To be heartbroken by dm's comments on abortion?

[Bummymummy77]

Huge long post I'm sorry I'm just in a state and nobody in real life except dh to talk to and he's working all day.

Dm rang this morning to gloat over the Trump victory.

After telling her about all the awful things that stand to happen to us as a family I said "well what about women's rights?"

"What women's rights?"

"Women's right to chose what happens to her body."

"You mean abortion? Well if he makes that illegal that would be the best thing any leader has done in years."

Cue silence from me. My Mother knows I had an abortion 15 years ago. She knows very well because it led to me moving back home with her for a while after a suicide attempt.

I was happily engaged to a wonderful man (I thought) . I fell pregnant and he disappeared. Turns out he was already married with a house I knew nothing about. He never contacted me once after finding out I was pregnant.

So after a lot of soul searching and speaking to my family, all of whom were very upfront that I'd have to go it alone both financially and emotionally as they lived far away, I decided to terminate. Not for me. I wanted the baby deeply, I've never been happier when I found out I was pregnant. It was 100% a choice for my child.

The termination was botched. I was treated very cruelly by a couple of the nurses, wasn't sedated enough so felt and was fully aware of the whole process. They also didn't remove all of it so a while later I collapsed in a shop and had to be rushed in to hospital.

After this I went off the rails, lost my job and then attempted suicide. An amazing local mental health support team and my gp got me back together.

Not one visit from one family member. Although I understand it's complexed and hard when a relative does something like this. I don't blame them for that.

Anyway, this is just background to avoid drip feeding, sorry it's long.

So the conversation carries on with us not mentioning mine. I ask things like "well what about a child that's not wanted. Or if a parent decides the best thing for their child is to not be born for X reasons?"

My Mum answers many things which I don't have the energy or heart to repeat but the last thing she said was "abortion should be illegal except in extreme cases of rape and all these women doing it are disgusting, selfish women who deserve prison. It's too easy to get an abortion and loose women are using it as birth control and should be ashamed of themselves. I hope they do stop it."

Aibu to be beyond heartbroken? I have a very very rocky relationship with my Mum but at least have always looked up to her as a self proclaimed feminist and strong women who's overcome so much.

I now don't like her. I can't stand the thought of spending time with her this Christmas if this is how she thinks of me.

She must have said it to hurt me. She's more than aware of how I'd take this surely?

I don't know what to do, she's made me feel so ashamed and destroyed but then at the end of the conversation started talking about Xmas presents for ds.

If I go non contact with her the rest of my family will turn against me. They don't see any of this behaviour, she'll paint it as me. Ds has precious little family as it is, I don't want him to lose that whole side which I know we will.

Can I just shrug this off and ignore it? I feel like this was abusive. I feel like she's trying to hurt me. If I ignore this will it get worse?

OP thats awful Your mum is beyond cruel and she is NO FEMINIST.

Cruel beyond belief. Shes a pro forced birther.

I hope shes not expecting hands on care from you in her old age.

She's absolutely poisonous and I would say she was trying to get at you. If it were me, I'd never see her again.

Thank you all SO much. You really have no idea how much your kind words have meant and to know I'm not being over sensitive. I know that's what she'll say if and when I tackle it.

A pp said that maybe she didn't believe I was in the dark about my partner's marriage. I'm positive she knows how shocked I was. I had no idea, he had very valid work travelling reasons. Something that a few of his friends played along with. She saw the disbelief and grief I went through, there's no way she'd think I had a suspicion.

I haven't decided what to do yet. I see her so infrequently I feel it may be ok to let ds have a relationship with her. But at the same time I don't know what I want to.

I used to adore her and put her on the highest pedestal but the older I get, especially since having ds and feeling the unconditional love and protection I feel for him, the more I'm coming to dislike her. Which makes me sad.

Her Mother was the same to her, and hers to her. Not an excuse but a reason. I'm going to try to be the best parent I can to ds without turning in to a smothering lunatic.

I think I only ever remember my mum saying she loved me once. A couple of years ago when I was saying goodbye to go back to the states she broke down crying and mumbled about 'you do know I love you.' It so horribly sad. Nobody is going to win in this situation.

I'm not sure I could stand therapy right now. It's like a the years of being tough and shrugging it off have all caved in in one foul swoop.

What you say about building a tough shell not necessarily being healthy is very true I think. It's a high place to fall from if (or when) you do.

The worst thing is, I don't think she's particularly pro life. I've never heard her say these things. I'm sure if heard her going on about pro choice issues.

If I thought she was strongly pro choice I could maybe forgive her for most of what she said. At least I could rationalise it.

I think it was just said to hurt me which is far far worse than a differing opinion.

I think you're right Dixie.

I think she'll know exactly the countless reasons that I've backed off. She's a smart woman.

