What should I expect of my MIL?

[alwaysfancywine]

Relationship with MIL is 'fine' - she irks me somewhat but I am polite and rise above it and we've never had any confrontation. I've known her for 20 odd years and have 2 kids - both under 10. She lives about 40 mins away from us and we see her once or twice a month. She NEVER invites us to her house, I'm pretty sure it's because my 7 year old tinkers with her 1000s of ornaments other crap laying around the shelves. I wish she would just chill but there you go. She is widowed so we (mainly my DH) feel we should see her as often as we can. Here's my AIBU - when she comes over I (me always) cook her both lunch and dinner and she often has a couple of glasses of wine too.
It really, really pisses me off that she always arrives empty handed and just accepts that she is going to be catered for and waited on hand and foot. She never goes near the dishwasher either. My DH says she is a guest and family so she shouldn't have to bring food or clean up.
It causes rows almost every time she's been. How does it work with your ILs - am I BU to expect her to return the invite occasionally and offer some food/drink when she comes?

So why did you bring up her 'crap'? It's not beside the point. Accidents happen and things get broken and people generally get over it, but why dismiss it as crap in the first instance?

You are anxious about your cooker. Cancels out her crap, as far as I'm concerned.

That's interesting bibbitybobbityyhat.

My mum insisted on doing 'her jobs' when she came to me or my sister - housework and baby sitting. But in the end she couldn't do right for doing wrong. I felt (wrongly) that she was judging my lax standards and my sister was angry with her for breaking things - the Dyson and the Miele dishwasher. I'm not entirely sure my mum broke them.

She was trying to be nice. Also she wouldn't have brought over a bottle of wine because she didn't drink.

MIL lives 5 doors away, and has done for five years. Other than a cup of tea I have never had any food in her house.

DD (9) has never stayed overnight, or eaten there. Mind you, there is no wifi, so I don't expect her to stay more than 10 minutes.

Other than that, she is perfectly pleasant.

My grandma never brought a bottle of wine either - we didn't drink with Sunday lunch in the lower middle classes in the 70s. She helped my mum a lot - perhaps because she was a single parent.

What does "waiting on hand and foot mean"?

UANBU, she's family so that's exactly the reason she should pitch in and help IMO

My MIL visits quite frequently and always brings something along with her. She knows I have enough on with DS so always puts her plate in the dishwasher etc and usually picks some of his toys up and helps out

Yes I wouldn't expect a friend to wash up after dinner but a family member I would at least expect to offer if I've cooked

Hand and foot means - all coffees made and brought to her, cups brought to the sink, meals being placed in front of her, plates taken away. Etc etc Obvious really.

She behaves like a guest in your home. If you don't want her to, tell her you would like some more help from her. Personally I think she is well into retirement age and knocking on 75, so I would happily put her plate in front of her and take it away again, but that's me.

Meals being placed in front of her? Do you mean on the table? Is that not normal in your house, where would you usually put them?

The OP can't ask her for help Trifle because she doesn't want her to help. She just wants her to offer.

OP maybe get your dh to have a word. Then she'll ask you if she can help/bring anything and you can say no.

😂

I also suffer with a MIL who needs to be explicitly told what and how to do everything. It is exhausting but I have DH deal with her. I bet your MIL would do more if you invited her to. Say something like 'Oh I am running late, could you help me peel the carrots?' or ask her to bring something with her that you have run out of. It would be a nice way to break the ice and get her more involved with what is going on.

My PIL have been staying with us for 3 weeks. I worked late all last week, coming home at 11pm or so and DH was away. Not one evening did my PIL do the packed lunches for the kids.... DH had a shit with them when he came home and MIL told him that I hadn't asked. I couldn't exactly ask them because they were sleeping when I got home!

why, when it comes to family, does reciprocation not matter? why does one person take advantage of another but it's ok because it's a mil / dil relationship? it's clearly not ok, you are resentful. if she did have you over and make an effort for you, then i bet you'd be much happier to host her. she doesn't help with the kids, doesn't do anything, doesn't bring anything, how is that acceptable? if she were a friend and not your mil, then the friendship would be over a long time ago.

so you need to reign things back until you're in a place where you don't resent her anymore. your dh needs to step up if he still wants to see his mum so often. it's at too great a cost to you now.

