What should I expect of my MIL?

[alwaysfancywine]

Relationship with MIL is 'fine' - she irks me somewhat but I am polite and rise above it and we've never had any confrontation. I've known her for 20 odd years and have 2 kids - both under 10. She lives about 40 mins away from us and we see her once or twice a month. She NEVER invites us to her house, I'm pretty sure it's because my 7 year old tinkers with her 1000s of ornaments other crap laying around the shelves. I wish she would just chill but there you go. She is widowed so we (mainly my DH) feel we should see her as often as we can. Here's my AIBU - when she comes over I (me always) cook her both lunch and dinner and she often has a couple of glasses of wine too.
It really, really pisses me off that she always arrives empty handed and just accepts that she is going to be catered for and waited on hand and foot. She never goes near the dishwasher either. My DH says she is a guest and family so she shouldn't have to bring food or clean up.
It causes rows almost every time she's been. How does it work with your ILs - am I BU to expect her to return the invite occasionally and offer some food/drink when she comes?

Lol, I just checked your old posts to see if you had any previous MIL history (which you don't 😁) but now I'm curious whether you ended up having to pay for the dishwasher in the rental house. You were certainly not being unreasonable about that!

In my view you are EITHER a guest - so bring a bottle or a dessert

OR you're family - so make your own cuppas and help with the washing up.

I think it's an age thing. We are used to more casual visiting, bringing food and drink and generally making ourselves at home. But she is from a different time where things were more formal. If it were everyday l might be annoyed. But to treat your dhs mother twice a month to a meal is hardly a big deal. Just accept her the way she is.
I have a family member who, when she comes, brings enough to feed an army and it drives me mad. I want to say we have food, we like to feed people so you don't need to bring piles as if we wouldn't feed you otherwise.
You are wasting energy. Your Mil is the way she is. Nothing malicious, just a bit different. Don't begrudge her a bit of food. Decide to be happy to do it, expect nothing and just do it out of the goodness of your heart.

I personally think it's fine, I wouldn't have that expectation of my own mother so think the same rule should apply to MIL.

That being said we go to MIL a lot and turn up empty handed and there is no expectation from her either.

I think it's a shame you feel resentful about making cups of tea and cooking a meal a couple of times a month for your MIL. She obviously doesn't feel at home enough to get up and make a cuppa. As for wishing she'd offer a contribution so you can be gracious and refuse well that's petty.

Errrpppp - no I didn't! But the estate agent did take money from our deposit for non exsisent marks on the carpet which I always thought was to make up for the dishwasher!

I have never taken anything when visiting my parents. I didn't know it was a 'thing' until recently. I do wash up though.

They don't visit me because I don't willingly have anyone in my home (MH issues)

Your MIL couldn't really do anything right from the sound of it. You should stop your child touching her ornaments. A relative's child used to visit my parents and run riot (NT 10 yo) and she's not welcome any more.

MILs can't win - they take stuff, it messes up meal planning, offer to babysit and they are overstepping the mark, do nothing and they are shit.

If you have DC, it might be worth remembering that you may be a MIL one day....