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Original poster

BEST FRIEND TRIED IT WITH BOYFRIEND

426 replies

lithium3 · 07/11/2016 22:53

So after giving birth to DS 4 months ago I was out this weekend for the first time. I invited my best friend as she was having a rough time with her DP (she has two little boys with him) to come along with me and my DP to later meet up with a few of my other friends.

After a few beers it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club. I went to the toilet and came down to DP telling me that she had tried to kiss him. I put it down to just been drunk and falling around and DP misreading the situation (surely my best friend wouldn't do that). However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him.. So I moved her then she did the same to all my male friends including one who had a girlfriend which she met earlier that evening. I felt so embarrassed by her, all of them felt so awkward.

In the end she ended up finding a man that actually kissed her back and she stayed with him the remainder of the night until it was 3am and me and DP wanted to go home yet she refused to come with us so we left her with this man.

We have spoke since but she hasn't mentioned anything about it, she apologised to me and DP for 'being a dick' over text.

DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that. I agree with him but I really don't know how to address the situation, in my mind I'm just putting it down to her being so drunk she didn't know what she was doing but then another part of me thinks that she did know.

I don't know what to do, she is my best friend that I turn to for everything. How should I address it? Am I being too laid back? Just need an outsiders opinion..

OP posts:
pseudonymph · 08/11/2016 10:50

Your problem isn't that your best friend tried it with your boyfriend; your problem is that your best friend is distressed and is misusing alcohol.

If it were a close friend of mine, whether female or male, I would have stopped the situation much earlier, and I would never have left them on their own in a club at 3 am in that state.

Given the overwhelming predominance of m to f sexual violence in the wider context, and the way in which that shapes our lives, fears, and social interactions, I find the demand for exact reversal weird. It would be great if the two situations were identical, but the situation is a lot more nuanced than that.

Does your DH actually feel that he was assaulted? It's not clear from your OP that he does, or whether his concern is that you will think he cheated or similar. I admit I have not been in this particular situation, but I am pretty sure that, even with the genders reversed, I would mainly be concerned about the friend rather than upset myself.

pseudonymph · 08/11/2016 10:52

Poppy - she has apologised, admittedly by text not face to face.

dustarr73 · 08/11/2016 10:52

Its the op who has a newborn not the friend in question.
It seems here on MN equality only kicks in on the womens say so.
I want equality when it suits me,otherwise im a vulnerable little snowflake.
Navyandwhite im a million% behind you in what you are saying.

NickiFury · 08/11/2016 10:54

She didn't "try it on with your boyfriend" specifically did she? Your title is misleading. She tried it on with every male there. Not great , not one bit, but someone doing that is clearly in a bad way. I personally wouldn't abandon a friend over this or go in on her as has been done on this thread but that's up to you isn't it?

dustarr73 · 08/11/2016 10:55

If it were a close friend of mine, whether female or male, I would have stopped the situation much earlier, and I would never have left them on their own in a club at 3 am in that state.

The op friend is a grown woman,how do you suppose you go about getting them home,when they dont want to go.And how would you stop the situation ,stop buying them drink.Calliing their dp to take them home.You cant force a grown woman to do what you want to do.

StrawberryLime · 08/11/2016 11:00

Have the people saying they'd have got them home if they were in a hammered state actually tried getting someone on a night out when drunk home if they wanted to stay?!
Not a chance in hell would that happen if they were adamant they were staying! Grin
I know if I've been in a nightclub/pub with my mates on a night out and got hammered, somebody trying to get me to go home when I wasn't ready just wouldn't have happened as I wouldn't have shifted!
Grown adults. Not little toddlers.

pseudonymph · 08/11/2016 11:00

Oh come on dustarr have you never talked down a drunk friend who wanted to do unwise things?

worridmum · 08/11/2016 11:03

seriously anyfucker you would let a male best friend go around kissing all the female groups and tell your female friends to suck it up and stop beign so precious hmmm no I dont think so.

it reminds me of the time back in university where a ex friend would make beelines for any male that was in a obvious partnership and attempt to kiss and groupe them just to cause them shit because she liked doing that, the sad part when everyone dropped her is when she repeatily went back to a male that was far shorter and smaller then her repeatily grouped him while sitting on top of him (she was not a small person btw and he was) and in the end he had to slap her off him as she would not take no for an answer and would not stop and then she had come over to us and asked us to be witnesses that he violently assaulted her etc and we all turned around and told she desrived all she got and would tell the police everything she did up to the point of being slapped yes it was a slap not a punch (just like women would do to a man) and that basically ended the friendship with everyone.

Sadly shes currently in prison after doing her normal stunt to a 14 year old ......... so did never grew out of this behivaour.

Sorry for the spelling and grammer mistakes using a rubbish ipad which does not have spell checkers and i am dyselixic

Peanutbutterrules · 08/11/2016 11:03

Wow...what a weird thread.

It's good that your DP was unhappy and expected your support. That sort of repeated advances aren't pleasant and nobody should have to tolerate that (of either sex).

You do need to talk to her as she will end up being isolated. I'd have a 'that needs not to happen again' conversation if I were you.

