To be heartbroken by dm's comments on abortion?

[Bummymummy77]

Huge long post I'm sorry I'm just in a state and nobody in real life except dh to talk to and he's working all day.

Dm rang this morning to gloat over the Trump victory.

After telling her about all the awful things that stand to happen to us as a family I said "well what about women's rights?"

"What women's rights?"

"Women's right to chose what happens to her body."

"You mean abortion? Well if he makes that illegal that would be the best thing any leader has done in years."

Cue silence from me. My Mother knows I had an abortion 15 years ago. She knows very well because it led to me moving back home with her for a while after a suicide attempt.

I was happily engaged to a wonderful man (I thought) . I fell pregnant and he disappeared. Turns out he was already married with a house I knew nothing about. He never contacted me once after finding out I was pregnant.

So after a lot of soul searching and speaking to my family, all of whom were very upfront that I'd have to go it alone both financially and emotionally as they lived far away, I decided to terminate. Not for me. I wanted the baby deeply, I've never been happier when I found out I was pregnant. It was 100% a choice for my child.

The termination was botched. I was treated very cruelly by a couple of the nurses, wasn't sedated enough so felt and was fully aware of the whole process. They also didn't remove all of it so a while later I collapsed in a shop and had to be rushed in to hospital.

After this I went off the rails, lost my job and then attempted suicide. An amazing local mental health support team and my gp got me back together.

Not one visit from one family member. Although I understand it's complexed and hard when a relative does something like this. I don't blame them for that.

Anyway, this is just background to avoid drip feeding, sorry it's long.

So the conversation carries on with us not mentioning mine. I ask things like "well what about a child that's not wanted. Or if a parent decides the best thing for their child is to not be born for X reasons?"

My Mum answers many things which I don't have the energy or heart to repeat but the last thing she said was "abortion should be illegal except in extreme cases of rape and all these women doing it are disgusting, selfish women who deserve prison. It's too easy to get an abortion and loose women are using it as birth control and should be ashamed of themselves. I hope they do stop it."

Aibu to be beyond heartbroken? I have a very very rocky relationship with my Mum but at least have always looked up to her as a self proclaimed feminist and strong women who's overcome so much.

I now don't like her. I can't stand the thought of spending time with her this Christmas if this is how she thinks of me.

She must have said it to hurt me. She's more than aware of how I'd take this surely?

I don't know what to do, she's made me feel so ashamed and destroyed but then at the end of the conversation started talking about Xmas presents for ds.

If I go non contact with her the rest of my family will turn against me. They don't see any of this behaviour, she'll paint it as me. Ds has precious little family as it is, I don't want him to lose that whole side which I know we will.

Can I just shrug this off and ignore it? I feel like this was abusive. I feel like she's trying to hurt me. If I ignore this will it get worse?

She does not like you and I doubt she loves you. Why keep allowing someone who dislikes you to hurt you?

Bummymummy it sounds to me like you have come too far in life to let this issue destroy your family and have people thinking it was your fault. For the benefit of the family unit I would suggest contacting your DM by email (ie traceable, so no minced words can be claimed) and explain to her how hurt you felt by her comments. Then, the ball is in her court to apologise and you must decide how you want to continue the relationship. Going 'NC' is a big decision, perhaps distancing done incrementally would be less traumatic and maybe the rest of the family could come to terms with it - ie you don't go to less important 'family' events, and then gradually decrease appearances at bigger events until you have 'phased' her out of your life? It gives you both time to constantly reassess how you treat each other, and make the changes if so desired, without the potentially regrettable but inevitable family fall-out? Whatever you decide I wish you luck and strength.

I recently had a not dissimilar conversation with a long time friend (I know that this is not comparable to having it with your mother, but I feel this is relevant). My thinking after this conversation was "Does X bring joy to my life?" and the honest answer was no. If you ask yourself this question, what would the answer be? Especially in light of a really cruel conversation.

On your family, ask the same question. Apart from the feeling of wanting a family (which I completely acknowledge), do you want the people who are your family to be close to you? Do they add value to your life? Or would you be better off devoting your energy and emotions to your son and your friends, who will actually make you happy?

