BEST FRIEND TRIED IT WITH BOYFRIEND

[lithium3]

So after giving birth to DS 4 months ago I was out this weekend for the first time. I invited my best friend as she was having a rough time with her DP (she has two little boys with him) to come along with me and my DP to later meet up with a few of my other friends.

After a few beers it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club. I went to the toilet and came down to DP telling me that she had tried to kiss him. I put it down to just been drunk and falling around and DP misreading the situation (surely my best friend wouldn't do that). However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him.. So I moved her then she did the same to all my male friends including one who had a girlfriend which she met earlier that evening. I felt so embarrassed by her, all of them felt so awkward.

In the end she ended up finding a man that actually kissed her back and she stayed with him the remainder of the night until it was 3am and me and DP wanted to go home yet she refused to come with us so we left her with this man.

We have spoke since but she hasn't mentioned anything about it, she apologised to me and DP for 'being a dick' over text.

DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that. I agree with him but I really don't know how to address the situation, in my mind I'm just putting it down to her being so drunk she didn't know what she was doing but then another part of me thinks that she did know.

I don't know what to do, she is my best friend that I turn to for everything. How should I address it? Am I being too laid back? Just need an outsiders opinion..

Back to the OP, do you want a continued closeness with BF? If so this can be sorted, transparency and openness are the key.

No, duty. That's not what I said but don't let a small detail like that get in the way

At the time I would have let him sort it himself. Which he would have done. For the rest of it (her going round the rest of the males in the group then with randoms) I would have intervened if nobody else did. But again, in my friendship group it wouldn't get to that point. Which is what I said upthread and nothing like what you just said

If my h was still pressurising me after the event to have it out with her on his behalf he would be invited to get off my case and do his dirty work himself

My response would be different if that were so. But no, let's make it more of a drama by skimming over the fact that she was trying it on with every male in the group and then kept going until some opportunist moved in

That's not normal behaviour in my friendship group and ostracising her because of it is shitty

Of course it's shitty, but the same could be said of OP's BF. The "drama" is the dynamic of OP's relationship with her OH and BF. Which on a personal level is huge.

lithium3 your partner seems a bit upset by what happened. Just reassure him you know it had nothing to do with him. Maybe he is worried it will happen again if he sees your friend. I do not think it will. But even if it were to I am sure he is not in any danger from your friend.

Your friend seems very unhappy and in your shoes I would make it my business to find out what is going on. You can, of course, let her know how hurt you are that she repeatedly tried to kiss your dp, but she did that to a lot of other men and presumably she is pretty mortified. Maybe she doesn't even remember exactly what happened and that is why she is making light of it.

As for all this what if it were a reverse. Clearly, it is not nice when anyone tried to kiss you who you don't want to be kissed by. Clearly it is unpleasant and embarrassing whoever it is.

But it is probably a good deal more scary for anyone to be kissed by a male who they are not wanting to be kissed by, so all the outrage that there are double standard is really rather strange.

It does seem to be what gets said a lot on Mumsnet lately.

That if you show any sympathy to any women well, would you show it to a man!

I would feel sympathy for a man in the same circumstances BUT I would also feel afraid and I might even need help to free myself from such a person. I doubt if the OP's Dh felt fear or needed help to free himself from this woman. So the two things are really quite different.

AF I am with you on this one.

Oh thank christ

I am going to bed now. Where I should have been 2 hours ago.

But would you be going to bed if you were a man?

Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh! I feel like I'm going mad here. You don't need to be actually afraid of the person to feel violated if you've been sexually harassed/assaulted, and that's what repeated attempts to kiss someone is. My friend is 6'1" tall and she's no light weight - so by your logic, if our 5'4" 9.5 stone male friend got drunk and repeatedly tried to kiss her, she wouldn't be allowed to be upset or feel violated because she could probably overpower him?? I think I'll get my coat too.

I think AF's had her account hacked.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat I did not say he did not have a right to be upset. I am sure it was upsetting. But I think the context, with her making passes at a lot of different people meant she was very drunk and very upset and maybe someone (female) should have taken her home, or at least found out what was going on.

I don't think what she did was OK, but I don't see why every debate about what happened to a woman needs to be discussed as in what if it was a man. It's boring. It wasn't a man, it was this woman's female friend.

I'm off to bed too.

AF said she was out. Going to bed. PA snarky posts & emojis talking about her - not even to her - when you know she's no longer about are a bit off. IMHO.

