To think it is rude to not serve food until a late guest arrives?

[ethelb]

Just to give you some context, last Christmas we went to PILs.

BIL said he would turn up on Christmas eve at 5-6pm. He has said this before and turned up at 11-12 midnight, and failed to update us on his predicted arrival time. He is generally about 4 hours late all the time.

MIL gets incredibly wound up about this, and likes to make 'points'. Last Xmas eve she refused to serve dinner until BIL arrived. I eventually, after 'suggesting' we just saved some for BIL, convinced her to serve dinner at 9 or 10.

She then fussed, and fussed and fussed the entire time we were eating and yelping 'save some for him' (about half the food was 'saved') and snapping at us that he was obviously five mins away.

He turned up at midnight.

I am fretting about this happening again this Xmas, is this rude of MIL?

oh and re it being rude to not go - remember, your MIL and BIL are being rude to you - your BIL by making you wait and your MIL by basically telling everyone that one DS is more important than the other one (by making everyone else fit round him). MIL doesn't care about being rude to you, it's ok to not overly worry about her feelings.

But if you aren't going, make that call ASAP!

I don't understand why MiL is getting such a bashing here? I wouldn't have acted as she did, but surely 100% of the blame must fall on BiL here. I refuse to believe that he had no way of letting people know that he was going to be four hours late. It sounds like MiL is embarrassed but also defensive of him. I'd imagine there's quite a bit of backstory here - she seems to be treading on eggshells, and I think she might think that he just won't come at all if he's confronted.

If you say to him that dinner will be served at 6om, then it should be served at 6pm. If he's not there, tough.

He can eat the leftovers. He's taking the proverbial.

Is your MIL actually hosting this year?

You are so NBU. This would irritate me immensely. Do you have children who you can use as an excuse? Alternatively, I would "develop" a digestive problem which leaves you ill if you eat too late.

Your MIL and BIL are both rude and being unreasonable. He sounds like an entitled arse and your MIL just sounds like a complete muppet.

When your BIL finally swans in at midnight is anything said to him, does your MIL wait up for him to come in?

Very odd behaviour. I can't stand people being late, I think it's so rude and selfish. I have a friend who is always at least half an hour late for everything, she just can't grasp onto this "new age" concept of time keeping.

So you are perfectly within your rights to be annoyed.

I have it the other way round when mil invites us for dinner...

We turn up just before 6, having been told dinner is 6, to find everyone has eaten, because "bil was hungry". So we get leftovers, basically.

People are just wierd.

My sister put us in a similar position one Christmas. I told her that Christmas dinner would be 12.30pm, knowing she is always late I actually planned it for 1pm.
She was late.
We got a call after 12.30pm saying they were "just leaving". My Mum took the call, I told her than I wasn't going to delay the food and run the risk of ruining it.
I did slow things down a little and when 1.15pm rolled around and they still weren't there (they were only 30mins away) I decided to serve up the starter with my Mum fussing around how we should wait.
I said no, it was up to my sister to learn that if you say you're going to be somewhere by a certain time then you do that and if they were running late or in traffic then Bil had a perfectly good phone he could use to let us know. She works in education and can always be on time for that, but apparently family aren't important enough.
They arrived at 1.30pm when we'd finished the starter. My sister was pissed we hadn't waited, I simply reminded her she was an hour late.
Aparently it was her in-laws fault for "talking too much."
Guess what? She's not done it since. My mum has usually turned a blind eye and not really challenged it, but I don't put up with this kind of crap.

Your BIL obviously loves being the centre of attention and your MIL just as obviously loves to enable him.

Instead of fretting about it (in early November, so presumably it's only going to get worse!), I'd make other Christmas plans now.

What a dick.

Your DP needs to ask MIL what the plan is for this year. If her answer is anything other than "tell him a time and serve up even if he's not there" then you decline her invitation and make other plans for Xmas.

I'll wait 1/2 hour for late guests but that's it. Why should my dinner be ruined because someone feels they are more important that the rest of the guests? If it were truly an unavoidable delay a considerate guest would text/phone/email "Please, start without me!" when they realized they were more than, say, 15 minutes behind schedule.

In your case since you indicate that he does this frequently and your MiL abets him, I think I'd find somewhere else to go for Xmas Eve dinner or offer to host myself (if that's practical). As they say 'vote with your feet'.

Both rude.

BIL deliberately trying to piss everyone off, and MIL enabling it.

I would decline the invitation or offer to host the meal at yours, and serve it when you're ready. Or go to MILS but eat first, and say you'll be round after dinner.

Depending on the age of your kids, i would go round for the afternoon, or after dinner.

Whys bil late. Its a xmas meal unless he's traveling working etc hes been unreasonable. Your idea is good. Put some food aside for him. It is very late when he arrived to eat.

Both rude, and I wouldn't go there again if I were you! How utterly infuriating to be there and waiting to eat all that time. Ridiculous!

In all honesty, I wouldn't go, but if I were in MIL's position I would state that dinner will be on the table at Xpm and if he wasn't there he would get some plated up and everyone else would tuck in.

BIL is obviously very rude, but he's probably been enabled all his life by his parents to get away with it. If I'd have done that my mother would've told me my dinner was in the dog.

BIL doesn't deserve such consideration. Turning up at midnight? If only besotted Mil would tell him...."It's too late, it's all eaten" he probably wouldn't do it again.

Rude of both of them, I would be having my main meal at home, and going to.Mil in the evening.

Just to clarify it wasn't the main Christmas meal, just normal Christmas Eve dinner.

There is other pandering to BIL. For example he disappeared for a shower just as we had all sat down to open presents the next morning. I made clear I thought we should just start without him. MIL refused and we all had to wait half an hour (no kids fyi, but still!)

We are going down this year to see them for three days (!) due to them living about 2 hours away. MIL has been unwell this year, kind of expects it and DH wants to go.

I have tried suggesting a pub on Christmas eve for dinner, inviting everyone along for it, and not worrying about who turns up on time.

But DH is fussing they won't like any of the pubs we suggest in the village.

I don't give a fuck and I'm going to call them now.

Call them if I were you.

he might have had a good reason. It takes my DB 4 hours typically yo get to our house- 5 if central london is bad. last 2 Christmas Eve-8 and 10 hours due to traffic and accidents.

No way would I wait all that time for someone who is late for no reason. Once they are more than about an hour late, I would insist on being fed or go out for food.

Also baffled why people say 'they do it for attention'. Do people actually want everyone else to think that they are a selfish twat?

Just to give some background for the other questions:

BIL had left work at 5, then gone home to pack and left at about 6.30pm on this fateful night. So he left work, 4 hours drive from home around the time he had informed everyone he would set off. So there is a degree of telling MIL what she wants to hear. It is still weird though.

I have suggested to DH we offer to host this year. It would involve a hotel stay for them but is feasible. DH's response was: 'No, just no. Not this year.'

So, I tried!!

OP - have you actually been invited to your PILs for Christmas this year?

If so, you might want to review last year's events and see if your recollections match. If you're not invited, it's not a problem! You still have time to make your own plans so I'd crack on with it.

Bollocks. If you're stuck in traffic, or even if you have to pull over somewhere, you can ring and say you'll be late. Bloody rude to just turn up whenever the hell you feel like it knowing full well that other people are there too and waiting to eat. It would be plated up and stone cold in my house and tough shit.