What should I expect of my MIL?

[alwaysfancywine]

Relationship with MIL is 'fine' - she irks me somewhat but I am polite and rise above it and we've never had any confrontation. I've known her for 20 odd years and have 2 kids - both under 10. She lives about 40 mins away from us and we see her once or twice a month. She NEVER invites us to her house, I'm pretty sure it's because my 7 year old tinkers with her 1000s of ornaments other crap laying around the shelves. I wish she would just chill but there you go. She is widowed so we (mainly my DH) feel we should see her as often as we can. Here's my AIBU - when she comes over I (me always) cook her both lunch and dinner and she often has a couple of glasses of wine too.
It really, really pisses me off that she always arrives empty handed and just accepts that she is going to be catered for and waited on hand and foot. She never goes near the dishwasher either. My DH says she is a guest and family so she shouldn't have to bring food or clean up.
It causes rows almost every time she's been. How does it work with your ILs - am I BU to expect her to return the invite occasionally and offer some food/drink when she comes?

Maybe in the past she's asked or offered to bring stuff and your DH has told her no need?

But yeah, you can't have it both ways, if you won't let her (or your DH - why can't he cook for you all?) near your kitchen then she's probably picking up on your "stay the fuck out" vibes.

Perhaps if you told your son not to touch her belongings then maybe she would invite you around more often? He's 7. Barring SEN he should be able to do what he's told for a couple of hours. Or you could arrange for a babysitter. That way you wouldn't have to host.

Because if it's more than setting an extra place or making an extra cup of tea -that is doing more for her than anyone else eating in the house that day- then yes, that is unreasonable.

Guess I need to put up and shut up.

I'd say no because maybe this is the problem. Do you ever ask her to do things for you? How welcoming are you? I'm trying not to judge but describing her ornaments as 'crap' jars with me.

I'm with your DH that family don't have to bring stuff but it would annoy me if she never helped/offered to. Although if you're that protective of your kitchen...

If my in laws are visiting FiL usually cooks one night or they get a takeaway for us all which is much appreciated. If we're at theirs we take wine and wash up.

You sound really hard to please. You won't let people go near your cooker but you moan she doesn't go near the dishwasher?
Your DH is right, she is a guest. Guests don't need to come bring home made pie around, its a bonus if they do.
You are being so very entitled to think she should do that. She probably doesn't invite you around hers because she can see how much of a snob you are!

I agree with others that it shouldn't be expected that she bring something, however, my own DM and MIL wouldn't dream of coming to our house empty handed. Quite the opposite, in fact.

When we invite MIL for dinner, she tries to slip DH a tenner to pay her way (it's never accepted!) and brings biscuits, cakes and sweets for the kids - way too much!

That's just the way DH and I have been brought up so it's very difficult for me to imagine someone's parent taking like that, without any giving back. Surely that's what families do?

i can't remember how it came about but on one trip my MIL said "but i am a visitor" my response "no you are family".

How about telling your son not to 'tinker' with her ornaments for a start, it would piss me off too if a child did that and his parents didn't stop him. Maybe she might invite you then.
Also, maybe she's picking up on your territorial vibes and staying the fuck out of YOUR kitchen, I'm betting if she did get involved you'd be kicking off about her doing it all wrong and interfering. Tbh, I don't think the woman could do anything right by you.
And fwiw, she's family, she doesn't have to bring anything. Yeah, it'd be nice if she did but she is your husbands mum, why should she have to?

She grew and raised your DH. Just let it go and feed her everytime. Just enjoy the time in the kitchen as a break from small talk. You could nag your OH to help but then you have to sit and entertain.

I agree with your DH,I'd never expect my parents or my PIL's to bring anything with them if we had them round for dinner and I wouldn't expect them to help out either.

Me and my DH have always seen it as our Parents spent years and years doing stuff for us,cooking for us,picking up after us so it's nice that we can treat them and look after them sometimes.

YABU

You see her twice a month at most and expect her to offer to bring something or help out?

Suck it up, I'm with your DH

Yes confused you don't want her helping but you are offended she doesn't offer?

