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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What should I expect of my MIL?

107 replies

alwaysfancywine · 10/11/2016 15:04

Relationship with MIL is 'fine' - she irks me somewhat but I am polite and rise above it and we've never had any confrontation. I've known her for 20 odd years and have 2 kids - both under 10. She lives about 40 mins away from us and we see her once or twice a month. She NEVER invites us to her house, I'm pretty sure it's because my 7 year old tinkers with her 1000s of ornaments other crap laying around the shelves. I wish she would just chill but there you go. She is widowed so we (mainly my DH) feel we should see her as often as we can. Here's my AIBU - when she comes over I (me always) cook her both lunch and dinner and she often has a couple of glasses of wine too.
It really, really pisses me off that she always arrives empty handed and just accepts that she is going to be catered for and waited on hand and foot. She never goes near the dishwasher either. My DH says she is a guest and family so she shouldn't have to bring food or clean up.
It causes rows almost every time she's been. How does it work with your ILs - am I BU to expect her to return the invite occasionally and offer some food/drink when she comes?

OP posts:
SilverBirchWithout · 10/11/2016 16:39

My MIL used to arrive with bags of stuff when she visited. This used to make me feel resentful, it seemed as if she was indicating the foods we had on offer would not be good enough or not what they would like. Although we always had bought in the stuff we knew they would like.

I guess MILs cannot win sometimes. Any resentment you are feeling about this is an indication there are other problems in the relationship and I suspect you are actually peeved that your DH is not doing more towards hosting the visits.
I actually don't think it's unreasonable to expect a 7 year old not to fiddle with her 'precious' ornaments when you visit.

dailymaillazyjournos · 10/11/2016 16:47

How is she going to go near the dishwasher if you can't stand anyone in your kitchen though?

I always take something/make something to eat if I am invited for a meal. Doesn't matter if it's family or not, it's just what I like to do (and I guess it's a cultural thing too in my case). I always help clear up too or at least offer. Hospitality surely works both ways. It's unfair that she is always the one who comes to yours to eat but you are never asked back. And if she isn't going to invite you then I think bringing a little something along to contribute is not unreasonable.

Does seem a little strange that she won't invite your family to hers (she could move anything breakable out of reach). And also a little unusual that she's not babysat in 12 years if she's healthy and lives nearby.

ManaFleet · 10/11/2016 16:48

I'm with you on this. If I was regularly eating at someone else's house without them ever coming to mine (as used to be the case with my in-laws as they had a huge house and we had a tiny flat), I would always bring wine at least but maybe pudding or cheese as well. I would also muck in with clearing the table, washing up, making drinks, whatever. I might well help with prep, cooking & table laying too.

If it's a one off or an occasional thing or a nice dinner I'm inviting guests too, then I'd expect a bottle to be brought but wouldn't be pissed off if they forgot. I wouldn't expect them to help out or do anything except enjoy the evening.

So, unless it's a more or less balanced thing - you feed each other at each other's homes on a fairly even basis - the person regularly being fed should just do their bit. If it's a reciprocal arrangement, then not.

I can't imagine being at the home of family / close friend and not offering a hand. It's informal and friendly, so we'd just muck in.

Chottie · 10/11/2016 16:49

You mention that your MiL is widowed, perhaps coming round to see you and DH and family is the only time that she sits down and someone makes her a nice meal?

I think you need to give your MiL some slack. I never expected either MiL or DM to bring anything round or to cook or clear up.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 10/11/2016 16:56

I find it really strange that she has never offered to babysit in 12 years, and that you are never invited.

I don't, my MIL is the same, has never babysat/looked after the DC (eldest is nearly 9) but regularly looks after SIL's pet after years of free childcare and sleep overs for SILs DC Hmm

She expects to be waited on hand and foot here yet on the rare occasion we go to visit her we don't even get offered a drink - not the DC despite them whinging loudly and not me even when I've been heavily pregnant.

Anyway rant over and breathe Im on the fence on this one, it depends on your relationship, some in laws help each other some don't. Although your DH should be doing the hosting work esp as she doesn't reciprocate.

Original poster
alwaysfancywine · 10/11/2016 16:57

Thanks again for all of these comments. I really value the differing opinions.
A couple of things that I don't think I was clear on earlier - it's the principle of offering to bring something and/or clear up. I would definitely decline if offered. I just think It's rude and thoughtless to not offer.
Referring to her stuff as crap - a little disrespectful, yes. But it's true! Teddy bears, charity shop ornaments etc. Anyway, that's besides the point.
I would and have never been to anyone's house for a meal or even a coffee without something - even a packet of biscuits. And I would always bring my plate/cup to the sink and at least attempt at opening the dishwasher. We're all different I suppose.

OP posts:
EweAreHere · 10/11/2016 16:57

I'm with you, OP. It's frequent and you've got children and it's hard work always having someone round if they expect to be waited on.

Grit your teeth, turn over your kitchen and tea kettle to DH for the next handful of visits and tell him he's in charge of providing for her and the family since he thinks her behavior is reasonable. You don't. Let him cater to her and live the dream

Original poster
alwaysfancywine · 10/11/2016 16:58

Oh When I refer to MY kitchen - never territorial with her. Just DH. He knows it's kind of my territory.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/11/2016 16:58

With 2 young kids, isn't it enough that she does the travelling so you don't have to?

