BEST FRIEND TRIED IT WITH BOYFRIEND

[lithium3]

So after giving birth to DS 4 months ago I was out this weekend for the first time. I invited my best friend as she was having a rough time with her DP (she has two little boys with him) to come along with me and my DP to later meet up with a few of my other friends.

After a few beers it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club. I went to the toilet and came down to DP telling me that she had tried to kiss him. I put it down to just been drunk and falling around and DP misreading the situation (surely my best friend wouldn't do that). However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him.. So I moved her then she did the same to all my male friends including one who had a girlfriend which she met earlier that evening. I felt so embarrassed by her, all of them felt so awkward.

In the end she ended up finding a man that actually kissed her back and she stayed with him the remainder of the night until it was 3am and me and DP wanted to go home yet she refused to come with us so we left her with this man.

We have spoke since but she hasn't mentioned anything about it, she apologised to me and DP for 'being a dick' over text.

DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that. I agree with him but I really don't know how to address the situation, in my mind I'm just putting it down to her being so drunk she didn't know what she was doing but then another part of me thinks that she did know.

I don't know what to do, she is my best friend that I turn to for everything. How should I address it? Am I being too laid back? Just need an outsiders opinion..

The same situation with a man would be very different, because power relations are very different. It's the same debate as the 'objectifying' one - objectifying a man happens, by definition, in a different context to objectifying a woman, because men haven't been unable to get on in life and careers for centuries because of objectification, and nor do they face the same threat of violence and rape. I am not saying one is acceptable and the other not, I am saying they are different. Similarly, a drunk man coming on to every women in a club represents a different kind of behaviour and a different level of threat from a drunk woman.

I would speak to your friend, OP, but with kindness and understanding. It's perfectly possible to draw a firm line on the boundary of the behaviour without making her feel even worse about it.

Yes I would be concerned about the friend if this was completely out of character, but I would struggle to feel the same way about her. In the reversed situation I would be appalled by a man's behaviour, and see it as predatory and sleezy. I would be disgusted if they behaved like that with two children and a partner at home. Whatever issues they are going through, that is terrible behaviour and I would really disapprove, whether the person was male or female.

I am struggling to understand the viewpoint of those who would be concerned and not critical if I'm honest.

I also don't think the ops dp is wrong for wanting the op to sort it. If it was me, and my dps friend tried to ķiss me, I would want dp to sort it to show we were a united front and it was unacceptable to both of us.

If she's a good friend and the friendship is of value to you then you must call her out on her unacceptable behaviour. Personally, I would be more pissed off with her safety being my responsibility because she got herself in such a state.

If problems at home are causing her to act out then I would offer support but that support does not extend to putting up with the stunt she pulled. She's an adult for fucks sake and getting so pissed that you endanger your safety and overstep the personal boundaries of others is not on.

Hopefully this is the catalyst to sort her shit out but that's let's likely if you collude in sweeping it under the carpet. A text is no where near good enough.

Being drunk and having issues at home is no excuse for forcing unwanted attention on anyone. No matter what sex you are.

This is not about women/slut shaming. It is about unacceptable behaviour and unwanted sexual attention.

OP call your friend out on her behaviour and tell her clearly that any problems she has will not be solved by her alienating her friends. Tell her you will support her but she needs to apologise and look at herself and figure out why she behaved as she did.

You can be a good friend and not accept bad behaviour.

The drunken friend sounds like she's in a bad place and got in to a messy state and acted inappropriately. The best friend role in this scenario is to look after mate whilst drunk then have a real conversation when sober about inappropriate behaviour and problems at home.

I also think the situation with reversed sexes is a different scenario because of the power relationship between men and women.

Double standards on MN are absolutely unbelievable. Seriously, reverse the sexes and tell me the responses on the first page would be the same. bollocks they would
"A male friend was going round kissing everyone and trying it on with us all."
"It wasn't specific to you. don't worry - he's just unhappy."

If you want equality between the sexes, you can't allow a behaviour in a woman that you wouldn't allow in a man. It works both ways, equality is equality, not just when it suits us women.

Op your friend sounds like she's lost control of herself and I would go round and hear what she has to say about that. She put herself in an extremely vulnerable position too. Drinking too much, trying to cop off with all and sundry no matter the consequences. Tell your dh you're going to talk to her, but I would be listening as much as anything else.

Ask her what's going on and why she did it. She's already admitted she was 'being a dick' so you can start from that point. Why were you being a dick? What made you drink so much you lost control like that? And give her some advice about random men in nightclubs when you're pissed up - it's not safe.

Regarding the swapping of sexes and it being assault etc, I knew someone who did this and the men were confused and upset by it, but mainly as in she was irritating them and not that they felt assaulted. They did feel insulted though. But the woman in question was very drunk and going through some personal issues that affected her esteem, and in turn she behaved like this. She had to totally reevaluate her life, stop going out, stop drinking. It was horribly embarasssing for her and the men concerned. However the men who grab you and kiss you uninvited are doing it in a very different, aggressive way and it's not done for the same reasons at all.

I also strongly disagree that the man should 'get a grip' when he is upset about repeated unwanted sexual advances. Frankly that viewpoint is despicable. Just because the victim has a penis, doesn't mean they cannot feel violated or upset in this scenario. The ops dp repeatedly tried to stop this and the ops friend trampled all over his boundaries. That is not ok, no matter what the sex of the people involved.

Bloody hell. I look out for my mates, I would hope they would look out for me.
The OPs friend, needs to pick her friends more wisely.