Blimey, I would have been pouring water down her throat trying to get her to sober up then sticking her in a cab if that didn't work. (And complaining bitterly that I shouldn't have to babysit a grown woman, and that she had ruined my night out)

Her self-esteem must be pretty much rock bottom to behave in this way. Yes, she was very out of order, which she has acknowledged. Your DH will get over it, I'm sure

Oh thank christ

I am going to bed now. Where I should have been 2 hours ago.

And I'm going to bed now

Oh thank who?

Look what I did there? Took somebody's online post as a verbatim.

Nah sorry I'd have no sympathy. I've been absolutely rolling (while single) and you still know who is your mates bf. She could have acted like as much of a prick with anyone else but trying to kiss your dp shows she doesn't give a shit about you

Well I couldn't say that because alcohol affects different people in different ways. I had a friend who would regularly make passes at men she didn't even like when she was drunk. It is hard to say.

Completely agree with AF here.

I would speak to her. I'd tell her what she did. She may not remember but may have had the alcohol guilts the next day.
On another note,I wouldn't be letting my v drunk possibly emotionally unhappy friend go off with a stranger.

I'd feel irritated first, but second, concerned for my friend. She was clearly all over the place and this was not directed at the boyfriend. Also, she did it in public. She's not creeping around trying to steal husbands

I also hate the "situation reversed"stuff. We can deal with the situation put in from of us.

icelolly

Yes. At the moment I see my friend (who has a partner and children) going off with a stranger, or anyone, I would take her aside for a chat

Morning all

No hacking here

Re. my thoughts on the constant attempts to switch the sexes for the exact same scenario

Get back to me when the playing field we are on is completely level.

Until then, I won't engage with that particular nonsense.

Having just read the whole thread, I'm wholeheartedly with AF on this.

I'm usually quick to be irritated by double standards between men and women on here but, on this occasion, I'm not. It's not relevant as it is a person who is being discussed in a specific set of circumstances and not a 'man' or a 'woman'. Although, for the record, I would extend the same following consideration to a close male friend too.

We don't know exactly what is going on for this woman, but the OP knows that she has been having some difficulties recently. What she actually knows may be the tip of the iceberg. After all, "a rough time" could be anything from he forgets to take the bins out to the relationship is falling apart and she's devastated to abuse.

Having been in extreme psychological distress myself at different points, and seen it in a couple of people who were quite close to me, I would want to find out if this was something that applied to them before casting them into the social wilderness and ostracising them completely, as it can make people behave in ways that would otherwise be unacceptable and uncharacteristic and to abandon someone at a time like that would be unbelieveably cruel.

This behaviour is clearly out of character for her, or she wouldn't be the OP's best friend in the first place. If my best friend, male or female, behaved in a way that was both appalling and unacceptable, I would want to find out they were ok first and then take it from there.

All other posters might be right. She might just be an attention seeking bitch who didn't care that she was hitting on her friends' husbands/boyfriends/partners and holds them all in utter contempt, having no regard for them whatsoever. Or she might be in such a bad place mentally and emotionally that she hadn't fully processed what she was doing at the time.

I think a lot of people react so badly when it comes to things like this because they are projecting their own fear of being cheated on/their partners being tempted/it happening to them.

I don't have a whole lot of close friends, but I know that if any of them did something like this, it would be completely out of character and my first response would be concern for them and not indignation/anger.

If she laughed in the OP's face and told her that the boyfriend clearly wanted her blah blah, then, yeah, I'd tell her to fuck off. But I strongly suspect that isn't what would happen here.

And if a male friend ever did similarly, I would hope we'd all evaluate the individual situation on its merits and not just issue a blanket decision regardless.

Having just read the whole thread, I'm wholeheartedly with AF on this.

I'm usually quick to be irritated by double standards between men and women on here but, on this occasion, I'm not. It's not relevant as it is a person who is being discussed in a specific set of circumstances and not a 'man' or a 'woman'. Although, for the record, I would extend the same following consideration to a close male friend too.

We don't know exactly what is going on for this woman, but the OP knows that she has been having some difficulties recently. What she actually knows may be the tip of the iceberg. After all, "a rough time" could be anything from he forgets to take the bins out to the relationship is falling apart and she's devastated to abuse.

Having been in extreme psychological distress myself at different points, and seen it in a couple of people who were quite close to me, I would want to find out if this was something that applied to them before casting them into the social wilderness and ostracising them completely, as it can make people behave in ways that would otherwise be unacceptable and uncharacteristic and to abandon someone at a time like that would be unbelieveably cruel.

This behaviour is clearly out of character for her, or she wouldn't be the OP's best friend in the first place. If my best friend, male or female, behaved in a way that was both appalling and unacceptable, I would want to find out they were ok first and then take it from there.

