To think it is rude to not serve food until a late guest arrives?

[ethelb]

Just to give you some context, last Christmas we went to PILs.

BIL said he would turn up on Christmas eve at 5-6pm. He has said this before and turned up at 11-12 midnight, and failed to update us on his predicted arrival time. He is generally about 4 hours late all the time.

MIL gets incredibly wound up about this, and likes to make 'points'. Last Xmas eve she refused to serve dinner until BIL arrived. I eventually, after 'suggesting' we just saved some for BIL, convinced her to serve dinner at 9 or 10.

She then fussed, and fussed and fussed the entire time we were eating and yelping 'save some for him' (about half the food was 'saved') and snapping at us that he was obviously five mins away.

He turned up at midnight.

I am fretting about this happening again this Xmas, is this rude of MIL?

Sorry set off= thought we would arrive at PILs!

BIL had left work at 5, then gone home to pack and left at about 6.30pm on this fateful night. So he left work, 4 hours drive from home around the time he had informed everyone he would set off. So there is a degree of telling MIL what she wants to hear. It is still weird though.

I'm now confused - surely even if he had gone straight from work he wouldn't have arrived until 9? Unless he'd taken a half day how was arriving for 5/6 ever going to happen?

Sorry see message above. He left home, on the other side of the country, about the time he had said he would arrive. So he knew when he left he was going to be at least 4h late!

Maybe he hates his mums cooking and turns up deliberately late thinking "she can't possibly wait for me!" And yet every year she does!

BIL sounds like an A Grade entitled prick.

I would eat him if he made me wait that long.

I doubt I would be able to be pleasant to him at all and there would undoubtedly be an atmosphere.

I remember coming back to my family home after hitching from Uni (this was back in the 80's and I am a bloke}

I arrived a few hours late for the full Sunday Dinner, mum got up (she had finished!) and quickly knocked up a bacon sandwich, dad wandered of and bought back a bottle of Beaujolais and said 'catch up' as everyone else in the family had already 'had a couple'

So let DH go. You dont have to.

You say you dont have kids, is that part of the future plan? Do you really want to be negotiating food for a young child because your MIL prioritises BIL over everyone else?

Put your foot down now that either you go and eat out or you host or DH goes on his own as you will not be held hostage to a martyr and a golden child.

So why does he say that he will arrive at a time that he has no hope of making, or anywhere near close?

I suppose one solution could be that you could eat at home/on the way and then just go to theirs for drinks etc.

Ah, I see. Well, that is really strange (and inconsiderate). I've had to work hard to train myself out of being a a 'late' person (which I know is a terrible and rude quality) and I tend to chronically underestimate travel time - but I don't see how a person can do it to that extent!

I do think that timeliness (and its importance) does differ from family to family. In my family being half an hour late is totally par for the course, and it would actually be pretty rude if my husband (for instance) started demanding that we eat dead on time. We all understand that 'lunch at 1' means 'eat sometime before 3' and that's just how it works. I prefer this - it feels more relaxed and 'friendly' to me - but I know it's not how many other people work, and as I said I make sure I don't do it when meeting other people or going to their house.

I am wondering if he says "I will be leaving at 6 ish" and she hears "I will be arriving at 6ish" because thats what she wants to hear.

I have a friend who has form for stuff like this. If our other friend is leaving their home, 2 hours away, at noon then friend 1 will be faffing to have lunch ready for 1pm and spend the next hour fuming that friend 2 is late. No amount of telling her will stop her doing this! We dont do lunch anymore, well I dont, I am not sure about the others!

Your MIL is ... interesting but your BiL is a tosser.

Any decent person, knowing that mammy held off the meal until they graced her with their presence, would make sure they arrived at a reasonable time, rather than keep everyone else waiting for their dinner until 12am.

Either that or they'd have a word with her.

They both sound awful. I wouldnt want to spend the day with either of them.

Also, my grandad and to a lesser extent my mum, tends to latch on to key parts of a sentence and miss the rest. So she hears "6ish" and fits that into a narrative that suits her ie; dinner at 6 ish. She forgets or just doesnt listen to what he actually said. Like my grandad saying that he had asthma because he had convinced himself he had it, when in fact that doctor had said that it definitely wasnt asthma, but he just heard the doctor say that word and fitted it in to what he believed to be true.

The shower thing...he clearly wasnt bothered about present opening en masse, but MIL made a big thing out of it. Her expectations are the issue here I think rather than BIL.

wow
I don't understand people who fuss over the late ones and let them have power

I think both MIL and BIL are mad. Do you have to spend Xmas with them?

YANBU. I have a similar thing with my mum and brother although not to the same extreme. It's very annoying. He is inconsiderate and she enables him.

Let your DH go and wait til midnight for his dinner, if he wishes.

You can stay at home and cook what you want, when you want (or get a takeaway!)

I don't think BIL did know that we were all being forced to wait for him to be fair.

There is background to this. He is uncontactable, rarely comes to see them. He has also defrauded them of thousands, which is never, ever talked about.

When BIL did finally turn up that night, PILs said a couple sarcastic hellos (doubtless thinking they were making their very clear 'points') when he walked in the door. He just looked confused and they then all had a massive row that lasted an hour or so.

Yes I do have to go, and DH would never set any boundaries in place in a million years.

If you went last year, you don't have to go this year, surely?

Sorry but why do you 'have' to go? Are you a child? An indentured worker?

If not, then no, you do not 'have' to go.

But I'd also say that, if your DH 'would never set any boundaries in place in a million years', a) set your own and/or b) give him a kick up the arse about it.

Yes I do have to go, and DH would never set any boundaries in place in a million years

Why do you have to go? Will he tie you up, put you in the boot of the car and drive you there?

"I have thought about it and I am not going to your mums this year. You can go if you want to, or invite them here but I am not going. We went last year so this year I want to be at home"

MIL has had cancer this year and DH wants to go. I think that is fair enough, if they weren't stark raving mad misery guts.

I think that is fair enough, if they weren't stark raving mad misery guts.

if would seem to be the operative word here.

Without sounding horrible, unless she is unlikely to see next Xmas, I still dont see why you have to go, or why she cant come to you.

Can you suggest a buffet rather than a meal and then things can be saved for bil and you can eat at a reasonable time?