BEST FRIEND TRIED IT WITH BOYFRIEND

[lithium3]

So after giving birth to DS 4 months ago I was out this weekend for the first time. I invited my best friend as she was having a rough time with her DP (she has two little boys with him) to come along with me and my DP to later meet up with a few of my other friends.

After a few beers it was clear that she was quite drunk and we headed to the club. I went to the toilet and came down to DP telling me that she had tried to kiss him. I put it down to just been drunk and falling around and DP misreading the situation (surely my best friend wouldn't do that). However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him.. So I moved her then she did the same to all my male friends including one who had a girlfriend which she met earlier that evening. I felt so embarrassed by her, all of them felt so awkward.

In the end she ended up finding a man that actually kissed her back and she stayed with him the remainder of the night until it was 3am and me and DP wanted to go home yet she refused to come with us so we left her with this man.

We have spoke since but she hasn't mentioned anything about it, she apologised to me and DP for 'being a dick' over text.

DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that. I agree with him but I really don't know how to address the situation, in my mind I'm just putting it down to her being so drunk she didn't know what she was doing but then another part of me thinks that she did know.

I don't know what to do, she is my best friend that I turn to for everything. How should I address it? Am I being too laid back? Just need an outsiders opinion..

My friend used to behave like this op. She'd kiss and grope anyone if she got far too drunk, including her best friends. She had a real problem with alcohol and for a long time we all just ignored it as 'that's just x'.

Big mistake. First some of the ohs stopped coming out then her friends dwindled down to just three of us who kept excusing her. Eventually I had to cut her out myself when it got too much. I wish I'd just been honest with her from the start, told her she was driving people away and making them uncomfortable. In her case she was an alcoholic and so it may never have changed things but I would always recommend telling someone when they've been an idiot, rude, offensive or shitty especially while drinking. ESPECIALLY if a repeat pattern forms.

I expect your dh and probably some of the others around that table will be uncomfortable with your friend, especially if shes drinking again. That's pretty normal. I would talk to your friend, see if she remembers how she was. She may have memory gaps. Just tell her she made a lot of people uncomfortable and (if this is abnormal behaviour) you are worried about her because this isn't like her at all.

My DH would have tried to calm her down and not gone off on some flouncy rage.

Did i miss the post that said yhe DP went off in a flouncy rage

The man is now being called feeble

I'll remember that the next time a woman posts about unwanted attention.

Plus i dont see it as slut shaming,being a fucking eejit shaming is what it is.She has ruined the dynamics of the group.

Op are any of you going to tell her dp,because by the sounds of it somebody will.And it will probably be better coming form you or your friend.God love her dp.

bubblegum I was just thinking the exact same thing and going through the posts trying to see where he'd gone off on a flouncy rage.
How do you get flouncy rage from However, DP came over again and told me to get her away from him as she kept trying to kiss him
KEPT trying to kiss him. So definitely sounds as though he'd been trying to spurn her advances and she was having none of it until physically steered away by her friend (who's boyfriend it was she was trying to kiss so knew she'd been found out) so she started on others instead.
Not a flouncy rage, just a "please get her away from me" or should he have just let her get on with it?
Unless I've missed a post somewhere

I don't think one drunken episode of flirting would 'ruin the dynamics of the group' unless it was a repeated pattern or the group were really not that close and supportive anyway.

Some responses here are pretty shocking though and probably those same people basically saying the dp should have 'calmed her down' don't belive women can abuse, beat and stalk men.

navyandwhite, why are you trying to make the thread about something it wasn't? It would never be the man's fault in this scenario.

Maybe, just maybe though, there is some reason why OP's friend is behaving like this and perhaps OP cares enough for her to look into it a little deeper. OP's friend has already apologised for 'being a dick', in case you missed that.

Honest differences of opinion are fine but the overreactions and exaggeration from some posters on this thread really isn't going to help the OP.

I don't think being drunk excuses the behaviour, but if she was in a bad place beforehand and then got blind drunk, and maybe has low self esteem and is struggling with new baby etc, I think that explains the behaviour, at least in part.

She behaved very badly. But if it's out of character for her to be like that, I would be concerned for her mental wellbeing, and as her best friend, I would separate the two issues and deal with them one by one.

1. Ok you are so out of it you are vulnerable. So I'm mighty pissed off with you right now for what you did, but I'm still going to make sure you are safe.

