To be heartbroken by dm's comments on abortion?

[Bummymummy77]

Huge long post I'm sorry I'm just in a state and nobody in real life except dh to talk to and he's working all day.

Dm rang this morning to gloat over the Trump victory.

After telling her about all the awful things that stand to happen to us as a family I said "well what about women's rights?"

"What women's rights?"

"Women's right to chose what happens to her body."

"You mean abortion? Well if he makes that illegal that would be the best thing any leader has done in years."

Cue silence from me. My Mother knows I had an abortion 15 years ago. She knows very well because it led to me moving back home with her for a while after a suicide attempt.

I was happily engaged to a wonderful man (I thought) . I fell pregnant and he disappeared. Turns out he was already married with a house I knew nothing about. He never contacted me once after finding out I was pregnant.

So after a lot of soul searching and speaking to my family, all of whom were very upfront that I'd have to go it alone both financially and emotionally as they lived far away, I decided to terminate. Not for me. I wanted the baby deeply, I've never been happier when I found out I was pregnant. It was 100% a choice for my child.

The termination was botched. I was treated very cruelly by a couple of the nurses, wasn't sedated enough so felt and was fully aware of the whole process. They also didn't remove all of it so a while later I collapsed in a shop and had to be rushed in to hospital.

After this I went off the rails, lost my job and then attempted suicide. An amazing local mental health support team and my gp got me back together.

Not one visit from one family member. Although I understand it's complexed and hard when a relative does something like this. I don't blame them for that.

Anyway, this is just background to avoid drip feeding, sorry it's long.

So the conversation carries on with us not mentioning mine. I ask things like "well what about a child that's not wanted. Or if a parent decides the best thing for their child is to not be born for X reasons?"

My Mum answers many things which I don't have the energy or heart to repeat but the last thing she said was "abortion should be illegal except in extreme cases of rape and all these women doing it are disgusting, selfish women who deserve prison. It's too easy to get an abortion and loose women are using it as birth control and should be ashamed of themselves. I hope they do stop it."

Aibu to be beyond heartbroken? I have a very very rocky relationship with my Mum but at least have always looked up to her as a self proclaimed feminist and strong women who's overcome so much.

I now don't like her. I can't stand the thought of spending time with her this Christmas if this is how she thinks of me.

She must have said it to hurt me. She's more than aware of how I'd take this surely?

I don't know what to do, she's made me feel so ashamed and destroyed but then at the end of the conversation started talking about Xmas presents for ds.

If I go non contact with her the rest of my family will turn against me. They don't see any of this behaviour, she'll paint it as me. Ds has precious little family as it is, I don't want him to lose that whole side which I know we will.

Can I just shrug this off and ignore it? I feel like this was abusive. I feel like she's trying to hurt me. If I ignore this will it get worse?

You sound like you have had a terrible time. I wonder if on some level that is because your mother has always been emotionally abusive towards you hence in your hour of need you understandably crumbled due to a complete lack of support/understanding. As others have said only you can decide on whether to remain in contact with her but ask yourself this question: do you want your son to be around that poison and thus think that's a normal way to treat people/be treated? I have NC with my mother as she too is emotionally abusive. I made the decision to step out of her life as I was no longer willing to put up with her vile treatment of me and others at times. My siblings have all taken her side and don't talk to me which isn't ideal. However, I have some fantastic friends and i regard them now as my family. They are all amazing with my LO so I don't feel he will miss out. Even more so as they are all very positive role models for DS which is so much healthier for him and for me. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Spot on hutchblue

I'm furious and gobsmacked for you Op. For your M to have such an evil verbal tirade and then switch so casually to Christmas presents?!?
Drop her. Walk away and forget her. I was in a similar situation and made a choice that i believe saved my life. I'm so so bloody sorry you've endured so much

There's no point calling her out. It would only end up making you more upset.

You can go NC with her without telling her. Just always be busy. When she phones you're walking out the door. When she makes plans with you, you get ill or something comes up. Just have minimal contact with very little conversation beyond the weather and the dc's. That's how I manage mine.

I don't think I could come back from having heard something like that from her. This is what she really thinks. I'd be considering NC.

I am so sorry you had to suffer that at the hands of your own mum - I understand your concerns about going non contact for your child, but do you really want that influence around them? What happens when they do something she doesn't like?

Please never talk to this woman again.

Please look in the mirror and say to yourself - I am blessed, I have a great DH, I have a beautiful DS, I have a great life.

Except your mother for what she is, you can't change her and you don't want to go NC. Limit what you tell her, always sound happy, tell her how happy you are - that is enough punishment for her.

Thank her for her comments, tell her hubby and you are just fine and everything is healthy if she knows what you mean & life is idyllic.

Good luck with the treatment, if it doesn't work you have your lovely son.

Forgot to say "Evil Bitch"

She's also been banging on recently about how I'm lazy and need to find a job you are an adult and you can run your life and allocate your time however you see fit.
Dont respond to or acknowledge her opinions or judgement, just change the subject, dont be drawn, dont take ever the bait.
Her opinion is irrelevant

She's abusive and you (and your family) are her victims. She gives you enough tiny snippets of 'niceness' to leave you hoping which keeps pulling you back to giving her more chances.