But if you would like to go there, then make it happen!

Take stuff to occupy the kids/make sure that you go for a walk so that they don't feel the need to fiddle!

Want2bSupermum · 10/11/2016 17:03

Having low expectations of your PIL only helps your relationship. I agree with you, it is rude that she arrives empty handed, but it really isn't worth arguing over. Cook your regular meal and add a plate at the table for her.

I have my PIL with us for 3 weeks. Tonight it is duck on the menu and my MIL cooked it, I cleaned up last night. The ducks cost me almost $50. She insisted we order deer from a friend of a friend because she likes venison. They leave on monday and we have half a fucking rudolf in our freezer which I am going to have to figure out how to hide because my kids don't eat santa's reindeer.

Allthebestnamesareused · 10/11/2016 17:05

It doesn't matter if you think her stuff is crap (teddy bears, charity shop) it is her crap! I wouldn't want kids fiddling with my stuff and it must be hard work to entertain a DiL who can't (or doesn't want to) control her 7 year old!

That said she is your MiL and I wouldn't expect family to bring stuff every time but as you say a gesture every now and then would be nice. She may fear upsetting you if she picks up vibes (even if the vibes are from your DH rather than you) that people aren't allowed in the kitchen!

PS> My MiL is the same - has other grandchildren over in school hols etc - doesn't even send ours a Christmas pressie so I know even the smallest things can be irritating.

eddielizzard · 10/11/2016 17:05

get your dh to do all the shopping, cooking and clearing up when she's around. and leave it to him to do the inviting. since he's the one who wants her round, let him do the work. you go spend time with the kids.

228agreenend · 10/11/2016 17:14

How often does she come around? If it's once a month, I would expect a bottle of wine or box of chocolates. However, if it were weekly, then I think a helping help should be offered.

Mybugslife · 10/11/2016 17:34

You would hate to be part of our family then. All of us, DM, DF, MIL, siblings, even our grandparents just turn up empty handed to each other's houses and we will always feed each other.
But I guess that's just how we all are and we are all very close

crashdoll · 10/11/2016 17:51

You want her to ask but you'd turn her down? Perhaps she knows you would turn her down, hence doesn't ask.

TheProblemOfSusan · 10/11/2016 17:52

I don't think family should bring host gifts every time, but then family usually reciprocate so it is a little rude of her but to offer a bottle a couple of times a year.

But I do think it's really rude not to offer or try to help. For an older generation than me I'd rebuff it but they should definitely offer! Younger ones can get straight in the kitchen, family helps each other out and mucks in.

ladymariner · 10/11/2016 18:04

I'm with you, OP. It's frequent and you've got children and it's hard work always having someone round if they expect to be waited on.

If once or twice a month is 'frequent' then it's no wonder more and more older people are left on their own feeling increasingly lonely! As a pp said, how hard is it to dish up an extra meal and wash an extra plate.......

PrimalLass · 10/11/2016 18:06

Would you invite a friend round and expect them to wash up.

I certainly help when I'm at my mum's. And she helps when she is here, as does MIL.

ladymariner · 10/11/2016 18:07

I'm with you, OP. It's frequent and you've got children and it's hard work always having someone round if they expect to be waited on.

If once or twice a month is 'frequent' then it's no wonder more and more older people are left on their own feeling increasingly lonely! As a pp said, how hard is it to dish up an extra meal and wash an extra plate.......

ladymariner · 10/11/2016 18:09

No idea why that came up twice....wasn't that good a post! Grin

MagicChanges · 10/11/2016 18:25

This isn't about MILs/DILs but about taking things to relatives when invited for a "gathering" - twice a year my lovely niece hosts a summer party and a christmas one (not on cmas day) but around that time. It's a big house and she goes to an enormous amount of trouble preparing food and making sure we all enjoy ourselves (it's a big family) so I'm talking around 30 people though that includes some of the teenager's friends etc. No one is rich but no one is "hard up" and yet no-one ever takes a present!! I can never get over it.................in the summer I take flowers and cakes and at christmas I always make a huge chocolate cake that everyone loves. But I can't get my head round the fact that no one else takes anything, and they're all nice people..........maybe it's me?

Original poster
alwaysfancywine · 10/11/2016 18:33

Re her 'crap' which seems to have come up quite a lot. To explain - I am totally guessing that this is the reason we don't get invited. Last time we went was about 3 years ago when my DS was 4. He swapped two of her animal ornaments around and she seems a bit anxious about it (to me). I don't know if this if what did it, just guessing. Who knows what the reason is.

OP posts:
ManaFleet · 10/11/2016 18:36

Yes but Bugs, you all feed each other! The point here is that there's no reciprocation.

WipsGlitter · 10/11/2016 18:41

It sounds like you make her anxious!!

Maybe she did offer and DP declined.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 10/11/2016 18:50

Yanbu op! She's a frequent visitor ... of course she should bring something or make a contribution!

My dgma came to Sunday lunch at our house more or less every fortnight throughout my childhood (in the alternate weeks she went to uncle's house who had children of similar age) and she always without fail brought a little gift with her - often broken biscuits from the market, or plants for my mum's garden, flowers or a home made cake. And she did the washing up too and helped make the sandwiches for tea in the afternoon.

She didn't babysit us but did have me and a friend or one of my cousins over to stay for a week in the summer holidays too.

Yanbu at all op! I would be so irritated by this.