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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not tell DH I have the morning off?

113 replies

MopedManiac · 10/11/2016 18:00

Have accrued some time-in-lieu at work so decided I could do with a morning to myself (finishing bits n pieces, catching up on iPlayer, have a bath, that kind of thing...).

Told colleague I wasn't going to let DH know (he and DC leave for work/school quater hour before I do so they will be none the wiser) - she was horrified that I would lie to DH (her words).

I just know that if he knows it will be a conversation about whether I'm being productive with my time (you could get x, y & z done) or load me up with new tasks.

AIBU? WWYD?

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 11/11/2016 15:34

SirChenjin Fri 11-Nov-16 13:48:10
Was that for me or the OP?

It was for OP :)

SirChenjin · 11/11/2016 15:36
Smile
RepentAtLeisure · 11/11/2016 16:09

I would see it as having to report my whereabouts to my partner at all times. If your workplace let you take an extra long lunch - two hours instead of one - would you text your partner and let them know?

But then I'm not overly verbal, maybe that makes the difference. I know some people like to mention every single thing that happens in their day, I'll tell people the bits that may affect them!

amusedbush · 11/11/2016 16:13

I just know that if he knows it will be a conversation about whether I'm being productive with my time

Why? Confused

If DH tried to fill my morning with tasks I'd tell him to piss off.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 11/11/2016 16:17

RepentAtLeisure yea I think it is a difference in personality/relationship. We do talk about our day and that would come up, so if it was purposely left out, it would seem odd. On reflection, feeling lied to is a bit extreme but I would be a little Hmm that he just hadn't mentioned it!

Velvian · 11/11/2016 17:30

YANBU & good idea. Wink

Marynary · 11/11/2016 17:52

I don't always tell DH and considering he rarely tells me he is having a day I think he probably does the same.... It's not really something that needs to be discussed is it?

Original poster
MopedManiac · 12/11/2016 08:15

Hi - sorry to dissappear. I was torn with each answer (swinging from guilt to yeah darn it why shouldn't I?)...

After a little soul searching as to why I felt the need to keep this to myself I have reached the following conclusion:

I may well be married to a narcissist.

It's subtle, but reading through some stuff on the www a number of statements about mild narcissists ring true. Not surprising really when I think about FIL is a narcissist of the highest order- bound to have some rub off onto DH.

I also realise I have enabled a lot of his behaviors. He is OCD (self diagnosed) has had some pretty bad depressive patches (work places that have been utter shit) & is very sensitive (eg noise, clutter etc). High maintenance really.

His downtime madhugger is every bloody evening in front of the TV. He does the occasional dishes and just about wants a medal for it!

As far as him taking the morning off to slob around -I don't think it would even enter his head. He's admitted himself that his work persona (organised, calm, get things done) just doesn't carry over to home life. He can barely order a takeaway! The Internet drives him nuts when trying to find anything - he admits it gets him in a rage. He has described himself as a dinosaur.

You remember the show "Grumpy old men" where comedians moaned about modern life. I used to find it funny...

Anyhow, I enjoyed my morning in my house coat?? ( I've always called it a dressing gown!) watching Gareth Malone on the iPlayer (swoon...)

Think I have some more reading to do re narcissism and coping strategies... any useful links appreciated.

Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
Cheese1010 · 12/11/2016 08:18

Why on earth do you all insist on using acronyms for just about everything you can think of like you're part of some special club that only you and your fellow eggy breads can be part of? It's not clever, it's not cool. To the outside world, it makes you seem like someone who spends all their day watching Jeremy Kyle repeats and planning their next phone call to the council/utilities company/supermarket/phone company/claims direct to get free stuff. Try typing as if you received at least a secondary education please.

Cheese1010 · 12/11/2016 08:28

Why on earth do you all insist on using acronyms for just about everything you can think of like you're part of some special club that only you and your fellow eggy breads can be part of? It's not clever, it's not cool. To the outside world, it makes you seem like someone who spends all their day watching Jeremy Kyle repeats and planning their next phone call to the council/utilities company/supermarket/phone company/claims direct to get free stuff. Try typing as if you received at least a secondary education please.

