Screaming at kid

[Henrysmycat]

More of a WWYD than AIBY.... But I'm desperate. Very long post.
Here after another sleepless night with my mind in turmoil again.
I think I'm a fairly good mother, DD who's 8, seems like a happy child; always singing, talking, at the near top of her class, healthy with all the material trappings of well off kid. while she has pretty much a lot she's no spoilt. She's loved and cherished by all of us.
Trouble is me. Evenings is when my tiredness hits me after 10 hours at a very stressful job dealing with chauvinistic, sexist Americans with hardly any sleep so everything sets me off. I end up screaming at her. It's usually, coming in from afterschool club and instead of doing homework, she sits on the telly. After the 5th time to switch it off, I end up screaming at her, grabbing the remote and give her an angry look that makes her cry. Homework is fraught and after the 3rd trip to go sharpen her pencil, I loose it again. Dinner is tough because all foods except pasta and pizza are no good. Cue screaming after a hour at the table to eat 1 flaming broccoli floret. By then is 7.30-8 and the bedtime takes for ever. After 4th time to tell her to brush her teeth but get ignored, I end up screaming again and end up slapping her bum. On top of everything we have additional stuff like for example yesterday: She has cat onesie with a massive stuffer hoodie to look like a cat head. It's uncomfortable to sleep with but she was stubborn to do so. I try to take it off her and we ended up arguing, screaming and me ending up extremely wounded up.
My husband helps and we share everything but every time I do her care, I can't do it right. She has told me point blank that she's a daddy's girl so I'm wondering if it's my behaviour, tiredness or general MH that fucks it up. I'm an anxious person and from what I can see with a short fuse too.
As a side story, I have an housebound mother, in a neighbouring country so while I visit every two months for weekends and some holidays she expects me to call her every day and spend an hour on the phone on average. I feel sorry for her as she's quite lonely. So while I cook after work while homework is being done, we talk with my mum. I also have the financial responsibility of my parents and helping a sibling come out of a financial ruining divorce.
I fall in bed at 10.30 sleep for an couple of hours if lucky and then spend the rest of the night contemplating all my failures at work, home life etc.
To the outsider, I'm an extremely well educated, highly paid individual with the perfect family and blah blah. Inside me, it's a struggle.
So you understand, all these make a bad mix. I don't know what to do to stop my screaming. It's affecting my child and I don't want to be a failure of a mother.
Any ideas?

Oh OP ypu poor thing. I think loads of us sympathise and understand and most of us are only a family disaster or stressful situation away from where you are.

I'm sorry but I can't get past that you hit your child because she doesn't brush her teeth. I understand that you have a stressful life but your poor daughter is only 8.

I would seriously look for counselling and if possible let your husband take over all bedtimes.

If this was a mother posting saying her husband hits their daughter because she doesn't clean her teeth there would, rightly be, shouts of abuse and suggestions to take the child out of such an environment.

Maybe anger management classes would be helpful.

But seriously, I so feel for your daughter.

You need to change the way you look at your daughter. You are looking at her as the cause of your stress and anger. But she isn't. She's the best thing in your life. Come home and give that little body a cuddle and feel relief that you have some time to spend with her. Let her childish love and innocence soothe you. Try activities to shake off work and have fun together. If you dont make time to have fun with your child, you'll both have a miserable life indeed. Remember she feels stress throughout the day from her own little problems. Little to you, but massive to her.

Great post haveacupoftea. I hope the OP reads it and takes stock.

That poor little girl. I'm so sad for her. She doesn't seem to be displaying any behaviour unsual to an 8 year old but is being abused for it.

Matchingbluesocks - i can categorically tell you that I wouldn't hit my child for not brushing her teeth. What has she done? Not doing homework? Not eating broccoli? And her mother seems so angry with her.

I can't agree that most of us are only a family diaster or stressful situation away from where you are. As I said above, if this was a father treating an 8 year old in a similar way the responses would be very different. Hitting your child is so wrong.

It's abuse and the OP needs help as does her daughter..

Yikes. Tbh, you sound like you think that if only you could control every last thing your little girl does, then you wouldn't be screaming at her. The poor sausage.

Get thee to cognitive behavioural therapy (mindfulness) asap and also parenting classes. Find the joy in a child who wants to wear a cat costume to bed. Find her some short stories about cats and read them to her at bedtime.

