my inner Elsa from frozen "let it go" and pick the fights...homework I need to win, what tshirt they wear- not so important.

Glad it's not just me OP! I have finally booked myself an appointment with GP. The realisation that I was getting so angry with them, over little things that weren't important, did it for me. I feel for you. I hope you find strategies to start enjoying your DD.

Trifle - I think you're picking hairs here. What's the difference between serving the dinner in separate bowls (like, chilli, cheese, sour cream and tortilla chips) and letting the picky eater make up their own portion and lay(ing) out a picnic selection of food and let(ting) her help herself?

The answer to picky eaters isn't to do them a buffet every night, is it?

Why not? It would take some of the food-related stress from the OP and is no more work to prepare. The food is the least of OP's worries, though.

OP, I'm afraid you ARE a violent parent. if you were being slapped by your DH every day, you'd be in a violent relationship.

The fact that you're slapping your much smaller DD every day is even worse. So don't minimise it, don't get defensive, and don't criticise other people for pointing it out to you. It's important.

Do 8-year-olds really have so much homework that it has to be done every night following a long day at school and afterschool club? Perhaps we were fortunate in that my children's primary school policy was that they never had more than 40 mins a week in total plus spellings/reading and they had the weekend to do it.

And to the person that called me a violent mother, that was uncalled for. It's extremely nasty to say this to someone who's asking for advice while she's down and that you don't even know.

I'm afraid it isn't nasty. It's honest and I think you need to really think about it because the reasons behind it don't stop it from being the truth.

I think your first step needs to be to work out why you think (consciously or not) that taking your stress out on your DD in the form of aggression and violence is alright. Maybe some therapy would help? PPs are right that you do need to let some stuff go. You're trying to micro manage but have too many bigger things going on to be able to do it well. It might be helpful for you to try to establish a vent for your anger? Maybe a bit of light exercise while your DD does her homework, then you can watch some TV together.

You also need to work out how to eliminate some stress from your life. Even if it means changing jobs. Your job isn't more important than your child. You might be stressed but I bet she's frightened. Something has to give.

Maybe I am picking hairs, I just think it's dodgy advice.

Your dd is at an age where she wants a but more control in her life.
Start talking to her about what needs to be done and why and give her choices. Maybe she wants to rest when she gets in and do homework after dinner? It's a long day for an 8 yr old.
Get her to tell you what meals or veg she might be willing to try this week.
Get food prepared beforehand or do quick meals so it's not taking up a long time. Make up some pasta sauce during the weekend so you've got a couple of quick meals that your dd will eat.
I found meal prep took a lot of headspace and was stressful.

I also found that if the tv didn't come on, things went a lot smoother. I had blanket ban on screens during the week. It made the kids much calmer.

Just spend 10 mins when you get in focussed on your dd. Have cuddles and a chat, play a tickling game, be a cuddle monster. It could help to de stress and calm both of you down a bit and that reconnection is really beneficial.