To be heartbroken by dm's comments on abortion?

[Bummymummy77]

Huge long post I'm sorry I'm just in a state and nobody in real life except dh to talk to and he's working all day.

Dm rang this morning to gloat over the Trump victory.

After telling her about all the awful things that stand to happen to us as a family I said "well what about women's rights?"

"What women's rights?"

"Women's right to chose what happens to her body."

"You mean abortion? Well if he makes that illegal that would be the best thing any leader has done in years."

Cue silence from me. My Mother knows I had an abortion 15 years ago. She knows very well because it led to me moving back home with her for a while after a suicide attempt.

I was happily engaged to a wonderful man (I thought) . I fell pregnant and he disappeared. Turns out he was already married with a house I knew nothing about. He never contacted me once after finding out I was pregnant.

So after a lot of soul searching and speaking to my family, all of whom were very upfront that I'd have to go it alone both financially and emotionally as they lived far away, I decided to terminate. Not for me. I wanted the baby deeply, I've never been happier when I found out I was pregnant. It was 100% a choice for my child.

The termination was botched. I was treated very cruelly by a couple of the nurses, wasn't sedated enough so felt and was fully aware of the whole process. They also didn't remove all of it so a while later I collapsed in a shop and had to be rushed in to hospital.

After this I went off the rails, lost my job and then attempted suicide. An amazing local mental health support team and my gp got me back together.

Not one visit from one family member. Although I understand it's complexed and hard when a relative does something like this. I don't blame them for that.

Anyway, this is just background to avoid drip feeding, sorry it's long.

So the conversation carries on with us not mentioning mine. I ask things like "well what about a child that's not wanted. Or if a parent decides the best thing for their child is to not be born for X reasons?"

My Mum answers many things which I don't have the energy or heart to repeat but the last thing she said was "abortion should be illegal except in extreme cases of rape and all these women doing it are disgusting, selfish women who deserve prison. It's too easy to get an abortion and loose women are using it as birth control and should be ashamed of themselves. I hope they do stop it."

Aibu to be beyond heartbroken? I have a very very rocky relationship with my Mum but at least have always looked up to her as a self proclaimed feminist and strong women who's overcome so much.

I now don't like her. I can't stand the thought of spending time with her this Christmas if this is how she thinks of me.

She must have said it to hurt me. She's more than aware of how I'd take this surely?

I don't know what to do, she's made me feel so ashamed and destroyed but then at the end of the conversation started talking about Xmas presents for ds.

If I go non contact with her the rest of my family will turn against me. They don't see any of this behaviour, she'll paint it as me. Ds has precious little family as it is, I don't want him to lose that whole side which I know we will.

Can I just shrug this off and ignore it? I feel like this was abusive. I feel like she's trying to hurt me. If I ignore this will it get worse?

Not one visit from your family? they are not family, they cruel heartless, selfish people. As a poster has already said what do you get from the relationship? Having family for your DS is not a good enough reason.

I really don't want to explain to the rest of my family about the abortion. I'm pretty sure they are all anti abortion. And she'll just wriggle out of it anyway.

We've recently gone nc with dhs Mum and I feel like I'm depriving ds of his two Grandmas. Much as I know it's the right choice it makes me so sad.

YANBU to feel very hurt - she could have expressed her pro-life views in a very much more sensitive way.

It would be totally reasonable to raise the subject with her, to say that you're hurt she put it so starkly, that it was a heart-breaking time of your life and you genuinely tried to do the right thing, and that what she said made you feel as if she has a very low opinion of you.

Ideally, she'll realise how unkind she was and apologise, and you, even if you're still hurting, will be able to spend Christmas with, and over time the relationship will heal.

It's possible that she is judging you harshly partly because she wrongly thinks you don't care about that first child and are unaffected by the whole episode, especially if you've been strong and stoic about it over the last few years.

But even if she meant to be unkind, please don't cut her out of your life. Maybe don't see her this Christmas. But I'm sad that so many posters are just saying to cut off contact with your mother... Her comments were cruel, but she's still your mother. Hope you find a way to reconcile.

Do you think your mum has forgotten about your abortion and didn't realise what she was saying.