I am so, so sorry you've been through the trauma of a botched abortion, and that insult has been added to that injury by your mother's behaviour.

I'm afraid I think you are right that her comments were deliberately said to hurt you. My mother (a feminist, like yours), once became very anti-abortion. Turned out she was doing it to cause pain to my aunt, who had aborted her first child (she was very young). I think sometimes people just want to cause pain. I don't know why this is - but whatever the reason, it is toxic, dysfunctional and completely unacceptable behaviour.

There is a thread in Relationships called 'stately homes' for those with toxic families. You may find it helpful to post in there.

She's toxic. You need to get to the Stately Homes threads and get some support to hoist her out of your life.

My heart is aching for you. Most people have no idea of the impact of abortion on the mental and physical health of a woman. It's rarely an option that women take lightly.

I would hope that I would never speak to my child like that if she was in your situation.

She is very cruel

OK, devil's advocate here.

Might her views on abortion have changed after she saw how horribly you were affected by yours? (and then she forgot who she was speaking to and the original reason for her about-face)

She sounds awful, I am not surprised you are upset. I wonder if she has blocked your terrible experiences out of her memory in some way? To maje you fit her internal view of how her daughter should be.

I ask this because my own mum once made a very disparaging remark to me about young women who have children by more than one man. She was surprised when I challenged her on this but eventually the penny dropped.
She herself got pregnant outside marriage when she was very young (with me). Her family forced her and the boy into a shotgun wedding. It did not go well, he was violent and when I was 6 months old and she was pregnant with my little sister, Mum ran off with her husband's work colleague. For an Irish Catholic family in the early 1960s this was a massive, massive scandal. In fact it was all was all a bit Jeremy Kyle with interventions and people going NC and police being called.
Mum went on to marry the colleague, he adopted me and DSis and they had children. And somehow she had blocked this entire part of her life from her mind. In her head she has always been a respectable married woman and so was entitled to judge others.

It is a powerful level of denial, I think Mum has to be quite a narcissist to manage it. She has other narcissistic qualities to including a total inability to empathise. I wonder if your mum is similar?

Playing devil's advocate... is perhaps her stance on abortion because she saw how hard it hit you, and your mental health and thinks that had you gone ahead and had the baby you wouldn't have had to go through the botched care and the rest of it?

Ateno - if she were actually caring for the OP, she wouldn't be saying "All these women doing it [abortion] are disgusting, selfish women who deserve prison. It's too easy to get an abortion and loose women are using it as birth control and should be ashamed of themselves." The attitude here is quite clear.

Or what Atenco said.

She sounds seriously cruel! I would definitely go no contact. Surely if the rest of your family are going to take sides with your mum & not speak to you, it shows that they aren't really worth bothering with anyway.

To me it sounds like everything that got said was held in to for a while. Maybe feelings she felt at the time you had you had your abortion that she just didn't say. As you said she must of known that what she was saying was going to have a big impact on you but she kept going.. no mum who didn't want to upset their child would carry on with the conversation or they would at least slip in that they didn't feel this way about what you had to do!

You sound like a very strong woman! Who has gone through the worst of situations but come out fighting!!! I'm sure going nc would only make you stronger. You don't need that kind of poison in your life especially coming from someone who is meant to love and support you no matter what.

That really is awful for you OP.

My DSis had a termination, and my mother happened to phone the day after. Usually we don't tell our parents personal stuff like that, purely because they behave in the same way as your mother, but DSis was in a place where, you know, you just want your mum, and forget all the toxic stuff, so she told her what she'd been through. Mother's response? "Did you do it to get at us, was it that 'black man' who got you pregnant?" My parents are deeply racist, in spite of my father being an immigrant himself.

Don't spend Christmas with someone so hurtful. Just because someone's your biological parent does not give them free range to stomp all over you mentally.

How horrible. My mum is anti-abortion too but would never judge me for my decision (at least not to my face!). I would be seriously considering not spending time with her.

Can you just shrug this off and ignore it? Highly unlikely I would think.

Coming from someone who didn't know your background, this bigoted vitriol that shows a complete lack of empathy and understanding would be hard enough to take, but coming from your mother and under the circumstances it's just unbelievably cruel and spiteful.