I can't believe you left your drunk friend who was 4 months post partum and who had been behaving inappropriately in a club at 3am with a stranger

Regardless of how pissed off you were with her, why would you do that?

I also think your DP is overreacting slightly. This has happened to my DH before with a friend of mine, & whilst he wasn't thrilled about it he is mature enough to recognise it for what it is. All the talk of not loving her children anymore is just way OTT. That said, she clearly needs to clear the air with him.

Have you even read the op? It's the op who is 4 mths post partum. Why is the op responsible for her friend? She's an adult. I look out for my friends too, but sometimes there's only so much you can do.

Personally i would be charitable to this woman, It's embarrassing to admit but i have done things like this. I was going thru a horrible separation, my H was seeing my best friend of 25 years, all my friends sided with them and stopped talking to me overnight, i was being made redundant and was homeless and was having a bipolar episode. I went out on a work do and got really drunk and in a pub in front of everyone tried to kiss just about every male present. All in front of girlfriends and wives etc

I still wake up in a cold sweat about it now nearly 10 years later.

Perhaps it's because i come from a family of hard drinkers, but i am always charitable to people who do stupid things when drunk. I have seen many many many people do shit like this when off their faces and in public. The only person they are harming or are a danger to are themselves. I include men in this too.

Men have drunkenly tried to kiss me and all women in the room lots of times. None of us flatter ourselves that we were their object of desire - more just the nearest female body. They've even done it in front of my DH and we have still helped them get home and said no more about it/laughed it off. It's very different to the not quite so drunk males who have done things like followed me into toilets and pinned me against the wall and spat in my hair when i pushed them away.

I also once got into that state when i was 21. I was splitting up with my first love and devastated. I went to a party and acted like that. My friends left me there and a group of men took advantage.

I suspect she will be feeling even more shit about everything, so would offer a shoulder. I also can't imagine my DH being so upset about it. Concerned for her yes, but claiming he'd 'been assaulted' as pp have said, no.

But that's just us.

I think you probably need to reach out to your friend about the night as a whole and see if you can support her in any way, while also making it clear that her behaviour wasn't great and has made your dp feel uncomfortable.

I don't think it has to be one or the other - you can support her while also telling her about her behaviour. I assume she remembers anyway and that's why she text.

I don't think it's ok to say "she was drunk it's ok" because what if he had been really drunk and kissed her back? Then you would dealing with a completely different situation where your partner had cheated with your bf!

coat sorry I missed that. My point still stands. Basically, what mrs koala said.

(I'm assuming this person is actually a friend - you know, someone the OP likes. By all means cast her aside if not.)

A drunk man trying to kiss me would scare me a hell of a lot more than it would dh if a drunk woman tried to kiss him.

He is 6ft tall and built like a brick shit house. He would be able to restrain her with one arm. A drunk man trying to kiss me? I might not be as easily able to restrain him.

Of course it would be upsetting for a man to have his partner's friend try to kiss him, of course he has a right to be upset about that. However, reversing the sex here doesn't really work.

I would be fucking scared, dh would be annoyed. I am sure it would be the same in AF's world which is why her opinion is completely valid and not hypocritical for her.

FWIW I am not a AF 'yes man' (whatever that is) I disagree with her plenty. It is pretty patronising to assume that other posters don't have their own opinions and follow AF around agreeing with whatever she says. How insulting to think we don't have our own minds.

OP your friend acted horribly. What I would do would depend on many factors and how close we are. If it was my best friend I would be pissed off at her but also worried about her.

I completely understand your husband being upset, her behaviour for whatever reason was disgusting, but if this is out of character for her I would talk to her and not write the friendship off just yet.

I suspect she will be feeling even more shit about everything, so would offer a shoulder. I also can't imagine my DH being so upset about it. Concerned for her yes, but claiming he'd 'been assaulted' as pp have said, no. Exactly. We all do stupid things when we're drunk. And this woman was not in a safe state to go off with someone. I feel sorry for her.
I don't usually agree with AF but she's spot on here. The OP's best friend if she exists will be in a pool of misery at the moment.

Its not the double standards that have me its the victim blaming.

This man is told to "get a grip" "get over it" and called out because he now sees the friend differently. While the friend should be comforted and supported.....really?

I am surprised at some of the responses and the blind following of some posters.

I don't think this is the same as someone soberly making a move on one man in a calculated manner, knowing the devastation it will cause if reciprocated. Your friend sounds like she's on self destruct and is patently very unhappy - basically, any man will do, she's not in love with your dp specifically. Difficult one as her behaviour was still very wrong and she needs calling out on it properly - it is not acceptable, even if it is understandable. In that state she was also exceptionally vulnerable to predatory behaviour.

If this was my BF I'd been very concerned and would i would probably have stepped in on the evening.

Now, I would have a sympathetic chat about why she behaved in this way and tell her that it would probably be best if she apologised to my DH face to face and then never mentioned it again!

Bubble I agree re the victim blaming. My dp was sexually abused, and although I realise this does make him a bit different to other men, I cannot help but think about the effect this would have on him. Emotionally he would really struggle with the emotional effects of a situation like this. The feelings of violation and his boundaries being trampled over would have a profound effect on his mental health. Some posters would completely dismiss this because he is a man, so clearly needs to 'get a grip'. That isn't ok.

She's apologised, which doesn't have to be accepted of course, but what is it that your husband wants you to say/do?

Does he not think that it was just the drink & that's why he feels awkward?

Why must you speak to her & not him?

You're hardly responsible for her actions.