I hate pro life group how dare they decide what to do with a women body.

I am absolutely not saying this as a criticism of anyone here, but I think there's a very natural tendency, amongst people who do have loving, nurturing family relationships, to try to minimise and excuse terrible behaviour. Or to see something as an isolated incident when, in the context of an ongoing and toxic relationship, it's part of a pattern. It's like people who have good families can't really even imagine the level of cruelty that can be inflicted by toxic family members. And why would they be able to, really? Some of the things that are done and said are, quite literally, unbelievable. People with good families really shouldn't be able to imagine that - and no-one should have to go through it.

This is why the stately homes thread is so good - because it's a place where the norm isn't assumed. Please do head over there, OP.

Why would she do this now? As we're about to undergo fertility treatment and she knows I'm starting to see ds as a probable only child. It's going around in my head and the i conclusion I come to is that she's trying to hurt me. I can't comprehend why a mother would try to hurt her own child.

Your mom has had a hard life, but that does not change how vicious she is towards you.
you won't be depriving him of anything.

for what you suffered with your termination. I had one too under similar circumstances, its very hard. Many woman have had, and we know it was the right thing to do. Hugs to you x

bummymummy I'm all for seeing the best in people, and have never suggested anyone go non-contact before.

But this woman takes the biscuit. There is no way of possibly seeing any mitigating circumstances for what she has said, and done. She has not supported you in the past, and now, she's raking over old wounds in what must only be an attempt to cause upset. In families even if you don't agree with a family members choices- e.g. partner, lifestyle choices, abortion then you should still be there to support the individual!

I'm really sorry but from what you've said, she sounds toxic and someone to be avoided. Generally (I've found) if people treat you like crap and get away with it, it will continue.

Shove- thank you, I will. I've been ignoring, excusing and minimising her behaviour my whole life up until now but I don't feel I can anymore.

Eve - that's what I keep hoping. But it was such a mess I don't see how she could.

I feel she's dangerous for my ds to be around.

She holds my brothers on a pedestal and will speak to me like I'm shit. I partly think it's because outwardly I'm a very tough cookie. And I think she's proud to think she was instrumental in that. It'll help me survive in this awful world.

She constantly tells me I need to be nice to dh and keep myself looking good because inevitably he's going to leave me for someone younger and more fun.

But she's my Mum and I love her deeply. This is so fucked up. This is all cutting so much deeper as it was our due date a couple of days ago (miscarriage) and so I've been a lot more sensitive. Especially around baby related issues.

Hideously cruel OP, especially from your own Mother. 😡
I can't imagine how you must be feeling, somewhat bewildered I guess.
This isn't something that you can turn a blind eye to, nor should you. Is there a female in your family, who you trust and can confide in ? If the answer is yes, then do so, and talk it through, maybe she could enlighten you, as to the rest of the family's opinions, of your Mother
If the answer is no, then you have some decisions to make.
Do you really want to spend Christmas with your Mother and family ?
Is it in your DSs best interests ?
Would talking about this with her, change things?
I'm so very sorry that you had to endure what you did, and not have the love of your family, and poor excuse of a Mother, to support you.
Whatever you decide Sweet, do it for you. 🌺🌺🌺
.

Just seen the fail has picked up some odd threads today. This no chance they'd pick this up is there?!

OP replace the wording "depriving" with "protecting" and see how your sentence sounds out loud.

Double it's something I think about every day. I can't imagine it's an easy choice for anyone ever but the added complications turned it in to something extremely traumatic which I'll never get over.

It was incredibly insensitive of your Mother. And I am sorry you went through a traumatic time following your abortion, it sounds horrific.

Abortion is a tricky subject, very divisive. I was always Pro womans choice. Unfortunately, some of us have had that opinion changed to a degree. For example, an ex friend of mine aborted at 20wks. Another friend had 4 abortions, and when she met her Dp entered into a fifth pregnancy and had a child.

