To think it is rude to not serve food until a late guest arrives?

[ethelb]

Just to give you some context, last Christmas we went to PILs.

BIL said he would turn up on Christmas eve at 5-6pm. He has said this before and turned up at 11-12 midnight, and failed to update us on his predicted arrival time. He is generally about 4 hours late all the time.

MIL gets incredibly wound up about this, and likes to make 'points'. Last Xmas eve she refused to serve dinner until BIL arrived. I eventually, after 'suggesting' we just saved some for BIL, convinced her to serve dinner at 9 or 10.

She then fussed, and fussed and fussed the entire time we were eating and yelping 'save some for him' (about half the food was 'saved') and snapping at us that he was obviously five mins away.

He turned up at midnight.

I am fretting about this happening again this Xmas, is this rude of MIL?

The one being rude is your BIL, that's shocking behaviour tbh. Your MIL just wants to eat with her whole family, not with a person missing. I feel rather sorry for her, especially if BIL does this time and time again

Don't go. Invite them to yours instead and plate up bil dinner for if and when he ever turns up.

Yep that's my bil as well although I would insist we plated it up for him. Never ever on time for anything. Everything revolves around him and his partner and pils like to talk about them so much that it gets embarassing when people have never met him. I feel sorry for dh as he does not get a look in even though he is there for his dps all the time 😐

A few years ago BIL, SIL and 2 teenaged children arrived at midnight on Christmas eve. We'd been expecting them for dinner about 6pm. No phone call or messages. We ate and I went to bed, leaving DH to deal with them. They also disappeared for a meal later on in the visit without telling anyone. Weird.

My sister does this all the time and it really pees the whole family off. I think it is rude and selfish but if you call her on it, she gets on her high horse and then the whole occasion is really f*ked. Even on the occasions she does turn up within an hour of the time she was told (she is always late to some degree), she will rush in and straight back out again because she just has to walk the dog. I try not to go anywhere she is going these days for this and other reasons because life is too short to be stressed by a selfish twt!

If someone turns up 6 hours late without even ringing or texting, they don't deserve to have a plate of food made up for them and cling filmed for when/if they eventually turn up.

Your BIL is rude and unappreciative and your MIL is ridiculous for making herself and everyone else suffer because of it, but I don't think this plate up and cling film idea is a good one. He should miss out on food altogether or at the very least have to awkwardly make his own plate up of cold leftovers- that would make much more of a point and nobody else's expense!

TheAntiBoop
I have exactly the same except it's with my parents and my sister. So fed up of the constant sister-worship and pandering to all her whims and wants that we don't spend Christmas together either. And it's their only grandchildren And effectively my DC's only GPs as DH's mum has severe dementia (in a home) and his Dad is very elderly, housebound and is almost blind. We see him as much as we can but he can't really do anything with the DCs (8 and 3)

Ethelb, I think a buffet meal on Christmas eve is the best thing in this situation. I think MIL would be persuaded if DH says he will do it so that she can have a rest. You will both have to persuade the PIL that they should eat when they want to and BIL can help himself when he gets there. Lead by example, start to eat when you and DH are hungry, if he has prepared it and cooked any hot items they might be more likely to do so. PIL can have a cooked meal at lunchtime if they want.

TBH, I'd be enjoying the time that BIL wasn't there.

Surprised to see people saying MIL isn't being rude. Of course she is. Phenomenally so. BIL is taking the piss by telling them he's going to be there at 6 when he won't leave until then. Of course. But MIL has a choice about how she reacts to that, and actually what time she serves the meal, the amount saved for him and her demeanour during it are not things within BILs control.

Wanting your whole family to eat together is understandable. That would excuse delaying for an hour or two, then voluntarily deciding to make the best of it, serving the meal and setting him aside a normal sized portion. It does not excuse having to be berated into it after 3+ hours of waiting, snapping at everyone and begrudging the food. That is extreme rudeness. With the caveat that I know cancer can change people's behaviour, but from what OP says MIL has always been like this.

FrizzyMcFrizzface, TheAntiBoop, Peaches, Ye Old Ma and Dinosaurs Gooboo, sorry to hear you have had similar situations, and sorry that it doesn't sound like they have really resolved themselves.

Putting it down on print shows just how bonkers the behaviour in some families is hey?

He's an inconsiderate twat. Plate some up for him at the pre arranged time and bung it in the oven, if he's late then it'll be dried up and over cooked. Tough titty.

Everyone sounds dreadful! I'd order pizza but I divorced my ex with a weird and obsessive family. Taking all the skin off the Christmas turkey and slicing and arranging it on cold serving plates for HOURS so that every single piece of food is cold, sad, wet, overcooked and slightly beige in colour? Yum

I think a buffet is a good idea.

For the future, bring nibbles, dips, crudités, crisps, humus and pita, pâté and a cooked partridge in a pear tree. No one is hungry, no one has been 'rude'.

I'd be having words with DB to have a 'chat' with him. BIL is stressing his mother out, making all of you stressed, personally eating that late, I'd get a migraine and digestion problems, the food is spoiling and he's taking it totally for granted that you'll all wait for his precious highness.
My own DB is like this and he can do no wrong in my mother's eyes. DH privately calls him 'golden balls', and I'm inclined to agree with him. At least having a joke about it between us makes me feel less stressed and that it's out of my hands. Anyway, I currently speak to either DM or DB that much. Both are rude and arrogant!
Last Xmas, I just happened 'to be ill' the entire time and spent much of it in bed. I was so upset and felt I missed out on so much. NOT. I had a wonderful time in bed, watching what I wanted, eating on the QT what I wanted and following Christmas felt truly invigorated. Just as well, as being chronically unwell, a rest was obviously exactly what I needed!😊
Failing a strong chat from DH, I'd be inclined to visit only for cups of tea, etc. That or meet up at a restaurant, because MIL is getting on and it's a big chore for her to have to do for such an extended family. That way, you'll be in her good books and eat at a more social time. If DBIL doesn't make it, I'd suggest that he he'll just have to cook a ready meal/tin of beans/whatever when he gets home. That way, DBIL will soon learn.

Been there, done that, went NC.

It is 100% controlling behaviour which is enabled by MIL.

What dinosaur roat said. You host, your rules..no problem !

is there a chance that your bil doesnt actually want to be at his parents house and that is why he is so late?

I was about to ask the same thing wizzywig.

Is he actually saying that he wants to be there for a Christmas meal, or making noises about being there at sometime?

Mil is desperate to have the big family meal and grasps at any hope. Son says he will be there and she clings to it as "coming for Christmas"and tells everyone he is coming for a meal. Is she the sort of person to take a no as an answer?

Every year bil makes noises about turning up at some time, he always turns up later in the day and food always arrives. He may be thinking that food is served late and glad to have missed the hours of chit chat beforehand.

Bill may be a complete arse or evasive and avoiding telling his mother what he really wants.
Mil really needs to serve the meal at a reasonable time.

Can your husband have a word with his brother and ask him what he really intends?

Ah, I've read your last update now.

Do you think that in his own way he has partially checked out from extended family life? Mil needs to find reasons for him being remote, I'm thinking about you being the scape goat for the cats.

Grrr lateness is one of my pet hates. I appreciate that things can happen that delay people but it makes me mad when someone is constantly late and makes a joke of it.

My brother used to be late for absolutely everything, even Christmas dinner to the point where one year I told him to get to ours for 1:30pm, I planned to serve dinner at 3:30pm but didn't tell him that, I allowed for 1 hour of lateness and then time to open presents and have a drink. He turned up at 4:30. Dinner ruined but kept getting told "we're on our way".