Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to tell DS he can't drive this journey?

104 replies

velvetspoon · 08/11/2016 18:52

DS is 18, passed his test just over 2 months ago. He is a very too confident driver, although so far he has only driven locally (about a 10 mile radius of our house, though this does include some dual carriageway driving. Mostly though as we are in London, well the outskirts, it's just local, very busy roads).

This weekend he wants to go and see one of his friends who is away at Uni. The uni is about 50 miles from here. He wants to drive himself and 3 friends there in my car (we share it).

I have said no.

I think it's too far, and he is too inexperienced (the drive is mostly motorway, he hasn't driven on a motorway yet). Also the car is tiny, old, and in the 18m since i bought it, it's only been driven over 60 a couple of times (it doesn't like it!) and never for more than 20 miles.

So I have said I'll drive him to the nearest station, where he can get a direct train to the uni town, taking about an hour. Train will cost about £20 (which I've also said I'll contribute towards).

He is very keen to drive, and is now sad-facing me.

Should I stick to my guns?

OP posts:
DixieWishbone · 08/11/2016 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 08/11/2016 20:00

The car is underpowered. 2 people in it, you can get to 70 eventually, but I have never driven at that speed with 3 passengers. If DS has motorway lessons, or just some practice it will only be with one other person in the car, not
a carful. I'd be happy for him to practice motorway driving in the car, and in future do the journey with 1 friend. Just not now and not with 3 others.

Ideally he would wait til we have a better car but that's unlikely to happen for a few years.

OP posts:
Original poster
velvetspoon · 08/11/2016 20:02

Also I couldn't give him more experience before his test, I'm such a new driver I'm not allowed to supervise a learner. So he just had his lessons with an instructor who told him to put in for the test when he was ready...he paid for the lessons himself so not sure what else I could have done really.

OP posts:
PlumsGalore · 08/11/2016 20:03

A no from me too. I have put two DC through their tests, motorway driving with no experience in a little car with three mates and then home again possibly still over the limit. Absolute madness.

danceswith · 08/11/2016 20:04

When my older kids passed their tests, they had to do pass plus, to give them a little more experience and for the first 2 months were only allowed one passenger (not sure if they stuck to it) Passing your test doesn't give you experience just the basics. Slowly slowly one step at a time. Maybe do some motorway practice with them.

Pythonesque · 08/11/2016 20:05

Agree with all the good advice already given, you're right that this is not how to gain motorway experience. Now you've both passed your tests possibly planning a journey together might be a good option.

Just wanted to say that if he is trying to get from London to Oxford there are two quite competitive coach services which might be cheaper than the train for him and his friends.

Flisspaps · 08/11/2016 20:06

My first journey in my car involved driving on the motorway.

However, purely as he's going out on the piss, is try to talk him into going by trainx.

Greengoddess12 · 08/11/2016 20:08

No no and no stick to your guns op.

The fact he wants to do this is proof he shouldn't

PurpleWithRed · 08/11/2016 20:15

www.gov.uk/pass-plus/overview. Mine both did pass plus immediately after their test and were not allowed to drive with friends until they'd been driving regularly for several months. This was made very clear before they took their driving tests though.

Misselthwaite · 08/11/2016 20:22

Don't let him. I teach 17-18 year olds and the stories I hear about their driving terrify me.

Birthdaypartyangstiness · 08/11/2016 20:26

Sounds too risky to me. Peer pressure, motorway driving...all bad. The most likely reason for an 18-25 year old male to die is as a passenger in a car with another 18-25 year old male.

www.getintogear.info/new-ydi-educators/why-ydi-initiatives-are-important/risk-factors-and-young-drivers/

When mine are at driving age I intend to fund lessons, insurance etc on condition that we have a provisional year with some rules on passengers, roads etc.

TamyQlass · 08/11/2016 20:29

I agree about needing instruction on Motorways, especially round London, but what about doing the journey off motorways, making sure the driving is done in daylight? If he can cope with busy London roads, he should be OK on most others. Can't comment on friends, but they could be spoken to, to stress not distracting etc.