All other posters might be right. She might just be an attention seeking bitch who didn't care that she was hitting on her friends' husbands/boyfriends/partners and holds them all in utter contempt, having no regard for them whatsoever. Or she might be in such a bad place mentally and emotionally that she hadn't fully processed what she was doing at the time.

I think a lot of people react so badly when it comes to things like this because they are projecting their own fear of being cheated on/their partners being tempted/it happening to them.

I don't have a whole lot of close friends, but I know that if any of them did something like this, it would be completely out of character and my first response would be concern for them and not indignation/anger.

If she laughed in the OP's face and told her that the boyfriend clearly wanted her blah blah, then, yeah, I'd tell her to fuck off. But I strongly suspect that isn't what would happen here.

And if a male friend ever did similarly, I would hope we'd all evaluate the individual situation on its merits and not just issue a blanket decision regardless.

Having just read the whole thread, I'm wholeheartedly with AF on this.

I'm usually quick to be irritated by double standards between men and women on here but, on this occasion, I'm not. It's not relevant as it is a person who is being discussed in a specific set of circumstances and not a 'man' or a 'woman'. Although, for the record, I would extend the same following consideration to a close male friend too.

We don't know exactly what is going on for this woman, but the OP knows that she has been having some difficulties recently. What she actually knows may be the tip of the iceberg. After all, "a rough time" could be anything from he forgets to take the bins out to the relationship is falling apart and she's devastated to abuse.

Having been in extreme psychological distress myself at different points, and seen it in a couple of people who were quite close to me, I would want to find out if this was something that applied to them before casting them into the social wilderness and ostracising them completely, as it can make people behave in ways that would otherwise be unacceptable and uncharacteristic and to abandon someone at a time like that would be unbelieveably cruel.

This behaviour is clearly out of character for her, or she wouldn't be the OP's best friend in the first place. If my best friend, male or female, behaved in a way that was both appalling and unacceptable, I would want to find out they were ok first and then take it from there.

All other posters might be right. She might just be an attention seeking bitch who didn't care that she was hitting on her friends' husbands/boyfriends/partners and holds them all in utter contempt, having no regard for them whatsoever. Or she might be in such a bad place mentally and emotionally that she hadn't fully processed what she was doing at the time.

I think a lot of people react so badly when it comes to things like this because they are projecting their own fear of being cheated on/their partners being tempted/it happening to them.

I don't have a whole lot of close friends, but I know that if any of them did something like this, it would be completely out of character and my first response would be concern for them and not indignation/anger.

If she laughed in the OP's face and told her that the boyfriend clearly wanted her blah blah, then, yeah, I'd tell her to fuck off. But I strongly suspect that isn't what would happen here.

And if a male friend ever did similarly, I would hope we'd all evaluate the individual situation on its merits and not just issue a blanket decision regardless.

My friend doesn't have dcs and a relatively new dp.

If I saw her behave like this I would take her home with me and sleep in the same bed with a sick bowl. Dp would be equally concerned and help me get her home.

It wouldn't concern either of us if she tried to kiss him because she is my friend and she loves us both. And we are secure enough in our relationship with her and with each other to not let it be an issue.

If the roles were reversed and it was dps best friend trying to kiss me we would do the same thing. Though I would take the spare bed and DP would kip with his mate.

That's because our friends are people we trust and love and know they would never do anything to deliberately hurt us. and that their behaviour would be so out of the ordinary we would be very concerned.

Our egos wouldn't come into it.

I did the snogging bit a couple of times. I was married - still am and dh saw it. Why did I do it? Because I had really really bad self esteem issues. I hated myself and in my drunken stupor I was trying to get people to like me. I have no idea who instigated the kissing. It could have been me or them as I also didn't know how to tell people how to piss off when they went too far. In any case, I got myself into some really stupid situations. I never went any further than kissing these two guys btw. I wasn't looking for sex. And it did ruin a friendship with one of the partners. I later discovered he'd previously been unfaithful to her, which I didn't know. So I can fully understand her reaction.

I've since had lots of counselling for my difficult childhood and my self esteem is a lot better. My personality is a lot less flirty these days. I like myself and am not constantly being a chameleon to please others.

Your friend was drunk op. In your position, I would want to talk to her about it and perhaps she would like that too. I would so much have liked to have a friend talk to me about friendship and boundaries and steer me in the direction of a good therapist. However, only you get to choose how you wish to play this friendship. I'm not suggesting you should all out rescue her either.