StrawberryLime · 08/11/2016 11:05

She didn't "try it on with your boyfriend" specifically did she? Your title is misleading. She tried it on with every male there. Not great , not one bit, but someone doing that is clearly in a bad way

Repeatedly tried to kiss him after being told no and only left him alone and moved onto others when partner's girlfriend was made aware and moved her on.
(Didn't do it in front of her, did she? Moved on to others when confronted. So some level of consciousness there..)
It's obvious she's in a bad place, but WHY is it being excused because she's female? If you can honestly say you'd be concerned for a male doing this..... although I suspect a man repeatedly coming onto a female when husband out of room and only moving on to harass others when moved away would get a different response altogether.
NOT acceptable whatever sex you are.

MrsGwyn · 08/11/2016 11:06

Your problem isn't that your best friend tried it with your boyfriend; your problem is that your best friend is distressed and is misusing alcohol.

I don't agree.

If Op friend had just been distressed and misusing alcohol - Op problem would be just addressing just that.

Op problems is that her DP is uncomfortable about this woman's behavior and wants her to broach it with her.

I am a little surprised at all the minimising of the best friend's behavior - she may have been upset or unhappy but she still behaved badly to the Op and her DP and the apology is minimal and attempt to deflect blame.

But ultimately Op knows this friend and her DP and I don't - so she'll have to figure out what it's best for her to do.

PoppyPicklesPenguin · 08/11/2016 11:06

Saying "sorry I was a dick" via a text message is not an apology for repeatedly trying it on with the OP's partner, IMO. Maybe everyone else on here is so "cool" that they would be ok with a drunk, horny woman trying it on with their partner personally I would not be and neither would my partner.

Having a bit of a hard time doesn't equal, deeply troubled in my opinion.

Being drunk does not give you a free pass to try it on with other people. This person also had their own partner at home, is he supposed to just give her a free pass because she was drunk? Because that's ok down to the fact they are having troubles and she was drunk.

BubbleGumBubble · 08/11/2016 11:08

Repeatedly tried to kiss him after being told no and only left him alone and moved onto others when partner's girlfriend was made aware and moved her on.
(Didn't do it in front of her, did she? Moved on to others when confronted. So some level of consciousness there..)

Completely agree Strawberry

NavyandWhite · 08/11/2016 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsKoala · 08/11/2016 11:16

But she did do it in front of others? in that case it was hardly done secretly and not going to get back to the op. Not quite making genuine moves of interest on the dp. More of a scattergun approach for any male attention.

dustarr73 · 08/11/2016 11:16

Of course i would help a drunk friend if they wanted my help.But you cant force an adult to go home when they dont want too.The only thing they could have done was ring her partner.

MrsKoala · 08/11/2016 11:20

I do agree a conversation needs to be had and offering support. I suspect she can hardly remember but just has that sinking feeling of hangover dread. Once told what she had done she will probably offer up profuse apologies and it may startle her into re-evaluating things. It doesn't sound like this is her normal m.o.

TheCakes · 08/11/2016 11:20

Course she knew what she was doing. What a strange thread. I wouldn't be cool with this.
Yes, she's behaved badly and there may be a reason behind that, but there's not an excuse.
Speak to her. Tell her you're sorry she's having a shit time but don't feel you have to put up with that kind of behaviour.
I'd be anyone's shoulder to cry on but I'm not the babysitter. She had enough about her to know what she was doing.

pseudonymph · 08/11/2016 11:25

MrsGwyn - the OP doesn't actually say anywhere that her DH is worried about the sexual harassment aspect of the situation. I asked her for clarification, because if he is upset about this then it changes things, but what the OP has actually said so far was 'I think he's just thinking about me when it comes to confronting it because I've had so many friends fuck me over in the past'. This is, as well as the rather misleading thread title, suggest that the OP sees the issue as being her friend and DH getting involved, which doesn't seem to me to be a helpful way to frame it.

I agree the friend's behaviour was bad, and that she should apologise more for it. But I still think she is the person I would be most worried about in this situation, going on what we know so far.

NavyandWhite · 08/11/2016 11:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

queenMab99 · 08/11/2016 11:35

it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club
What kind of lives do people live? I would have thought 'she is clearly quite drunk, perhaps we should take her home' would be more appropriate. It seems ridiculous to complain of drunken behaviour in this situation.

NavyandWhite · 08/11/2016 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WaitrosePigeon · 08/11/2016 11:43

The OPs friend, needs to pick her friends more wisely.

Only on Mumsnet.

StrawberryLime · 08/11/2016 11:44

But she did do it in front of others? in that case it was hardly done secretly and not going to get back to the op.
I didn't say it was done secretly, did I? Nor did I say she didn't do it in front of others. She did do it in front of others. Not in front of the girlfriend though. She waited until she was out of the way.
Why is the man mentioning it to his girlfriend a bad thing according to some? Should he have just put up and shut up with constant and unwanted attention? As that sounds awfully like victim blaming to me.

areyoubeingserviced · 08/11/2016 11:45

If she tried to kiss several men, she obviously has deep seated issues .

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