She's a cunt, she's not a mother she rented you womb space for a while. I'm a mum I would never ever say something like that to my DC. If I'd forgotten dd had a traumatic abortion and attempted suicide as soon as the penny dropped I'd have been apologising forever. Then again I'd never have forgotten the pain my dd had been through.
You say you're in different countries. Just go nc without her knowing. Change your phone number or get caller ID and block her number.
Did I mention she's a nasty cunt?
Love and hugs and good luck with the fertility treatment.

It was very cruel, but people tend to view abortion as a very black and white issue. If you're in favour of the right for a woman to choose, there can be no compromise with people who want abortion banned. If you want abortion banned, there can be no compromise with people who want the right to choose. There is no middle ground - it is theoretically impossible. (Any middle ground would mean you were in favour of abortion on some level, which means you believe the rights of the unborn are not automatically greater than the rights of the living adult woman.)

It does frustrate though that in American politics it is very much a Republican versus Democrat view. One of the first acts Trump takes will be to ban funding to pro-choice groups, just as one of Obama's first acts was to undo the ban that had been in place for the previous eight years.

The best advice is, "If you don't want an abortion, don't have one!"

Nothing to add to the wise words above but so sorry and shocked to read she could be so cruel. Just wanted to say you deserve better

Wow it gets worse. You and your son sounds better off without her 'helpful' comments/advice.

It's understandable that you love her- she's your mother. But surely, as others have said, it cannot be doing your MH any good having her using you as an emotional punchbag. She sounds like a narcissist. She needs you, but she degrades you. She isn't going to change.

Your mother is the polar opposite of what any mother should be. She should be loving, supportive, encouraging, understanding etc what you're describing is emotionally abusive. I know you're trying to put your son's feelings first but do you really want her to end up manipulating him too? It's so sad that you seem to be craving her love and approval and she doesn't deserve it. Cut her out and be happy with your little family X

Thank you all so much. I don't know what I'd have done without the support of mumsnet today.

Hutch and diet - your posts made me bawl. Unusual for me, I'm a tough old boot.

Diet- the being breezy and nice is what dh suggests. At least until after our Xmas trip. He thinks the biggest way to get to her is to make small talk and pretend life is wonderful. I mean it's not a huge lie, we're pretty happy.

I don't want to get to her though. It's not a game. I just don't want to be hurt anymore.

So I'll go nc until Christmas, see how she acts then (hopefully she'll have realised and be lovely but I'd say that's a 0.09% chance) and then send her a letter explaining the things she's done and said to hurt me and take it from there. Maybe she'll break down and things will change but if not I'll be going totally nc.

It's a horrible, awful realisation that the person you had on a pedestal all your life is not only not such a nice person but also probably dislikes and resents you.

Poor ds, he's been stuck in front of the tv all morning while I cry and he's confused. I need to pull my shit together and get out in the sunshine. Doesn't help I've got bloody tonsillitis and an sinus infection and just want to hide under a blanket!

Do you think your mum has forgotten about your abortion and didn't realise what she was saying.

I was wondering if OP's mother had convinced herself that nothing had happened - no pregnancy, no cruel external pressure on her daughter, no abortion, no breakdown.

This way she absolve herself of any responsibility.

I'm so sorry you had to go through this with her.

Not that it matters because I'm a random off the internet but I'm so sorry your wonderful man abandoned you and I applaud you for taking such a strong decision to ensure you only became a mother when you could do it right for your child. I don't think that we acknowledge the strength and dignity of that enough.

I'm sorry that your mother couldn't tell you that. That's what your mother should be telling you. I don't know why your mother doesn't support you the way a mother should. It's what every child should have, as you know.

I agree with other posters - take some time to think about all the good things you have in your life, that you have built for yourself with strength and a strong sense of what's right for you, and then consider whether she adds to the good or not.

Jayzus it dosnt sound like your Ds will be missing much if you stop contact.
Why would you keep letting yourself be hurt by this woman?
If she has no compassion and understanding for you her daughter than why would you want her around your son?
Put your energy into your family and make it happy for them.

I get the 'realisation' thing. It's like your world is turned upside down.

My parents were abusive- when someone pointed it out it was literally like I didn't know what was going on any more…if the person/people who love you most do that then what is going on?

I still have contact with my parents but with massive boundaries- the frigging Berlin Wall of Boundaries.

I will probably see my parents at Christmas for a couple of hours maximum, with the kids, but mine don't do anything like your mother does. Most of their stuff is in the past thank god.

I would take the time to think about whether you feel that your DS's Christmas would benefit from time spent with your DM or not, as sometimes it is difficult to think about ourselves and our own wellbeing, but easier if it's the kids IYSWIM.

She sounds dreadful. I could imagine this coming out of my mother's mouth.

The only thing you did wrong in the conversation was fail to use the big red off button. That's what it's there for. Either hang up if really bad or : "Ok mum, I'll speak to you another time when you are willing to have a sensible discussion/are in a better mood. Bye". . You have no obligation to continue a conversation with someone, who is emotionally and verbally abusing you.

That's wilful bloody cruelty to you by your mother. Now you know what she really thinks. I'd be going low contact at the very least after that. Stick to general subjects in future and watch her like a hawk round your kids until they're old enough to work out what she's really like for themselves. Does she turn every conversation around to herself and her opinions?