Neither scenario sat well with me. At all. By the sounds of it, you made the best decision for yourself and foetus at that time, and there's nothing you can do to change the past. But as hurtful as you find it, some people do not condone abortion. For the sake of salvaging a relationship, you may need to make it clear that whilst you respect her opinions, you find them hurtfull and insensitive. You didn't abort as a form of contraceptive, you had no other choice at the time, and emotionally and mentally you have had to come to terms with it. Don't let her comments drag you down x

Cut her out of your life.
Be happy.
You don't need that kind of cruel misery in your life.
Walk away.

She sounds like a bad mother and bad grandmother, you shouldn't have to bite back or protect your son. You shouldnt have to hear her cruelty either.

Better no grandmothers then toxic ones who will treat your ds as she does you (be it now or eventually).

You love her but does she love you to be so cruel? What positivity does she bring to you and your ds life? What does your dh think?

She is no mother.

Concentrate on your own family.

I wonder if this is really about abortion for her and more about the circumstances in which it came about.

You say that the father was married but that you had no idea until he left. Is it possible, given her history, that she actually doesn't believe you didn't know and thinks that you were knowingly the OW and then terminated your pregnancy when details of his marriage etc became public? I have actually seen posts on here from women who have found out they're pregnant by a married man who have had responses along the lines of that they should have been certain he wasn't married before getting pregnant etc. All incredibly short-sighted and horrible, but a good indication that there are people out there who are less inclined to believe a woman's story that she was unknowingly the OW - even more so if they themselves have been victims of an affair.

Abortion is an emotive topic as it is, and reality is that so many people have so many differing views on the subject. Your mum's comments were certainly on the extreme end of the scale, but as comparison, my mum's opinion is at the other end of the scale where she e.g. Believes that women who don't terminate pregnancies where disability is detected are selfish. My own opinions sit somewhere in the middle of those two extremes, and as such I personally think that on the whole it is a topic best avoided, as people rarely agree entirely on it.

If your mum is toxic in other ways then I would certainly minimise contact with her.

I totally respect if that is her view. But there were many ways she could have got that across without making me feel ashamed, like a careless tramp and a selfish murderer.

I said several times "let's agree to disagree on this Mum" "ok well we obviously don't see eye to eye on this but let's drop it" and she steamed on.

It's weird, thinking about it, she's been more antagonistic than usual in the last few years since ds was born.

She's said a few times how ds is slow. He was at walking (16 months but he had a medical foot issue he was receiving pt for), but his speech was and is two years above his expected level. She always points out how he's too thin and looks ill. She's also been banging on recently about how I'm lazy and need to find a job. Ds is at home with me all day as in my opinion the only local pre school is below standard and not a place I'd send the dog, dh works long hours 6 days a week and we grow our own food for most of the year and raise chickens so I don't get time to laze around watching tv as she seems to think.

What usually happens when she's said something awful is i avoid her calls for a few weeks then she's super nice.

I want to call her out on it but she'll tell me she didn't say those things and wriggle out of it somehow and turn it on to me to be the baddy. I don't have the emotional strength to do that at the moment.

"will speak to me like I'm shit."

For that reason alone you would be justified in going NC.

You probably would if it was a friend.

Do you feel that she loves you at all?

Better no GM than a crap one imo.

I am so sorry that you had to go through that and that none of your family came to help you. It is truly shocking that they refused to support you and then didn't visit you.

I second the advice to go over to the Stately Homes thread. Your family sounds deeply toxic - the treating your brother as the golden child and you as the scapegoat is classic - but it is something that is very hard to accept. You, like most people, keep trying to believe that it is fixable, that your mother doesn't really mean to hurt you, that she must love you etc. It doesn't really work like that, but you need advice from people who've been in the same situation - as shovetheholly says.

I'm glad you have a lovely DS, and I think that protecting him from his GM by making sure he never has to deal with her would be a wonderful thing to for him.

I want to call her out on it but she'll tell me she didn't say those things and wriggle out of it somehow and turn it on to me to be the baddy

Bummy some people are just predatory, if they have something on you they will use it
you're hoping, I presume, that if you reason with her she will have some empathy with you, see your point of view, be kind?
That is completely understandable, our parents ought at least to have our backs, to want the best from us, but some of them just dont.
You cant make her into the mother you deserve and need, you must protect yourself from her