To ask for your best 'parent lies' (lighthearted).

[ThatGingerOne]

We all know the ice cream man only rings his tune when there's none left

Sorry dd's, I'd love to share some of this chocolate with you but there is wine inside them

Fish was "different chicken" for awhile.

DD is VERY fussy about food. And I'm only talking about fish fingers, not actual fish. We haven't got that far...

Anything I don't want to share has either caffeine or alcohol in it.
To be fair, quite a large proportion of the things I don't want to share with them do have either caffeine or alcohol, so it's not stretching it that far...

The ice cream van was the butcher back in the day worked for years

Me: "Just one more spoon darling"
Ten spoonfuls later
Dd: " is that the last one mummy"
Me: "yes, just one more"

Plane trails in the sky are from Santa's sleigh.

At work, if I'm ringing up someone's stuff and they are looking particularly harried due to excitable children, I point out the security cameras and whisper to the kids that Santa's elves watch through them.

You know how Father Christmas has a good list and a naughty list? Well in a "difficult moment" with DS (4) I invented a third list.

This list is the rule breakers list. If you do something that gets you on this list (hitting mummy for example) not only do you not get any toys, but Father Christmas comes to your house on Christmas Eve and actually takes away some of the toys you already have. This is not a list you want to be on...

Don't judge me too harshly, he was being a little horror :( I appreciate I have scarred him for life and painted Father C as an actual burglar

Oh no! We've run out of ice cream/chocolate/crisps/bread/sweeties/beans! I wish we had some more to give you. What a pity!

The one I use most is with dd, if she asks me if there's onion in her dinner, I tell her there isnt, but what's this? That's just flavour!!!

And with ds a few years ago he was singing jingle bells, batman smells over and over, driving me mad! I told him that jingle bells is Father Christmas' favourite Christmas song and it really upsets him if people sing the wrong version, if he hears you singing it, he takes one present out of your stocking - this worked for quite a few years, and was backed up by a book we've got called dear Father Christmas, that says that jingle bells is his favourite

Also, monsters are scared of mommies.

I love all of these but I have no imagination for them! Whenever I have tried one they have spectacularly backfired - tried the 'blue tongue when you tell a lie' one the other day on DS3. He just gave this look , ran to the mirror, shouted 'I am a dragon!' and stuck his tongue out!

Too smart for me son

When my older DS was a toddler, I told him he had to blow hard for me to open shop 'automatic' doors. He dutifully did this for years and indeed took his role responsibly, not letting his younger brother do it. This went on until he was about 8, when he stormed upto me having been out with a friend and his parents. He raged at me for telling him a porky. Felt 🙍 Mortified, but we laugh about it now.

My DS1 age 3 said when he is older he wants to get a 'cool car like the one that plays the ice cream tune' - it never comes past our house, goes straight down the road before ours so he has never actually seen what makes that noise

There are so many it's hard to pick!!

When we are in the supermarket and a voice comes over the tannoy Int kids generally ask what's being said. I tell them that the lady is saying "would DS and DD (by their names) please behave and be good for their mummy". Swear to go it works. They are usually gobsmaked and good as gold for rest of grocery shopping!!

At traffic light gets I tell them if they smile hard enough the lights will turn green. Works every time!

This is the conversation I observed between my Son and GD
just eat 5 more Spoonfuls
No just 1 more

how about 3
ok

1, 2, 7, 4, 3
good girl.

Yes Mushrooms are horrid so tonight we are having yummy shumruffs instead.
Also, grew up in countryside with lots of long boring weekend walks. We were told that at a kissing gate you had to kiss the next person on the cheek in your group who came through which was very sweet I'm sure but it was only on a walk with a boyfriends family in my 20s that i discovered this is not a thing and that not what the name means! So embarrassing.

We were told that at a kissing gate you had to kiss the next person on the cheek in your group who came through which was very sweet I'm sure but it was only on a walk with a boyfriends family in my 20s that i discovered this is not a thing and that not what the name means!

Really? I grew up being told the same and so did dh. We do it now with our dc whenever we go through a kissing gate! So it must be 'a thing' to an extent!

Anything I don't want to share has either caffeine or alcohol in it

Yes me too. I also once told them that Guilianne (sp) chocolates include chilli powder so they're spicy. I only said it as a joke, about 3 years ago...but still now they'll glance at a box and say 'Oh they're the spicy ones' and show no further interest!

I don't know what made me say this although id recommend it for the fun

..... My son was complaining that his teeth hurt as his adult teeth were coming through and his baby teeth were falling out ..... I said " If you think that's bad just wait until you get your Adult eyes through"

He was a little upset

That all pigeons are called Colin

Whereas the truth is that they are all - including the girls - called Walter.

My mother overheard. And started to laugh. She said it was time she told me something.
Orangey never went to the greenhouse.
I just never thought to question it...

Your mother was being kind. Nothing is more upsetting than having your goldfish run away from home.

tell DS that me annoying him is in my mother's contract, that I signed when he was born.

I did this - used to tell him to check the small print on the back.

I also once told them that Guilianne (sp) chocolates include chilli powder so they're spicy. I only said it as a joke, about 3 years ago...but still now they'll glance at a box and say 'Oh they're the spicy ones' and show no further interest!

Genius!

Fortnum

PMSL!!!!!!!

Re balloon sellers etc at carnivals and fairs

"Look at that man, looks like he's bought all the balloons for his children - I can't see anyone selling them so he must have got the last ones."