Let go of needing her to eat broccoli & wear regular pj's for a while. You two need to reset your relationship from one of struggle to one of shared comforting time. You're the adult, you need to set the tone.

I do think an hour a day on the phone to your mother is excessive and I say that as a grandmother myself. Parents are important, but you have little enough time with your daugher as it is. I also think you should take Vitamin B complex, it really is very useful for keeping control of your emotions. When my dd was small all of us mothers swore by it as the only reasons our children were still alive.

My dd is 8. She's the light of my life, a lovely, smiley, happy child and a ray of sunshine. You sound like you feel the same way about your dd and there is just so much stuff getting in the way of the two of you connecting. It sounds so hard on you.

Your poor little dd. Her little soul is being damaged and right now, you have the power to turn it around and be the mummy she needs you to be. She's an innocent and much as I understand you want to be there for your extended family, it cannot be at any cost. This will mean making some hard choices and deciding what is necessary and what is not. i would also be thinking about making some difficult life decisions around your job. Your inability to separate work and home life is affecting her so deeply and unless you can get this under control, she will grow up with issues and it will affect your relationship once she is an adult and has control over your life. She needs to be first on your priorities.

Can you even begin to imagine how your dd feels that she's away from you and her dad for almost every waking hour and then when she is with you, she's not the most important person? You seem to be either on the phone to your mum or shouting at her for doing something wrong.

You've had some great advice. And I also agree that you need to pick some battles and stop sweating the little stuff.

I think you all sound absolutely shattered. When do any of you get any down time? Of course your dd wants to come home and sit in front of the tv, wouldn't we all? She's got such a long day for an 8 year old and then you expect her to give her all to her homework and not have a chance to slob out at home. Could she do her homework at the after school club or go to a different childminder where she could do this? So when she comes home all she has to do is relax?

Spending an hour on the phone each night to your mum is totally unreasonable. Your priority should be your dd, not your mum. Once every few days or emails and once a week phone call would be more the norm, even in this situation.

Could you reduce your hours at work at all even twice a week to enable you to pick up dd from school and spend more time with her?

I know these ideas may not be possible but looking at what you've written it's obvious the stress and exhaustion that is jumping out of the page from both you and your dd. Something's gotta give.

How much sleep are you getting? Managing stress is much easier if you're not sleep deprived.

I think everyone is pussyfooting here apart from a couple of people. If a woman posted saying a man was screaming at his child over the slightest thing, and hitting her for something as stupid as not brushing her teeth, the mother would be told that the father was abusive and the child should be protected.

Well, youre abusive. Theres no need to scream at and smack a child. I have a dss of a similar age and we have never smacked him. I just don't have it in me to hit a child and trust me he knows how to push buttons.

I expect your daughter plays up to try and get a modicum of control over her own time and her own life. You should really think about what sort of mother you are to your poor little girl. Every time you scream at her and hit her you're losing control. Great message for your child. When you get pissed off at work you don't smack people and scream at them so why is an 8 year old little girl fair game for you to take your stress out on?

It's probably nice to use this thread to remind yourselves how in control of your lives you are but that's not helping the OP. I think anyone who in stressed parenting (and that includes hitting and shouting) needs support and luckily so does social services and similar authorities. Good thing they don't take the MN "telling off" route eh?

Oh I sympathise op. It's drives me crazy when I ask my kids to do something again and again
( my youngest is7) I think at that age it's fairly normal

Agree with others about strategies tho. I found that i get a better reaction from the kids if I stay cam and keep my voice even -I still repeat myself loads tho
Just want you to know you are not alone in this place

I feel for you op, glad you are doing something about this for your DD. I think I also need to work on my short fuse. Instead of after school club could you hire a nanny to collect from school, do homework & feed DD? Then you could buy stir fry packs, soups, stuff to go straight in the oven for when you are home from work. How about taking a lunch break at work (as I'm guessing you don't) and phone your mum then. Meal times are a battle; I've had to reduce my expectations to asking my DCs to stay on their chairs until they've asked if they can leave the table. They don't always eat their veg, but at least they can comply with such a simple request.

