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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell DS he can't drive this journey?

104 replies

velvetspoon · 08/11/2016 18:52

DS is 18, passed his test just over 2 months ago. He is a very too confident driver, although so far he has only driven locally (about a 10 mile radius of our house, though this does include some dual carriageway driving. Mostly though as we are in London, well the outskirts, it's just local, very busy roads).

This weekend he wants to go and see one of his friends who is away at Uni. The uni is about 50 miles from here. He wants to drive himself and 3 friends there in my car (we share it).

I have said no.

I think it's too far, and he is too inexperienced (the drive is mostly motorway, he hasn't driven on a motorway yet). Also the car is tiny, old, and in the 18m since i bought it, it's only been driven over 60 a couple of times (it doesn't like it!) and never for more than 20 miles.

So I have said I'll drive him to the nearest station, where he can get a direct train to the uni town, taking about an hour. Train will cost about £20 (which I've also said I'll contribute towards).

He is very keen to drive, and is now sad-facing me.

Should I stick to my guns?

OP posts:
APlaceOnTheCouch · 08/11/2016 19:20

On first reading, I thought YABU because what's the point of learning to drive if you're then not allowed to drive? And how can you get experience without driving? But actually, it's the combination of friends and first time on a motorway that would concern me so I've changed to YANBU.

throwingpebbles · 08/11/2016 19:24

I did some work experience in a personal injury law frim; awful awful stories of teenagers driving and ending with their friends having life changing injuries or worse

No passengers Until they have a decent amount of experience under their belt. No driving to the pub. No driving the day after a big night out. Please lay down these ground rules.

Sciurus83 · 08/11/2016 19:25

I think it's a bit unfair he's passed and you won't let him drive a relatively small journey. I did a much longer drive than that on motorways after passing test, you only learn that way, especially if you won't take him out. DO you think your own nervousness on motorways is clouding things a bit? Personally I find motorways much safer and easier than driving in London!

summerainbow · 08/11/2016 19:26

If he was on his own I would let him go .
But with mates no .
My son has just passed and is going on motorways after christmas when they will, l quieter and his dad is going with him.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 08/11/2016 19:27

I drove to Scotland ALONE a month after I passed my driving test.

blueistheonlycolourwefeel · 08/11/2016 19:27

I live in the Midlands and drove to Glenshee. In a metro!!!

Meluzyna · 08/11/2016 19:27

Yes, agree with all those who say he needs motorway experience with a more experienced driver at his side for the first three or four times. We did this with both our boys - the second then asked to take the fmaily car on a six hour motorway drive with two mates (Univeristy study programme trip). We let him do it - although we were both worried, we knew he'd had some experience.
He's never asked to do similar again (in the past 12 months since the experience) - he brought the car home with a scrape (turned too short into a driveway Blush and scraped it on the gatepost... but he hadn't apprecaited the costs involved and failed to ask for sufficient contributions from his mates.

pointythings · 08/11/2016 19:30

I think the friends are the problem, not the distance. And he really needs to get on the motorway and start getting some long distance stuff under his belt - but not with a load of friends distracting him.

GabsAlot · 08/11/2016 19:30

do some pass plus lessons for him will also rduce the insurance

NancyJoan · 08/11/2016 19:32

The issue for me would be the other kids in the car.

milliemolliemou · 08/11/2016 19:35

Why don't we do the Canadian system? as I understand it you're flagged for a year after passing your test and can't take more than one passenger. And why don't we do motorway driving with lessons on not using phones? To OP - stand by your guns. Just past test boy with mates, phones, high spirits? I'd be more than worried.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 08/11/2016 19:37

I've pointed out about not being able to drive the next day if he's drinking, and he's having second thoughts.

Part of the issue seems to be his mates can't afford the train...i suspect none of them would actually pay DS petrol, or it would be a couple of drinks in lieu.

The car is pretty underpowered, it's a little one litre thing, over 10 years old (think Simons car in the Inbetweeners, though a different make and model). It's hard enough to get it up to 70 with 2 people in the car, with 4 massive teens I am not sure how fast it will go.

I work in the personal injury field and have done for 20 years so am very risk averse. I have seen lots of awful accidents. Very recently colleagues were hit by a lorry on the motorway; luckily they were in a big solid 4x4 so only suffered minor injuries, but in our little car it would be much different.

OP posts:
Hereforthebeer · 08/11/2016 19:41

When i first learnt to drive i was way way more careless with friends than with family (chatting, maybe a bit of showing off). I also was mainly hungover on the way back from any visits, so not sure if he will be, but it could be a factor for the return journey.