1. My DH is understandably a bit flummoxed but the whole episode, so I will help to deal with that.

1. I will make it clear to you that your behaviour was not on. But you have already apologised so I won't need to labour the point, just voice it.

1. I will make you a cup of tea and ask you how you are, what led you to getting into that state and if there is anything you want to talk through that might be making you feel unstable or struggling.

After that, if you carry on like that again, i would prob keep my distance for a while, but letting you know I'm here if you need me.

You need to speak to her and say he was embarrassed, that your other friends were embarrassed and that you were all worried about leaving her with the random guy because yes, she was OK on this occasion but might not be next time. And remind her she has two little boys. And finally ask her if there is anything you can collectively do to support her?

^^ This is what I would do.

Though I would also consider doing only female only get togethers if possible in future- so no DPs have to put up with a repeat.

DSis ex did this - then slept with his now es best friend's DP - seems to be a pattern of behavior when he had enough of a relationship - happened since and gets very messy. So I would be a bit wary of possible future drama if this proves not to be a one off.

What I am struggling to understand is that we aren't all on the same side. Surely we all believe that it is wrong to make repeated sexual advances on someone without their consent?

Beyond that it is understandable that we would all deal with the friend differently, but I cannot understand why some posters are excusing predatory sexual behaviour. Alcohol is not an excuse, nor is problems at home. Sexually harassing someone is never ok, no matter what the circumstances.

I think the 'sorry for being a dick' texts alone would make me question this friendship. That's just not enough of an apology, although at least she is admitting to an awareness of some bad behaviour, just clearly choosing not to expand on it. She owes you and your DP more than that.

I can't see where the OP's dp said he used to love her kids. "DP absolutely adored this girl before all this and loved her two little boys but now he feels so awkward and keeps telling me to speak to her about it as it was so unacceptable for her to do that." That's fair comment, many folk would feel awkward after r drunken passes from their partner's friend.

100% what stormwhale just said.

So being drunk excuses everything. Right, that's a new one for sure.

No, of course not. But i think in this scenario context is everything. She's having a rough time, did it very publicly (so no real plan or intention) and did it to so many other people (no particular object of desire) AND was obviously very very drunk. Had any of those things been different then i would probably be less charitable.

But other people were there?

NavyandWhite Tue 08-Nov-16 10:06:57
It'll be the womans DP's fault why she did this.

Clear enough for you? Nobody is suggesting that nor even implying that anybody has to put up with non-consensual behaviour. Put your big spoon down.

Navy - that makes me pretty damn sad tbh.

Just like all women are not the same, not all men are the same. Fair enough some men would laugh it off and not be bothered. Some men, however would find this awful, and it would seem from the op that ops dp is one of them. He has every right to feel upset, just as a woman who felt upset would have that same right.

Surely us as women can understand that feeling? I know it all too bloody well. The sick feeling you get when someone won't leave you alone, forces themselves on you, the shaky, unsettled, vulnerable feeling. Why can't a man feel that? Just because men have done it to women, doesn't mean a man who has been sexually harassed doesn't have those feelings, or deserve to have support with those feelings.

Surely we all believe that it is wrong to make repeated sexual advances on someone without their consent?

I hope so.

if one of my friends behaved like this - I wouldn't expect DH to be around them if he didn't want to be and I would expect the same.

I don't think the OP DP should have to put up with such behavior - and I think that why he wants OP to say something to her so he doesn't have to.

What is making the OP friend behave like this is a separate issue - one the OP can look into or help with if she chooses.

However I don't think OP DP is being unreasonable in wanting it made clear this behaviour was unacceptable - I assume he want it come from Op as it's her friend. She doesn't have to be nasty about it and once it's made plain then she can move on to motivations and support.

I think the Op's DP handled it pretty well to be honest. A drunken woman, his DP'a best friend kept throwing herself at him whilst his DP was out of sight, (so she had some moral compass going off as she didn't do it in front of the OP) after getting to the point where nothing he did was stopping her he asked his wife to step in.

I see no flouncing on his part, and to be quite honest if he said "fuck this I'm going home as she won't leave me alone" I don't think I would have blamed him, having unwanted sexual attention is not acceptable regardless of what you have in your pants.

Also if I was the OP, I'd be feeling very different about this friend, because she REPEATEDLY tried to stick her tongue down my partner throat. I would have tried to remove her from the club if she kept going after other men in the group but you can't always do this, I've had a friend act in a similar way and have tried to persuade her she should go home but unless I abducted her then no way was I getting her out of that club not in a million years.

This woman hasn't even apologised