You say you don't want your DS to lose contact with this side of his family but if keeping contact with them means having this vile woman in his life, he might be better off without them.

If she can turn them against you merely by dripping poison in their ears, what potential love and loyalty are they going to bring to your DS's life.

She sounds like my mum. I am usually livid or depressed for days/weeks/months after listening to her on her soapbox on my phone bill.
I would keep phone calls short before she upsets you. Someone at the door, must go to the loo, my mobile's ringing usually works.
Your mother hasn't been the best of mums to you has she. Keep in contact but don't let her bully you.

Oh I am so sorry you have been through all this :( Your mother sounds nasty, I don't think I could look at her again after that. You need to talk to her or cut her out, it's just horrible of her to say something like that.

What an awful thing you have been through. I would go no contact absolutely. You need to protect yourself from this.
Who the hell rings to gloat anyway? How is this a loving, supportive relationship?
As others have said get some support here and in real life. She sounds an awful, nasty piece of work.

I'm so sorry your mother was so cruel to you.

This woman doesn't deserve a place in your life. Please don't let her continue to taint the life you've made with your DS. If the rest of the family take her side without hearing your side of the story, they're not worthy of you either.

How anyone could say such vile things to any other person, let alone their own daughter just horrifies me. By the way, you did the best thing you could at the time given the circumstances. No one should punish you for that.

your mother is poisonous, keep her at arms length and dont give her any opportunity to get to you or get at you.
Keep all interactions trivial and dont get drawn into serious discussions or ever confide in her, dont 'give' her anything that she can use against you.
Protect yourself

That was extraordinarily and deliberately cruel. I could not have her in my life, but obviously only you can decide what is appropriate for you.

:( horrendous. That's emotional abuse - she has seen you at your lowest and should not even entertain airing those vile views to you as it may trigger something. How awful. :(

I would recommend going no contact and telling your family the reasons why. If they choose to 'rub salt into your wounds' then you're well shut of them all.

You sound so vulnerable and I really feel for you. Big hugs!!

Atenco- this did cross my mind. But her main point was how selfish and callous women who had abortions are.

I live in a different country so it won't be hard to distance myself.

I always assumed she was pro choice. I'm sure she's said as much in the past. Maybe she was upset at the time but choose not to mention it. But then why would she have not have offered financial or emotional help? If I'd had had one person behind me at the one I would not have gone through with the termination.

I have never had an argument with my Mother. Not even a small one. She left when I was 7 and I've spent the rest of my life desperately picking up the crumbs she's offered and bending over backwards to ignore cruel things she's said. For one illustrative point- she still comments on my weight constantly yet knows fully well I've suffered from both bulimia and anorexia my whole life. I can't eat a meal without her saying "what a piggy, slow down you'll get even fatter."

Until ds was born I ignored it all. Made excuses. But I'm not subjecting him to this toxic shit. She's started in on him a couple of times and I've bitten back.

I feel like the idea of writing an email would be good. I'm too emotive and upset to do it over the phone or in person. But I need to let her know.

Her response will decide whether or not I go nc but I'm pretty sure she'll just gas light me or make an unfelt apology.

She's had a horrific life, she was cheated on by her husband and left with four young children, two with severe special needs and has never received any monetary or emotional support from their father. This has made her incredibly bitter and dh thinks she's so awful to me because she's jealous I have a happy and mostly secure home life.

I hate to think this of her but am starting to think it's true.

Going nc with her would break my heart but I fell like I need to protect myself and more important ds.

I'm so sorry your mum spoke to you like that.

I don't see how she can judge you; if she hadn't wanted you to have an abortion, she should have supported you to have the baby. As it was she left you in a position where you had to make that choice alone, so she is in no position to criticise.

I think she is trying to make you feel guilty and accept all responsibility because she put you in a position where you had to have an abortion, and wants you to take all blame so her part in it is absolved.

If you don't want to go NC, I would go low contact to facilitate ds seeing your family. But please don't take any of the crap she's saying to heart, it is because of her own guilt at what she put you through.

Also if she thinks Trump is great she probably isn't a reliable moral barometer, which I think you know, so try to remind yourself of that if she upsets you again.