BEST FRIEND TRIED IT WITH BOYFRIEND

[lithium3]

So after giving birth to DS 4 months ago I was out this weekend for the first time. I invited my best friend as she was having a rough time with her DP (she has two little boys with him) to come along with me and my DP to later meet up with a few of my other friends.

After a few beers it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club. I went to the toilet and came down to DP telling me that she had tried to kiss him. I put it down to just been drunk and falling around and DP misreading the situation (surely my best friend wouldn't do that). However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him.. So I moved her then she did the same to all my male friends including one who had a girlfriend which she met earlier that evening. I felt so embarrassed by her, all of them felt so awkward.

In the end she ended up finding a man that actually kissed her back and she stayed with him the remainder of the night until it was 3am and me and DP wanted to go home yet she refused to come with us so we left her with this man.

We have spoke since but she hasn't mentioned anything about it, she apologised to me and DP for 'being a dick' over text.

DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that. I agree with him but I really don't know how to address the situation, in my mind I'm just putting it down to her being so drunk she didn't know what she was doing but then another part of me thinks that she did know.

I don't know what to do, she is my best friend that I turn to for everything. How should I address it? Am I being too laid back? Just need an outsiders opinion..

On another note,I wouldn't be letting my v drunk possibly emotionally unhappy friend go off with a stranger.

To me, this is the heart of the issue. I do often feel some people are uncomfortable with women having full agency and (subconsciously at least) think they should be 'looked after'. It is sexist, but it is a form of chivalrous sexism that is subtle and pervasive.

The OP's friend is an equal adult with agency so cannot be made to do anything. Similarly, she is responsible for her own behaviour. Drink and sadness may be reasons, but they cannot be excuses.

I would be having a hard talk with any friend in this situation and I would not allow her to play the victim. I would expect her to own her actions like an adult. ''Oh I was so drunk' is a let out I would not allow. She has treated you and your DH like shit and put herself at risk. She needs to do some work on herself. Only when people admit they have an issue can you really help them.

Good point AF 06.25.

Yeah. I should have just typed that at 10pm last night and gone to bed.

There is so much information missing from the scenario.

But the DP as far as I can see has done nothing wrong, and the BF's situation would have an effect on how much sympathy I had for her.

But then you'd have been like me, who was in bed very early and avoided all the fun....

That is true, BBJ

Because all this woman's "friends" have not bothered to find out any of the missing information

They've gone straight for the "disgusting woman, brought it all on herself" route

Shameful

Having read the very emotive comments I wondered if a re-read of the OP would enable me to give a direction.

So, I agree with your DP. You need to speak to her and say he was embarrassed, that your other friends were embarrassed and that you were all worried about leaving her with the random guy because yes, she was OK on this occasion but might not be next time. And remind her she has two little boys. And finally ask her if there is anything you can collectively do to support her?

Can't see what else you can do in the circumstances.

I am concerned for this woman, in this exact situation, Navy

That's what this thread is about, yes ?

You constantly trying to bait me is not what this thread is about.

i think we agree with af (i lost it a bit in the middle with who was asking who what)

i don't think either of you behaved particularly best friendy. if my best friend was behaving like that i'd be insisting my dh quit moaning and help me get her home. she either drank way too much or had her drink spiked. best friends do not let each other go home with ransoms when they are that drunk! anything could have happened to her!!

i would definitely speak to her. get her round for a coffee and ask her what's going on with her, she's obviously not in a good place atm, and here behaviour the other night was so out of character, what can you do to help. that's what best friends do.

yes your oh has every right to not be harassed by anyone, but if he really cared about her and new this was out of character he really should be more concerned about her than about himself. if you could move her away, physically he was in no danger as he could have moved her himself... so yes she owes him an apology and i imagine she's fairly embarrassed anyway...

i think i*
i have not yet adopted the use of the royal we

Navy, why do you insist on the answer to a question you have already made a judgement upon ?

I thought I made myself very clear on the sex reversal point at 6:25

Navy I don't need to speak for AF at all, but my take on the situation is that it's not helpful to try and understand/respond to this situation through, "what would I do if it were a man?" because it isn't.

And more than that, you are asking about any, non specific generic 'man' versus this particular woman in a specific set of circumstances who is known to the OP. I would imagine that AF is not responding to that specific question because it is irrelevant to how the OP should or could manage this situation.

I would hope that most people would respond to out of character behaviour in a close friend with care and compassion rather than just automatically casting them aside because they haven't stated how they would respond to a random member of the opposite sex that appeared to be superficially similar.

It's utterly ridiculous to reverse the sexes.

Men are different to women. A drunk man trying to kiss and grope women is completely different. Men pose and actual danger to women. They are (usually) bigger and stronger, they have a penis, and they are socialised to believe women are there for the taking. Flame away, but it's true. Just look at all the instances in films of men forcing women to kiss them before the woman eventually gives in and loves it, for example. This stuff is insidious, and it matters.

A drunk woman trying to kiss random men is usually (and I'm struggling to think of a scenario where this wouldn't apply) very troubled or possibly mentally ill.

The OP knows her friend is having a hard time. The background is relevant. This woman isn't a predator, or a danger to mankind. She's a woman experiencing a crisis and making shitty choices when drunk. The only person they endangering is herself.

And TBH I think if it was a male friend and I knew they were struggling I would have some sympathy, but I would also be trying (as I would with a woman) to diffuse the situation and get them home.

I agree with AF completely and I think people trying to flip the sexes are being totally disingenuous.

I agree mostly with AF in that my primary concern at the time would have been or the immediate safety and wellbeing of my BF, and the rest would be something I wanted to address later.

I'd probably have said to my OH something on the lines of 'ok yes that was inappropriate and we'll deal with that later, but right now I'm concerned for her as she clearly has lost her faculties, so please can you help me to get her home/safe and then we'll deal with what she did tomorrow'.

I'd then talk to her and make sure she knew what she did was wrong, then ask her if everything is ok, as I agree she may be in a very bad place to get herself in that state. Or spiked, as PP have suggested.

As for the reverse gender issue, I imagine if a man was doing that, most people would consider him a drunken letch and be appalled at the time, but his BFs would hopefully intervene and take him off somewhere or get him home, and I would hope that people would eventually forgive/put it down to being rat arsed, especially if he was normally a decent bloke. It would probably make me a bit wary of I didn't know him well, but I think most people have done really stupid things when drunk!

Also agree with Flaps that is IS different when a man does this compared with a woman. It just is.

Navy, you are being weird and pushy. Like the woman in the op, in fact

But as I am now off to work where there is no MN you and whoever else can get some digs when I have no way of reply

Have fun

By the way, have you seen these other posters saying the same thing as me. Perhaps you could mither them for a while instead ?

You have 10 hours. Go for your life.

The fact she tried to kiss all the guys says a lot really, it wasn't about your husband, he needs to get over himself. She probably kissed him as it felt safe.

And I agree with the posters that said you weren't very nice to her, if this was my friend I'd have stopped her and tried to deal with it rather than let her embarrass herself and side with the others in feeling awkward. Sure she's an adult, but she was drunk, you know she's having problems at home and she is supposed to be your friend.