Jesus that's awful. I know it's so easy for a stranger to say, but as per PP, what positives does she actually bring to your life? My parents get on my last nerve, frequently, but they have never in 40 years made me feel anything other than loved and supported. Even when I know they've been concerned. Every child should have that, even when long past childhood. I'm sorry you haven't. But your mother sounds broken by generations of dysfunction and absent maternal feeling. Maybe it's time to cut the poison off.

P Ming (sorry) I just want to read this all through properly as she sounds so much like my old bitch of a mother. But fwiw I think you did the right thing, I know you had no support, and that was your main reason but I've always said that I would absolutely not have a baby unless the father was fully 'in the picture'.

Bummy - I am so sorry to read this from you - as if you didn't have enough shit from your ILs, but your mother too??
I thought you'd have a nice haven when you got back to the UK, somewhere you could unwind and re-fortify yourself for when (or even potentially if) you went back to the not-so-great situation you're in there - but no! Seems like your UK sojourn runs the risk of being fraught with more Dramaz, once again inflicted upon you by your senior generation!!

So so sad.

I think your best bet is to do what you've thought to do - back off now until Christmas, don't contact her at all until you get there, and then hopefully she'll be all sweetness and light. DON'T write her a letter at all. Maybe on the last but one day of your visit, have a talk with her along the lines of "did you mean to be so fucking cruel to me?" - that will give you a day to sort stuff if it's sortable (and only a day to put up with shit if it isn't :( )

So pissed off for you though - as you said, having one set of selfish narc style grandparents is bad enough, but to get it from both sets is just upsetting. HOWEVER -- you will break the pattern with your own DS. And you are showing him that their bad behaviour is unacceptable. All good lessons - and hopefully ones he will carry forward to the next generation as well. You're playing the long game here.

Op, lovely.

I cannot imagine anything so cruel.

I can only offer a bit of my own family's experience, and not to hurt you at all. My Mother's mother (I refuse to call her my grandmother) was a nasty toxic woman.She made my mother's life a misery.My mother would call her, or see her and would inevitably end up in tears afterwards. It was frankly a relief for the entire family when she passed. (I was 24).

But, my mother would always go back to her. She would say she would go nc for a bit, but would always get sucked back in, on the idea that families were important. Her inability to let go and focus on her own family (dad and me) meant that we were like yo yos, and always trying to pickup the pieces of my mother's shattered emotions afterwards. My father finally when I was about ten said he had had enough and would not enable my mother in this anymore and refused at that point on to ever have anything to do with his MIL. So I felt obliged to pick up the reins and to support my mother which meant going with her when she went to visit etc. It was a terrible terrible thing to do, and it very badly affected me growing up. I was on the receiving end of nastiness and snide comments (it was a good way to hurt my mother by going through me) and frankly at the age of 43 now I am still affected by those family dynamics. When my son was born I felt such anger that my mother did not protect me from her toxic, vicious nasty family. My mother wanted to play happy families and to have a relationship, but it would have been better for her mental health if she had just left her family to it.

What I think I am saying is that you have suffered significantly at the hands of your mother. Please be very careful before you think you can nourish or foster and healthy relationship with ehr for your DS. You need to protect your DS. That may mean complete NC. I wish, I wish my mother had done that for us. Even now, she is still like a puppy seeking scraps of approval from her family (she has older siblings,and the toxic stuff just keeps playing itself out).

Good luck. I want to reach out and hug you.

she is more likely to decide you are having some kind of breakdown and then take the letter around the family to get them on board with her
I agree, a letter or e-mail will be broadcast to other people and used to get them on her side, dont give her anything to use against you.
Dont explain or justify anything, just adjust the level of contact to something that you can cope with, make sure everything is on your terms

She sounds so cruel. There is no need for cruelty of that magnitude... none at all.

This is said from someone who believes that abortion should be a last resort. I personally think if someone takes the choice to have an abortion they have their reasons, and no one should ever, ever question someone's reasoning for it.

I would ask her how she felt about having a part to play in the circumstances that lead to you having an abortion? Doesn't it haunt her that she feels so strongly about it, yet she pushed her own daughter to have an abortion, the same daughter who then tried to kill herself? Maybe if she was a kinder type of mother she would have supported you in the first place.

Hugs to you. and flowers!

My mother sounds like yours. I've had a stand off with her and I "won". Although it shouldn't be about winning of course. She went too far as your mother has with you. I'll tell you what I did in relation to your situation. My mother said some awful things to me, which were about my daughter btw, who was only 7 at the time. Then about a month later, was awful about me. Enough was enough.

I already had a strategy for dealing with the nastiness, which you don't have yet. So last time she started, I told her what she was saying was not appropriate and needed to stop. Then when she didn't stop, I told her I would put the phone. She then proceeded shout at me so I said "ok bye then mum, speak to you another time". Over the top of her and put the phone down.