Have to learn to let stuff go.
I'm on number five here and my lovely dil said to me yesterday that she loves watching me nit stress about my 5 year old wearing a coat or allowing her to go to school with fifteen different clips in her hair.
I have learned that happiness isn't having everything done just right but a calm bedtime, nice bit of dinner and good nights sleep.
Being happy at school even in your weird hairdo.
I've even told my child's teacher we probably won't do homework on my work days as I'd rather she has a nice bath and some time with us.
Pick out what's important.
She will take anything uncomfortable off.
Yy to homework at after school club.
Dinner in front of the telly if it means she will eat.
Relax a bit and tell your mum you can't spend so long on the phone or set her up on Skype so she can just be part of rush hour for a bit without the need for intense hour long 1-1 convo.

DM used to slap me (back of legs mainly) and I have never forgotten that .
Stop slapping her OP please . For the sake of your future relationship if nothing else .

Yeah im in control of myself. If that means i don't hit a child because im stressed why is that a bad thing?

Just because i don't want to pat someone on the back and say "there there" and ignore the fact she's abusing her child because she can't cope with stress levels she has put herself under. Why is that the childs fault for being a typical 8 year old?

Pick your battles. If she doesn't want to eat broccoli don't worry. If she wants to sleep in the cat suit let her. If she doesn't do her homework then she'll get in trouble and most likely start doing it off her own back.

You are overly trying to control her because you feel out of control with the rest of your life.

I think the word 'abuse ' is too freely bandied around. Clearly she is not abusing her child, so get a grip.

Sorry but you are not being a good enough mother to your daughter going on what you have written. You are taking out the stress in your life on a little child. You want to be a perfect employee, perfect daughter to your Mum, perfect support to family members and having these achieving these (ridiculous) standards that you have imposed on yourself means your own child who is totally dependent on you just because of existing bears a large brunt of your stress.....the stress response can be evident in being aggressive as in you beating your daughter. You can change this, prioritise your relationship with your daughter and husband and cut back on others to a level you can cope with. Stop your perfectionistic behaviour and start your loving and kind behaviours.

Beating her daughter ?
She slapped her backside . . that is hardly beating .

I agree with ticklemyonewhisker . Abuse is thrown around these boards over a smack ? I would not smack (see my post as to why) but abuse ? Seriously ? You ever seen REAL abuse ? I have and a slap is hardly abuse.

So screaming at her for the most minor of transgressions and hitting her for not brushing her teeth isn't abusive?

If your husband did it to you, you wouldn't call that abusive? I would.

I struggle with my temper too. Part because of stress,part because it's all i know. I grew up with a mother that took out her stress on me,sometimes the smallest transgressions would be punished with massive (sometimes violent) blow outs. But that's my issue to sort out. It's not dd's fault. Do you apologise when you go mental over nothing? Explain that it's not her, it's you and you're having a bad day and you're sorry for overreacting etc?
Homework and teeth brushing are the only non negotiable things in this house. We have a reward chart for homework that seems to work for now. Dinners i mostly cook what i know she'd like. She can go to bed in anything she likes, i honestly couldn't care less.

You say you're tired and stressed from your 13 hour job,well your child is out of the house sometimes for 12 hours,and she's only 8. Then comes home,and has to do homework,eat what you want,wear what you want etc. Don't you think she might get tired and stressed too?

Honestly pick your battles. When the world is crashing around you and you can barely keep yourself together,the broccoli is frankly irrelevant.

This might seem a bit left field but what does your mother say about your child and how she should behave?

I ask because my mother drove me crackers with her constant chatter about how my kids should eat what's in front of them/do their homework/be obedient and I'd find myself telling them off sort of on her behalf! I cut down the contact with my mother, and we all get along better now she isn't pissing in my ear every day.

Lots of people have said similar things about picking your battles, and I do agree.
Rewards and consequences need to be clear.
This last week, my 8 year old refused to do any reading or homework. I reminded her that she would get punished at school (loss of playtime) and moved on. That's exactly what happened, and a brief meeting at the end of the week with the teacher to reiterate expectations (his choice not mine). She came home and read with no prompting, and asked if I would sit and help with her homework, which I did, and praised.
With the eating, nothing else until the next meal. No further discussion. Eat it or go hungry!
Teeth brushing, be clear what you expect, try the Colgate app maybe?
We are about to start a behaviour chart to help reinforce the good days, she will choose her own treats (within reason of course!)
I am a shouter far too often, breathe and walk away until you're calm, then explain what you need to happen and why. It sounds time consuming, but no more than ranting and raving, and far better for your blood pressure