Hassled · 12/11/2016 08:33

On behalf of my fellow eggy breads (that's quite an inspired insult but shouldn't it be French toasts? Let's be pedantic if we're going to be rude), Cheese, here's the MN acronym list. I think it's pretty cool but hey, what do I know?

Hassled · 12/11/2016 08:34

Moped - it sounds like you have a lot to think about. But keep taking those mornings off - don't let the bastard grind you down.

Butterymuffin · 12/11/2016 08:35

Er, thanks for that. Now going to steal the phrase 'your fellow eggy breads' 🍳

Original poster
MopedManiac · 12/11/2016 08:41

Please don't feed the Troll.

OP posts:
SangtheSun · 12/11/2016 08:46

Hi Moped - haven't had a chance to read the whole thread, sorry, need to leave for work soon, but just read your reply.

I think you are probably on the right track regarding your husband. At least, that's what stood out to me in your op, that he feels entitled to organise your time and give you orders. And presumably isn't particularly reasonable if you don't listen to him, hence you feeling you need to hide your day off.

Do some research, there's loads of stuff on the Internet about these kind of people. I don't have time for links, got to leave soon. I'll check back in later.

SangtheSun · 12/11/2016 08:47

Also, this would probably be better in relationships than the white hot atmosphere of AIBU. Although you did ask!

TheMaddHugger · 12/11/2016 09:12

His downtime madhugger is every bloody evening in front of the TV. He does the occasional dishes and just about wants a medal for it!

Soft (((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) MopedManiac

you are not wrong to keep any of your own downtime secrete, it's self preservation really

CharlotteCollins · 12/11/2016 09:13

Interesting you think he's a narcissist, OP. My XH was also one, in my opinion. He would load me down with jobs, too - and if I'd responded assertively as some people on this thread suggested (clearly married to nice people), he would've booked some amazing him-time, probably at the time it would be hardest for me (leaving me holding the baby, that sort of thing). It would be a punishment, although he's never admit that, even to himself. He thought he was about as close to perfect as a husband can be...

Recommended reading: Alexandra Nouri, for the moments of "ahh, somebody understands!" And Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend.

I had to leave, in the end. I didn't really know who I was any more... Although I didn't even realise that at the time! Maybe you will leave too, maybe not. Good luck in thinking it through.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 12/11/2016 09:20

If you would be happy for him to do the same, then I can't see the problem

Whocansay · 12/11/2016 09:53

I have done this a few times as my DH, lovely as he is, if he knows I have a day off will always come out with the immortal words "can you just....?". He will then give me a whole load of shit to do. I don't think he even realises he's doing it.

He caught me out once and I admitted that I'd booked the day off. He was really hurt that I thought that he would load me up with tasks. And promptly gave me some stuff to do...

I don't do it often, but sometimes it's nice to do something just for yourself. Even if it's sitting in your pjs drinking tea all day watching box sets. And no, if he does it too, it wouldn't bother me at all. Everyone needs downtime.

LuluJakey1 · 12/11/2016 10:39

I think there is a deceit in doing it the way you have suggested. I would just say 'I am having a mornng to myself and doing nothing except what pleases me. I need it'
And that would be that. DH would probably say 'Good for you. Enjoy it.'

wingingit2 · 12/11/2016 16:15

How sad that your husband would begrudge you a morning to indulge in a bit of you time so you have to lie by omission!

squizita · 12/11/2016 16:44

Lulu she's lying because he's bit of a bully who would hassle her for relaxing.

Classic victim made to feel/look bad thing.

Original poster
MopedManiac · 12/11/2016 16:54

Is being increasingly passive aggressive a usual response to narcissistic behavior in a partner?

OP posts:
SoTheySentMeA · 12/11/2016 17:03

I just know that if he knows it will be a conversation about whether I'm being productive with my time (you could get x, y & z done) or load me up with new tasks.

Fuck that, enjoy your morning to yourself! Nothing wrong with it!