Putting the phone down will have been considered extremely rude as she considers herself my elder and better. She didn't call me as she was waiting for an apology and 3.5 weeks passed. By that stage, I was ready to try to get an apology from her so I called her with the express motive of getting an apology. I was composed and did it in front of my counsellor - a trusted friend may also work to keep someone on point. I told her that what she said was unacceptable. She denied saying it. I repeated and said I would like an apology. She threw some serious mud at me and tried to get into an argument about other things. I'm sure yours would do the same and perhaps even call you a slut or worse for getting an abortion. This is the point NOT to get drawn in and NOT to mention her lack of interest in your wellbeing at that time. This would be the time to simply say this isn't the topic of the conversation today and bring it back round to the reason for the call - does she intend to apologise?. In the end, mother flat refused. So I said ok there was no point continuing the conversation and that I would speak to her another time and said bye and quickly put the phone down before she had time to respond.

I'm sure she was very confused.

Almost a month later, I received a sort apology. She wrote to me. It was a "I'm sorry if" type with little content. Since then, the tides turned and I now am the one, who no longer accepts her behaviour and she now backs down with me. It's amazing. And the guilt at only speaking to her every 2/3 weeks is slowly subsiding.

Perhaps you could try it with your dm if you decide to continue contact. My mother was told on no certain terms that she was to be respectful particularly in relation to my dd as access to her is a privilege not a right.

Thankfully apart from some of the awful things she said, she is a far better grandmother thank parent.

This has made her incredibly bitter and dh thinks she's so awful to me because she's jealous I have a happy and mostly secure home life.

Was this the reason she was so horrible to you in your childhood, or why she didnt give you any support when you were going through that horrible time?

It sounds to me like youve taken this comment on board because its another form of saying "shes horrible to you because of something youve done by marrying your husband. You caused this." and thats wrong.
It sounds like shes horrible to you for no other reason than she can be, because she was raised with the expectation that the daughter is there to be the punching bag.
You are not just there to be her punching bag, walk away and let her spew all her poison over someone else.

Thumbwitches- I am the one with the toxic in laws. Mil has started to make more of an effort with ds so we're not a nc as I'd like now but it make him so happy to spend time with her. I really wasn't planning on going back to the UK for Christmas as most of the family don't appreciate the huge effort it takes to get back. I posted the other week about how dm refuses to let db move out of the double room in her house into a smaller single for a week as it's 'his room and too disruptive for him' meaning we have to shell out £500 on an Airbnb. But my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer and I have to see him. So it's likely to be a shit and depressing trip all round but staying here with in laws wouldn't be much better!

Dude- that's just it. I feel if I go nc it would be more for ds. I don't want him to grow up hearing his Mother and possibly himself put down. The cycle has to stop somewhere.

Hutch - I'm done trying to rationalise her behaviour. Dh spent two days trying to make me feel better by excusing her cruelness until I told him I'd had enough. He said he really thinks she has metal health issues and feels sorry for her. Which I agree with but enough becomes enough and I need to start caring for myself and more importantly, ds now.

Mummy - I don't have the guts for that. I'm ashamed to say my Mother terrifies me. She can be extremely vicious. I could take nc but I don't think I'm strong enough yet to bear insults from her. I'm actually smiling to wonder what would happen if I hung up on her. I'd probably hear the war cry from across the Atlantic!

It is funny storm- she has all of her kids so cowed down but me especially. The others she is so careful around. Make comments about how we need to be sensitive to their body image, not get on their backs for failed relationships (db recently treated a long term gf nothing short of horrifically and my mum said nothing. Completely took his side. Made excuses for him. Said she probably deserved it. This is coming from a woman that has suffered so much at the hands of a man. It made me sick. "Boys will be boys. They'll all do it at some point, could easily happen to you too."

If dh knew half of the awful things she said about him it would break his heart.

Gah.

I'm feeling a lot better about it now. It took a few days to process. I still don't know what I'm going to do. Dm sent a load of birthday presents for ds yesterday which made me a little weepy. Definitely no letter. I think I'll play out Christmas with minimal contact and opening up and then go ultra low contact after.

As someone said the other day- I'm not going to give her the bullets to shoot me with anymore.

It's weird as I usually retain a really good sense of humour as a defence mechanism but this knocked me for six. No jokes to be had and that made it harder than usual to cope. Cathartic in a way though.

Thanks everyone so much for your kind words and the time you took to comment. It helped so much, I would have been lost without you all.

I used to be terrified of my mother btw and would have said the same as you a couple of years ago. You are an adult, she is and adult and in contrast to the training she gave you growing up, you are equal. It's amazing once you stand up to the bullies, they normally back down. My mother has been so nice to me the last few weeks since she's finally realised she can't run rings round me. It's actually quite amusing. And a bit of a relief.

Glad you're feeling better.