I think it's rude to go empty handed to dinner though even with family.

I babysit my GC and have them 2 days a week while dil/ds work.

Your DH can cook and clear up if he's so keen on having her and so adamant that she mustn't muck in.

Why always lunch AND dinner? Invite her for 'a cup of tea' sometimes instead. Crack out the biscuits if you're feeling generous.

Agree with the PP who said family shouldn't be expected to bring anything but should muck in and help as required - or at least offer. Guests don't need to muck in but should bring a bottle/flowers.

I don't think you sound entitled at all but I do think you have probably made it clear you don't want MIL in the kitchen.

I find it really strange that she has never offered to babysit in 12 years, and that you are never invited. I know pp have picked up on the fact your DS tinkers with her ornaments, but she could just say please stop DGC touching my things, surely that would be better? Perhaps she just doesn't want them there full stop.

When my PIL come for dinner they always bring wine and try to help cook and clear up. We don't let them of course, but at the same time if PIL want to carry plates from table to kitchen that is great and I wouldn't argue it.

I wouldn't dream of going anywhere empty handed and not helping at all, and neither would my family or any of my friends.

Hmm. I would probably also feel it was rude that she never brings a bottle of wine or a cake, and never offers a hand with anything.

However.

My MIL is the opposite. When they come to stay she always brings food, and often veg that would have gone off otherwise that therefore needs eating quickly, and it messes up my meal planning. She also is constantly offering help or to just do the cooking outright and I would honestly rather just be left to it. If I say 'ooh it would be great if you could peel these potatoes" she would do them and then ask how I was planning to cook them then seem surprised about it and give me advice on how SHE would cook them. Literally every single time she tries to get me to do something her way instead of my way.

So I quite like the idea of being able to hide out in my kitchen all by myself, sip wine and do the cooking without interference, letting DP wait in his mother in the meantime...the grass is always greener!

YANBU.

In my family growing up my grandmother, mother and aunt took turns at hosting every other Sunday for late afternoon dinner. Typically whoever was hosting did the main, and the other two brought a starter or pudding. The men and children were pressed into service washing dishes, tidying up, laying the table etc etc.

I think it is a totally fair way for family to do it, and regardless how well I know someone I would never come empty handed or without offering to prepare a course OR helping when there.

She's 73 not 53. Twice a month, suck it up and enjoy the visit.
Plus how difficult is putting together an extra plate or washing up the extra dish.

I am another that is really surprised to hear people expecting family members to bring things. I don't think of family members as guests, they're just there. They get their own drinks and don't ask to use the loo.

Especially with parents, they fed us and cleared up our messes for 20 years, I'm happy to repay the favour when they come over for tea!

Family don't have to bring anything in.

If they do, lovely.

Blimey
I'm the other side of this
My mil always asks us for lunch
We go about once month and in 20 years I have never taken food/drink with me
I assume if we are asked as guests that's how we will treated? If she didn't want to cook she wouldn't ask?
I once offered to help wash up....
Her look of horror was answer enough :)

Hmm- I'm afraid describing her ornaments as crap really jarred with me too. It shows you don't have much respect for her home which is possibly why she doesn't like having you round. A seven year old is quite old enough to be told not to fiddle with other people's stuff and understand that things maybe precious to someone and have sentimental value even if you don't rate them as anything more than 'crap' yourself.

Regarding visiting you - I never turn up anywhere as a guest empty handed (apart from quick pop in's) but if my DS and DIL ask me over for a meal or for the day I would always bring something. So I find that a bit odd. I also always offer to help wash up, clear up - but these offers are always refused (just as they are refused by me in my house), but it's polite to offer.
Although if you don't like anyone in your kitchen, she has maybe picked up on this and keeps well out the way for fear of irritating you (though she has irritated you by keeping out of the way - so bit of a no win situation for her).

Why don't you ask her to bring something? 'Can you pick up some wine on your way over please MIL we've none in' or ask if she'll load the dishwasher. If you don't speak up how is she to know. Unless your dh is compensating with practical help to cater for his mum I don't think he gets final say on how a guest is treated.