I would say to him, if he gets experience at motorway driving then he can go and see them in a few months in the car, but you want him to drive on the motorway a few times before he does a 'road' trip' for the weekend.

Cantusethatname · 08/11/2016 19:43

My son wanted to go down the A14 on a Friday night with 3 friends in a small car (driving friend only passed 2 months before.) I was the mum who said no and he went beserk and didn't speak to me for days. Thanks be, the journey went fine - without my son. I still think I was right. I risk assessed it and I thought the risks were too high. If you think the risks are too high (and I agree they are) say no.

BakeOffBiscuits · 08/11/2016 19:45

You are doing the right thing OP. Stick to your guns.

He shouldn't be going on the motorway for the first time with 3 friends. It would be utter madness.

EweAreHere · 08/11/2016 19:45

YANBU.

FIrst time on a motorway should not be done on a long journey with 3 teenage friends in the car. Just no.

ajandjjmum · 08/11/2016 19:47

YANBU

Our rule was one passenger only (approved by DH and I) for the first six months after passing their test.

Both of our DC were driving 50 miles each a day, but they need to 'learn' to drive after they have passed, without the distraction of rowdy passengers.

EweAreHere · 08/11/2016 19:48

Cantuse, I would have said No, too. The A14 is nuts with all the lorries and impatient drivers plus Friday night traffic!

DixieWishbone · 08/11/2016 19:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsJudgemental · 08/11/2016 19:50

I drove to Italy in a classic car / old banger a month after I passed my test! I was in my mid-20s, though, and I did have a motorway driving lesson as soon as I passed my test.

Get him a motorway driving lesson, and preferably also a night driving lesson, asap. Then read him the riot act about showing off and dicking about with his mates in the car.

He needs to get as much experience as possible to become a good and safe driver, so let him go.

HummusForBreakfast · 08/11/2016 19:51

Hmm I did a much much longer journey when I was still a quite inexperienced driver (think 10hours drive, all done by myself, 2 passengers in the car).
That was a long distance. Just over 1h00 isn't a long distance journey in my books and I did that more or less straight away after my driving test.
To be able to drive on a motorway and be experince on it, he will have to start driving on them iyswim.

The car is a different issue IMO but I'm not sure if the issue is the car itself or the fact that you are not an experienced driver either.
E.g. I am surprised that yur car passed its MOT but isn't happy I'd ypou drive at more than 60mph (I would consider a car like this unsafe and wouldn't want to drive it altogether TBH)

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 08/11/2016 19:51

I have a DS the same age. I would not allow it-there are too many things that could go wrong-and it is a huge responsibility for DS to have friends in car for first big motorway journey.

Have the parents of the other boys agreed/know the plan?
DS may be sad facing you now but I suspect he could also be slightly relieved to not do it-would be very stressful and not very enjoyable weekend for him at all.
Have him get a bit more experience under this belt first-plenty of time for this in the future-but in the mean time I think your train plan sounds much better anyway!

GCHQMonitoring · 08/11/2016 19:53

I think the three mates, plus what you are saying about the car would make it a no from me.

DS was discouraged from using my car when out with mates after he first passed his test, probably unfair as part of my decision was based on knowing how me and my mates drove when we first passed our tests and the number of males who had accidents. Also DSs driving deteriorated after he passed his test, as everything he learnt was thrown out of the window.

One of DSs friends ended up in prison for undue care and attention which resulted in a cyclist being killed. 4 lads in a car, music loud, messing about, relatively new driver. Lots of lives ruined. It's not worth the risk.

Also given they cannot afford the train fare would they be contributing to the petrol? Or is that a cost you pick up?

HummusForBreakfast · 08/11/2016 19:54

Xpost

OP how is your ds going to learn to drive on a motorway a,nd get that xperience if the issue is the car not having enough power and/or the motorway being too dangerous/busy?

As such I get yur worries but at some point, he will need to get the experience.

goingmadinthecountry · 08/11/2016 19:55

I kind of agree with you BUT I think you are BVU to let him take his test without more practice. That way you'd trust him and yourself more when he wants to make what is (to us in the sticks) a short journey.

The early drive back/alcohol thing is a totally different matter. I'm definitely against driving after a night out.

My 19yo ds's gf is at uni in Holland - he goes to visit her. Also borrowed my car to drive (with a friend also on insurance) to Bordeaux). At 18 drove my car to a festival 350 miles away. DDs 1 and 2 think nothing of driving to the other end of the country to university. Scary, but I'm glad now of those 150 miles a week he drove while learning. It's the experience, not the bit of paper.

It's hard, I know. I'd never let my 3 older ones take their tests without loads and loads of practice with us though.