Helenluvsrob · 08/11/2016 20:29

I am very aware that kids driving a car full of friends are at risk. That's when bad accidents happen. I'd like him to drive it alone or with me in the back minding my own business first

NerrSnerr · 08/11/2016 20:37

I'd go with him on the motorway first, you've both passed your tests so have a drive on a Sunday morning when it'll be quiet. No one I know did extra motorway lessons and we all just did it- and all lived to tell the tale. Much safer than country roads.

If you really think he's that much of a dick on the road he's unsafe then you're an idiot for letting him drive your car.

Pickthatup · 08/11/2016 20:44

Stick to your guns OP.

TheRattleBag · 08/11/2016 20:55

Isn't there a non-motorway route he could take? Then he gets some experience of driving longer distances, but without the worry of being on the motorway alone for the first time.

FleurThomas · 08/11/2016 21:03

If he can handle London, which is a deathtrap basically, then he can probably handle the motorway. Not going to convince you to change your mind, you are his parent after all so while he lives with you your opinion goes, but my advice would be to take him out on the M1 yourself. It's the best motorway to get learner experience.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 08/11/2016 21:26

I think town driving is much easier as you're going slowly and have time to make decisions.

MrsMook · 08/11/2016 21:41

Get him to do Pass Plus. The cost will be pretty much reimbursed by a discount in insurance in the long run. Unless you get the experience of driving on a good stretch of dual carriageway prior to passing your test, there are skills and techniques to safe multi lane driving that sadly, so many drivers don't know... lane discipline, appropriate acceleration and distances for overtaking, merging with traffic at junctions...

Driving an underpowered car is a skill. It is a useful one for mindful driving, but to maximise acceleration, you have to utilise your gears properly. DH and I both have a 1.4 engine, but mine is more sluggish so for rapid acceleration (lay bys, overtaking slow vehicles, slow dual carriageway junctions), I can't just jam my right foot down, I have to anticipate and be ready in a lower gear and block gear changes to maximise acceleration. (Something that I learned by experience after passing my test through some unpleasant experiences with tractors- I moved area just as I started driving solo and tractors weren't readily avaliable in my lessons!).

Another rookie error I made was the morning after a night out. I'd made arrangements for the night itself, but hadn't considered how long it would take for my system to be clear for my return home in the morning. Fortunately there were no negative consequences, and I learned a valuable lesson after realising that day that I'd woken up feeling a bit too good for what I'd drunk the night before. It is easily done, and is the most common reason for women being caught over the limit.

An inexperienced driver, a heavy underpowered car full of distracting youths on a brand new type of road is not a good combination. YANBU.

BusyBeez99 · 08/11/2016 22:59

Motorway driving easier than in town IMO. Let him go - I passed my test and then immediately drove home on a dual carriageway aged 17 alone and then went all over the country

Original poster
velvetspoon · 08/11/2016 23:51

I've decided he's not going in the car.

A good point, which I'd not thought of, is that it's my car. I bought it, and paid most of the insurance (his dad gave him some money towards the insurance but that's all DS has paid). If anything happens to the car, I've then lost my transport, and can't afford to replace it - the excess with DS driving is more than the value of the car so we couldn't claim for it. And as DS doesn't have a job currently he wouldn't be able to repay me.

So taking everything into account it's a no.

Hopefully DS and his friends won't be too upset. I do suspect DS will be partly relieved as I am not sure he really wants to drive 50 miles on a very budh motorway in a slow car. I'll pay for the train for him instead.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 08/11/2016 23:58

do some pass plus lessons for him will also reduce the insurance

I don't think that's necessarily the case. None of the many insurers I've used over the years has discounted for pass plus.

chickychickyparmparm · 09/11/2016 00:02

No way. Young men aged 18-25 are responsible for something like 75pc of road deaths in the UK, and factors like these - inexperience, over confidence, peer pressure - are big contributers to that.

I'd get him some supervised motorway experience first, then he can practice on his own.

Original poster
velvetspoon · 09/11/2016 09:34

I don't think our current insurers offer a pass plus discount - they base the premium partly on the data from our telematics box - if our driving is ok we will get a discount next year based on that.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 09/11/2016 09:40

Dd used to drive 80 miles a day to college and back country roads and motorway via a friends house to pick up at 18. yabu he has passed a test you cant stop him where did you expect him to drive. Get him a motorway lesson if you want him to learn