EddieLizzard - you speak a lot of sense! x

I actively keep my MIL out of the kitchen.

"meals being placed in front of her, plates taken away."

As opposed to......?

I think its sad your DH obv has such a poor relationship with his own DM that he cant easily and in a chatty non confrontational way simply chat and make light of her never inviting you round.

I am one of those kitchen control freaks - it's MY oven, MY fridge etc and I get a bit funny about people being in my territory. 100% know that's wrong, it's just how I am

well My MIL is one too and I have to say - after the first few polite attempts when I first used to go there - being thwarted I refuse to help now.
I am very happy to wait on pils hand and foot when they deign to come to us, but as a point of principle I refuse to offer help in mils house but then again we dont eat there often.

In your circumstance it sounds like you are not keen on her and dont like her company very much so the whole thing is perhaps a chore with this added on which again is such a shame

if she were a friend and not your mil, then the friendship would be over a long time ago

Oh no this is not true at all, we love our friends surely for who they are not what they bring us at a meal! We cherish their company, their opinions, support etc, not the wine they bring...if good friends visit us - and bring wine its a bonus...nothing more.

I felt (wrongly) that she was judging my lax standards and my sister was angry with her for breaking things - the Dyson and the Miele dishwasher. I'm not entirely sure my mum broke them

I find it so sad that some people have perhaps poor relations with their parents.

I have lost my DM but our relationship was so above all this and same with DF.
DF has actually SHAT on my carpets, we managed to laugh about it, DM was quite clumsy and she put her foot in her mouth but she was fulll of love and joy and happiness.

My mil is a cold hard woman who puts carpets and surfaces and materials in a kitchen above human relationships, its something until the age of 28 I had never come across.
I have lost DM but thank god - we had a relationship and breaking a bloody expensive piece of replaceable crap - would never ever have been an issue between us. How can people be so shallow how! I would be devastated if my own DDs treat me like this and write badly of me if I ever broke a "possession"!

Hand and foot means - all coffees made and brought to her, cups brought to the sink, meals being placed in front of her, plates taken away. Etc etc Obvious really.

So basic minimum level of hospitality then?

DH had a shit with them when he came home

I have to ask. Your DH came home from work and went for a shit with his parents? Is that usual?

As for expectations, either you're a guest (in which case you bring a gift) or you're family (in which case you help with the washing up) or you're a family-guest (in which case both is appreciated.)

(My parents come to us every two weeks. They bring a bottle of wine and help with the washing up every time.)

Question is though, OP, what are you going to do about it? You could invite yourselves to MIL's house and set an example of gifting and helping. Next time she comes to you, you could explain that you're tired and busy and thought perhaps you could go out for lunch or have a takeaway instead of cooking. Or you could just ask her.

MIL, you know where the kettle is by now. Please help yourself, oh, and could you that plate for the dishwasher? Thanks

Haffdonga-your suggestions are really good but I just can't imagine asking her to do that. Something in my psyche just won't allow me to say something like 'could you put that plate in the dishwasher...'. I clearly need to work on my assertiveness skills!

well next time you arrange her visit, just casually ask if she can pick up dessert/wine etc during the conversation.

Ask her to help you with stuff when she's around, whether it's playing with the dc or helping you cook.

Get your DH to help some more and try not to worry about this. Wanting her to offer to bring things that you would then refuse is 😂🤔😱 very childish. She is going to her SON's house it's different to visiting a friend.

I think you are fussing about nothing.
BTW I've had loads of guests over the years and if I want them to do something I ask them. It's simpler that quietly getting angry and it's remarkable successful.